Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Mark Twain1
Do you want to get to the end of your life and have people just say, ‘He was nice’?” the speaker asked. “Is that what you want on your tombstone? No!” he continued. “You want to make a difference! You need to be strong and confident! You want to be forceful about making change! You don’t want to just be nice!”
I was probably about ten years old at the time. I don’t remember the setting or who the speaker was. I only remember his words. And I remember thinking, What’s so bad about being nice?
Even at that young age, I had met a lot of forceful, confident people. I admired them, but I wasn’t drawn to them. The people I looked up to the most were nice. I looked forward to being around them. They made me feel safe.
I would watch the forceful people and think, “I wish I could be forceful and confident like them.” It seemed like most people admired those strong personalities and looked down on the quiet ones. I wasn’t one of those forceful personalities and figured that I needed to become that way if I ever wanted to make a difference. But my efforts were futile. I felt like a parakeet trying to turn into a panther.
Is It Enough to Just Be Nice?
Over the years, I’ve thought about the people who have had the greatest impact on my life. Some were forceful, and others were not. I’ve had some tough encounters with people who forcibly put me in my place, and I changed because of it. I usually prefer the gentle approach because it’s more comfortable. It just feels better when people are nice to you. But those strong personalities definitely were appropriate when I needed a course change.
I’ve always assumed that it’s best to be nice whenever possible. But when tough conversations take place and direct challenge is necessary, which is better—nice or tough? Can we be both?
I struggled with that paradox for a long time. I did some research to find out where niceness fits into our lives. I concluded that when it comes to those challenging times in important relationships, nice makes a good default setting. But it doesn’t go far enough.
We need to move from nice to kind. Kindness usually involves being nice but goes much further. Being kind involves a gentle strength that comes from a base of confidence. People who are kind care deeply for others and are willing to do what’s best for them in a way that values them.
Someone said that kind people say tough things in a nice way, while nice people never say anything tough. Nice people don’t help others get better because they’re focused on how they’re perceived. Kind people help others get better because they’re not dependent on them for their own value. Having a foundation of strength allows them to genuinely contribute to the lives of others.
I once asked the pastor of a large congregation, “What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in all your years of ministry?” His answer was immediate: “I had to fire a volunteer.”
As we talked, he described the fine line he had to walk when someone had become a liability but still needed to feel valued and cared about. “Nice” would have overlooked the issue, and it would have gotten worse. “Kind” meant the pastor had to make the tough decision because it was the best choice for both the person and the program.
The Downside to Being Nice
Last year I had surgery for a hernia. After several weeks of recovery, I was still experiencing some severe pain. Concerned, I made an appointment with the surgeon to find out what was happening. He was a very nice man, and I had appreciated his bedside manner during our earlier appointments.
When I questioned him about the consistent pain, I expected a calm, kind response. But instead, he almost shouted, “It hurts? Well, of course it hurts! I knocked you out and cut you with a knife. You think that’s not going to hurt? And you paid me a lot of money to do it!” The slight smile and the twinkle in his eyes let me know he was serious but compassionate. He was still nice, but he was also kind. He didn’t sugarcoat the healing that would have to take place.
The same thing is true in conversation. When we genuinely care about someone, there are times when we need to tell them the truth, even if it causes pain. It’s wrong if we do it to relieve our frustration. But it’s caring to do it because the person needs to recognize the impact their choices are having. It’s the kind approach.
While niceness is a great characteristic to have, there’s a problem when it exists in isolation. Niceness alone usually comes from a place of need, not a place of strength. When we don’t have a strong sense of our own value, we depend on validation from other people. We need people to like us. Our self-worth and happiness depend on how other people feel about us—so we become nice so people will like us.
Nice people tend to avoid conflict. If there’s conflict, people might not agree with us, which means they might be upset with us. We can’t risk that, because our self-esteem is based on people liking us. So we try not to express negative emotions, even if we’re feeling those emotions strongly. If we’re angry or frustrated, we keep smiling. We don’t want to offend anyone, so we keep our emotions stuffed inside.
That’s a problem, because stuffed emotions tend to leak out over time. People might not notice at first. But over time, they start picking up the subtle clues that signal an emotional disconnect. Often, we begin by using uncharacteristic sarcasm in response to others. Sarcasm can be biting but has a certain degree of social acceptability because it’s seen as witty or clever. But then we may turn to more passive-aggressive responses in which there’s a sharp edge to our comments. We look people in the eyes and smile while we’re feeling negative toward them, hiding our real feelings.
In our closest relationships, it’s harder to hide because people know us well. Our words might sound okay, but they sense that our eyes aren’t right, our smile isn’t quite the same, or there’s just something missing.
Imagine a two-liter bottle that’s empty. Each emotion we feel is like a drop of water that we put inside the bottle. We’re irritated—a drop goes in. We’re angry—a drop goes in. We’re frustrated—a drop goes in. Nobody notices the emotions because we’ve tucked them away in the bottle.
When the rough stuff of life happens, it’s like smacking the bottle on the side. Things get shaken up and sloshed around, but the emotions are all inside and nobody notices. They think we just handle rough times well.
We can do that for a long time, and we get really good at keeping the emotions in the bottle. But over time, the bottle starts to fill up. When the level gets near the top and the bottle gets smacked, it’s harder to keep everything inside. A few drops splash out the top, and people think, “What was that? That was different.”
When the bottle is full, it simply can’t hold any more emotions. So when life smacks the bottle, water gushes out the top. We have an emotional outburst because we just can’t keep our emotions in anymore. Everybody gets wet, and there’s a cleanup required in aisle 3. People are surprised at the outburst and wonder why we suddenly changed.
Nice people put a lot of energy into keeping things in the bottle. But this is an inward focus; everything is about making sure our image is protected. It’s a lot easier to keep the drops out of the bottle in the first place.
I remember reading a book as a teenager that said it was bad to be angry. Somehow, that stuck with me. I spent the next few decades telling people that things didn’t ruffle me much and that I was pretty laid-back. I convinced myself that I really didn’t get angry and tried to convince others of the same thing.
Two things happened:
Over time, I realized that bottling up my emotions didn’t make them go away; it pressurized them so that they exploded later on. It took me years to realize that I couldn’t have close relationships or healthy conversations if I was just protecting my image.
Growing Up into Kindness
Many people have grown up trying to be pleasant and nice. But as the years pass, they feel disconnected from others because they haven’t been real with others, which is the foundation for healthy relationships.
Conflict happens in the healthiest relationships. When nice people find themselves in conflict, they tend to shift the focus away from themselves.
All of those strategies keep genuine, healthy communication from taking place. These people are focused on being the nice person, protecting themselves instead of dealing with the real issue. It’s more important for them to be liked than to be genuine. They need to make the transition from niceness to kindness.
Just to be clear: being nice isn’t a bad thing unless it’s the only thing. When the goal of being nice is to treat people with respect, it’s a good thing. When the goal is to manipulate people into seeing us a certain way, it’s a bad thing.
In tough conversations, niceness goes a long way. In tough conversations, niceness is often used to keep the other person from getting upset. That’s okay if we want to keep the conversation civil and respectful. It’s not okay if we keep our emotions bottled up. Emotions fuel our energy to find a solution. No emotion, no solution.
The real power in conversation comes when niceness has grown into kindness. We care deeply enough to tell the tough truth with gentleness and genuine respect.
Social Lubrication
Someone said that kindness is a social lubricant that greases the inner workings of any relationship.
It doesn’t matter if our car is a Volkswagen or a Lamborghini; it needs to have the oil changed on a regular basis. If we ignore regular lubrication, the gears begin to grind and wear. In fact, most mechanics say that the most important thing we can do to extend the life of a car is to change the oil and lubricate the car on a regular basis.
