And now I’m here, sitting on the hood of Maddie’s car, giggling to myself in the dark. I can’t believe I actually just said that to Stuart Shah. I feel like what a superhero must feel like. I feel like I can hear everything, see everything, still feel the vibrating air between us and the snap of the book in my hand as I shut it and the edge of his sleeve I brushed as I left. I can’t remember when I felt such a rush.
Probably when we found out we had gotten a good enough score to qualify for Nationals. Or, no, maybe when Mrs. Townsend told me that I was in the running to be valedictorian.
Oh god, I was reckless.
I was reckless but I feel like I won. Maddie told me to be brave, and I was.
And funnily enough, Future Sam, when I did it, I thought of you. I thought of you looking back on me in that moment and watching me melt into the background, or go home and feel sorry for myself, and I got angry.
If you are me later, let’s say… next year, after you’ve had your first successful term at college, I want you to be fucking cool. And not just cool as in a perfect, happy image of someone having a perfect time, the kind of stuff that I see in the photos people share at parties like this one, not a person defined by the captions you paste on your life. I think people fake that they’re having fun a lot of the time in photos, because they want people to think they’re having fun. Well, that’s not life, is it?
Sometimes life is really terrible. Sometimes life gives you a weird disease.
Sometimes life is really good, but never in a simple sort of way.
And when I look back, I will know I have tried.
But now I’m sort of stranded here on Maddie’s car. It’s probably been an hour or so.
She texted me: Where r u??
I told her, but when I texted her again to ask when we were leaving, my phone died. I don’t have Internet. I also didn’t get to warn Maddie about what I said to Stuart.
Shit, it’s gonna get lonely out here, Future Sam.
Okay, good. I can hear footsteps coming down the driveway. Probably Maddie here to chew me out and tell me to get back inside. Nooo way, I’m going to tell her. I said my piece.
I may be socially impaired but I know enough not to go back in there. I am going to pretend like I am typing something on my laptop because I am super busy as to effectively ignore Maddie.
Oh god.
It’s not Maddie. It’s someone dressed all in gray, looking around at all the cars.
It’s Stuart.