You have recently transferred to a new area in your organization, and so far everyone seems friendly and cooperative. But each time you meet with the group, there is always this one person who starts off by sitting up really straight and tall, glaring around at everyone else. They spread out their laptop and cell phone on the table, and to take up even more of the available space, they lean their elbows wide and then steeple their fingers together in front of them. Every time someone else puts an idea forward, this person purses their lips and squints. They dominate the conversation by jumping in on top of other people’s ideas with their own, and when others are talking they slightly turn away and look down or elsewhere, not making eye contact with anyone in those moments. And, worst of all, at the end of the meeting they stand up, fists on hips and legs wide apart, and deliver their recommendations to the group, finger-pointing at each and every person. You can’t help regarding them with annoyance and utter disdain, but you wonder if it’s just you. You ask around. Everyone has been thinking the same thing about this person: So, you think you’re the boss?
EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMS quite clear in this description that this annoying colleague wants to control the meeting, take power and be “the boss” (originally a uniquely American term, from the Dutch word for “master”), let’s SCAN this situation and suspend judgment to be more descriptive about what they are doing, how it reads and how they make others feel. Importantly, does their body language tell the truth about the situation? That is, are they actually gaining the power they want? Will their behavior make them the boss, or are they in fact losing the interest of everyone around them?
This would-be boss displays many key signals of dominance and superiority. They start out the meeting by delivering a healthy dose of direct eye contact, meted out to everyone to establish the power of their dominance, as if to show that they are the top dog. Then, when others speak, they turn and look away, not making any eye contact, effectively demonstrating they are not listening to anyone else, a sign of disrespect. They show height dominance over everyone else by sitting up very straight and tall, to get higher and show off power and their feeling of superiority. They claim ownership over much of the table surface, going so far as to spread their devices around as if saying they own the land and “Keep off.”
Additionally, they cut in when others are speaking, laying claim to more of the airwaves and showing off their dominance and superiority by breaking the social rules of not interrupting. They not only show with their body language that they are blocking out listening to others but also make facial signals that undermine the ideas being put forth by others at the table: steepling their fingers together, squinting their eyes and pursing their lips. The steepling sets out to display intelligence; the squinting shows off their discomfort or stress at listening to the ideas of others; and the pursing of the lips, which involves pulling their lips inward from all directions tightly—not to be confused with outward-protruding puckered lips as in a kiss, or even pointing with the lips—indicates a negative evaluation or judgment, disapproval and, across most cultures, disagreement with what is being said. At the end of the meeting, they take a superhero “power pose” of standing with feet apart and fists on hips, as if that will seal the deal for them—as if everyone they point a jabbing finger toward will start applauding their power and might. Instead and unsurprisingly, the collective response to this display is annoyance and utter disdain.
Pursed Lips or Pointing?
Using the index finger to point, though widely understood in the Western world, is not universal. In fact, pointing with the lips to target or to draw others’ attention toward something is a commonly used gesture in many cultures around the world. In central to northern Ontario, Canada, many Indigenous people signal by pointing with their lips. The Anishinaabe (Ojibwa) word for “over there”—iwidi, pronounced “eh-weh-day”—even allows for the mouth to produce this directional pointing gesture as it is being said. Other examples and variations of lip pointing can be seen in Filipino societies, as well as in other parts of Southeast Asia, the Caribbean, Australia, Africa and South America.1 So, be mindful not to mistake someone pointing with their lips for someone pursing them in disapproval or puckering them with affection.
Of course, every one of us has come across some form of these “alpha” practices and accompanying theories about leadership—mainly, that if you display these dominant gestures, you will be seen as the leader. In our scenario, why is it not working? The would-be leader in the story is certainly playing out those alpha “leadership” behaviors, and yet, you do not feel particularly good about this person based on how they are acting. You are not buying what they are selling. Why is their alpha leadership behavior making them so unlikable in our scenario?
Let’s take a look at the truth and lies of the alpha theory about leadership, and how they play out within the context of our story.
Some popular research has many people thinking there is a universal set of power behaviors that top dogs naturally show, and we can all follow along to get ourselves those leadership roles. This idea of alpha body language stems from social dominance theory, derived from European behavioral research into captive wolves. In a nutshell, a study of how wild wolves behave when put into captivity transformed into theory about domestic dog behavior and then human behavior. While none of the original behaviors seen in the captive wolves can scientifically be viewed as normal for wild wolves (because of the situational differences), the behaviors that scientists at the time linked to dominance—without any logic or real evidence that they reflected human patterns of behavior—were theoretically taken to accurately describe norms of human behavior. This approach is analogous to drawing inferences about leadership dynamics in wild wolf packs by studying imprisoned humans. Though there may be some accidental correlation, the species, society and situation are radically different, and we should expect some quite inaccurate theories and practices to emerge. Garbage in, garbage out.
Nowadays, after years of more carefully constructed studies, we understand that in some species of social mammals, every member of a group has a place in the hierarchy, while in others there is a dominant leader or codominant partnership over a group of subordinates that are equal in power to each other. Humans are even more complex: We belong to more than one social circle. A person who is a follower at work may be a leader within their interest group that meets up each weekend, and then positioned somewhere between the two in any of their many virtual tribes; the leader in their workspace may now rank well beneath them in this context. Human social dominance is complex. One size does not fit all in all circumstances; while one behavior can win you power and status in one context, it may be the very same behavior that demotes you in another.
Now let’s put the would-be boss’s alpha behavior into context—a group of coworkers meeting in the work environment, where those top dog behaviors are not met with a resounding whoop from the crowd. Progressive and harmonious work environments are increasingly built on a calm and assertive state of synchronization—one that will enable leadership through establishing common ground, fostering community and respect—and on power-sharing. This is becoming increasingly ingrained in the workplace, and even in environments that are traditionally hierarchical and old fashioned, change is afoot. For many organizations, the new best practice for the most successful working environment involves a culture epitomized by ideals of autonomy, equality, diversity, community, sharing and respect, where employees feel inspired to pitch in and give their best ideas and practices for the greater good of the organization.3 Plenty of research backs up the correlation between this description of work environment and culture with not only more contented and motivated staff but also an increase in profitability.
This context of the workplace landscape therefore may be at odds with the would-be leader displaying top dog alpha signs, the kind of leadership traits that suggest a domineering and arrogant leader who will aggressively throw their weight around and demean others by showing they do not care what others think. The environment of politics can differ completely from that of the work organization in terms of what leadership qualities resonate for the public. In politics, particularly for populations in times of crisis or threat or who largely feel disenfranchised, we see time and again how it is just this aggressive show of dominance and power that may be able to win the day in a leadership race. But in our scenario, as in many modern workplaces, we are often not looking for a pushy and aggressive leader who does not value our ideas or even want to hear them, who demonstrates they are better than us and who makes no secret of the fact that given the opportunity, they would squash us under their heel. Rather we are looking for sharing, cooperation and teamwork.
In this context, their dominance displays have made us feel disdainful of them. Their actions do not fit the community’s values. Though they may feel they are truly putting across all the “right” signs of alpha or dominant body language to show their leadership abilities, the theory behind it is built on a lie, and the place they are performing the tactics don’t value those actions.
What else can you ask yourself to consider in this scenario? In terms of demonstrating leadership behavior, what other choices do they have? Would you prefer they go in the other direction, minimizing their use of space, caving in and looking down, shrugging their shoulders in a show of either indifference or uncertainty, biting their nails anxiously, showing less dominant and more submissive behavior? Would that inspire you? No, of course not. The behaviors required to perform as a good, modern leader are not binary but are more complex.
So your new judgment could be that regardless of whether they want to be the boss, your colleague does not have the slightest idea of how annoying their behavior is, how it is alienating all their coworkers and may just as likely alienate the upper management who could instill them with power. It is so not the route to getting what they want. One way to test this would be to politely make them aware of the effect their communication style is having on others; for example, send them a link to an article on best practices in team communication. However, if they ignore you and persist, everyone could refuse to work with them, thereby both proving to them and showing upper management that you will not be bullied into submission.
MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY
Our friend and colleague JANINE DRIVER used to read body language every day to stay alive. She spent over fifteen years as a federal law enforcement officer within the Department of Justice. Now she is CEO of the Body Language Institute and has taught body language skills to, among others, the ATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives), FBI, CIA and DIA. Here she talks about the three “determination moves” to avoid using if you do not want to appear too bossy—even if you are the boss.
Maybe you’re like me, or know someone like me, who demonstrates “I mean business” or “It’s my way or the highway,” with an increase in pressure instead of a decrease in pressure. Just ask my husband, or any of my former bosses when I worked as an investigator with the ATF—they’ll all tell you I can be a real peach. I’m just one of those people who meet pressure with more pressure; I may pull my lips in, make a fist under the table, tilt my head and use intense jabbing illustrators, or thrust my head forward with a tilt, as if to say, “Hellllllo, did you hear me?” While I don’t scream with my words, my determined body language shrieks I’m the boss here, people—even when I’m not!
In a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology in 2009, researchers examined how increasing pressure by making a fist affects feelings of assertiveness. Participants, some making the “rock” gesture and others “scissors,” answered a series of questions to measure their assertiveness. While the researchers found that men making a fist reported feeling more assertive than those making a neutral gesture, the women did not report the same feelings.
Why the difference? Increasing pressure in the form of a fist activates ideas of power or control in both genders, but each gender might make a fist under different circumstances. Researchers argue that, for most men, physical aggression is a means to gain power, whereas for most women it is an expression of lost power—a last resort.
As you might imagine, when I make a fist, pound the air or thrust forward, I do not make for an inspiring boss or respected and followed leader. So after decades of working for someone else, I left my government job and created my own company, where I get to be the boss of at least myself. I use my increase in pressure movements to persist against difficult odds and resist pressure, justify intent, follow my beliefs and convictions, and build resolve to support my favored course of action.
QUICK SCAN
S: Suspending judgment on popular behavioral ideas can be a great way to find the real and sometimes more complex truth in body language in any given situation.
C: Look at the “idea” of a certain role, think about what present or past context it may have worked in, and highlight for yourself how these have changed and evolved, and the expectations of behavior with them.
A: Ask what other possible ways someone can realistically behave in a situation. How far on the opposite end of a spectrum could they go?
N: Should you always test a new judgement? When is it worth the risk, or laternativekly more valuable for yourself and the community to make a bolder statement to assert yourself: How far do you go?