Key 8:

FINDING MEANING
AND PURPOSE

The body holds meaning…when we probe beneath the surface of our obsession with weight, we will find that a woman obsessed with her body is also obsessed with the limitations of her emotional life. Through her concern with her body she is expressing a serious concern about the state of her soul.

—KIM CHERNIN, The Obsession:
Reflections on the Tyranny of Slenderness

Women turn to food when they are not hungry because they are hungry for something they can’t name; a connection to what is beyond the daily concerns of life. Something deathless, something sacred. But replacing the hunger for divine connection with Double Stuff Oreos is like giving a glass of sand to a person dying of thirst. It creates more thirst, more panic. Combine the utter inefficacy of dieting with the lack of spiritual awareness and we have generations of mad, ravenous, self-loathing women.

—GENEEN ROTH, Women, Food and God:
An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything

In the previous keys, we have been talking about what you are recovering from: restricting, purging, or bingeing your food; hating or not accepting your body; using detrimental methods for coping with underlying issues; and not reaching out to others for help. Key 8 is about what you are recovering to. Our final key goes beyond eradicating your symptoms, to find deeper meaning and purpose in your life.

On one level, finding meaning and purpose involves embarking on a new career, beginning a new hobby, or otherwise identifying an endeavor that brings a new sense of importance or meaning to your life. Whether it is making jewelry, painting, working with animals, or becoming a schoolteacher, finding something that gives you a sense of purpose or passion is an important aspect that will help propel you toward getting and staying well. Aside from this however, there is a different level of meaning and purpose that is more spiritual in nature. Key 8 is about this deeper level of meaning and purpose. In this key we move beyond your symptoms to reconnection with the essence of your being, and with the sacredness of life. We said in Key 1 that “When recovered, you will not compromise your health or betray your soul.” But unless you have a connection to your soul, why would this even matter?

Canaries in the Coal Mine

Our ability to connect with what is meaningful in life has been hindered by our cultural emphasis on materialism and technology, such that the latest fashion or “iDevice” is more important than spending time in nature or awareness of our breath. Our focus on the external world has been at the expense of our internal world. Image has become more important than substance, and we are bombarded with messages telling us that what we look like is more important than who we are. Our cultural obsession with appearance, and particularly on being thin, has confused the pursuit of thinness with the pursuit of happiness and everyone suffers—some more than others.

The more Westernized a culture becomes, the more the media bombards its population with messages that encourage body scrutiny, dieting, and the idealization of thinness. A good example of this is what happened in Fiji. When television first became available in Fiji in 1995, there was no dieting and no eating disorders. Being large was the standard of beauty for Fijian women, and this had been so for over a thousand years. Three years after the introduction of television, 15 percent of young Fijian girls were vomiting to lose weight! When interviewed the girls explained that they wanted to lose weight to increase their social status (Becker, Burwell, Herzog, Hamburg, & Gilman, 2002). The more Westernized a culture becomes, the more eating disorders become prevalent, and this is not mere coincidence. Through the media and other social networks, Western cultures promote image consciousness, dieting, and the “thin ideal.” It is clear that not everyone exposed to an appearance-obsessed, “thin is in” climate develops an eating disorder, but those who do seem to be the ones who are most sensitive to its toxicity.

Individuals who develop eating disorders can be seen as our cultural “canaries in the coal mine.” Miners once took canaries down into coal mines in order to signal the presence of toxic fumes. Sad as it was, if the canaries died, the miners knew they were in a toxic environment and had to get out. People who develop eating disorders are our cultural canaries. They are the ones who, for various reasons discussed throughout this book, are more susceptible to the cultural messages that erode body acceptance and self-esteem. They are the ones who take those messages to extremes, and some even die. But everyone should heed the warning that the environment we live in is toxic to our deeper soul-selves, to who we truly are, and it leaves many of us searching for true meaning and fulfillment.

Moving Away From Superficial to Spiritual

If you have an eating disorder you are, on some level, living a superficial life. We are not saying your life lacks meaning, but rather, you have lost track of the true meaning of life. Whether it is a number on the scale, a fatter stomach, or some other obsession with food or your body that has caught your attention and stolen your energy, you have lost track of what is truly important. Even if you reach a desired number on the scale, the meaningful problems in life persist: “Am I loveable?” “Do I feel fulfilled? “Does my life have purpose?” As long as you are striving to achieve love and fulfillment through the pursuit of thinness or the comfort of food, your behaviors may have meaning and purpose temporarily, but they will keep you in a constant state of striving, misery, and unhappiness. With an eating disorder, you fall into the illusion that your worth is tied to the external, to things of the ego such as your looks and your ability to control food or your body. Our goal is to help you tie your worth to your innate intrinsic value as a human being, and your connection to other beings and the world around you. This involves turning your attention to matters of spirituality and soul.

Gwen: I felt nervous and skeptical when I first heard Carolyn using words like soul and spirituality. At that time, I considered myself an atheist, and struggled with esoteric concepts like “higher power,” “having faith,” “surrendering to God,” or “trusting the universe.” These concepts felt foreign, hard to believe in, and impossible to manifest. If you find yourself having a similar reaction, this does not mean you cannot explore spirituality. Your exploration will involve finding meaning, purpose, and connection beyond your appearance, and beyond the trials and tribulations of daily life. To connect with spirituality and soul you do not have to believe in concepts that don’t feel real, true, or even possible. All you have to do is learn how to give your life depth and value by moving away from superficial adjustment to profound connection with the things you do, the world you live in, and the people you love.

The Four-Fold Way: Simple Spiritual Principles

In our lives and our work with clients, we utilize four main principles that serve as guidelines for living a more spiritual or soulful life. The four principles are adapted from Arrien (1993). As a cultural anthropologist, Dr. Arrien studied the wisdom of tribal cultures and came up with four fundamental principles for living, which she believes support spiritual awareness and social consciousness. The principles are: Show Up, Pay Attention, Tell the Truth Without Judgment, and Don’t Be Attached to the Results. In this key, we will explain how to use the four principles as guides to help you connect with yourself, others, and the world in a new and more profound way.

