Come on, inner peace—I don’t have all day. . . .
Anonymous
Before television came into our lives, we knew that relationships took time to build and problems took time to solve. There were no shortcuts; we had to talk to each other and work through real issues over time. When a quarrel happened in a family, there were strong emotions and tough conversations. But this was expected. We also understood that healing took time.
But television changed our perspective. Here’s what we learned in those early days of television:
About that same time, we discovered instant oatmeal, instant rice, instant pudding, and instant coffee. Microwaves came along some time later, which we could buy on instant credit. It was an age of convenience. As long as we were willing to pay for it, anything we wanted could happen quickly in this modern society.
As a result, we have become impatient. Now we use our phones to find just about any information we need. When a website takes a second or two to load, we switch to another site. Add the fact that we have more to do than ever before in history, and we have a recipe for disaster. We’re overworked, overstimulated, and overwhelmed. We have a ton of stuff that “needs” to get done, so we utilize our time management skills and best technology to work at top speed.
In most areas of life, that might help us become more effective—but not in relationships. There’s no such thing as an instant deep relationship. Relationships happen in the Crock-Pot, not the microwave.
What Time Management Hurts the Most
I’ve been teaching productivity seminars—time management—for the past twenty-five years. That’s over three thousand classes. Here’s what I’ve learned:
Over the years, I’ve watched people get excited about time management. They learn new tools and techniques for accomplishing tasks and getting more things checked off their to-do lists. Time management actually works; their piles get smaller, and their desks get cleaner.
It feels good to get more done. We feel more productive, which makes us feel more valuable, which makes us feel better about ourselves. That can be addictive. When we see these techniques working, we think, “If I just work a little harder at them, I can become even more productive.” These thoughts begin to filter into other areas of our lives. We develop a mind-set of productivity and look for ways to do everything faster and more efficiently. We sleep less and work more.
While we’re increasing our productivity, there’s a downside to being efficient. In fact, in one area of life, productivity and efficiency can be counterproductive: our communication.
The more efficient we try to be with our important relationships and the more we try to rush through tough issues, the more our relationships suffer and the longer resolution takes. That can be frustrating, because it feels like the other person isn’t cooperating. After all, everything else in life works well by doing it quicker. Why not our conversations?
The thing that makes conversations effective is the opposite of efficiency. Relationships don’t grow when we have quick, planned conversations. Real conversations happen spontaneously on the porch or in the break room, in quiet times, when we’re slogging through life together. Effectiveness means simply being present in another person’s life. Caring is demonstrated through the calendar, not the clock. We can’t rush relationships. And we especially can’t rush tough conversations.
My wife and I just spent the better part of five days with our three grandchildren while their parents took a trip. Normally, we get to see the kids every couple of weeks for a few hours. But this time, they woke up in our house and went to sleep at our house. They were with us 24/7.
In that time, I learned something. When we’re with them for a few hours, we’re catching up with them—hearing about school and their friends, seeing the pictures they’ve drawn, and playing together. We love those times; it’s a chance to touch base again.
When they were with us all the time, we got to hear their hearts. We didn’t have planned conversations in which we asked preplanned questions. We were just being together in the same space for an uninterrupted time.
It’s valuable to ask our kids, spouses, friends, and other people who are important to us what they’re thinking. We learn a lot that way. But it’s also important to spend longer, relaxed time with those important people when we don’t have a formal agenda. When we’re unhurried, conversational nuggets of gold can be found.
A Recipe for Relationships
It’s tough to have uninterrupted, quality time with people when the demands of life suck us dry. Work requires long hours, houses need maintenance, and obligations keep us in constant motion. It’s like trying to relax during a hurricane. If we want to build connections, we have to discern which things add value and which things are simply distractions.
Goethe said, “Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.”1 I love that. This quotation needs to be on our walls, our screen savers, and our dashboards. I think it would make a seriously good tattoo. It doesn’t provide an easy answer, but it reminds us of the need to make good choices, avoiding the distractions that rob our relationships.
Time management tries to fill every moment with productivity. That means we get more done, which sounds like a good thing. But if we fill every available moment trying to get another check mark on our to-do lists, we give away those moments when we can simply be available to the people who matter most to us. Without those moments, we will have a hard time hearing their hearts. Life doesn’t happen on schedule. If we keep our schedules too rigid, we lose our margin. We don’t have room for human moments.
Someone said, “When you die, there will still be things on your to-do list that you didn’t get done. So make sure you do the important things.” Those important things make up the recipe for healthy relationships and healthy conversations, and there are three of them.
The First Ingredient: Time
Most people realize that the most secure way to build wealth is to invest early, making small deposits consistently for a long time. Once we develop that habit, the return on our investment grows exponentially over time.
But we can be tempted to take shortcuts. An opportunity to make a quick fortune captures our attention, and it pulls our focus away from the steady commitment we’ve made. It feels like a sure thing, and nothing can go wrong. It’s a no-brainer.
That’s the problem: we stop using our brain. Our emotions take over, and we go for the quick reward. Sometimes things work out, but usually we take a detour from the path toward real wealth. Impatience short-circuits our progress, and we lose momentum.
It’s tempting to go for quick fixes in tough conversations as well:
Quick fixes are like putting a bandage on a broken arm. There’s no superglue for broken relationships. Building, healing, and maintaining relationships comes from unhurried, genuine conversations.
The Second Ingredient: Intention
There’s no substitute for time in any relationship. But just spending time isn’t enough. I spend hours next to people on airplanes, but there’s no relationship. We also need to be intentional with the other person, truly focused on their uniqueness and their needs.
I can spend hours with you, but our relationship won’t grow if I spend the entire time talking about myself. The only way we’ll build a real connection is if I genuinely want to know you on the inside. I want to look through your eyes and see what you see. I can’t pretend to be interested; it has to be genuine. I have to be intentional.
People think that social media is the perfect way to stay in touch with many friends. There’s some truth to that, because it does keep us on each other’s radar. But it also has its limitations. With social media, I can send notes to ten people in one hour. I feel productive, like I’ve made wise use of my time. But social media also has the feel of a checklist, where I’m trying to see how many people I can touch base with as quickly as possible.
If I spend that same hour with one person at a coffee shop, I won’t get as many check marks. I won’t feel as efficient. But I will have the opportunity to intentionally connect with someone at a deeper level, and the communication will move forward.
There’s a definite place for social media, but it’s not for making deep connections with people and growing relationships. It’s for keeping track of others in a casual way, much like we read the newspaper to get an overview of what’s happening in the world. The return on our investment of time is minimal. Quick conversations are like putting coins in a vending machine. Once we turn the dial, the coins are gone forever (and the gumball lasts only a few minutes).
Intentional time spent face-to-face is like investing in a high-quality financial portfolio. Those small deposits made consistently over time can produce a huge dividend for the future. We build trust and understanding between ourselves and others, and commitment grows. The return on our investment can grow exponentially, providing a solid connection for the future.
The Third Ingredient: Patience
During my college years, I stood in the Sistine Chapel while on a trip to Italy. I remember being amazed at the intensity of the ceiling, awestruck by the realism of the frescoes and the detail. It’s always humbling to stand in the presence of a masterpiece.
I was even more fascinated with the details of Michelangelo’s four-year effort to produce the work of art. Normally, we think of an artist being inspired, almost in a spiritual trance as they transfer that creativity to their canvas. Creating a piece of art doesn’t sound like work; it sounds like soul expression.
Michelangelo didn’t see it that way. He saw himself as a sculptor, not a painter. He was working on marble sculptures for the pope’s tomb when the pope commissioned him to do the painting. He was reluctant but felt he had no choice. So he began the work.
He erected a wooden scaffold at one end of the chapel, attaching timbers to holes near the windows instead of building from the ground up. Most people think of him lying on his back the entire time, which would make sense. But he actually stood on the scaffolding, craning his neck back to work overhead. (Our image of him lying down came from Charlton Heston in the movie The Agony and the Ecstasy years ago.)
His technique involved applying wet plaster in small sections, then coloring those sections as they dried. It didn’t go well at first, because the dampness in the plaster produced mold in the earlier sections. Michelangelo had to scrape it off and start over. When inspiration was lacking, he made up for it with patience.
Michelangelo wanted to stop repeatedly. He even wrote a poem about his misery during the process, describing the pain his body was in and how he wasn’t a true painter. For four years, he did the hard work to produce a masterpiece. In contrast, near the end, he painted the figure of God in the act of creation in a single day.2
Centuries later, millions of people file through the Vatican to experience the majesty of Michelangelo’s work. If he had used a color-by-number template or whipped the ceiling out in a week, no one would notice. But he exercised patience to fight through the tough times, and the results are legendary. Originals require time and patience to produce but have great value. Copies can be mass-produced quickly and casually, and can be bought for pennies at garage sales.
Relationships that have the greatest value can’t be rushed. People have done the hard work to make them happen. When patience runs out in relationships, people run out of quality relationships. Valuable relationships are built on patience and the commitment to keep working on them when things get tough.
When our kids were infants, we spent a lot of time changing their diapers. We’re talking cloth diapers, not disposables. So that meant swishing those messy diapers in the toilet, putting them in a hamper filled with bleach water, and laundering the entire mess on a regular basis.
Years later, in a moment of boredom, I tried to estimate how many times we had changed diapers over those years. I don’t remember the exact number, but it was over ten thousand times for two kids.
That took patience—and commitment. There were times when we would get them all cleaned up, change their diaper, and they would immediately soil it again. It was like the clean diaper was a trigger that would set their little systems in motion. It was frustrating, and tried our patience. We longed for the day when they could take care of business on their own, but we knew it would simply take time.
It’s natural to have patience with babies, because we know they won’t become mature overnight. But with adults, we get impatient when they don’t respond in mature ways immediately. We forget that we’re all in process.
Time, intention, and patience are the ingredients for solid relationships that can weather the storms that inevitably come. Tough conversations are just that: tough. Hanging in there during those tough times is how valuable relationships become priceless.
Making Good Choices
Someone said that good habits are hard to form but easy to break. Bad habits are easy to form but hard to break.
It’s human nature to take the path of least resistance. When faced with two choices, we gravitate toward the easy instead of the hard. If I’m offered a plate of celery or a plate of warm cookies, I’ll take the cookies every time (unless you’re watching).
Someone might say, “Just make the best choice. No one’s forcing you to eat the cookies. Just eat the celery.” But there’s more going on. Celery doesn’t stir up cravings inside of me. Warm cookies smell better than cold celery.
Examples like that break down, because they assume we have only two choices. In real life, we can be creative in the moment. Resisting the cookies might still be a tough choice, but it will be a lot easier if I replace the celery with one of my favorite foods that’s actually healthy.
We have an easier time resisting if we’ve developed healthy habits ahead of time. Individual choices in the moment always involve willpower. Better choices are part of a pattern that has developed over time.
When our most valuable relationships go through challenging times, we have the tendency to pull away. Facing tough conversations feels like facing that plate of celery; we’ll take the easy way out of a tough conversation by withdrawing, accusing, or verbally attacking the other person.
The only way we’ll be able to make healthy choices in conversation is if we understand the value of the relationship. Making little deposits in that relationship over time adds up to a large return on our investment. Over time, there’s a good chance those deposits can influence someone’s behavior.
There’s No Instant Maturity
Every relationship will have its rough spots where conversations become uncomfortable and challenging. Tough times are normal, no matter how healthy a relationship is. Trying to use quick fixes during those times is unproductive, because doing so sabotages the long-term growth.
There have been times when I’ve thought, “I wish I could live my life over again, knowing what I know now. I would have done things differently.”
I can’t go there. Back then, I simply didn’t have the knowledge I have now. It took years of living to get that knowledge. It took time, and I had to get where I am one day at a time.
There are no shortcuts to maturity. There are no shortcuts to healthy relationships. Maturity takes time. Once we accept that reality, we’re free to experience our relationships in the present. Instead of wishing the other person would change now, we make our investments in the moment. Over time, we’ll see the payoff. But the biggest payoff always comes in the future, not the present.
When tough conversations happen, we’d love to handle them perfectly. It’s not going to happen. We need to use the tools we have in the moment instead of wishing for tools that will come as we grow. When that happens, we can be honest in the moment instead of dreaming about the future.
Growth takes time. It’s worth pursuing because of what maturity brings to our relationships and our conversations. But that growth doesn’t happen overnight. It happens as we make small, consistent investments in our relationships.
Starting now.
Practical Steps for Using Time Wisely
Since we can’t make more time, we have to make wise choices about the time we have. Here are some reminders: