CONTENTS

  1. COVER
  2. TITLE PAGE
  3. WELCOME
  4. DEDICATION
  5. THE MEMORY BOOK
  6. WHAT MRS. TOWNSEND WAS PROBABLY LOOKING AT
  7. WHITE MALE PHILOSOPHERS WHO (BASED ON THEIR PORTRAITS) I/WE WOULD MAKE OUT WITH
  8. SHAH DOLCE VITA
  9. THE WAITING ROOM
  10. NOT TOO SICK, OR HOW TO AVOID BEING ON A WEBSITE IN A TROPICAL SHIRT
  11. THE REVENGE OF COOPER LIND
  12. AFFIRMATIVE CASE FOR ATTENDING ROSS NERVIG’S PARTY FRIDAY NIGHT: AN EXPLORATION INTO TEEN SOCIAL HABITS UNDER THE GUISE OF DEBATE PREPARATION
  13. THE UNEXPECTED PARTY
  14. THE DEATH DRIVE
  15. ROY, ROY, ROY
  16. WHICH KIND OF TREE AM I—AM I EVEN IN THE FOREST?
  17. OH MY GOD
  18. THOUGHTS
  19. BY ALL ACCOUNTS, HERE’S HOW NATIONALS SHOULD UNFOLD:
  20. LIFE DURING WARTIME
  21. SO IT BEGINS
  22. SUCK IT
  23. UNTITLED
  24. FUCK IT
  25. SERIOUSLY, FUCK THIS
  26. TRUTH BOMBS
  27. QUASIMODO RETURNS TO THE BELL TOWER
  28. SPEAKING OF PITS OF DESPAIR, DON’T SPEAK
  29. TASK FORCE
  30. YES, YES, YES
  31. NO ONE CARES AS MUCH AS WE DO
  32. UUGGHHGHGHGHGGGGHHHHHH
  33. ALTERNATIVE RESOURCES, PHASE ONE
  34. A SCENE FROM PROVINCIAL LIFE: IN WHICH MOM SWITCHES TEAMS (FOR NOW)
  35. COME ON
  36. JUST A TUESDAY, LIKE ANY OTHER TUESDAY
  37. HUMANS HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR CENTURIES: A LESSON IN ANATOMY
  38. COOPER LIND’S GUIDE TO ALTERNATIVE RESOURCES
  39. LOOK, TEXTS FROM STUART SHAH
  40. BLUE RASPBERRY
  41. ALTERNATIVE RESOURCES, PHASE TWO
  42. BIKINI BOTTOM
  43. THE CLOCK HANGS IN THE JUNGLE
  44. PDA
  45. LAST FINAL, LAST DAY OF SCHOOL
  46. BUT WHAT IF IT’S NOT
  47. UNTITLED, IN A GOOD WAY
  48. I HAD TO WIPE THE SWEAT OFF MY PALMS ON MY DRESS SO I COULD TYPE
  49. YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE
  50. RUNNING
  51. PLEASE
  52. I DIDN’T DIE
  53. WHAT HAPPENED
  54. COOPER WAS KIND OF RIGHT
  55. THREE NEW MESSAGES
  56. GRATITUDE
  57. HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO
  58. LUCID DREAMING
  59. CAPTAIN STICKMAN
  60. OOOOOOHHHHHH
  61. MRS. TOWNSEND: THE SEQUEL
  62. TEXTS FROM STUART SHAH, NPC EDITION
  63. THAT MONSTER WOMAN THEY KEEP IN THE ATTIC IN THAT ONE BOOK
  64. HOT, STILL, AMERICAN INDEPENDENCE DAY
  65. SO I DID
  66. THE MIRACLE OF SCIENCE
  67. EVERY DAY THIS SUMMER HAS BEEN SUCH GOOD WEATHER, EVEN WHEN IT STORMS
  68. COOP’S GCHAT ATTEMPT TO MAKE ME THINK LOSING MY MEMORY IS NOT SO BAD
  69. KIDS WILL BE KIDS (THAT WAS A GOAT PUN)
  70. WHEW!
  71. TOMORROW
  72. HIGHWAY 89 REVISITED
  73. BAD
  74. BIG WORLD
  75. A LETTER I HAVEN’T SENT
  76. STUART SHAH, NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
  77. MASS
  78. I WISH I HAD DONE THIS FOUR YEARS AGO
  79. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  80. COPYRIGHT

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