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 Tool #4—Your Personal Fuel Station (Emotions)

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion.

Dale Carnegie1

If you touch a spark to gasoline, it explodes. Is that good or bad? If it happens inside a piston of your car’s engine, it’s good. If it happens in your garage, it’s bad. Gasoline can be a powerful resource. It allows us to drive across town or fly around the world. We complain about the cost when it goes too high, yet we’ll wait in line at the gas pump to fill our tanks. Many world governments are trying to find alternate sources of energy. But until something better comes along, our lives would look a whole lot different if we ran out of gasoline.

At the same time, we know the devastation that can take place if we don’t respect its power. We go out of our way to store it properly, dispense it safely, and use it cautiously. Gasoline isn’t the problem; it’s just a source of energy. The problem comes when it isn’t used properly and with control.

Emotions are the same way. We like them when they’re good and avoid them when they’re bad. In our most important relationships, they can be the source of tremendous joy or unspeakable pain. When things are going well, we love the emotion that makes the connection positive. But when things become tense, we dread the feelings that accompany conflict.

Our spouse is frustrated with something we didn’t do; our boss criticizes a report we submitted; a co-worker takes credit for an idea we shared with them; a neighbor gets upset at the leaves in their yard from our tree. Emotion creeps into otherwise stable relationships, and the conversations get tense. We just can’t have normal communication when that happens. Tough conversations need a tough strategy.

When those tough times come, the fight-or-flight instinct kicks in. We’re uncomfortable. The situation doesn’t feel good. We want it to end. So we either fight and use force to get the other person to comply, or we use flight to withdraw from the conflict. Both responses are natural but unhealthy. They both come from seeing emotion as negative, something that needs to be eliminated.

The problem is one of perspective. Emotions aren’t good or bad; they’re just fuel for our relationships. When controlled and channeled, they provide the passion needed to help relationships grow and mature. When uncontrolled, they can tear relationships apart.

If we try to deny emotions, we eliminate the fuel in our relationships. Without fuel, we get stuck on the side of the road and can’t go anywhere. Many couples have had that experience when a spouse becomes emotionally distant. The spouse tries to appear calm and unruffled on the outside, thinking it’s a sign of strength and self-control. But the relationship is slowing down because it’s running out of fuel. The other spouse says, “I don’t care what you feel—just feel something.”

The same thing happens when we work for someone who keeps a poker face in conversations. They’re unemotional and detached, and it’s hard to communicate with them. The emotion is always there, because bosses aren’t exempt from emotion. But if we can’t tell what they’re feeling, we find it tough to have a real conversation. The fuel is gone.

Ignoring emotions doesn’t make them go away. Anger doesn’t diminish when it’s kept inside; it grows like a fungus in a petri dish. The longer it stays buried, the faster and uglier it grows. We think we’re being cool, calm, and collected, but we’re draining the energy out of our relationships. We’ve punched a hole in our emotional fuel tank and don’t realize that the fuel is leaking out.

The key isn’t eliminating or denying our emotions. The key is learning what to do with them.

Does Logic Trump Emotion?

Have you ever tried to use logic when someone was being emotional? How did that go?

When Diane and I were first married, she would come to me, describe a situation that was upsetting her, and tell me the details. Naturally, I assumed she was looking for a solution. Since I was an objective observer, it was easy for me to suggest a course of action to solve the problem. I would try to help by giving advice. From my perspective, the answer was logical. Just do A and B, and you’ll end up with C.

That didn’t go well. She didn’t need advice; she needed me to listen. (We’ll devote an entire chapter to listening later.) When I listened to her, my action helped her process her emotion. Once the emotion had been dealt with, she was more than ready to have a conversation about possible solutions.

Using logic when someone is emotional just doesn’t work. The problem isn’t the logic; it’s the timing. Logic becomes valuable after we’ve processed the emotion. This doesn’t apply just to negative emotion. Even strong positive emotion makes us deaf to logic.

