A relationship without trust is like a cell phone without service. And what do you do with a cell phone with no service? You play games.
Unknown
When I was growing up, I used to hop on my bike about 9:00 in the morning and take off. I never had a destination; I just wanted to explore. My mom would say, “Where are you going?” “I don’t know,” I’d reply. “Well, be home in time for lunch.”
For the next three or four hours, I would ride. Sometimes I’d ride alone. Sometimes I’d find friends to ride with, and we’d ride east to Scottsdale or west to Glendale. We’d go through residential areas, take shortcuts through the desert, or find canal banks to use as mini-freeways. I never worried about anything happening, and my mom evidently trusted that I’d be okay.
Things are a lot different today. When my kids were little, I’d say, “Okay, make sure you don’t go past that driveway down there and make sure you can always see me.” Then I’d stand outside to watch. I trusted them but not those they might encounter around the corner who could harm them.
What changed? Why were my parents so trusting and I wasn’t?
I think the change happened over a few decades as we saw more and more news stories about people hurting kids. There probably weren’t any more incidents than there had been in the past, but the media made them more visible. So it felt like it was happening more often. Little by little, parents became fearful and kept their kids closer to home.
We used to live in a trusting culture punctuated by occasional episodes of harm. Now we live in an untrusting culture punctuated by occasional episodes of integrity.
If news stations showed stories that accurately reflected the percentage of good and bad events that happened, nobody would watch. When there’s a plane crash, people are glued to their televisions. But nobody would watch a story about the tens of thousands of commercial flights every day that are uneventful.
Horrible news stories make us feel as if the world is unsafe and no one can be trusted. That mistrust impacts all our relationships as we begin to view those relationships through a low-trust lens. We’re suspicious of people instead of trusting.
The result? People install hidden cameras in their homes to catch misbehaving babysitters, set up alarms to deter burglars, and pay for protection against identity theft. We assume that salespeople are more concerned about their own finances than ours, that lawyers are all unsavory, that politicians have impure motives.
Maybe that’s why trust takes so long to build but is so easy to destroy. We assume other people aren’t trustworthy until they prove otherwise. Our default setting has become “mistrust” instead of “trust.” That can really mess with the way we communicate.
Every parent faces that day when they leave a young teen home alone for the first time. It’s terrifying because they have to trust them. If the experience goes well, the parent will find it a little easier to trust the next time. But if the teen violates the rules, the situation can lead to a tough conversation. The more trust there is in the relationship, the smoother that conversation will go. The less trust there is, the harder it will be to communicate. The best way to create a smooth road for conversation is to build trust into a relationship.
How We Trust
Most people find themselves somewhere along a trust continuum. At one end, we trust everyone. At the other end, we trust no one. Our life experiences have probably determined where we land.
| Trust No One | Trust Everyone |
Maybe we started with high trust, but someone violated our trust along the way. At that point, we moved to the left on the continuum. It’s also possible that we started with low trust, but someone believed in us and related to us with integrity—and we moved to the right on the continuum.
Where Does Trust Come From?
A good friend of ours got married last year. She invited us over for dinner so we could meet her future husband a few months before the wedding. We had heard great things from her about him, so we assumed he was a great guy. He was (and is), but our first impression was hard to shake. This guy could have been a long-lost identical twin brother of our family doctor. He looked like him, talked like him, had the same gestures, and wore his hair the same way. Fortunately, we like our doctor and trust him. If we didn’t, we probably would have had trouble liking and trusting someone who looks just like him. That’s because, in a sense, we “profile” people. If they remind us of someone we know, it’s hard not to think of them in the same way—whether good or bad.
Whenever we encounter someone for the first time, our trust in them is neutral. We don’t trust or distrust them. But we immediately size them up to decide if they’re trustworthy. If they remind us of someone we trust, we might feel slightly trusting toward them. If they remind us of someone we distrust, we might feel slight mistrust toward them.
Before they ever say a word, we profile them. That gives us a filter for our first conversation with them. If we have a slight mistrust, we’ll listen for words to reinforce that feeling. But our first encounter could change our minds and develop trust. If we feel slightly trusting, we’ll assume their words will fit that assumption. But they could say something that immediately lowers that trust.
Over time, our trust in them goes up or down based on their actions and words. This doesn’t happen all at once; trust is built layer by layer. If our exposure to that person over time is consistently positive, we tend to see them as trustworthy. That’s when we start to relax. We don’t analyze what’s happening each time we’re together. We’ve moved them into the trusted category and finally allow ourselves to enjoy the relationship. We like the other person. We look forward to our encounters with them. We feel safe with them.
That’s the way close relationships begin, and that’s what they’re supposed to look like. So why don’t they stay that way? How does trust disappear?
