Some people just need to change their Facebook status to “Needs Attention.”
Anonymous
When I was growing up in Phoenix, most people had Bermuda grass lawns. Anywhere else, Bermuda grass would be considered a weed, and we’d fight to get rid of it. It takes very little water and grows in just about any type of soil. That makes it an ideal groundcover for the intense summer heat.
In the winter, Bermuda grass goes dormant. It turns completely dry and crunchy and brown. For all purposes, it looks dead. Once spring comes, all it takes is a little water and the lifeless turf begins to turn green.
Some people just accept the brown grass. But others want a green lawn year-round. There are two common solutions:
Most homeowners choose the rye grass. But shopping centers and commercial buildings often choose the paint. When we lived there, it was always startling to visit a shopping center in the winter, step into what looked like a lush, green lawn—only to hear it crunch under our feet. Sometimes we would see the landscapers applying the paint with their tanks and sprayers, and the lawns would magically transform as they walked along.
There are two parts to a lawn: what’s above ground (the part we see), and what’s below ground (the part we don’t see). What happens below ground determines what happens above ground. If we see wilted grass, we know the roots need more water. If the tips of the blades turn brown, it might mean they’re getting too much water. If the grass looks dead, it might just be dormant. The key to a healthy lawn is to take care of what happens below ground.
That’s true with people as well. What happens below the surface determines what people see in our lives. We want people to think highly of us, seeing us as people of high character and integrity. We want to be seen as people who really care.
There are two ways to do that:
People Watching
We can’t fake character. If we’re unhealthy on the inside, it’ll begin to show on the outside over time. Plus, faking it is a lot of work. Real character is an inside job. If we develop it, people will see it on the outside.
Just as we study trees and plants to know if there’s something wrong, we do the same with people. At first glance, they seem happy and it looks like everything’s going well. We ask them how things are going, and they say, “Great. Couldn’t be better.”
But if we look in their eyes, we sense that something isn’t right. Maybe the sparkle is missing, or we sense the slightest droop in their smile as we connect. It’s subtle and easily overlooked in passing. If we’re connecting through technology, it’s even tougher to get those subtle cues.
If we take the time to be observant, we can sense whether someone’s basic needs are being met. If those needs are unmet, we can tell by what’s happening on the surface. If they are being met, we can see that as well.
We seek out relationships to meet our basic needs. For some reason, our most foundational needs can’t be met in isolation. They’re met through human connections.
Early in a relationship, those needs cause us to seek connection. Our needs are met, and we enjoy the relationship. Over time, the needs that were being met in the beginning start being ignored. Maybe we get busy, or distracted, or simply take the other person’s needs for granted. We’ve gotten used to each other, and we don’t work quite as hard at meeting those needs. But those needs are still real and present. It’s like when the wife says, “You never tell me you love me anymore.” The husband replies, “I told you when I married you. If it changes, I’ll let you know.”
The Six Basic Needs
When we observe unhealthy symptoms in others, what basic needs aren’t being met?
There are probably as many theories about what people need as there are people. Here are a variety of approaches:
We could probably build a case for all of these approaches, but we’re talking here about relationships. Unmet needs in relationships cause problems, so we need to identify some of those areas that apply. Knowing what people need can explain why they often behave the way they do.
Based on my experience with people and relationships over the years, I’ve made my own list of the six needs that are present in just about every relationship. Different people have varying degrees of need in each area. The challenge comes when one person has a low level of need in the same area in which the other person in the relationship has a high level of need.
This isn’t meant to be a comprehensive or final list. But it provides a place to start when we’re exploring the basic communication challenges that take place between people.
Security
From birth, we have an innate need for safety and security. We want to know what we can count on so we have a secure anchor point for exploring the future. It’s like standing on a crowded bus or train. When it stops suddenly, people instinctively grab for a railing to hang on to. They trust that it won’t go anywhere.
Let’s say I have a checking account and a savings account at my bank. Let’s also say that my checking account is low. There’s enough to pay the bills this month but nothing left over for frills or emergencies.
Then the refrigerator breaks. If I have ten dollars in my savings account, I’m going to be pretty stressed about the fridge. If I have one hundred thousand dollars in my savings account, I’m going to feel a lot better. My checking account balance hasn’t changed, but having that reserve in savings, even if I’m not planning to use it, gives me a different perspective. There’s a security beneath the surface that I can hang on to.
Relationships thrive on security. If we know our boss is committed to helping us grow in our career path, we’re not as terrified when we make a major mistake. If we know our spouse is deeply committed to the relationship, we are free to have tough conversations without being intimidated or frightened of what will happen.
One person might have a low need for security, so they’re excited about any possibility of change. If the other person has a high need for security, even a small change can be threatening. Put those two people into a relationship, and it can get pretty interesting.
The key is not to decide who’s right and who’s wrong. The key is to listen to the needs of the other person and try to understand their perspective. Only then can both people work creatively toward a solution that will meet both of their needs.
Adventure
Adventure sounds like the opposite of security, but it actually partners with it. Adventure has to do with leaving our comfort zones. If we spend a lot of time in our comfort zones, we become . . . well, comfortable. There’s no incentive to explore outside the familiar.
Most growth happens when we move outside our comfort zones. That takes effort and risk. People with a high need for adventure can’t wait to see what is out there that they’ve never experienced before. They’re innately curious and want to move ahead. People with a low need for adventure tend to fear the unknown. Part of them wants to explore, but they want to do it in a safe environment.
Low adventure people want to watch the safari from the tour bus. High adventure people want to ride the cheetah. There’s an obvious chance of conflict when we put those two people together. Both can get frustrated with the other because they’re moving either too fast or too slow. It takes a deep level of communication to understand each other’s position. When a person feels they’ve been genuinely listened to and heard, they trust the other person and are willing to choose a creative solution that works for both of them.
I know one couple who used to dread vacations together. Both wanted to relax, but one relaxed by being on the move the entire trip, while the other wanted to sit on the beach and read. One wanted to go somewhere new every year, while the other wanted to revisit the familiar places to enjoy them again. They considered taking separate vacations but realized that would only put a deeper wedge between them. Instead, they worked together to create trips in which they could enjoy each other while finding creative ways to meet each other’s needs.
One year, they saved for a river cruise in Europe. Each day there were stops in different cities where they could explore the culture and taste the cuisine for a few hours. When it was time for the ship to continue the journey, one spouse relaxed and read in the stateroom and watched the castles they were passing. The other went to the top deck to take part in organized activities. They were able to enjoy a world-class vacation that met each of their needs.
Growth
Growth is a natural part of being healthy, both physically and emotionally. But growth takes effort. When that effort feels overwhelming, some people decide it’s not worth it.
We can try to ignore the natural instinct to grow, but growth takes place in spite of our efforts. Trying to stop growth is like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. We might be able to do it for a while, but it keeps popping up to the surface.
If people avoid the effort of growth, they often replace it by being distracted. They focus on something else like entertainment or busyness to keep them from feeling the need to grow. But under the surface, the need to grow is still there.
Someone said, “Busyness is the anesthetic for the pain of an empty life.” If people ignore their basic need to grow, the result is often a life filled with activities, but inwardly they are disengaged and discouraged.
Relationships stagnate when they stop growing. They’re like the Dead Sea—a body of water with no outlet in which the salt has built up to a point that no life can survive in it.
Deep inside, we want to know that we’re not broken goods (even though we’re all broken). We need to know that somebody thinks we’re okay and they accept us as we are. We don’t have to “clean up” for them. They know who we are, and they still value us.
Our early life experiences shape our views of ourselves. If the important people in our lives offered unconditional love, we felt valued. If we didn’t experience that kind of love, we felt unaccepted and unworthy. Those early experiences follow us throughout our lives and influence the way we relate to others.
Years ago, the book I’m OK, You’re OK quickly became a bestseller because people identified with the need for acceptance. When someone genuinely cares for us with no strings attached, we have the strength to handle the disappointments in life. Everybody needs someone who cares about them just the way they are, with no agenda.
Connection
Humans need other humans. Life was meant to be shared and finds its richest meaning in community.
When I’m traveling, something often moves me—a world-class sunset, an amazing meal, or just an experience that brings me joy. My first instinct is to think, “I wish Diane could see this.” So I take a picture with my phone and send it to her so she can share the experience. More than once I’ve taken a picture of a meal I’m enjoying that makes me want to experience it with her by my side.
Roger was one of those independent people who said he didn’t need anyone else. “I can take care of myself,” he would say. “Relationships are just too much of a hassle.” But deep inside, he knew it was an excuse. He was afraid to be vulnerable because he didn’t want to be rejected.
Like Roger, many people don’t want to do the hard work to learn interpersonal skills that lead to real connection. It’s easier for them to say, “I don’t need anybody” than to learn how to communicate effectively. Deep inside, it’s an unmet need. If connection doesn’t happen, it impacts the person’s life in some very unhealthy ways.
Human moments have become more rare as they have been replaced by technological moments. When people communicate electronically without having face-to-face conversations, they miss the subtleties that draw people together. When we’re physically present with someone and give them our undivided attention, we have a human moment. That’s connection.
Purpose
We all need to know that we’re not just taking up space on the planet. We’re hardwired that way. We want to make a difference. We were created with a blend of temperament, passion, and interest that makes us unique. Nobody else is just like us, and nobody can contribute what we have to offer.
Too often, we compare ourselves to others. We see the contributions they’re making, and ours feel insignificant by contrast. So we either give up trying (because we believe we don’t have anything of value to give), or we try to copy others. We figure that if we do what they do, we’ll at least be able to make some of the impact they make.
The problem is that when we try to imitate others, we rob the world of the unique contribution we were designed to make. Our uniqueness is the greatest tool we have to make a difference in society and in the lives of others.
That’s especially true in relationships. If two people feel they have nothing to offer, they get caught in a meaningless cycle of activity. They’re busy with many activities but nothing that leads them forward. Sometimes people are even attracted to each other through their lack of purpose, agreeing to a relationship in which they settle for each other. They start by working on projects side by side but end up on the couch fighting over the remote.
Two half people don’t make one whole couple. Relationships can’t be healthy if the people in those relationships are unhealthy.
Moving toward Maturity
When people can’t meet their own basic needs, they are dependent. Somebody else has to meet their needs for them, or they won’t survive. A brand-new baby is dependent, needing someone else to feed them, change them, and provide their basic needs. We don’t mind, because it’s expected of a baby.
There’s an expectation, however, that people will eventually become independent. A newborn grows into a toddler, then a child, then a teenager, then an adult. During that process, they become more and more able to meet their own needs. When adults can’t meet their own needs, we see them as outside the norm. Sometimes their inability stems from physical or developmental issues that create dependency. At other times, people just simply have not made the transition to independence because they’ve gotten used to letting other people take care of their needs.
Our kids are in their thirties, and they’re independent. We’re still emotionally involved with them and connect with them as often as possible. But they have their own lives and make their own choices. We’re connected—if we were out of the picture, it would be painful for them but they would be okay.
Independent people are those whose basic needs have been met, providing the foundation for healthy relationships. Dependent people look to others to meet their needs instead of taking responsibility for them. Most relationship issues result from dependent people trying to get others to meet their needs. When it doesn’t happen, it puts a strain on the relationship.
When conversations get tough, dependent people often blame each other for the problem. A better way is to enter those conversations with a healthy, independent perspective and to bring resources together to work on the issue. Healthy people focus on fixing the problem, not trying to fix the other person.
Children grow into adults. But if their needs aren’t met along the way, they become adults who still function as children. That’s where relationships get messed up and communication gets challenging.
It’s time to grow up.