The same thing is true of relationships. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is three weeks old or thirty years old; it needs regular maintenance and lubrication. If we skip the lubrication, the gears begin to grind. Emotions and irritation become consistent companions, tempers flare, and conversations become tense. That’s because we’ve taken the relationship for granted and ignored the routine maintenance. We’re so focused on issues and feelings that we forget about kindness. Over time, we get irritated with the relationship and feel like it’s time to trade it in for a new model.
Maybe it’s just time for a little kindness.
The issues are real. The emotions are real. The conflict is real. But the need for lubrication is real as well. If we ignore it, we short-circuit the connection process. Any movement in the relationship will produce friction, and the best way to deal with friction is with lubrication.
A few months ago, our garage door started making noise when it opened or closed. This wasn’t just a little noise; it was serious squeaking, shrieking, grinding, and rattling. It was an old door with an old electric opener, so I assumed it was finally falling apart. The noise could be heard throughout the house every time we used it, and I was afraid it would collapse on top of our cars.
We started pricing new garage doors and were stunned at how much it would cost to replace our current one. We knew we had to do something, because we knew it was only a matter of time before the door stopped working.
I was talking with a friend about it who asked, “Have you oiled the chain lately?” Well, of course I hadn’t done that. The door had worked well for years without lubrication, so why would it need it now?
(You already know where this is going, right?) I went to Home Depot and purchased a tiny tube of garage door chain lubricant for a couple of dollars and squirted a few drops along the chain. I pushed the button. It was like we had a new garage door. No noise, no rattles, smooth operation. All because of a few drops of lubricant.
The song says, “Try a little kindness.” It’s amazing how far a little kindness goes in a relationship and how simple it is to apply. It’s also amazing how we tend to ignore such a simple solution because it seems so insignificant in contrast to the issues we’re working through.
Kindness is not a cure-all for every relationship problem; it will not eliminate conflicts and solve all our problems. But it will make it possible to deal with those issues in a way that keeps the relationship strong in the process. Kindness is a recurring reminder to the other person that we care about them. It gives the message that we’re committed to them, we value them, and we think they’re worth the effort to tackle tough issues together. It says, “This problem is big, but I think we’re bigger.”
The Mechanics of Kindness
“But what if I’m trying to be kind and the other person isn’t? Doesn’t that set me up to have them walk over me?” Three thoughts apply here.
First, that’s more of a risk with niceness than with kindness. If we’re trying to be nice so the other person will like us, we probably will get run over. We’re coming from a position of weakness rather than strength. We’re more concerned about how they perceive us than about the real issue.
Second, kindness isn’t dependent on how somebody else responds. It’s something we do because it’s part of our character, not a technique to get the other person to be kind in return (though it often softens their approach). Kindness is a choice made by kind people. It’s a strong position that allows us to treat others with respect regardless of the response.
Third, we can’t change other people. We can influence them, but there’s no guarantee they’ll respond in a certain way. We don’t use kindness to manipulate others so they’ll come around. Too often we feel the need to fix others, and we’re frustrated if they don’t change. Relationships become a lot easier when we let go of our expectations of others and focus on what we can do. We can’t control what others choose to do, but we can control what we choose to do.
Sometimes the other person is nice but not kind. They won’t engage in meaningful dialogue or express honest emotions because they want us to feel good about them. What happens then?
We treat them with kindness. We tell the truth, make them feel safe, treat them with respect, and set boundaries. We encourage them to share their thoughts, and we don’t get defensive when they do or try to explain their ideas away. We listen. We recognize that they may have experienced painful things in their past that caused them to adopt these coping strategies (abuse victims are often nice), and we give them space to grow.
Tips for Tough Conversations
In tough conversations, here are some ways to demonstrate kindness:
Everybody is going through something tough. Sometimes it involves us, sometimes it doesn’t. If we’re nice, we won’t irritate them—but we won’t help them either.
Kindness is the strength that builds relationships worth having.