When I was in college, I spent several years doing wedding photography. I worked for a popular studio in Phoenix and was partnered with a mentor to learn the ropes. I would shadow the main photographer while he worked a wedding, and he would describe what he was doing and why it was important.

One time he said, “Always watch the bride and groom when they’re in the receiving line.” (This was in the day when the entire wedding party would line up, and guests would have to shake hands with everyone in the line on their way to congratulating the bride and groom.) “There will often be some little old lady who breaks into the line, goes up to the bride, and starts giving her advice. She’ll tell her to watch out for her new husband, because she really doesn’t know him yet. She’ll warn the bride that after the honeymoon, he’ll change—and she needs to be ready for it.”

I saw it happen a number of times. Always the bride would be gracious and say, “Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate the advice.” But it was obvious she forgot what was said as soon as the next person in line greeted her. Even if she appreciated the advice, it fell on deaf ears. The bride’s emotion was too high to hear logic. It was positive emotion, but it still got in the way.

A Conversation Matrix

Everybody’s different. We each have a unique blend of temperament, conversational style, background, and pattern of communicating. When we’re having a challenging conversation, we often don’t know what style we’re dealing with. It feels like we’re walking through a zoo when wild animals have escaped. Each one has to be handled differently if we want to survive.

Many books have been written about the different communication styles and temperaments, and they provide valuable information. For our purposes in dealing with tough conversations, we’ll broadly combine two types of people and two types of responses:

  1. Are they extroverts or introverts?
  2. Do they tend to operate from anger or fear?

To learn how to communicate with people, we need to see these four categories in a conversation matrix.

When tough conversations occur and emotions rise, people can feel threatened. Their responses tend to fall into one of two categories: anger or fear.

Anger-based people fight in conflict. Their temperament tends to be more competitive and aggressive, and their natural response is to try to win the argument. They might manipulate the conversation without even realizing it, because their position seems so logical through their eyes. If the other person can’t see their logic, they think, “What’s wrong with you? It’s so obvious!” They gravitate toward anger and forcefulness. Simply stated, they attack the problem (and sometimes the person).

Fear-based people use flight in conflict. They tend to turn away from conflict because they’re afraid where it might lead. They don’t know how to respond in the moment, and they become intimidated. They just want the conflict to be over. If the other person uses logic, it isn’t logical to them because they’re feeling emotion so strongly about the issue or the encounter. Simply stated, they avoid the problem.

The real challenge comes when an anger person is in a tough conversation with a fear person. The anger person is primarily concerned about solving the issue. The fear person is focused on ending the conflict. Both get stuck thinking the other person just doesn’t understand their perspective.

Often, the real issue is a difference in temperament. Some people are more extroverted, while others tend to be more introverted. It’s not about being shy or outgoing; it’s about how we process information.

Extroverts tend to form their thoughts by talking. They’re energized by being around other people and need to engage in conversation to determine what they think about something.

Introverts need time to process their thoughts in order to form them. They usually function well in groups but get their energy by spending time alone. They listen to what others say, then need time by themselves to think through the issues before deciding what they think.

Extroverts tend to think faster, while introverts tend to think deeper. Introverts often feel intimidated by extroverts because they don’t know how to respond in the moment. They think of the perfect response about ten minutes after the conversation is over. Extroverts often think that since introverts don’t answer right away, they don’t have a valid position.

Which one is right? Neither one; they’re just different. One of the keys to emotional control during tough conversations is to understand the other person’s temperament and accept the reality of it. We think, “Why can’t they just be like me?” It’s because they’re not us; they’re them.

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Using our conversation matrix, we can discern the unique conversational style and needs of each person we talk to.

Quadrant 1. This person doesn’t shy away from tough conversations and often will press for resolution. To an introvert, they might be intimidating. To another extrovert, they might be challenging. We call this the quadrant of high energy because there tends to be passion around any topic.

In high energy conversations, it’s important to realize that the thoughts being expressed are probably being shaped in the moment and come out of what the person is feeling. The book of Proverbs says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath” (Prov. 15:1 NASB). To keep a high energy person from monopolizing the direction of the conversation, we need to respond graciously and calmly and not feel rushed to respond. “It’s obvious you have strong feelings about this,” we might say. “I appreciate you sharing them. I want to think through what you’ve said, and I’ll need a little time to process.”

Quadrant 2. This person is quick to share their thoughts and will voice their concerns easily. They’re more focused on the problem than the solution and tend to be worried and pessimistic in their communicating. It can be tough to reason with them because of their great concern. We call this the quadrant of high anxiety because emotion often clouds their logic in the moment.

When conversing with a quadrant 2 person, we need to realize their thoughts are still being formed, so we need to avoid assuming that they have a carefully crafted position. If we respond immediately, we may address the wrong issues, because the apparent issues are based on their thoughts at the moment. The more they talk, the more they might clarify or change their position. To engage a high anxiety person, we need to ask them to describe their concerns and listen without countering anything they say. Taking time to understand and explore their concerns tends to lessen the emotions they’re feeling, because they have a chance to express them. Once that happens, they’ll usually be more open to discussing logic and solutions.

Quadrant 3. People who operate in this quadrant might be hard to read. They have strong emotions but haven’t processed their opinions yet. They don’t want to express half-baked ideas and sound foolish, so they keep them inside during the tough conversation. They might take a passive-aggressive approach to the issue, pretending that everything is okay. That’s why we call this quadrant quiet resentment.

If we can recognize the need for this person to process their thoughts and feelings, we won’t push for an immediate response. That type of approach leads to resentment, because they’re feeling the pressure to give a quick opinion that’s not formed yet. A better response might be, “It seems like you’ve got some strong feelings about this. I really would like to explore your thoughts and hear your perspective sometime. Would you like to think through them for a couple of days and then get back together?” That’s a refreshing option for a quadrant 3 thinker and gives them permission to ponder without dropping into resentment.

Quadrant 4. It might seem like talking to a quadrant 4 person is a conversation with no fuel, because there’s not a lot of energy. They haven’t formed their opinion because they haven’t had time to process, and they tend to focus on everything that could go wrong. It’s easy for them to slip into a type of depression and worry. It’s also easy for them just to give up to avoid conflict, which is why this is called quiet resignation.

In this quadrant, we need to recognize the reality of what’s happening. “I’m guessing there’s a lot more to what you’re thinking than what I’m hearing, correct?” we could say. “I want to make sure I’m not missing anything important that you’re concerned about. Can we talk about this some more in a couple of days?” If we free them up to process without pressure, we make it easier for them to have hope.

Emotion as a Trigger

When relationships get challenging, it’s easy to see emotion as the enemy. Anger or fear seems to get in the way of resolving an issue. But emotions shouldn’t scare us off, because they’re not the problem. Something happened that set off the emotion. We need to figure out what happened and deal with it.

When we see or feel strong emotion, it should become a trigger for us to refocus on the problem that caused it, not a reason to attack the other person. Hurting the other person won’t solve the problem, and it postpones finding a solution. If not dealt with, the emotion can fuel a fire that grows out of control and destroys the relationship. If we let emotion get between us, it drives us apart. We need to separate ourselves from the emotion and face it together.

Everybody Feels

Everything we’ve talked about in this chapter applies to any relationship, whether it’s a marriage, a friendship, a family relationship, or a work relationship.

Our relationship with our spouse goes through the same stages as our relationship with our boss, co-worker, extended family member, or neighbor. They all have similar dynamics and go through the same stages. The longer we’re in those relationships, the easier it is for emotions to escalate.

But emotion is simply fuel. We’re not trying to get rid of the fuel; we’re trying to control the burn. If there’s no emotion in a relationship, whether positive or negative, the relationship probably isn’t worth pursuing.

Practical Steps for Channeling Emotions

Emotions are vital for healthy communication. It’s easier to channel strong emotion than to run a relationship with the tank on empty. How can we take control of the emotional energy when conversations get tough? We need to focus on these steps: