How does your relationship measure up? Do you recognize yourself in the cycle of unhealthy relationship? If so, you may feel trapped. Take heart. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by being transparent. Consider the answers to some of the most commonly asked questions by people who may be just like you.
Consider the following stigmas of the abused woman:
Being Alone
Many of us feel that being alone is evidence of not being wanted, loved, or accepted. In reality these feelings stem from our own fear of rejection, lack of value or self-esteem, and the way we have been treated all our life.
Each of us was created with value and significance. Read these words from Ps. 139:
You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors] in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery]. Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them (vv. 13–16, AMP.).
Judy. Speaking as someone who has been married and basically became a clone of my spouse, I was attached or had my value in being with my husband. When it all came tumbling down, it was as if I had been a Siamese twin severed with no identity of my own. It was frightening to be alone, because I had been a puppet with no real mind of my own, and I wasn’t sure I could make it on my own. Yet I did, and I found strengths I didn’t know I had.
Being Single/Divorced
Being single and/or divorced has always carried with it a stigma in the church and in society. Implications are that “I’m less of a person without a mate”; “I must be a bad person because I couldn’t keep my partner happy”; “I probably didn’t try hard enough to make things work.” Remember that these statements may not necessarily be what others are saying but may be something we’re feeling because of what we’ve been taught. In your own mind you have to come to the realization that you did everything humanly possible to make things work. Let go of these thoughts, and stop blaming yourself.
Being Abused
As stated earlier, victimization usually starts in early childhood. Many times abuse comes from within the family of origin; for some women and girls the abuse comes from outside the family. Often abuse can come from both places, putting victims into a double bind. The shame-based family is not a safe place in which the victim can resolve the wounds. Shame-based families do not talk, do not feel, and do not trust, so children do not and cannot receive the validation, nurturing, and understanding that lead to the healing process. The children are cheated out of the knowledge that the trauma or abuse was the responsibility and the sin of the perpetrators, not of their own. Without such freeing knowledge, the children have been set up to be victims for the rest of their lives, always living in self-doubt and assuming lifetime responsibility for the continuing abuse. To overcome this stigma, we need to recognize that there is a source for our feelings, but the reality is that we are still intact with the ability to take control of our lives and direct new paths, by choice. This process requires knowledge, understanding, and a support system.
Being Penniless
As stated in earlier chapters, arrested development manifests itself at a crisis point. The shame of being broke or poor and being at the mercy of a controlling spouse can be paralyzing, and we live in tremendous fear and anxiety. With this dynamic present in our lives, we feel we have lost control of ourselves, there is no way out, we have no options, we are at the mercy of someone else, we’re embarrassed, we feel like a child. With all of this we’re scared, because we used to have financial support, and now we’re on our own. Questions keep coming up such as “How am I going to make it?” “Will I be able to get and keep a job?” “Will I be able to support myself and the children?” We feel not only paralyzed but almost hopeless.
This is the time that you have permission to take control of your life, to be creative and realize that you’re an individual with value. Develop friendships that can give you encouragement and possibly help you develop options. Remember: developing the right friendships can be your first step in overcoming the stigmas.
QUESTIONS FROM ABUSED WOMEN
Will God still love me if I leave my spouse?
Yes! Divorce is not the unpardonable sin. He will always love us for being, not for doing. God hates abuse. Abuse is not of God. Although He hates divorce, He does not hate the person who gets a divorce or is separated. “For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate]” (Mal. 2:16, AMP.).
What does the Bible say about separation and divorce?
In Mal. 2:16 we read that God hates divorce, but He also says He hates the man who covers his wife with violence. Paul wrote in 1 Cor. 7:5, “Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a set time, to devote yourselves to prayer” (NRSV). If there is ever a time to separate with an agreement and ever a time for prayer, it’s in a domestic violence situation.
Life Skills has developed a structured separation flow chart that we have used successfully for years. It contains directives for each spouse and a time frame to give each space for growth, maturing, and the resolution of individual issues and conflicts. The agreement is then signed and the directives put into place.
The Bible tells us not to divorce except in the case of adultery. Let us look at what adultery really is. Rom. 2:22 says, “You who say not to commit adultery, do you commit adultery [are you unchaste in action or in thought]?” (AMP.). Adultery can be physical, emotional, or fantasy in the theater of the mind. Jesus said, “Everyone who so much as looks upon a woman with evil desire for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:28, AMP). Many times the Church looks at the physical as the only way to commit adultery. When you give more affection to someone else than you do your spouse, or a friendship with the opposite sex is better than with your spouse, then you have put yourself into a dangerous situation that can lead to an emotional affair. Then in time it can and may lead to a physical affair.
Physical affairs start with a fantasy. The mind can visualize and animate a still picture or a visual fantasy. Thus, it can carry on a sordid animated thought pattern with supposedly no consequences. Fantasy is the act of putting a face to the pornography in your mind from the things you’ve seen, experienced, or desired. After five to seven times of fantasizing about a situation or a person, the mind starts to believe it as reality. This is especially dangerous when the person has used the fantasy for self-gratification. The mind sees the animated picture, and the physical body responds. The message to the mind is “This is an actual relationship” and the reactive behavior is to let down the barrier in reality and pursue what the mind perceives as an “already done deal.”
What does God think about abuse?
God hates abuse. Exod. 22:22 says, “Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan.” Jesus said in Luke 4:18, “He has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed.” Again, Mal. 2:16 says clearly, “For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence” (AMP.). Ps. 72:14 reads, “He will redeem their lives from oppression and fraud and violence, and precious and costly shall their blood be in His sight” (AMP.).
What does submission have to do with all of this?
Many times in the Church world submission is held over the heads of women by men who are emotionally manipulative or abusive in order to get their way and maintain power and control. Scriptural submission is just as great for the husband as it is for the wife.
Eph. 5:25-28 reminds us that as Christ died for the Church, a man should give his life for his wife. A childish, abusive man will spiritually abuse his wife by telling her that she has to be subjected to her husband in everything. He does not realize that a husband’s mandate is to literally be willing to sacrifice his life for her. Which is the greater submission? The greater submission is for the man. 1 Pet. 3:5-6 in essence says that the wife should not be terrified, fearful, or full of anxiety in a godly home. The passage as a whole speaks to the man with a mandate of creating a very safe place where she is not terrified or living in fear and anxiety. Let us look at the rest of the mandate.
1 Pet. 3:7-9 goes on to give the pattern for husbandry when it states that a husband should live as follows: considerately, intelligently recognizing the marriage relationship, honoring the woman as physically weaker, recognizing the equality (joint heirs of grace), one in the same mind (united in spirit), sympathizing with his wife, loving his wife, compassionately, courteously, tenderheartedly, humble-mindedly, never returning evil for evil, never returning insult for insult, never scolding, never given to tongue-lashing, never berating, always blessing, praying for his wife’s welfare and happiness, praying for his wife’s protection, truly pitying (empathizing), truly loving.
If a husband will follow this pattern, the family will be blessed as a unit. If a man rebels against these principles, his prayers will be hindered and cut off, and he will not be able to pray effectively (1 Pet. 3:7).
From this research in God’s Word, it is the author’s conclusion that the only prayer that God hears from a man who abuses his wife and family is the prayer of repentance. All other requests are hindered or denied because of God’s hatred of violence.
What should I expect of my friends, my pastor, my counselor?
It is a sad state of affairs in the church that when a woman has been abused, it seems that the congregation, her friends, and her clergy shy away from dealing with the situation. Friends don’t know what to say and are afraid to hear what the victim is really saying, so she feels forsaken by those she should be able to lean on the most.
Let’s describe what a true friend is before we go on. This is a person to whom you can tell your confidential information without the fear of betrayal unless it is life-threatening. This is called trust.
How can you as a friend help an abused woman?
• Listen and believe. Be ready to listen to what she has to say and for as long as it takes her to say it.
• Demonstrate genuine concern. The victim needs to know you care about her as an individual and that you are truly her friend.
• Be trustworthy and calm. The victim needs to know she can open up to you and that it is safe to do so.
• Be patient. Do not expect her to move quickly through the process of change. If she is in immediate danger, you may want to invite her and her children to stay in your home for a night or two until you or someone can help her find another safe place.
• Educate yourself. Know the available services in your area and the procedures to follow in calling law enforcement or an agency. Get acquainted with the shelters and services for battered women in your area.
• Encourage the victim. Help her to understand that she does have choices, and allow her to make her own choices. Be careful not to encourage her to stay in an abusive situation. This can be life threatening. Remind her that she isn’t crazy.
• Help her to realize that she’s not responsible for her husband’s violent behavior.
• Remind her that God does not want her to suffer abuse. He wants her to be treated with love and respect.
• Help her to see herself as capable and lovable.
• Be alert to signs of abuse. These could include long sleeves in the summer, sunglasses indoors, withdrawal from social occasions, as well as unexplained or feeble excuses for her injuries.
• Reassure the children and help where you can in meeting their needs.
• Pray with her and for her.
What not to do
• Do not tell her to stay in the violent home.
• Do not lose patience, be judgmental, or give advice.
• Do not tell her she’s insane for staying in a situation.
• Do not tell her that you wouldn’t put up with such treatment.
• Do not try to talk to her husband or confront him yourself.
• Do not try to intervene in a violent episode; instead call the police.
Many pastors are afraid to look at or get involved with the situation, because “this does not happen in my church.” During one of our trainings at Life Skills, one of the pastors in the group stood up and stated emphatically that he had been a pastor for 23 years in various cities and had never had to deal one time with emotional or physical abuse. His consensus was that we were making a mountain out of a molehill, exaggerating the problem, making something out of nothing. Emotional and physical abuse does not exist in the Body of Christ, he said. Needless to say, this seems to be the mindset of many churches and denominations. Statistics tell us that abuse within the church is as great, if not greater, than that in the secular world. Thus, there is often no safe place, even in the church, for an abused woman to find help or hope.
Judy. I am reminded of my own experience when I was abused for so long, then separated and divorced. I turned to the church for friendship and for someone to listen but found no one—including the pastor, who had no time for me. I got a quick prayer and a pat on the hand from another pastor, as if I had a contagious disease and he was afraid he would contract it. Another pastor just couldn’t find time in his schedule to talk to me. I have discovered that they’re afraid of the single or abused woman, so therefore they shun them all. They refuse to believe that the husband could be as she describes—after all, he may be a member of the choir, a church leader, a Sunday School teacher, or even a close friend. We have even seen pastors who have issues of abuse. This book will cover more of what to expect from a pastor later.
Many counselors do not have the background or knowledge to understand the dynamics of domestic violence. When looking for a counselor, ask questions such as “Do you have any experience in working with family violence?” Check his or her background and training. Don’t be afraid to ask the counselor specific questions: “Do you do couple counseling with violent families?” If the answer is yes, he or she is not qualified to deal with the issues of victimization. The number-one rule in working with violent families is individual counseling.
My husband hasn’t hit me, and yet I know something’s wrong. Could I be abused?
There are 20 areas of abuse, and only one is physical (see Figure 1, chapter 2). If you live in fear or feel unsafe, something is definitely wrong. There is the possibility of emotional abuse of some kind. Be safe—develop a safety plan.
How can I persuade my husband to get help?
You can’t. Get help for yourself. As you develop your personality, develop your individuality, set goals and boundaries, and in essence get a life, he’ll start feeling left out and will start reacting as he loses control. If there is physical abuse in the home, then consequences are the only thing the partner will understand. This may mean a structured separation under the supervision of a trained counselor. Most of the time the abuser is motivated by loss and the fear of abandonment.
Should we consider counseling as a couple?
Definitely not! The abuser has a dual personality that he has perfected over the years to hide the dark side. To the outside world he looks good and knows the right words. He has developed a survival technique and can con a counselor or pastor who is not aware of the dynamics.
The typical scenario of couples counseling in which the spouse is abusive looks like this: They go to the first session and try to get acquainted. He is outgoing, somewhat talkative or maybe too talkative, blaming and explaining her problems. He may even hide behind religious terminology and scripture. If the counselor asks her if there is any emotional, sexual, or physical abuse, she will not be able to disclose the truth in front of the spouse, fearing what will happen when they leave the session. Thus, her trust has been betrayed and the counselor has lost all credibility in her mind. She shuts down and loses hope. After two or three sessions, the counselor generally focuses on her problems, her depression, and very possibly her need for medication. Many times the husband convinces the counselor that he doesn’t need further counseling. One more time he has manipulated her to believe she’s crazy.
At Life Skills, the procedure is to counsel the woman in a safe place without her spouse present. You’ll need to build trust so that she’ll know she will not be betrayed and that she’ll be believed. She may tell the story over and over again because nobody has ever listened to her. This gives the counselor the insight to the abuse that the spouse is perpetrating. The counselor then counsels the spouse individually. Having the knowledge of the dynamics in the home, the counselor is able to direct the questioning of the spouse for accountability and responsibility. If there is emotional and physical abuse, Life Skills recommends nine months to one year of individual counseling before bringing the couple together.
My husband hit me once. Will it happen again?
Most likely if he has hit once, he will hit again. The longer we are in relationships without resolving our conflicts, the more we escalate in our anger and our need to control. It is like being on an addictive drug, always needing more. It may start out as verbal, then hitting walls or tables, which creates fear. Finally tables, walls, and screaming are not enough. You never really know when he will choose you as the next object of his anger and abuse.
We have seen couples who have had verbal and emotional abuse in their relationship for 25 to 30 years, and then the abuse becomes physical. Many at that point come for help when they should have come years before to deal with the core issues that lead to the physical incident.
My husband says if I hadn’t provoked him, he wouldn’t have lost control. Is this true?
This is not true. No behavior of any woman justifies or provokes violence. No woman ever deserves to be hit, shoved, kicked, or physically hurt in any way. A woman does not provoke her husband. She should have the right of expression, the right to express feelings and opinions. She has the right to express anxieties, fears, and thoughts. She has the right to be involved in the decision-making process in their relationship. She has a right to ask questions and get a civil response. She has a right to disagree and to resolve conflicts without his seeing her as the enemy. She has the right to feel safe in her home. Here is the problem—a controlling man has no ability to recognize that she is a partner and that they are to be a team. He sees her as a possession instead of an individual of value, thus becoming a threat to his pattern of control. He sees all of her rights as a person as provocation and defiance of his authority. He is responsible for his reactive behavior. He should be in control of his anger, which may mean taking a “time out” or seeking counseling.
Why do I feel like a child in this relationship?
The man who is controlling in a relationship takes on the power not only of the husband but also of the father. She is a possession to him, and he feels he has the right to mold her, guide her, clone her for his selfish wants, and then feels he has a right to punish her for rebelling or not complying to his demands. A true healthy relationship approaches every issue on an adult-to-adult level—communication, conflict resolution, personal growth, maturity, and bonding. In the unhealthy relationship, one takes the power of a parent and pushes the partner into a child mode. To heal, the one who feels like a child needs a support system to help understand how to move to the adult level and to develop individuality and identity. This is a process that takes time. Be patient with yourself.
I feel as if everything that goes wrong is my fault.
Men who are controlling have never developed their core personalities nor their identities. They live in a shame base, which says, “I am my behavior.” In their minds, to question their behavior is to question them as persons. This creates a childish type of adult who can never be wrong. They learn at a very early age to blame someone, a circumstance, or a situation so that they do not have to be accountable or responsible for their reactions, decisions, or behavior. By the time such a man is in a relationship, he has perfected his survival techniques to the point that it is always the fault of the spouse, the children, the boss, the pastor, and so on. If something is successful, he grabs the glory; if it goes wrong, it’s somebody else’s fault. This is a person who is also opinionated and will fight to convince others that his opinion is right.
Why was he so wonderful when we dated?
The old saying “She dated the man and married the boy” holds true. A man who is controlling has developed a dual personality, one for the outside world, which is not consistent or stable, and one that he reverts back to behind closed doors. This is called a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. Until he is sure of the commitment or affection, he exhibits only the caring, outgoing, kind, generous, mannerly, nice guy. This is part of his conquest. The change comes when he is able to have sex and possess her or he marries her, creating ownership. He has conquered the prize and now, because of the physical intimacy that he has achieved, he lowers the barriers and starts his control methods to show who is king of the castle. Now she sees the other side, because he cannot maintain the mask of a good side 24 hours a day.
Do I have to stay with him for the sake of the children?
The safety of a child is that Dad loves Mom, and Mom loves Dad. This creates a safe, supportive, nurturing environment in which to grow up. We have seen over the years as we have talked with children and watched their behavior that they display the dysfunctions of the home. A son who grows up seeing violence or abuse in the home will more likely than not become an abuser and perpetrate this into the next generation. A girl who grows up in this type of dysfunction will become a victim just like her mother most of the time.
Judy. I was a victim myself, but after the divorce the kids got angry with me. I later came to find out that they were angrier with me than with Paul because they couldn’t understand why I hadn’t left years earlier and why I allowed him to treat us so badly. Their home was never safe. To this day they still struggle with the anxiety created in those years by the uncertainty of when he would get angry again and what he might do the next time.
Should I give him another chance?
When there has been an abusive incident, there needs to be a consequence. As with a child who acts out, wrong behavior needs to be followed by a consequence. Men who are abusive generally were raised in homes in which there were threats, warnings, and possible abuse, but not a direct consequence for their behavior. They learn to talk themselves out of situations and learn to blame others, situations, or circumstances. We believe that a man can change, but it takes time and a third-party intervention. He cannot do it alone. He will promise anything, even church counseling, but has no capability without learning, knowledge, discipline, accountability, and responsibility. These things are learned; they do not come naturally. The victim has been hurt, trust has been broken, and most of the time hope has been lost. Only after he has received help and has proven his change over a period of time—which may include some testing on your part due to the lack of trust—should you even begin any process toward reconciliation. Remember that old saying “Actions speak louder than words.” We all need to know that the change is for real this time instead of the words mouthed. Anyone can promise anything. Reconciliation is a process and takes time. It took time to get into this situation, and it’s going to take time to change it.
