There are only three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.
Anonymous
When people graduate from high school, a long-standing tradition is to take a road trip. Friends get in a car and start driving, with no plans, no destination in mind, and no worries. The trip is symbolic of freedom, something they feel they’ve never had before.
Up until now, they’ve probably lived at home, having to follow rules their parents gave them. They’ve been in school, where they had to follow a rigid schedule and had consequences imposed on them if they didn’t do their assignments on time. After graduation, they have a chance to test their wings. They’ve been itching to grow up, and this is their chance to toss the shackles and be free.
A road trip is usually a memorable experience, especially if done with friends. They experience the thrill of the open road and an open schedule. They see things they’ve never seen and get to decide where to go and what to do without anyone directing them.
Driving without a purpose might work for a road trip. But it doesn’t work in relationships. Adult relationships are about connecting, communicating, and working together on something greater than ourselves. When two people have a common purpose, they have a teamwork that helps each of them grow. Without that mutual purpose, we can sabotage the future of the relationship.
Our Relational GPS
I recently had a conversation with a career pilot for a commercial airline. At least once a week, he makes a transatlantic flight to Paris, France. I asked the question I had always wondered: “That’s a really long flight. What, exactly, do you do in the cockpit for all those hours to make sure you make it to Paris?”
“Really?” he said.
“Yes—in nontechnical terms.”
“Okay,” he responded. “Here’s the simplest way I can describe what we do. First, we take off. Then we aim the plane toward Paris. Then we land.”
“That’s it?” I asked.
“Well, sort of,” he said. “Once we take off, we encounter wind—and it blows us off course. So we have to re-aim for Paris. Then wind comes from a different direction, so we have to aim for Paris again. The wind and other forces are constantly taking us off course. So every few minutes, we have to aim for Paris again. It’s all about aiming for Paris. Every decision we make is based on going to Paris. Otherwise, we might end up somewhere else without knowing how we got there.”
We do the same thing in our cars when we use our GPS. We put in the address of our destination and start driving. From that point on, the GPS tells us where to turn, how far away the next turn is, and when we should arrive. If we turn the wrong way, the GPS recalculates a new route for us to get us back on track to our destination. If we don’t put an address in, a GPS provides a really nice map that shows us exactly where we are.
We often meet people when our paths cross on the same map. We hang out together and might decide to travel together. The relationship might be:
We get to know each other. We discover each other’s likes and dislikes, unique habits (good and bad), and passions. We begin to see each other as we really are. If the relationship continues, we begin to look ahead. A couple asks, “Where is this relationship going?” Business partners ask, “What do we want to accomplish if this business goes forward?” New neighbors discuss, “Should we have both our houses painted and split the cost to save money?”
As relationships mature, they need to have a sense of purpose. For example, we don’t just marry someone because we like them; we see the potential for a rewarding and meaningful life together. To keep the energy in the relationship, we need to know where we’re headed.
We need to decide where Paris is and how we’re going to get there. We need to focus on what’s so special about Paris that it became our destination of choice. We need to put the address in our relationship GPS.
Why a Destination Is Important
A compelling destination gives us a reason to hang in there when conversations get tough. The more compelling the destination, the more power it has to keep us moving forward.
Several years ago, my wife and I were going to Hawaii. It was an award trip from the company I work for, and they would be covering all the expenses: airfare, meals, excursions, and lodging at one of the most elegant resorts on the island of Maui. It was a trip we never would have been able to afford ourselves, and it was going to provide a much-needed break from our crazy schedule of the past few months.
The weekend before the trip, we babysat our grandchildren. We knew they had the sniffles but didn’t realize how potent their little germs were. We almost never get sick; when we do, we just power through it. But this time we were in bed the entire day before the trip, barely able to move. We couldn’t imagine being able to make the trip.
But we also couldn’t imagine missing the trip. When the alarm went off at 4:30 a.m., we felt a little better but had to make a quick decision. We were pretty sure we weren’t contagious because the sickness had every characteristic of a twenty-four-hour flu. We felt miserable, but we figured it would be better to spend a week recovering in Hawaii than at home.
So we made the trip. The excitement of the experience was too good to pass up, and it gave us the ability to fight through the sickness.
That’s what happens in relationships too. When we’re moving together in an exciting direction toward a shared purpose, we have the energy to work through the toughest conversations along the way. We’re not nearly as inclined to give up because we don’t want to miss the outcome.
The toughest part is the middle of the journey. The beginning of any endeavor is exciting, and the culmination is energizing. But when we’re in the middle of the process, plodding along through the mundane daily challenges, we can lose focus. We’re like a marathon runner who hits “the wall” and feels they can’t go on. The feeling of completion and the promise of the victory medal keep them going.
Seeing the “finish line” in a relationship gives us the energy to keep going when the conversations get tough. We work toward solutions and make things happen.
Course Corrections
Ideally, we determine the purpose of a relationship in the early stages of the relationship and then revisit it frequently. At the beginning of the journey, we are filled with excitement. It’s easy to dream when we’re not bogged down by the routines of life.
But it’s not impossible to recalibrate in the middle of the journey, after the relationship has already hit some bumps. When tough conversations seem to be barriers to moving forward, we can hit the pause button and regroup. That’s when we call a time-out from swatting flies to talk about patching the hole in the screen door.
Here’s how this regrouping might look in several relationships.
Marriage. No one stands at the altar on their wedding day thinking, “Well, this won’t last long.” We have great hopes for the future and are committed to meeting the needs of the other person. We’re energized by being together and want to build the relationship.
As time moves forward, life gets in the way. Job pressures increase, kids mysteriously appear and suck our energy away, and we just get tired. The initial excitement of the relationship wears thin, and we don’t focus as much as we did before on meeting the needs of the other person.
Employment. A new job is exciting at the beginning, and we have high hopes for the partnership. The future looks bright, and there’s hope for genuine growth and contribution.
But we find that the promises made by the company initially look different over time. We work to stay committed to the company, but our boss doesn’t seem as committed to us. The newness wears off, and more is expected of us over time. We work longer hours and feel no one appreciates the effort we put in. The only time we get attention is when we do something wrong.
Neighbors. It’s our dream house, and the neighborhood seems perfect. The schools have high ratings, and the kids have plenty of opportunities for sports and music. We meet the neighbors, who seem friendly enough.
But after a few weeks, the kids aren’t connecting as well in school. The teacher turns out to be quite negative in her style, and we find out she barely made it through a probationary period last year after numerous complaints. One of the neighbors starts making subtle comments about the way we maintain our yard, and another one tends to show up at the door unannounced to talk several times a week. The soccer team is packed with demanding parents, and the music teacher won’t respond to requests to discuss our child’s progress.
Professionals. New insurance means a new family doctor. He’s the one assigned to us, and we make appointments for our annual physicals. The first few appointments go well, and he seems to be competent enough.
But when more serious issues arise, we begin to question his skill. He seems to rush through the examinations, then determine a solution quickly. We feel he’s not as thorough as he was in the past and are concerned he’s simply writing prescriptions without a careful diagnosis. We try to ask questions, but he doesn’t listen—and rushes to the next patient.
In all of these situations, we have high expectations when the relationships start well. But over time, the relationships aren’t as fulfilling as they once were. We hit a time in the desert with no oasis in sight. We run dry.
During those desert times, we need to recalibrate the relationship. Having a clear purpose helps us make those midcourse corrections. When things get tough, we can stop and remind each other what our ultimate goal is (which usually is the health of the relationship). Then we evaluate each tough issue in light of the purpose of the relationship. Having a clear purpose becomes a personal constitution by which we can make tough decisions. Without that purpose, there’s no criteria to use in judging our potential choices.
It’s All about People
Benjamin Franklin said, “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.”1 That applies in every area of life, including our relationships. The more important something is, the more important planning becomes. We wouldn’t build a house without a blueprint or pursue a college degree without a personalized schedule. Why wouldn’t we spend time planning the direction of our most important relationships?
In my corporate consulting work, I’ve been teaching people how to manage projects for over two decades. I’ve been to classes on project management, read books, and studied articles. Most of these people use specific, detailed charts and diagrams to manage and fine-tune every detail of a project. Logic would tell us that if we can keep our fingers on all the details found in those charts, the project will succeed.
But most people have found that projects don’t fail because of missing details. Projects fail because of people:
When effective project managers begin a project, they don’t say, “Why bother? The people aren’t going to get along, and their differences will keep us from succeeding. We might as well not start. It’s not worth it.”
Project managers construct a plan. They make sure they have a worthy objective, that the motivation is clearly communicated to team members, and that they put the necessary energy into the people side of things.