Show Up

Are you showing up for and really being present in your life? You might find you get your body where you want it to go, but do you bring the rest of you along, too? Are you fully present and participating in each moment? Do you often find yourself in your head thinking, planning, comparing, what if-ing? Are you aware of another part of you that needs to be brought forth and cultivated in your life aside from your body and your mind? To help our clients learn to be present in the world in a deeper and more meaningful way we teach them the concept of the “soul self.” We know the word “soul” might carry with it connotations which make some people feel uncomfortable. If this is true for you, we believe you will feel more at ease as you read further and come to understand what we mean by the difference between ego and soul. In Key 2, we described two parts of yourself as your eating disorder self and your healthy self. In this key, we are going to talk about your ego and your soul. Learning to distinguish between ego and soul has been one of the most profound aspects of our recovery, and our clients repeatedly report this to be true for them as well. Although we do use the term “healthy self,” and you have seen its value, it does not fully capture the innermost, wise, core essence that we all have. Therefore we often use another term, “soul self” that helps us, our clients, and hopefully you, identify and access the deeper sense of who you really are, beyond your body, beyond your thinking mind or ego, to your essence. After reading about the soul self, you can decide if this term works for you. Readers can learn more about ego and soul in Tolle (1999), as well as in other books listed in the Resources section.

Ego and Soul

Most simply put, our ego is our thinking mind. The word “ego” comes from Latin, meaning “I.” Our ego is the part of us concerned with personal identity (“I am a therapist”), achievements (“I earn straight A’s)”, possessions (“My house”), and even our emotions (“I am angry”). All these statements say something about our identity, but they don’t really describe who we are underneath all that. If you took away your job or your house, or your grades, you would still be you! Since your ego is what you think of as your personal identity, it is what separates you from others. Your ego compares, judges, and criticizes: “I am ugly,” “She is thinner,” “I am fat.” When you criticize others or feel criticized, know that it is your ego at work. However, you do not need think of your ego as bad or unimportant. Your ego is necessary. You need an ego to live on this planet and effectively interact in the world, to think, plan, prepare, and provide. It might help to think of your ego as the “human” part of human being. The problem arises when you think your ego is all that you are, and you have no connection to your soul self. When you cannot quiet your mind or you feel yourself resisting what is, your ego is in charge. When your ego takes over, you cannot stop constantly living in the past or future, expressed in such statements as “I wish,” or “If only,” which keeps you from being engaged in and appreciating the present moment. If you have an eating disorder your ego has gotten out of control.

Your soul, on the other hand, is the “being” part of human being. Your soul self is the part of you separate from your thoughts and emotions. Rather than “I am this” or “I am that” your soul self is simply expressed in the phrase “I am.” To define the soul exactly is impossible because it is not a thing, it is your essence—in other words, you don’t have a soul, you are a soul. Your soul self is your essence, but it is also connected to the essence of all others and the world. Your soul self practices the other three principles: it pays attention to what is meaningful, has no judgment, and is not attached to the results. Therefore, your soul self is not affected by the criticism or judgments of others and is not attached to having things be a certain way. Your soul self is not concerned with numbers or scales, nor does it have any preconceived ideas about how your body should be. The concept of soul self is difficult to grasp because you also have an ego that interferes with your soul’s way of viewing and being in the world. Understanding and strengthening your soul self will help you connect with what is truly important, putting your ego back in its proper perspective and helping you to leave things, like your eating disorder, behind.

Consider this Native American story:

“An elder was talking to his grandson about how he felt about a past tragedy. The elder said, ‘I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry, violent one; the other wolf is a loving, compassionate one.’ And the grandson asked, ‘Which one will win the fight in your heart?’ And the elder answered, ‘The one which I feed.’”

Think of your eating disorder self and your soul self; the one you “feed” will be the strongest. Getting better is about feeding, or strengthening, your soul self. All the principles in the Four-Fold Way are designed to bring meaning to your life through feeding your soul. Even if you are recovered from your eating disorder symptoms and thoughts, even if your underlying issues are resolved, feeding or caring for your soul is an ongoing process that will help make your life more fulfilling. Moore (1992) explained that when the soul is neglected it doesn’t just go away, but shows up in addictions, depression, meaninglessness, and other symptoms. Care of the soul is not about fixing problems or curing illnesses but about showing up for, paying attention to, and living life as it is, recognizing its sacredness, richness, and value. When you care for your soul, the need to binge, starve, vomit, or reach a number on a scale loses its meaning.

“I think honoring what my soul is crying out for when I want to exercise, not eat, or binge and purge, is essential to my healing. I know now when I want to engage in my eating disorder behaviors I have been neglecting my soul self. Listening to my soul self, recognizing what I really want and doing that instead, has helped me reach the level of recovery I have. This feels so much better than any eating disorder behavior I could engage in, and I never thought anything would make me feel better than my eating disorder.”

—ML

We realize just hearing this isn’t enough to grasp it. Grasping it takes guidance, a bit of trust or willingness, and practice. As you read through this key, you will gain a better understanding.

Pay Attention

What do you devote the most attention to? What grabs your mind? Where does your focus go several times a day? Are the things you are paying attention to bringing you joy and happiness? Do you focus on things that make you feel better about yourself? You probably have heard the saying, “Do you see half a glass of water as half empty or half full?” Don’t be too quick to dismiss this as a cliché, but rather think about the question. If you tend to see the glass as half empty, you might be someone who is prone to pay attention to everything that is missing in your life instead of all that is there. Why is that? How can you train yourself to pay attention to what feels right and good and “fills” your soul? Einstein said, “Energy follows thought,” and we agree. Whatever you are thinking about, or paying attention to, like “my thighs are fat” or “my thighs are strong,” is where your energy goes and from those thoughts, certain feelings are created, which then lead to behaviors. Even though you might not yet understand how to shift your attention, or what to pay attention to we hope that you will begin to see the direct connection between how you pay attention and the quality of your life.

Try a simple experiment in paying attention. Think of a familiar tree in your neighborhood. Get a clear image of the tree and then see if you can answer these questions: Do you know the name of the tree or how old it is? Do you know anything about this tree? Does the tree have a smell? Now imagine this tree is the only one left in the world. Immediately the tree takes on a much greater significance, even though nothing about the tree itself is different and you (along with everyone else) would pay attention to it in a different way. If this same tree were the only one in the world, its importance and value would increase significantly, and it would probably be deemed a world treasure. People would know everything about the tree and would come from all over the world to see it and marvel at its beauty and its ability to turn sun, water, and nutrients into such a magnificent life form. People would celebrate its beauty and magnificence. The once familiar and ordinary tree would become extraordinary, even sacred. If this really happened, the tree itself would not have changed, but your perception of it and how you pay attention to it would have. The next time you see your familiar tree take a moment to pay attention to it and notice it for the magnificent miracle it is.