How We Lose Trust
Sometimes a person we trust completely violates that trust in an instant, such as when we catch them in a lie or we discover they are living a secret life. We’re shocked and feel like we’ve been blindsided. We trusted them, and now we don’t. We believed in them, and now we’re hurt. Why? Because they’re not safe anymore. We allowed ourselves to relax, and we got hurt. Now our guard is up.
But most of the time, a loss of trust happens slowly. We notice something in their speech, in their tone of voice, or in the look in their eyes that feels inconsistent. It’s just under the surface, but we dismiss it because we trust them. We tell ourselves that we just misread the situation. After all, they’re trustworthy, and we’ve learned to relax with them. We believe in them, so it’s just a tiny blip on the radar. We tell ourselves that it’s just our imagination.
If those blips continue to show up, they catch our attention. Maybe we ask the other person about something, and they deny it—or tell us we just don’t understand. They might even say, “What? Don’t you trust me?” Their reaction causes us to feel guilty, and we back off. But the damage has been done.
“So what do I do when there’s no trust in a relationship, and the other person hasn’t given me any reason to trust them? Is there hope?”
Earlier in this book, we found that we can’t pin our hopes on another person changing. It’s possible for people to change, but if we depend on it for our happiness, we’ll likely be frustrated. The only person we can change is ourselves. So if the other person in the relationship can’t be trusted, it’s up to us to determine the boundaries to keep communication from becoming toxic. Instead of focusing on their lack of trustworthiness, we can focus on the one thing we can actually do something about: we can become trustworthy ourselves.
The Importance of Senses to Building Trust
The most important senses we use in communication are sight, sound, and touch (which is why electronic communication puts us at such a disadvantage). The less input we get from those senses, the less we have to work with—and the harder it is to build trust.
PHYSICAL PRESENCE
When we’re with another person, we hear more than their words; we pick up their tone of voice and the subtle inflections that help us tune in to their true motives. We also use our vision to provide clues to their meaning or intentions. Some of those clues are so slight that they register below the level of consciousness, such as a slight loss of eye contact or a tiny nervous gesture. But they still register.
For example, we’re having a tough conversation with someone and wonder whether they’re telling the truth. Certain involuntary signals often reveal that people are lying:
Just because someone demonstrates one of these responses doesn’t mean they’re lying. But a combination of them (or actions that are different than usual) might cause us to question their motives.
We also use our vision to observe a host of things that provide context. We notice if eye contact is strong or broken; we see the slight movements of their lips that hint at the truth; we observe the furrowed brow, the body language, and the gestures that let us peek inside their motives. We might not consciously notice such things, but our brains instinctively process that data.
VERBAL PRESENCE
When we communicate on the phone, we hear tone of voice. But while many signals take place verbally, it’s harder to judge the meaning of those signals without the visual. When there’s an uncomfortable pause during a conversation, it’s tough to evaluate the meaning behind the silence when we can’t see the other person.
If people are trying to avoid telling the truth, they often provide subtle verbal cues:
Again, a single cue doesn’t mean they’re lying. But when there are several, red flags go up in our minds.
That’s why it’s so hard to have challenging conversations without being face-to-face; we miss those subtle cues. I’ve often had conversations with people through video messaging when it’s available and appropriate. It’s still not perfect, but it’s better than words alone. At least we can see facial expressions, even if we miss those tiny cues that can be sensed only in person.
WRITTEN PRESENCE
It’s great to hear from someone in writing. When I see an email from a good friend in my in-box, it’s the first one I open. I can’t wait to see what they have to say.
But when I read their words, I have to picture them saying those words. I insert their tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. Based on my relationship with them, I make assumptions about what they’re thinking. That’s dangerous. I don’t know what they’re thinking because they might not have chosen words that adequately express their feelings. I may jump to conclusions that are inaccurate, but I believe them to be true.
Written words alone are always the last resort when seeking impactful, honest communication.
Together for Trust
Nothing substitutes for physical presence. Trust is built when we’re together.
When I’m traveling, I don’t have physical presence with my wife. So I make sure I call home every night to hear her voice, and we usually text back and forth several times during the day. It’s not ideal, but it’s intentional. We work hard at staying connected when we’re apart.
Sometimes we are in situations where we have to be separated from people for months at a time and physical presence is impossible. When that happens, we need to keep connected through as many senses as possible.
Technology should be a way of enhancing our communication, not replacing it.
Practical Steps for Building Trust
Warren Buffet said, “It takes twenty years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.”1 When trust is violated, we can’t just say, “I’m sorry” and assume that trust has been fully restored. Apologizing is important and allows the relationship to move forward. But it takes repeated action to demonstrate that we’re trustworthy again. Words have to be backed up with consistency.
Here are some practical strategies for building the trust that provides a solid foundation for tough conversations:
When trust is high in a relationship, everything works better. When trust is low, everything gets complicated. That’s why trust is one of the vital ingredients for effective communication and impactful conversation.