You’ve been dating the same person for a little while now and things so far couldn’t be better. You are in the honeymoon phase. Every day you grow more comfortable together, learning each other’s lovable habits, idiosyncrasies, likes and dislikes, what makes you both happy or sad. It’s all good.
You have a date planned and you show up late: not just a few minutes but almost an hour. Your excuses: Your phone battery died, you couldn’t call, you were stuck on the subway—all of which is true. You have a good reason for being late. You arrive full of apologies. Surprisingly, your date smiles and seems totally fine—cool, still and calm. They even look a little too calm, almost serene. You ask if they are OK and they say they are. You assume this is potentially a time bomb that will explode when you least expect it. Regardless of their outward body language of tranquility, you think, I am going to have to pay for that.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE BEHAVIOR in this situation that makes you jump to the conclusion that it’s only a matter of time before you will face the full force of your date’s wrath? Let’s suspend judgment here and be more descriptive of what you are seeing and the circumstances.
The key signal that is setting off alarm bells for you is their body language of tranquility, which directly contrasts with your expectation of anger—how you think they should react. You don’t trust the calm reaction, and so the conclusion for you is that they are suppressing their anger. But how can you prove this? How do you detect suppressed anger? Suppressed anger by its very nature does not show up in body language terms as obvious, energetic or overt signs of anger, or as aggressive behaviors such as clenched fists pounding on the table, raised voice, downward vocal inflection and stamping of feet.
However, you would perhaps be able to detect some micro-expressions—brief, involuntary facial expressions that show what they are really feeling. Anger micro-expressions that might leak out are generally understood to include vertical lines between the brows, brows drawn together, tense lower lids, tight and narrow lips, glaring eyes, dilated nostrils and a jutting lower jaw, with all three facial areas involved in the gesture.1
Even with the best of intentions, not many people are trained or practiced enough to be able to consciously detect these subtle moments of telltale body language in the moment. Even so, you may have picked up on them unconsciously, and this is causing you to distrust your date’s overt outward appearance and words of calm. Instead you suspect they may unleash a powerful rage on you.
If you are expecting to see anger, then signals that are similar to anger but not indicative of it—for example, facial signals that could potentially indicate worry or concern, such as squinting eyes, a furrowed forehead and tight lips2—could make you think the volcano is gearing up to blow. But is it really?
Let’s look at the context. You’ve been dating for a little while, but the relationship is still relatively new. You do not have a baseline as of yet for how this person reacts to a situation like this. However, you are bringing with you a cloud of expectation of an angry response. You have therefore provided a context that demands anger from your date.
BODY LANGUAGE MYTHBUSTER
Body Language Says It All
Ninety-three percent of all communication is nonverbal. Excellent, you might be thinking. This means you can say any old words you like to anybody and your body language will do the heavy lifting of getting your meaning across. Well, not exactly. The classic study by Dr. Albert Mehrabian concludes that “the total impact of a message is based on: 7% words used; 38% tone of voice, volume, rate of speech, vocal pitch; 55% facial expressions, hand gestures, postures and other forms of body language.”3
Mehrabian never claimed you could view a movie in a foreign language and accurately guess 93 percent of the content by watching body language, nor is he implying that words are unimportant for getting across meaning. His research was focused on the communication of emotions, specifically liking and disliking. The nonverbal aspect of communication won’t deliver 93 percent of your entire message, but it will stimulate theories in the viewer as to the underlying feelings and intentions that inform the meaning of the spoken content. People will evaluate most of the emotional content of your message not by what you say but by your nonverbal signals.
Ask what else could be forming these expectations. What is your history with others in terms of how they have reacted to your lateness? Did you have a past partner who was angry if you were late? Past experiences may have shaped how you now expect all others to behave in this circumstance. This is leading you to have a strong pattern of expectation and then mistrust should the other person not fulfill that expectation.
However, they could just be feeling happy and contented you are there now and you had a credible reason for being so late. You just can’t believe that, unlike others in your past, they would be so forgiving. It’s all too different to feel true.
There are new assumptions you might make from all this. If you indeed are picking up on micro-gestures of anger, it could be that you are repeatedly making promises to your partner that you don’t or can’t keep, and over time they may grow angry and eventually blow up at you.
Alternatively, as you are most moved by the sense of serenity they are displaying through their stillness and smile, it is entirely possible they are so into you that they are just content with your presence regardless of your being late.
How can you test any of these new assumptions and new judgments to get more feedback on what they are thinking? Maybe this relationship is far enough along that it can tolerate the test of letting your date know your worry and asking for honest feedback on it. It’s time to talk about the feelings you are getting from the body language you see—and don’t see. Tell them they look really happy and calm, even though you’re so late. Tell them you’re worried they might actually be upset with you but are not letting you know. Let them know you’d like them to be honest with you if they are upset and that the two of you can work it out together.
Aggression in the Walk
This research is in its early days, but all the same, it’s something to keep in mind when deciding whether someone is aggressive or not.
Exploratory research from the departments of sport and psychology at the University of Portsmouth suggests you can predict certain personality traits from the way people move their upper and lower bodies while walking. “We find that increased upper body movement (relative to lower body movement) can indicate latent aggression,” lead researcher Liam Satchell told MedicalResearch.com.4
QUICK SCAN
S: Your judgments can sometimes come from not seeing something you expect to see. Powerful initial, kneejerk reactions that may need suspending are as much about the expected as the unexpected.
C: In the context of new relationships, you can be surprised and wary of others’ reactions when you don’t get the reaction you would have in the previous similar relationship.
A: Always ask what else you are layering into the interpretation of a situation, what past experiences may be influencing your judgment.
N: New judgments can give you the opportunity to check your habitual behaviors, be transparent about old concerns and turn over a new leaf.