Learning how to alter your perception so that you can pay attention to the sacred even in the ordinary will increase your appreciation of the world and bring deeper meaning, purpose and re-enchantment to your life. Learning how to take time out of your busy life to pay attention to what matters is part of what makes recovery worth it. Try this experiment as well: the next time you see a friend or neighbor, imagine this person is the only human left in the world, and see if your perception of him or her changes. For a real challenge, do the same exercise but think of someone you are unhappy or angry with. See if you can see that person in this new light. We may be ahead of ourselves here, but the point is, changing the way you pay attention will change and enhance the quality of your life and your relationships.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a way of paying attention. Unlike what many clients first think, mindfulness is not an esoteric practice or religious technique; it is a way of being in the world. To be mindful is to pay attention to the present moment with awareness, openness, and non-judgment. Stop and re-read that last sentence. What it says seems simple, but is actually difficult to do. Think about what your life would be like if you could really: pay attention to every experience with openness, acceptance, and non-judgment. This includes your own emotions, other people’s “faults” or transgressions, everything. Mindful-ness practices are a way of training your brain to accept what is, so you free yourself to move past it and beyond. Although it may be impossible to be mindful all the time, if you practice, it will start to happen more naturally. We tell our clients that mindfulness practices will help them move beyond the thoughts of their relentless chattering ego and closer to their essence or soul self. In almost every spiritual philosophy you will find a traditional practice of meditation, prayer, contemplation, ritual, silent reflection, or some other way of promoting internal non-judgmental awareness. These are all different forms of mindfulness training. Research in the field of interpersonal neurobiology implies that mindfulness practices actually can change our brains in ways that help us to tolerate and manage our physical reactions and emotional states (Sie-gel, 2007, 2010). It seems that just as being attuned to children’s emotions and needs provides them with a secure attachment and resilience, being attuned to ourselves facilitates our own resilience and stability. Mindfulness practices help you develop the ability to tune in to your inner world and regulate your emotions so that you can respond to, rather than react to, situations, and avoid going into panic mode or automatic pilot. Simply put mindfulness helps you operate from your soul self rather than your ego.

“My ego was ‘should-ing’ all over my soul. After spending enough time recognizing my thoughts, I was able to observe them, notice them. I saw that they were not the light within. I discovered my thoughts didn’t resonate with me, but rather only served to make me feel angry, sad, scared, and confused. I was buried under a pile of shoulds. My ego spun stories, fantasies, and fears. It was only when I stepped back and separated myself from my thoughts that my soul had enough room to breathe and started to grow of its own accord. I didn’t have to do anything. That was just a lie my ego told me. All I had to do was wait and listen.”

—VA

Mindfulness can help you not only in dealing with a variety of aspects that contribute to your eating disorder, but also with many other things in your life. There are numerous mindful-ness practices that can help increase your awareness of, connection to, and capability of managing your emotions. We will describe two different categories of mindfulness practices. The first category includes traditional mindfulness practices, which involve some kind of physical practice like sitting in meditation, walking meditation, or yoga. All of these are done by focusing your attention on internal awareness of some kind. The second category we call “soul lessons,” because they involve concepts or strategies that help facilitate connection to your soul self, but might not be seen as traditional mindfulness practices. Some exercises are easy and take very little time or effort, and others are more difficult and require practice. If you are not interested in a particular practice or exercise just skip it and go to the next one or move around this key. However, having said that, we think you will be as surprised as we were when you learn about the effectiveness of these practices, and hopefully you will learn some new and interesting ways to help both your recovery and your life.

Traditional Mindfulness Practices

We start with paying attention to your breath, because it is the simplest form of mindfulness practice we know and it can have profound effects. Paying attention to your breath increases your awareness of the life force running through your body, but this is where most people think the benefits stop. Your breath is always with you and is rhythmic, so you can close your eyes and easily focus your attention on it. Some breathing exercises involve nothing more than just turning your awareness to your breath. Others involve noticing your breath in specific parts of your body, counting your breath, or other breath-related tasks. When you become distracted, which you inevitably will, simply return to your breath and any related exercise.

Mindfulness Assignment: Learning To Pay Attention To Your Breath

See if you can count to twenty breaths. Sit in a quiet, comfortable place where you can spend a few undisturbed minutes. Close your eyes, settle yourself into a comfortable sitting position, and pay attention to your breathing. Notice that you are paying attention to your life force. Begin counting each breath. Count each cycle of an inhale and exhale until you get to twenty. If you lose track, simply start over. The idea is to focus on the inhale and the exhale twenty times and tune out all other activity and thoughts. See if you can do it. You will be surprised how hard this is.

Another breath exercise is to reflect on your breathing and to focus specifically on the turn-around point where the inhale stops and the exhale begins. See if you can do this for five minutes. When you get distracted, which you will, simply return your focus to your breath. It is easy to try this out. Just set the timer on your phone or watch and get started. On the other hand, it is very hard to do.

We are not used to slowing down, turning our focus inward, and paying attention to things such as our breath. Over time, you will find that this kind of practice becomes easier and develops your ability to feel calm and centered, not just while doing it, but at other times when you need to be calm and centered in your life. You may also become more aware of your internal self, a presence that you are normally not in touch with. The books in the Resources section for this key will give you more information about breathing and mindfulness. Meditation is what seems to come to mind when most people think of mindfulness. It is also usually thought of as difficult to do. Many people don’t really know what meditation is, think it is mysterious, or believe they can’t do it because they don’t know how to “empty the mind.” There are many forms of meditation, but they all involve shifting from thinking to awareness, and learning to separate your ego (mind) from your inner essence (soul). Meditating is simple in concept yet difficult to do. If the word “meditation” brings up negative connotations, try substituting the phrase “going inside,” which is a good way of thinking about what meditation really is. Viola Fodor (1997), who recovered from a severe case of bulimia, describes in her book, Desperately Seeking Self: An Inner Guidebook for People with Eating Problems, how “going inside” helped her recover.