Harold Kerzner estimates that a project manager spends 90 percent of their time communicating.2 So the best charts and diagrams are worthless if the communication isn’t dealt with. Most project management classes skim over the people issues that sabotage projects. But that’s exactly where the focus needs to be to ensure that projects are completed successfully.
Flying to Paris involves a flight plan, but it takes into account the reality of the winds that can push the plane off course. A fulfilling relationship can have a solid plan, but we also have to take into account the real-life events that threaten to keep us from achieving our goal—and they’re usually people issues.
The Process of Getting to Paris
How do we stick to the purpose of a relationship? These five steps keep us on track:
Get Clear on the Reason for the Journey
Knowing the purpose of a relationship provides a tool for managing tough conversations. Once the purpose is in place, it’s easier to stop a volatile conversation and say, “Why are we having this conversation?” We’ll be able to see if it’s leading to our destination or if we’re just attacking each other to get rid of our emotions. The emotions might still be there, but having a shared destination encourages people to fight fair as they head in the same direction.
Long-term purpose answers the question, “Where is this relationship headed?” It’s a logical question to ask early in a relationship but a priceless one to ask after thirty years.
A couple wants to landscape the yard of their new home. He wants a pool, and she wants a garden—but there’s not enough room for both. When they explore their motivations, the pool and the garden aren’t the issues. He wants to have friends come over and hang out, while she wants a relaxing environment to escape the everyday pressures of parenting and working, as well as a place for the kids to play. The real issue is that they want a home that will satisfy both of their needs, and that becomes the basis for working together to find a creative solution.
Diane and I have tried to take a weekend away once every year or so to reevaluate our relationship. We look at all the areas of our life such as the physical, spiritual, financial, emotional, etc. We stay at a hotel somewhere near the beach and walk, talk, think, and dream. It’s often hard to make time to do this in our busy schedules, but that focused time provides great rewards.
The first time we went away, I thought we were just going to talk. But Diane had prepared a written agenda. I wasn’t too excited when I saw it, because we obviously had different expectations of what that weekend would look like. So we worked together to revise the agenda to meet both of our needs. We still followed the topics, but we added times for coffee shops, walking, and relaxing together.
During those weekends, we make sure we come up with simple, specific steps to take that are easily manageable. For instance, it’s not effective to say, “I’m going to get in shape this year.” (There are lots of shapes.) It’s more effective to say, “I’m going to walk around the park three times each week and go to the gym twice a week.”
Those weekends have turned out to be one of the most important events in our year. They keep us connected around our common purpose—the health and growth of our relationship.
Plan Backward
One of the effective principles of project management is planning backward. Most people ask, “What should we do first? What should we do next?” A better way is to make sure there’s a firm date for the outcome and then ask, “What’s the last thing that needs to be done in order to reach our goal—and when does it need to happen?” Working backward provides a much more realistic approach to scheduling and allows for realistic planning for dealing with the unexpected.
A good question to ask is, “Where do I want to be a year from now, ten years from now, when I’m in my senior years?” That question can apply to any relationship, whether personal or professional. If we know what we want our relationships to be like in ten years, we can decide where we want to be in five years—then one year. That helps us decide what we should do today and tomorrow to get there.
Schedule Check-in Sessions
One of the best ways to prevent people problems on the journey toward our destination is to have sessions to check in with each other. This isn’t a time for nagging or fault finding; it’s simply a chance to talk about how things went regarding the commitments we made last week and decide what we’ll do in the next week. These short sessions can be scheduled on a Saturday morning or evening and keep issues from escalating or being ignored. When we don’t talk about issues, our relationships can lose momentum.
Act Daily
At the beginning of every day, we should ask ourselves one question: “What one thing will I do today to move our relationship ahead?” It doesn’t have to be big—just important. Tiny steps done consistently over a long period of time lead to huge results.
Having a sense of purpose in a relationship won’t cure every problem. But when conversations get tough, that sense of purpose provides the security and motivation for us to make it to our destination.
We need to decide where Paris is for our most important relationships—and why we want to go there in the first place. The better the destination, the more motivated we’ll be to get there.
To make sure we keep talking when conversations get tough, we need a destination that’s worth going to. A destination provides the momentum for us to get through the hard times. If the destination is worthy enough, the tough conversations are worth the effort.