Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.
Charles Dickens1
Growing up in Arizona, I remember seeing classified ads for used cars. Many times the ad would include the words, “Always in Phoenix.” I didn’t understand why that was important, so I asked my dad.
“It’s because cars don’t last very long in other parts of the country,” he said. “When there’s ice on the road, they spread salt to melt it. When that salty slush gets splashed up under the car, the body rusts. But in Phoenix, there’s no ice—so there’s no salt, so there’s no rust. Cars don’t last as long when they start to rust.”
Now we live in Southern California, so we still don’t have rust on our cars. But if I leave tools outside, they get rusty. At first, the finish begins to fade. Then the rust begins to appear. Once it does, the tools begin to wear out more quickly. I can clean the rust off with steel wool and oil, but I can still see the damage that’s been done. If the rust is left long enough, the metal loses its integrity and breaks.
It’s a lot easier to keep the rust off in the first place. The more valuable the tool is, the more important it is to maintain it.
The Science of Relationships
The Second Law of Thermodynamics says that when left alone, things tend to slow down, not speed up. That means that if we shove a shopping cart across a level parking lot, the cart will slow down and eventually stop (usually when it hits our own car door). The only way the cart will keep moving is if we keep pushing it.
That’s true of relationships as well. A good one doesn’t stay good all by itself. If we neglect it by not investing in it or putting energy into it, it will slow down and come to a stop. Even the best relationships will end if we take them for granted. The more valuable the relationship, the more important it is to take care of it.
This is true of every type of relationship. As we discussed in the previous chapter, we need to prioritize our relationships to fit the time we have available. That’s why we can’t ignore our marriages, our relationships with our kids, or our closest business relationships. If we take a spouse, teenager, or boss for granted, there can be serious consequences. We can’t allow a casual friend or a connection on social media to capture time that deserves to go to one of these important relationships.
Healthy relationships have the strength to handle the hard work of tough conversations. They’re able to handle it because they’ve been well maintained during the easy times.
How to Prevent Rust
Think of our relationships as valuable tools. We don’t buy tools to display them; we buy tools to use them to accomplish something. If maintained, they have the potential to last a long time and make a real difference.
Here are four ways to keep our relationships healthy and rust-free.
Become a Student of the Other Person
When I purchased my current smartphone, I bought a book that went into the details of how to use it. For a long time, I just knew the basics: how to connect to my email, go online, set alarms, send texts, and download apps. I was happy, because I knew the phone would do a lot of really cool things. I even discovered that I could make phone calls on it—an added bonus. Eventually, I became comfortable with the phone. The newness wore off, but I knew how to do the basics.
Sometime later, I picked up the book and began going through it. I would read a couple of pages to learn something new and then would try it out on the phone. I’m still trying to learn one new thing each day. The more I learn about the phone, the more satisfied and excited I am. The more I learn and implement, the more I regain the excitement I had when it was new.
Relationships have the potential to grow exponentially because our lives are a never-ending reservoir of uniqueness. If we make it our goal to explore, study, and learn new things about each other, our excitement can grow toward its potential. We won’t be looking for shiny new relationships because we’ve invested so much in those we have—and there’s so much more to explore and learn.
Don’t Get Used to the Rust
I had a friend who bought a house in Torrance, California, with a railroad track literally outside his back fence. The train would come barreling through about five or six times each night. For the first few months, he barely slept (but realized why the house was so cheap). But within six months, he didn’t even notice it.
He’d have friends over for dinner, and they would ask, “How can you stand it?”
He would reply, “Stand what?”
If we live with the abnormal long enough, it becomes normal.
Every time we purchased a house over the years, we did a walk-through before signing the final paperwork. We saw many things wrong that we were committed to changing: “Those baseboards are so seventies—we need to replace them right away.” “Those hinges are rusty—they have to go.” “The garage door barely works. It could be dangerous, so we need to replace it.”
But after we moved in, we’d have to go back to work, and life would take over. All those things we were so anxious to take care of didn’t seem quite as pressing anymore, and we soon forgot about them. They’re still there. But we’ve gotten used to them. We don’t notice them anymore.
The longer relationships last, the more comfortable we get. Comfort is a great thing, unless we start taking a relationship for granted. We get used to communication patterns that really need some attention, but it’s easier to just slide them into the background. We need to be intentional about those issues, making sure we don’t get used to them.
It can be fun and exciting to use a new tool or appliance. We see the results right away, and we’re pleased with what the tool or gadget enables us to do. But maintenance isn’t fun and exciting. It takes time to clean up a tool after using it, and we don’t see anything significant from our effort. The payoff is big, but we don’t see it immediately.
The same is true in the fire service. Fighting a fire is a high-energy activity with lots of adrenaline. Preventing fires is a low-energy activity that might seem mundane, but it produces huge results over time.
Relationships are exciting when we have those high-energy encounters that keep things moving. Routine or tough conversations aren’t as exciting, but they’re an important part of the maintenance that leads to healthy, long-lasting connections.
It’s energizing to talk when things are going well. It’s draining to talk when they’re not going well. Talking during both times is essential if a relationship is going to endure and mature. Strong relationships come from doing the routine maintenance.
Deal with Rust Quickly
Last week during a routine exam, my dermatologist did a biopsy on a suspicious spot he found on my ear. If it turns out to be cancerous, he’ll be doing surgery. I said, “Am I going to be like one of those guys I’ve seen in your waiting room with half their ear missing because of surgery?”
“No,” he replied. “Not at this stage. But if you waited another seven years before coming to see me, you’d be one of those guys.”
When we identify small things in our relationships that need attention, we need to deal with them quickly so we don’t have to do extensive surgery later.
King Solomon said, “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that are ruining the vineyards, while our vineyards are in blossom” (Song of Sol. 2:15 NASB). The little foxes do damage. If we catch them when they’re little, we won’t have to deal with them when they’re big.
Check for Rust Often
When we’re busy with crazy co-workers, demanding toddlers, needy spouses, nosy neighbors, and a perpetual pile of laundry, we get tired. The pressures of life suck us dry, and we don’t have energy for routine maintenance. If the wheels of a relationship aren’t falling off, we figure we can deal with it later. When that happens, our focus gets distracted from important issues to urgent issues. That’s when it’s time to develop a routine of maintenance so we don’t have to think about it.
Messages come up on my car’s dashboard so I don’t have to think about maintenance all the time. My car automatically reminds me when something needs to be done. We need to have the same reminders in our relationships. We can put coffee, lunch, or dinner on the calendar regularly to check in with each other. We can use a simple “start, stop, continue” agenda to discover issues while they’re small:
Simple, monthly checkups keep things from building up over time. They prevent the heated outbursts that happen when little things are allowed to grow into big things.
A Risky Exercise
I heard someone suggest a challenge for becoming a better partner in any relationship. In a neutral, nonemotional setting, ask the following question: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me as a (husband, wife, friend, boss, sibling, etc.), and what would it take to move me up to a 10?”
That’s a risky exercise, and one that might not be practical in a damaged, low-trust relationship. But this is a chapter about maintenance, not repair. So we’re assuming we have a healthy relationship that we want to keep that way.
If that’s true, we might consider trying this exercise. The key is to listen without explaining or becoming defensive. We’re just looking for honest input, and we won’t get it if we don’t make the situation safe for them to talk. We can ask the question, give them time to think (several days if necessary), thank them for their input, and take time to process. Then we can wait a few days or weeks to respond but only with what we plan to change based on what they said.
This is a great way to show people that we honestly value their perspective.
It’s also a great way to avoid rusty relationships.