On the simplest level, meditation is sitting quietly, eyes closed, with the goal of letting go of, or letting pass, any thoughts that come to mind. When thoughts do come in, as they always do, just notice them, let them go, and return to just being aware and present with yourself and any sensations. Getting lost in your thoughts does not mean you are doing it wrong or are unable to meditate. The point is to notice the distractions and perhaps even say to yourself, “I am distracted” or “I am thinking” and let the thought go by. Trying this for 10 minutes will likely demonstrate how simple but difficult this practice is. Learning how to just be still and aware is a way of gaining access to, and building a relationship with, your soul self. The goal of meditation is not just whatever benefits you achieve while meditating, but to help you become more open, aware, and attuned with yourself, your emotions, and your world during all the other moments of your life.

Various health benefits of meditation have long been recognized. Meditation is now widely accepted as an effective way of reducing both physical and mental stress and promoting psychological well-being. Specifically, meditation has been shown to enhance higher-order cognitive functions and reduce anxiety, chronic pain, high blood pressure, serum cholesterol level, cortisol levels triggered by stress, substance abuse, and symptoms of post-traumatic stress (Rubia, 2009). Meditating has also been shown to alter brain activity and increase gray matter in the brain, which might account for greater focus, emotion regulation, response control, and mindful behavior (Luders, Gaser, Lepore, Narr, & Toga, 2009).

If you want to practice meditation, we suggest you start by finding a time to do it that works best for you. Choose a time when you are least likely to be interrupted and have a special place to go to meditate. You will soon begin to associate this place with meditating, and your mind and body will begin to relax just by entering the space. Don’t have any expectations; remember there is no right or wrong way to do it, meditation is a practice. Make commitments in time increments, times of the day, and days per week you can reliably maintain. For example, start with five minutes twice a week. Practice this same schedule on a regular basis until you are able to do it fairly easily and then you can increase the minutes or the days, but go slowly. If you attempt to do too much you risk becoming frustrated and may want to give up. If you are still unsure about the practice of meditation or just want more information, we suggest Dan Siegel’s book, Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation, as well as Real Meditation in Minutes a Day: Optimizing Your Performance, Relationships, Spirituality, and Health by Joseph Arpaia and Lobsang Rapgay.

Personal Reflections:

Gwen: It’s easy to feel like we are just victims of our minds as we helplessly perseverate on whatever thoughts, conversations, fears or problems are spinning around in there, especially when there is an eating disorder voice chiming in all day. When I first heard about meditation and mindfulness I thought it was all some New Age wishful thinking, but as I was searching for ways to heal and grow I kept running into this same concept in different forms and arenas. I began to wonder if maybe there was something to these practices. I was skeptical, but viewing meditation as a way of taking my mind to the gym was a helpful analogy in increasing my understanding and openness to trying it out. I am proof that even if you don’t initially believe in it, you can learn to actually shift your mind away from all the chaos and chatter to a calmer and more peaceful place.

I was first introduced to the idea of mindfulness and meditation at Monte Nido, so I was somewhat open to the idea when someone encouraged me to enroll in a mindfulness-based meditation course. Meditation was not natural or easy for me. During the first couple of weeks of the course, I became anxious and agitated during many of the exercises and fell asleep on more than one occasion. I wanted to quit, but I kept going in the hope that it would get better. As a person who is rarely silent and loves to talk, sitting in total silence was a grueling task. At the end of the ten-week class, I received the award for “most improved” on the final day of class, which was a whole day spent together in total silence—a heroic feat for me. Today I continue to practice breathing and mindfulness techniques that help me stay focused in the present moment and give me a break from my busy mind.

For various reasons, meditating may not be a fit for you. For many people, closing their eyes to meditate makes them uncomfortable or they “get too lost inside” their head. There are other mindfulness practices we suggest. You might prefer a more active kind of mindfulness practice, like a walking meditation, where you simply focus your awareness and attention on a certain part of your body as you walk, perhaps shifting your focus from one part to another. Monitoring awareness and intention is the essence of all mindfulness practices. Doing things like gardening, hiking, or spending time in nature can be a mindful or meditative experience. Being in nature has a way of bringing mindfulness to you. There are also specific body-oriented movement activities, such as tai chi or yoga, that for millennia have been known to support internal awareness and mindfulness. Because we have found it so effective in our personal lives and the lives of our clients, we will explore yoga here in more detail.

Carolyn: As already mentioned in Key 6, I began yoga under the duress of running injuries. As unsure as I felt about it, I stuck with it, and before too long found that the practice of yoga gave me a way to be in my body and be calm and mindful, using my awareness and intention to set and accomplish goals. Yoga not only helped my body, but it helped my mind stay fit and flexible. When I opened Monte Nido I knew yoga had to be a part of what I would offer. When Gwen was first introduced to yoga, she too did not take to it right away. Now we both practice yoga as a part of our lives. Yoga is an ancient practice, and the word itself means “yoke” (as in yoking together) or “union” of mind, body, and the divine. Over the last few years, research on yoga and eating disorders has been increasing and is promising, showing that practicing yoga can lead to less self-objectification, greater body satisfaction, and fewer eating disorder symptoms. Clients consistently tell us that introducing them to yoga helped them immensely in a variety of ways, as described by the following clients:

“Yoga allows me to experience connection on many levels. I feel connected to my breath, I feel connected to my body, and I feel strength, both mental and physical. I know my body’s limitations and I listen to my body. I feel at one with my breath. I am living in the moment and am fully present. I am not thinking about calories. I am not feeling fat. I am not thinking about food. I am actually living.”

—JL

“Yoga was the first time I could do any exercise without trying to calculate calories burned. In yoga, I found myself for the first time being really interested in how my body felt, not how it looked. It was as if I noticed it for the first time. I began to pay attention to my body in class without judging it and this helped me pay better attention in that way in all areas of my life.”

—JW

Soul Lessons

We use the term “soul lessons” to describe various exercises, activities or assignments we use to help our clients become mindful of and connect with spirituality and soul. One of the simplest and easiest ways to connect with soul is to pay attention to what we call “soul moments.” A soul moment is a moment that touches you deeply, and you experience awe or reverence that is hard to describe in words. We often ask our clients to remember and report back to us different “soul moments” they experience during the week. Asking clients to share soul moments helps them to connect to their soul self. Here are some examples of soul moments clients have shared with us:

•  Participating in ritual or ceremony

•  Singing or chanting with others

•  Watching the sunset

•  Gazing at the moon and/or the stars

•  Staring into someone’s eyes

•  Witnessing a child being born

•  Feeling the spray of a waterfall

•  Listening to music or a choir

•  Sitting quietly in a forest

Keeping track of soul moments is keeping track of life’s sacred-ness. Soul moments remind us how easy it is to find a way to be moved, and reminded of the connection to something greater than ourselves. Keeping track of soul moments will help you remain grateful for things that might be ordinary in some sense, but are still full of wonder when you take the time to fully pay attention to and appreciate them.

Writing Assignment: Soul Moments

Make a list of some soul moments you have experienced. Describe what made it a soul moment. Think about a world where the things on your list are no longer possible to experience. This will help you grasp the sacredness of these moments.

Beginner’s Mind

Seeing with our soul self rather than our ego is seeing with a beginner’s mind. Many of our soul lessons are essentially mindfulness practices, which involve learning to see and experience things as if you were seeing them for the first time, or with “beginner’s mind.” Using a beginner’s mind means learning to rid yourself of preconceived notions and see things in a new, fresh way. This is similar to the tree example described earlier, but in the tree example you imagined that the familiar tree became rare, and with beginner’s mind you imagine seeing something as if for the first time. In both cases you are paying attention in a new way and making the ordinary sacred. If you have ever watched the awe and delight of a child discovering ice cream or sand for the first time, you have witnessed beginner’s mind. We hope the following examples and assignments will help bring this concept to life.

Writing Assignment: Sunrise or Sunset With Beginner’s Mind

Bring your journal with you to watch the sun set or rise. After you watch the sun set or rise, write down a description of the sun and what is happening. Describe everything: the colors, the changing light, the clouds, and anything else you can think of. Try to avoid using the word “sun” and instead describe what the sun actually is. Read what you wrote. Hopefully both your experience of watching and then writing about this earthly event will bring you a renewed appreciation of it.

Writing Assignment: Discovering An Apple

Imagine you have arrived on earth from another planet and have come across an apple tree. You are told that apples are food and given one to taste. Write about what an apple is and what it looks and tastes like. Our next beginner’s mind assignment comes in two parts. The first part involves describing a flower and the second part involves describing your body. If you decide to skip this part now, we encourage you to come back to it later. This assignment is important and will illustrate how beginner’s mind will help you with your eating disorder and other areas of your life.

Writing Assignment Part 1: Describing a Flower

For this assignment you need your journal and a flower. Pretend you are from another planet and you are asked to describe your flower to the people back home so they will know what a flower on earth is like. Describe color, sight, smell, touch, and anything else you sense. You can use analogies or metaphors. Here is a short example from one of our clients:

“My flower is called a rose. It is light pink, almost peach, and pink. It is an imperfect circle, made up of petals, which resemble irregular, slightly round, velvet droplets, fattened out. The petals on the inside are the color of the sun just as it sets over the ocean. There are about four rows of open petals surrounding a tighter bud. The rose is beautiful and fragrant. Each petal itself is not beautiful or very fragrant; only when all of the petals are combined together does its beauty and fragrance show.”

After you have written about your flower, read what you wrote to yourself and just take it in. For a moment imagine a world where flowers compared themselves to each other, because one had a fatter stem, or larger petals. Remember comparing our bodies is a learned behavior, but we can also unlearn it if we work really hard.

Writing Assignment Part 2: Describing Your Body

As this assignment might be more challenging, we encourage you to take time and give it your full attention. You are once again a being from another planet inhabiting a human body, or your “earth suit,” for your time on Earth. Just as you did for the flower, write a description of the human body using your body as the model. Write about what the body looks like, the many parts and how they function, what purpose the body serves, and how it works or moves. If you find yourself writing anything derogatory, stop and write that part again. Just like when you wrote about the flower, use detailed, objective descriptions, not judgments, when describing your body. Here is an excerpt from a client’s description:

“My body is a vehicle for my soul, my spirit, my energy. I have four appendages, which carry me through life. The two lowest, the legs, support me, ground me, and connect me to the earth. They enable me to run, jump, walk, they are strong, and they are curvaceous and feminine. My torso, the core of my body, holds messages of love, connection, creativity, and spunk. From my torso extends the two other appendages, my arms. My arms give and take, they have five-fingered hands at the end, which grasp, touch, caress, feel, and help. My arms are strong, they are connected to my torso by my shoulders, also durable, but they have the tendency to tighten when I experience emotional fluctuations. The other extremely feminine parts of my body are my breasts. They give life-sustaining nourishment to my offspring.”

—KM

After you have written about your body, read over your description and perhaps share it with someone else. As you reflect on this experience, consider these questions: What was it like to describe your body without any negative words? How did you feel before you began writing and how do you feel after reading over what you wrote? What is it like to describe your body in terms of all that it does for you from a beginner’s mind, instead of focusing on its appearance and size, comparing it to others, and pinpointing all the things you dislike?

Seeing first a flower and then your body with a beginner’s mind, appreciating it for all it is and all it can do for you is an important aspect of living a more soulful life and healing your body image. Over identification with the body is one of the most basic forms of ego; you begin to think of it as who you are. We hope you are coming to understand your body as special and unique to you—your precious “earth suit” that allows you to run, jump, hug, play, and a myriad of other things. It’s OK if you have a hard time with this. Changing the way you think about your body and developing a new relationship with it can take a long time, so be patient.

Negative body image is known to be the most difficult symptom to treat and the last to heal in recovery from an eating disorder. Healing your negative body image is a very important aspect of your recovery. We do not use traditional body image assignments, such as body tracing, or estimating your body size to show you have distorted body image, because we don’t find them helpful. To illustrate this point, suppose we said, “Don’t think about a white horse.” If you are like most people, the first thing that came to your mind was just that, a white horse. Traditional body image exercises often keep the focus on your body, when it seems wiser to turn your focus to what is more important, or what truly matters. In terms of negative body image we agree with Ben Franklin: “Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle.”

Remember that one of the criteria for having an eating disorder is that your self-evaluation is unduly influenced by body weight and shape. Rather than “working on” your body image, we prefer to bring in some light by helping you transfer your self-evaluation to matters of the heart and soul. When your life is filled with soul moments, mindfulness, and seeing the ordinary as sacred, you will find yourself focusing less on your body image and more on who you are and the world around you. Our goal is not that you stop caring altogether about your appearance, but that you come to accept what you can and can’t change without compromising your health or betraying your soul.

Valuing your soul means that inevitably your body gets valued too, but valuing doesn’t mean changing; it means honoring. The goal is not to detach from your body, but rather to attach a soulful meaning to it. By caring for your soul, you are healing your body image. As you work on mindfulness practices and soul lessons you will rediscover the sacred in everyday life, and find connection, appreciation, and even love for your body.

Writing Assignment: A Letter to Your Body From Your Soul Self

Now that you understand the difference between your ego and your soul, write a letter to your body from your soul self. See how your soul self thinks about, describes, and treats your body. We suggest you put this letter on your mirror or keep a copy with you for difficult times.

Tell the Truth Without Judgment

“Truth Without Judgment” is the third guiding principle. It is an important concept we follow in our own lives and teach to our clients. If someone hurts your feelings or upsets you, it is your ego that has been hurt. Your ego might react by wanting to hurt back. When you react and lash out at another person with anger and judgment, it is always your ego reacting to that other ego, and a battle of egos ensues. Understanding the concept of ego and soul provides you with the insight you need to realize when you are reacting from your ego, and to redirect yourself to connect with your inner wisdom or “soul self,” which will help you decide how you really want to respond.

Telling the truth without judgment is easy when you are happy with a situation, or want to tell people how much you appreciate them or something they have done. It is far more difficult to tell the truth without judgment when you are dissatisfied, upset, or want something to be different. To accomplish truth without judgment you will need to step outside of your ego, bring your soul self forward, and honestly communicate your thoughts and feelings without negativity or judgment. This allows other people to better hear the message and take it in. Truth without judgment is often a very hard thing to convey.

Imagine you find out that a friend lied to you. Your ego gets hurt and you react with judgment and negativity, by yelling and calling her names. None of these reactions are likely to get you what you really want. To practice truth without judgment you first ask yourself, “what is my goal?” and then “how do I want to feel about myself after the conversation?” If your goal is to make your friend angry with you and perhaps end the relationship, then yelling and screaming will likely accomplish this goal. If your goal is to have a better relationship, but at the same time to tell her how you feel, and get her to look at her behavior and perhaps change it, then truth without judgment is a better approach. Telling the truth without judgment allows you to be honest about how you are feeling without blaming others, which makes it much more likely your message will be heard rather than ignored or defended against. The first and very crucial step to making this successful is working to calm and neutralize any anger or strong feelings you have inside you before you attempt to communicate. It’s not just about the words you say; it’s very much about the energy and emotion behind them. To get any negative energy out of your body, go for a walk, listen to some music, journal, meditate, or do one of the mindfulness exercises—whatever helps you to get calm and back to neutral. When you feel balanced, calm, and connected to your “soul self,” you are ready to approach your friend and communicate your truth without any judgment.

Carolyn: Practicing truth without judgment has improved my own life and relationships. This practice reinforces itself when you do it because people actually hear you without judgment or negative energy interfering with your message, and you leave the situation having accomplished your goal. Buddha reminds us of the importance of practicing truth without judgment with these words: “Holding onto anger is like grabbing a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned.”

Truth without judgment is important but difficult to practice, especially with people you are close to. The people with whom we have the greatest emotional history can easily trigger negative energy and activate our egos. I find it most difficult to stay calm and communicate from my soul self when I have a conflict with my sister or my husband. They are the two people in my life whom my ego will react to immediately, before I even know it. My best approach to this challenge has been to view them as my highest spiritual teachers, because learning how to respond to them rather than react to them provides me the greatest opportunity for growth. A tactic I use when I am feeling angry or critical, and I am unsure how to respond to someone without being judgmental, is to ask myself, “What would the Dalai Lama say?” Thinking of what he would actually say helps me tap into my soul self. We encourage you to think about the people who trigger your ego the most, and then try to evoke a “teacher” you can call on to help you know what to say in those difficult moments.

Writing Assignment: Practicing truth without Judgment

Think of a person with whom you are upset or have unfinished business. Write down your feelings about the situation, and then come up with what you can say to the person without any negative comments or judgment. For example, in the case of a friend who has lied to you, instead of saying, “You are such a liar and a terrible friend,” you could say, “It hurts that you didn’t trust me enough to be honest. I thought we were better friends than that.” Next, write what you would like that person to know and what you would specifically like to ask for. “I am having a hard time with this and feel strongly that we need to tell each other the truth no matter how hard it is.” Make sure that you leave out any name-calling, labeling, or blaming. Practice saying what you wrote without any anger or strong emotion attached. If you still get angry or upset, you aren’t quite ready yet. You may need more time. When you are first learning this skill, it sometimes helps to read what you want to communicate to the person.

You might be thinking, “What if truth without judgment doesn’t work?” You can’t be sure of, or control, how other people will react to anything. You can only do your part to be the best person you can be. Just like a tuning fork that sends out a certain vibration, we have found that when you stay connected to your soul self, you help bring out the same in others. Practicing truth without judgment will help improve the quality of your interactions and relationships. We have yet to find anyone who says otherwise. The following illustrates how these concepts have helped one of our clients.

“I know now that my ego reacts but my soul responds, and as hard as that is to remember, more times than not I am able to take a step back and ask myself—how do I want to be in this, and which part of me is showing up? I now know that being “right” isn’t always winning an argument or being the one with the most evidence to prove the other person is at fault, but rather it is the person who stays connected to who they truly are and knows when to step back and bring that soul self in the room. It’s really hard at times not to react when I know I’m right (which of course is my ego talking), but I’ve gotten to the point where I want to be heard, not feared, and if I don’t come from a place where my soul self is driving, and tell the truth without judgment, that won’t happen.”

—CR

Not Being Attached To the Results

The fourth guiding principle for living, “Not Being Attached to the Results,” is difficult to grasp at first. People often think that not being attached means not caring about what happens. Caring about what happens is important, but so is accepting the things you cannot change or that are not worth the energy, money, or effort to change. Not being attached means letting go of the past and being open and hopeful about the future, but accepting what is now and whatever happens. Non-attachment is learning how to live a life of acceptance, as opposed to resistance.

There are only two ways to deal with something: acceptance or resistance. Think about that for a minute. There really is no other way. When you realize the truth in this fundamental principle and keep it in mind, it can change how you experience your life. Here is an example: Let’s say you have been planning all week to be outside on Saturday and enjoy a nice sunny day. When you get up Saturday morning you realize clouds have come in and it has started to rain. You have two ways of handling this turn of events. You can resist the situation by feeling deprived, angry, and upset. You might say you can’t believe this has happened and curse the rain. Some people in this situation would be so unhappy about the rain they would allow it to ruin their day. Or you can not be attached to having a sunny day, and accept the rain. Acceptance is realizing things are as they are and not resisting. When you accept that it’s not the rain that is awful, but your reaction to the rain that is awful, you begin to see how you create your own happiness and unhappiness. Once you accept that the rain just is, you can decide what to do about it. You can create a whole new plan for your Saturday that incorporates the fact that it is raining. You may not be able to accept the situation immediately (for example, you might need to express your sadness and disappointment about having to change your plans), but when you do reach acceptance you will be released from your negativity and unnecessary unhappiness. Of course, it is easier to accept rain on a day planned for sun, than accepting a betrayal by a friend or getting into a car accident, but the underlying concept is the same. The important things to do in any situation are to feel your feelings, accept what you can and can’t do about it, and proceed accordingly. For example, in the case of a car accident, non-attachment would be: 1) letting yourself feel your feelings, like anger or sadness, knowing they will pass; 2) accepting that it happened and you can’t undo it; and 3) doing what you can do, such as making sure you are OK, calling the police, and calling a friend. Attachment and resistance would look like: 1) berating yourself repeatedly for not taking an alternate route (“Why didn’t I go the other way?”); 2) blaming the other person and name calling, (“You are an idiot, why didn’t you look, you are so stupid!); and 3) not accepting and doing what you can do, but instead continuing to argue and blame, keeping yourself stuck.

The principle of non-attachment can be applied to every area of your life. Imagine doing what you can and then letting go. The next time you get into a fight with your best friend or partner ask yourself, “How long do I want to be mad?” Non-attachment can help you let go of anger or a need to have it your way. A text message from a client illustrates how the principle of not being attached and acceptance verses resistance can help you out even in the simplest of situations that could otherwise ruin your day:

“Here I sit in a traffic jam on the freeway. I can’t move my car at all. I was starting to get mad and frustrated and then I remembered, “acceptance versus resistance,” and I started to laugh. I turned on the radio and started singing. Thank you for this concept; it has changed my life.”

—CR

Non-Attachment and Your Body

Hopefully you are beginning to think about how you can apply the concept of non-attachment and acceptance versus resistance to your life. Our clients repeatedly tell us that this principle helps them in numerous ways. We have found that one of the most profound uses of this principle and one of the hardest areas to apply it to is in relationship to your body. If you are having a difficult time with your body or body image, consider how not being attached to the results could help. Just like the rain in our earlier example, your body is not awful. It just is. It is your resistance to your body and the emotional reaction created by that resistance that is awful. Believe it or not, you are in control of your happiness and unhappiness in this area. True happiness is rarely (if ever) achieved by changing something external, or outside of you. Our inner states of consciousness are far more influential than our outer circumstances. The way we experience life is created by the state of mind with which we meet it. Try to imagine what your life would be like if you were truly able to practice acceptance versus resistance. Imagine what your life would be like if you were truly able to accept your body’s natural size and shape. Imagine what it would be like to let go of any attachment you have of forcing your body into a weight or shape that you have to be sick and unhappy in order to achieve. Think about what your life will be like when you live with acceptance rather than resistance to your body every day. This can be done and you can get there.

You have come to the end of our exploration of the four principles for living. We hope you can already see how showing up, paying attention, telling the truth without judgment, and not being attached to the results can not only help you recover but add necessary meaning and purpose to your life, making it all worth it to do so. We often suggest that our clients create a special place, such as an altar, in their home where they can place special objects to remind them on a daily basis of the four principles for living or something else that is meaningful to them. You could also just have a special spot where you can put a poster or a sign where you write out the four principles of living or the 8 keys to recovery or special quotes that you change periodically. Our clients tell us that just being reminded of these things helps them stay connected to the concepts or things in life they find meaningful.

Assignment: Creating an Altar

This assignment is for you if you are interested in creating a special place or altar to display items that remind you of what you find meaningful and important. The place should be quiet and private, like your bedroom or some similarly personal area. You can use the top of a dresser, an end table, or a shelf. Using a special piece of fabric helps to designate the area as a separate and sacred space. The fabric can be anything from a favorite scarf, to a piece of lace, or a piece of cloth cut from the old clothes of someone you love.

You can use things that symbolize the four principles of living or the 8 keys or items that remind you of your soul self or taking care of your earth suit. Use objects that mean something to you such as photographs, a favorite quote, or a personal item from a loved one. For example, one client used a small mirror to represent “Show Up” and another used a picture of an angel to represent “Truth without Judgment.” To represent Key 1, motivation, you could use a picture of a hiking trip you want to be well enough to take or for Key 7, reaching out, you can use a list of phone numbers or photographs of people you will call when you need support.

It is often suggested that traditional altars display the elements of earth, air, fire, and water. For example, a stone or crystal for the earth, a feather for air, a candle for fire, and a seashell or small bowl of fresh water for water. Many people like to display things that represent the senses (sound, smell, taste, touch, and vision) such as a bell or chime, a fresh flower, incense, a mint, a piece of chocolate, a piece of velvet, or anything else that you think belongs and engages your senses. People often like to light candles or incense to evoke a more sacred feeling. Do only what feels meaningful to you. The important thing is that you have things in this special place that remind you of meaning and purpose in life and help get you connected to your soul self and to that which you value. Spending time with your altar is a healthy ritual.

You can use your special place or altar in any way that feels right for you. You can just look at it periodically to remind you of what you find important, or you can sit near it, contemplating an important decision, or just in gratitude. This space and the objects displayed are your reminder of your connection to that which lies beyond the daily concerns of life. Let it be an external representation of your internal world. Your altar is a daily whisper to remember soul.

Gwen: I experienced firsthand most of the assignments in this key and I know how helpful and meaningful they can be. Carolyn has been cultivating them like a garden for many years. I also remember that while I was still deeply entrenched in my eating disorder, I was pretty numb and unable to connect on a spiritual level. I was disconnected from my body, my feelings, and from others, so it’s not surprising that I felt disconnected from the deepest part of me, my soul. If you are struggling with this key, here are some things that will help. Get some distance from your behaviors. You don’t have to be symptom-free, but if your eating disorder is taking up all the space, there is not much room for anything else to get through. My eating disorder was like a shroud covering or blocking my ability to connect. Share experiences with someone. Find a friend who would be interested in doing some of the exercises with you. Doing something soulful with someone else is like infusing the experience with an extra dose of meaning. If I couldn’t connect to something at all, I told myself “I’m not there yet.” Nothing more. I didn’t judge the activity as stupid or meaningless and I didn’t judge myself as bad or soul-less. If a thought like that popped in, I immediately countered it with “I’m not there yet.”

We are near the end of this key and the end of our book. We want to share with you hopeful words from a client that illustrate several of the four principles and 8 keys at work in her recovery process.

“Each day has its challenges, but I show up and I am free of my old behaviors. Once I challenged the behaviors and was abstinent from them for a significant period of time, it became easy to see the core issues underneath because my attempts to divert attention from those issues manifested themselves in new ways. The point is, life can only be viewed with clarity and approached without fear when I pay attention. I must own my emotions, notice them in my body, feel my feelings and express them. I must accept my body without judgment. I must act in honest ways, telling the truth without judgment to others. If I am constantly acting and doing rather than “being,” I will never know where my intentions are rooted. I am still employing mindful-ness in my everyday life and this is what connects me to my soul self.

At one point I wrote a good-bye letter to my eating disorder self and in the last paragraph I wrote: “I feel your fear, I see you as a small and fragile child. I reach out my hand to you and embrace you. I won’t ignore your fear; I will help you trust the world. You will not need to use eating disorder behaviors because this does not serve us and together we will find other ways to get what we need. The strange reality is, once I started feeding my body and soul, we began to fuse in a harmonious way. Right now there are still some small remnants of you as a distinct eating disorder self separate from my healthy soul self that is back in control. The goal is not to get rid of you. However, through caring for my soul, your energy was and still is being neutralized and transformed. You are now my alarm system telling me when something needs to be attended to. We are the same person. I exist because you exist. In some ways this letter is a good-bye, but it is also a welcome home to where our true integrated self lives an honest and full life.”

How did I get to this place? I began to work on a picture of my essence, or soul self. Who am I without a physical form? I worked on this daily and would picture this essence or soul self when I was eating consciously, exercising, and doing any activity. I got used to living life without referencing my physical body but with a strong reference to my soul self. I began to meditate on my physical body. This was sad and painful at first. I would scan my body, part by part, noticing the thoughts and beliefs that came up. I would do this at times where my negative and distorted thoughts ran high such as after meals. However, I also created an inventory of positive thoughts and beliefs from my essence or soul self and got better and better at challenging and counteracting the negative thoughts with healthy soul self statements. I would have long dialogues with my two parts of self and when it was too difficult or I just wanted help, I would reach out to others for support.

I came to realize that my body, my earth suit, is a gift meant for living life and also for deriving pleasure from life. I try to love and accept it unconditionally. If I feed and nurture my body, heal it and continue to respect it, my eating disorder has no place in my life. There are other things to which I turn my attention now, things that bring my life true meaning rather than the illusion of meaning and purpose my eating disorder had given me before.”

—KM

Our Final Thoughts

We hope this key and this book have inspired you to leave your eating disorder behind and find deeper meaning. You have the ability to make more soul-led choices. Perhaps you just needed someone to point you in the right direction and encourage you to pay attention to what will bring your life more connection and joy. Taking the time to practice mindfulness skills, participate in soul lessons, see things with a beginner’s mind, and bring reverence and sacredness to yourself and those around you will help you create a more spiritual and soulful life. You cannot control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to what happens. Living in acceptance helps you decrease needless suffering and let go of unnecessary attachments you may have. This does not mean you have to just sit by and accept everything that happens without ever trying to make changes. It means you first have to pay attention, accept things for what they are, and then determine what you can do. You can live your life in resistance to things or learn when to accept, change, or move on. Letting go of your eating disorder will help you to live a more meaningful life and, on the other hand, living a more meaningful life will help you let go of your eating disorder. Both are true and up to you.

After reading through all the keys, you might now have a better idea of what it might be like for you when, like us, you can look back and see your eating disorder as a thing of the past. When that time comes you will be recovered. You will no longer have an eating disorder self but instead will be living your life as a fully whole integrated person. You will understand your issues but no longer use eating disorder behaviors to cope. You will feel your feelings and know how to challenge your thoughts. You will eat freely but consciously what you want and no longer use scales or diets to dictate your eating. You will continue to be aware of and work on any problematic behaviors that need to change. You will get your needs met from your relationships rather than your eating disorder and live a soul-led life that brings you meaning and purpose.

Writing Assignment: A Day in My Life When I Am Recovered

We have come to our last assignment in the book. By doing this last assignment, you will have the opportunity to write your own final thoughts and create a personal ending of this book for you. In Key 1 we asked you to write about a day in your life when you are recovered. Take some time to visualize once again a day in the future when you are free from your eating disorder. Where are you and who are you with? Get very specific in your imagery. What are you wearing? What is going on in your life at this time? Are you working or going to school? Are you in a relationship? Imagine yourself sitting down to have a meal. Are you with someone or by yourself? Where are you having this meal? What are you eating? How does it feel to be free of negative or fearful thoughts about the food and your body? What kind of friends do you have? What brings meaning to your life? Spend some time with this visualization and then write it down. Remember, having a clear image of what your life will be like and writing it down is an example of setting an intention for where you are headed. Carry a copy of this assignment with you and hang a copy of it somewhere where you can see it every day. You can even send us a copy if you would like.

Our best to you on this journey.

Namaste, Carolyn and Gwen.

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

—PIERRE TEILHARD DE CHARDIN