20 May On the steamer.1 I seem to be coming back to life and to the awareness of it.
Since Moscow I’ve been thinking over things. The idea of the folly of progress haunts me. With the clever and the stupid, the old and the young, I talk only about this one thing. Wrote an article in this spirit for the 6th number of Yasnaya Polyana.2 […]
23 August, Moscow In Moscow. Haven’t eaten for two days, had awful toothache, spent the night at the Behrs’. A child!3 It could be! But what terrible confusion! Oh, if only I could manage to reach a clear and honourable position. I must write two articles: on Markov,4 and on the Committee for Literacy and R.5 Submitted a letter to the Tsar.6 Marvelled at the manoeuvres.7 How splendid! A dragoon makes a blunder, but the Tsar gallops on. I’m afraid for myself – what if this is the desire for love, and not love? I try to look only at her weak sides, but nevertheless. A child! It could be!
24 August Got up feeling well and with a particularly clear head; the writing went well, but the content is poor. Then I felt sadder than I’ve been for a long time. No, I haven’t any friends at all! I’m alone. I used to have friends when I served Mammon, but not now that I serve the truth. Went to Auntie’s. Living isn’t so simple for old ladies either, and life pulsates for them with all its subtle complexities. Went to Kryzhanovsky’s; he tried to show that he’s not forgotten in his grandeur.8 If only he knew how I hold his grandeur against him. Orlov – what a simpleton he is! At the theatre I couldn’t sit through the ballet,9 but the Tsar does so every day. To Katkov’s. The sour-tempered Babst. They’re discussing the good of Russia all the time too. Katkov’s wife – they’re ashamed of her, but she’s cleverer than all of them, she’s a mother. I think less about Sonya, but when I do, it’s good.
26 August Walked to the Behrs’; it was quiet and cosy there. Girlish laughter. Sonya was plain and vulgar, but she interests me. She gave me a story to read.10 What force of truth and simplicity! The uncertainty torments her. I read it all without a sinking heart, and without a sign of jealousy or envy, but ‘unusually unattractive appearance’ and ‘fickleness of opinions’ touched me on the raw. I’ve calmed down now. All this is not for me. Work, and just the satisfaction of my needs.
28 August I’m thirty-four. Got up with my usual melancholy. Thought up a society for craft apprentices. Paquot11 came with a bunch of letters and flowers. Serdobolsky.12 Suvorin.13 Popov.14 Worked a bit; wasted my time writing to Sonya in initial letters.15 Wasted my time dining at Pechkin’s, had a nap at home. To the Sushkovs’ (lied about the 1,000 roubles). A pleasant evening at the Tyutchevs’. A sweet, reassuring night. You ugly mug, don’t think about marriage; your vocation is different, and for that you have been well endowed.
29 August […] Wrote badly. If you avoid the essential, the result is tittle-tattle. Dined at home. Called on Behrs and went with him to Pokrovskoye. Nothing, nothing, silence … Not love, as before, not jealousy, not pity even, though rather like it, but something sweet, a bit of hope (which there shouldn’t be). You swine. A bit like pity and sorrow. But a wonderful night, and a good, sweet feeling. She made me decipher the letter. I was embarrassed. So was she. There was a scene. It’s all unnatural. Popov is unusually intelligent and pleasant. I’m sad, but happy too. Mashenka says: ‘You ‘re always waiting for something.’ How can I help it?
30 August Worked in the morning. Was interrupted by Timiryazev.16 Gilyarov17 made me angry. Dined at home, had a sleep, then to the Behrs’. I’m not jealous of Sonya because of P.;18 I can’t believe that it’s not me. It seemed the right moment, but it was night-time. She spoke in the same way; sadly and calmly. A walk, the summer-house, supper at home, her eyes – and the night-time! You fool, it’s not meant for you; but still I’m in love, as never before except with Sonechka Koloshina and A.19 Spent the night at their house, couldn’t sleep; nothing but her. ‘You’ve never loved,’ she said, and it was so funny and I was so glad.
31 August In the morning, too, the same sweet feeling, and the fullness of a life of love. Did some writing. Two fools – Pleshcheyev and Yakushkin – interrupted me; a foreword and insertions to Mohammed.20 To the Tyutchevs’; died-in-the-wool blue stockings. How offensive they are to me. Someone spoke and it seemed like her voice. This third and last love is deep-seated. It’s not for you, you old devil – go on writing critical articles! Began to write to her and was interrupted – a good job. I can’t leave now – and that’s that. Kokhanovskaya21 is nauseating; they’re all nauseating – shrivelled up in their crinolines.
3 September At their place; nothing special at first, then a walk. ‘He’s ugly; you look well.’ Lorgnettes. ‘Please come again.’ I’ve calmed down! On the way back I thought: either it’s all unintentional, or her feelings are unusually subtle, or it’s the basest coquetry – one man today, another tomorrow – and where does the person leaving fit in?22 – or else it’s unintentional and subtle and coquettish. But on the whole nothing, nothing, silence. Never has my future life with a wife presented itself to me so clearly, joyfully and calmly. Evening at the Perfilyevs’. Boring old men. I know, Vasyuk,23 I know about your sins. How mean the silent deceiving of each other – the settling of scores. But perhaps it’s my fate too. Memento, Dublitsky, old devil, uncle Lyavon.24 Yet my feelings say: Mein schönes Herz [My dear heart]. Above all, I think, it would be so simple, so timely, with neither passion, nor fear, nor a moment’s regret.
7 September Told Vasenka and felt calmer. Vasenka is pitiable: he feels so shallow and at the same time so old. Today I’m on my own at home and can reflect on my own situation as it were at leisure. I must wait. Dublitsky, don’t intrude where youth, poetry, beauty and love are – leave that to cadets, my friend. Vasenka and I gorged ourselves today and lay facing each other, breathing heavily – that’s the thing for you. Nonsense. A monastery, work – that’s your vocation, and from its height you can look down calmly and gladly at other people’s love and happiness. I’ve been in that monastery and I’ll go back again. Yes.
My diary is insincere. Arrière-pensée [mental reservation] that she is with me, and will sit beside me and read and … and this is for her.
8 September In the morning Auerbach came with his wife’s article. Vasenka, Suvorin. Sasha Behrs. Went round to the Behrs’ for dinner all the same. Andrey Yevstafyev25 stayed in his room – it was as if I’d stolen something. Tanechka26 was serious and severe. Sonya opened the door; she seemed to have grown thinner. She has nothing in her for me of what the others had and have – the conventionally poetic and attractive – but she draws me irresistibly. (I went to the village with Sasha – a wench, a peasant coquette, aroused my interest, alas.) Liza seems to be quietly taking possession of me. My God! How beautifully unhappy she would be if she were my wife. In the evening she wouldn’t give me the music for a long time. I was seething all over. Sonya played the part of a little Tatyana Behrs, and that seemed to me an encouraging sign. We had a walk at night.
9 September She blushes and is agitated. Oh, Dublitsky, don’t dream. Came back with Paquot and Sasha, had dinner and slept. Started to work, but couldn’t. Instead of work, I wrote her a letter which I won’t send.27 I can’t leave Moscow, I can’t. I’m writing without any ulterior motive, for myself only, and I’m trying not to make any plans. I seem to have been in Moscow for a year already.
Couldn’t sleep till 3. Dreamed and suffered agonies like a sixteen-year-old boy.
10 September Woke up on 10 September at 10, tired after a restless night. Worked sluggishly, and waited for the evening as a schoolboy waits for Sunday. Went for a walk. To the Perfilyevs’. The stupid Praskovya Fyodorovna. To the Kuznetsky Bridge and the Kremlin. She wasn’t there. She was at the young Gorstkins’. She came back looking serious and severe. And I went off again without hope and more in love than ever. Au fond there is hope. I must, I absolutely must cut this knot. I’m beginning to hate Liza as well as pity her. Lord! Help me and teach me. Another sleepless and agonising night; I feel it, I, who laughed at the sufferings of people in love. What you laugh at, you become a slave to. How many plans have I made to tell her and Tanechka, and all in vain. I’m beginning to hate Liza with all my heart. Lord, help me, teach me. Mother of God, help me.
11 September Wrote well in the morning. My feelings are just as strong. The whole day was just like yesterday.
Didn’t dare to go to their house. Walked a lot, went to Yakovleva’s. Talked to Vasya. No one can help me except God. I beseech Him. Evening at the Perfilyevs’. The pretty Mendt girls. No one for me. I’m tired. A sort of physical restlessness.
12 September Roamed about all day and went to gymnastics. Dined at the club. I’m in love as I never believed it possible to love. I’m mad, I’ll shoot myself if it goes on like this. Spent the evening at their house. She’s charming in every respect. But I’m the repulsive Dublitsky. I should have been on my guard sooner. Granted I’m Dublitsky, but love makes me beautiful. Yes. Tomorrow morning I’ll go to their house. There have been moments, but I didn’t take advantage of them. I was timid; I should simply have spoken. I just want to go back now and say everything in front of them all. Lord, help me.
13 September Nothing happened. Seryozha arrived though. Every day I think that it’s impossible to suffer more and at the same time to be happy, and every day I become more demented. Went out again with melancholy, remorse and happiness in my heart. I’ll go tomorrow as soon as I get up and say everything, or I’ll shoot myself.
14 September 4 am. I wrote her a letter.28 I’ll give it her tomorrow, i.e. today, the 14th. My God, how afraid I am of dying. Happiness, and such happiness, seems to me impossible. My God, help me.
15 September Only slept for an hour and a half, but feel fresh and am terribly nervous. The same feelings this morning. Went to Seryozha’s and we laughed there about the immortality of the soul. To the Kremlin. To the nauseating Tyutchevs’ and to them. The situation has become clear, I think. She’s strange … I can’t write for myself only. It seems to me, in fact I’m sure, that soon there won’t be any secrets for me alone, but secrets for two; she will read everything. We went to the Perfilyevs’. Went to bed nervously exhausted, but didn’t sleep much – six hours. Yesterday the 14th – I was a bit calmer, and today I’m calmer still. Something will happen.
15 September I didn’t speak, but said there was something to speak about. Told Vasenka about the death of Nikolenka and wept like a child. Tomorrow.
16 September I spoke. She said – yes. She’s like a winged bird. There’s nothing to write. All this can’t be forgotten and can’t be written down.
17 September Fiancé, presents, champagne. Liza is pitiable and depressed. She must hate me. She kissed me.
18 September Worked in the morning, then went to their house. Olga Zaykovskaya.29 Met Seryozha. She was unkempt. Dinner without Liza. A talk with Andrey Yefstafyevich. Polivanov. She doesn’t kiss in an ordinary way but earnestly.
19 September I’m calmer. Slept through the morning. Chicherin, boredom. Roamed around aimlessly; 5.30 at their house. She was anxious. Liza looked better; in the evening she said she loved me.
20, 21, 22, 23, 24 September, Moscow – Yasnaya Polyana I can’t understand how the week has passed. I don’t remember anything: only the kiss by the piano and the appearance of Satan, then jealousy of the past, doubts about her love and the thought that she’s deceiving herself.
Good news about the article30 and the sale of my works.31 On the wedding day, fear, distrust and the desire to run away. The festivities of the ceremony. She was in tears. In the carriage. She knows everything and it’s simple. At Biryulevo. Her timidity. Something morbid. Yasnaya Polyana. Seryozha affectionate. Auntie already preparing to suffer. The night; a bad dream. Not her.
25 September At Yasnaya Morning coffee – ill at ease. The students are puzzled. Had a walk with her and Seryozha. Dinner. She was too forward. I slept after dinner and she wrote. Unbelievable happiness. And again she’s writing by my side. It can’t be that all this will last as long as life itself.
26, 27, 28, 29, 30 September At Yasnaya. I can’t recognise myself. All my mistakes are clear to me. I love her just the same, if not more. I can’t work. Today there was a scene. I was sad that we behave just the same way as other people. I told her she had hurt me with regard to my feelings for her, and I wept. She’s charming. I love her even more. But is it all genuine?
1 October We kept our word. An excellent morning. Attended to things on the estate. Was angry with Ignatyev32 over the bank business. Vasily Yermilovich33 came. After dinner I wrote letters. She doesn’t want to write to the aunts at court – she senses everything. Said goodbye to the students and to the people.34
2, 3, 4–14 October We’ve had two more clashes: (1) because I was rude and (2) because of her n.35 I love her more and more, although with a different love; there have been difficult moments. […]
15 October All this time I’ve been busy with what are called practical matters, nothing else. But this idleness is beginning to weigh on me. I can’t respect myself. And therefore I’m not satisfied with myself and uncertain in my relations with others. I’ve decided to close the journal and the schools too – I think. I’m still annoyed with my life, and even with her. I must work …
19 December Another month of happiness. The only bad thing is Stellovsky, my mistake concerning him. Now there’s a period of tranquillity as far as my feelings for her are concerned. I’m working very hard, yet it seems trivial stuff. Finished the first part of The Cossacks.
The features of my present life are fullness, absence of dreams, hopes and self-consciousness, but on the other hand fear and remorse over my egoism. The students are leaving and I’m sorry for them. Auntie has assumed a new, elderly expression which touches me.
22 December A strange dreamy state, as my wife says, but I’ve lots of energy – I’m not smoking. The students are angry that they owe money and are to blame in my eyes. I’m sorry about this aspect, which is outside the scope of all the agreements.
27 December, Moscow We are in Moscow.36 As always I’ve paid penance with ill health and a bad frame of mind. I was very displeased with her, compared her with other people, almost repented of it, but knew it was only temporary and waited, and it passed. We had words over the doll; she wanted to show off her simple tastes in front of me. Now we’ve got over it. We went to the theatre; it was wasted on her too. I’m afraid of her father. Lyubov Alexandrovna is nice. I keep looking hard at Tanya. I’ve seen no writers apart from Fet and I won’t see any.
30 December A mass of thoughts; I just want to write. I’ve become terribly grown up. I wonder if I’m envious? I can’t help growing old. A stupid evening at the Behrs’. Labord.37 Tanya – sensuality. Sonya moves me with her fears. The mere difference [?] between us hurts me. I will always love her.
1 On the Volga, en route for Samara, where Tolstoy was going to take the kumys (fermented mare’s milk) cure.
2 Upbringing and Education.
3 S. A. Behrs, Tolstoy’s future wife.
4 Progress and the Definition of Education, in reply to an article by a teacher from Tula, Y. L. Markov, on the theory and practice of Tolstoy’s school. Tolstoy’s article was published in Yasnaya Polyana.
5 An article (also published in Tolstoy’s journal) on the publishing activities of the Petersburg Committee for Literacy. It is not clear what the words ‘and R’ refer to.
6 About the police search carried out at Yasnaya Polyana during Tolstoy’s absence. (Letters, I, 163).
7 On the Khodynka field (the site of the disaster during the coronation festivities for Nicholas II in 1896, when hundreds of people were trampled to death).
8 A veteran of the Crimean War. Tolstoy hoped to use his good offices and those of Orlov to ensure that his letter reached the Tsar.
9 Giselle.
10 Natasha, in which Sonya portrayed some features of Tolstoy in the person of Dublitsky (Letters, I, 168, fn.2).
11 A French tutor in the Behrs’ household, who brought birthday greetings and presents from the family.
12 One of the teachers at Tolstoy’s school.
13 A. S. Suvorin, a journalist and later editor of New Times. Suvorin was writing a biography of the Patriarch Nikon for Tolstoy’s journal.
14 A student who corrected the proofs of Tolstoy’s journal.
15 As Levin later did to Kitty in Anna Karenina.
16 An examining magistrate, later best man at Tolstoy’s wedding.
17 A member of the Moscow Censorship Committee whose delay in approving Tolstoy’s article (Note 2) angered Tolstoy.
18 Either N. A. Popov or M. A. Polivanov, both suitors of Sonya.
19 Either A. A. Obolenskaya, as Soviet commentators believe, or Aksinya, the mother of Tolstoy’s illegitimate son.
20 An article on Mohammed written by Sonya’s sister Yelizaveta and edited by Tolstoy for publication in his journal.
21 The pseudonym of a Slavophile authoress, referred to disparagingly in a letter to Druzhinin (Letters, I, 124).
22 The ‘P’ of Note 18.
23 V. S. Perfilyev (also Vasenka in the entry for 7 September).
24 Another reference to Sonya’s story Natasha, which she destroyed before her marriage.
25 Sonya’s father, who was expecting Tolstoy to propose to his eldest daughter Liza, not to Sonya.
26 Sonya’s sister.
27 In which Tolstoy explained what he had meant by the initials he had used in an earlier message (Note 15).
28 Letters, I, 168 – a revised version of the letter referred to in Note 27 which was not sent but has survived.
29 A friend of Sonya’s whose father was also a doctor.
30 Note 2. The article had just been passed by the censors.
31 A reference to negotiations with the Petersburg bookseller Stellovsky with a view to publishing Tolstoy’s collected works. The negotiations came to nothing at this stage.
32 Tolstoy’s successor as arbiter of the peace.
33 Zyabrev, headman of the village of Yasnaya Polyana.
34 After his marriage Tolstoy gave up teaching at his school (although lessons continued for a time with other teachers). The last issue of the journal (No. 12) appeared early the following year. Narod (‘the people’) refers here to the peasant children at the school.
35 Only the initial letter ‘n’ appears in the original, and it is not clear what word was intended.
36 The Tolstoys moved to Moscow on 23 December and stayed at Chevalier’s hotel until early February.
37 A nickname for Tanya, who was taking lessons from the Italian singer of that name.