I’ve been told I need to set boundaries. What does that mean? How do I set a boundary?
The victim in this type of situation has generally come from a home where there were no boundaries. To tell someone to set boundaries creates fear. To learn to do so takes a support system to help understand the dynamics of the dysfunctional home and to help us see what normal is. This is part of the process of growing up, learning conflict resolution, communications, anger management, and developing identity.
By understanding what normal is and developing an identity, I then identify my victimization and learn to say no. A boundary says, “I will not allow you to do that to me again; there will be a consequence.” Establish what the consequence will be, and then hold your ground. The consequence may be calling the police, a structured separation, intense counseling, and so on.
One couple we worked with told us their story concerning consequences. The day they married she warned him that if he ever hit her he should never go to sleep, because she would get even. Three weeks later he hit her. She waited over two weeks and didn’t respond. He thought she had forgotten all about it. He was taking a nap, sound asleep and only in his underwear, when she came into the room and saw him asleep. She went to the garage, picked up a four-foot-long board, went back to the bedroom, and whacked him with all her strength across the back of his thighs. He jumped up yelling and screaming. Her response was that there would be no second chance. “Don’t you ever hit me again,” she said. He got the message, and for 25 years they lived with no physical violence, yet sad to say, a lot of emotional abuse went on in those 25 years. The moral of the story? Set boundaries.
QUESTIONS FROM THE MAN WHO ABUSES
Why am I out of control?
As you studied in an earlier chapter, if you were wounded before the age of accountability and your developmental process has been frozen, you are locked into the age of directives and become very dependent, making you unable to make decisions. You can make decisions for other people and control their lives, but decisions for your life are made by indecision, circumstances, situations, and other people. You have no control of your life, so you try to manipulate and control circumstances, situations, and other people. This produces a life of chaos.
I hate what I do, so why do I do it?
When you are wounded in early childhood, you never reach the age of decision emotionally. Many times you know what you should do, but you are driven by your irrational belief systems and survival methods to maintain control. You end up doing what you hate because you are driven by your wounds and unresolved conflicts. You end up acting like an undisciplined child, doing what you want to do instead of doing what you know you should do. Although you know right from wrong, you still live an undisciplined life.
I only restrain her. Is that physical abuse?
Yes. Earlier in this book we looked at the various areas of abuse, and restraining is one of the areas considered as physical abuse and is against the law. Many times when a man is restraining his partner he has escalated in his anger and does not sense his own strength. We have seen cases in which women have been restrained, and on the inside of their upper arms are fingerprint-size bruises left by his “just restraining” her so she couldn’t hit him back.
My home is my “castle.” Why can’t she just do as I say?
This is medieval thinking. The Scriptures have always told us that we are one as we come together in a marriage relationship. The marriage contract creates a new entity called “we.” A true marriage relationship is a partnership and a team effort. Her input and opinion to any given situation should be valued and encouraged, because she adds a different perspective, which creates a broader view toward making decisions and seeing the reality of the situation (Eph. 5:28-30).
Sometimes I love her; sometimes I hate her. Why?
If your wounds of childhood have stopped your developmental process, you have never developed your core or real personality and character. You then develop a pseudopersonality that is not a true identity. This personality consists of the expectations of important people in your life from whom you fear rejection. The pseudopersonality then becomes very changeable, depending on who you’re with and where you are. “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways” (James 1:8, KJV). This is the foundation of the Jekyll-and-Hyde personality that we referred to earlier. Our love-hate relationships with parents, siblings, spouse, children, and friends are based on the lack of core personality development, maturity, and character. As you grow and mature, you then become single-minded, putting away childish things and childish thinking (1 Cor. 13:11). You then are in control of your decisions and your own life. Love is a choice based on maturity and commitment.
If she would get help, we would be OK—wouldn’t we?
Again this question goes back to developmental fixation. If you are stuck in the age of directives, the stage where parents fix everything, then you are always looking for a mommy to make it right for you because you cannot resolve your own conflicts. You grow chronologically, marry, and many times you make a mommy out of your spouse. When you are in crisis, you try to get her to fix it, or in essence if she’ll get help, then everything will be OK. This becomes your way of escaping your own responsibilities and blame-shifting the responsibility to her. This never resolves the core problem because this is an individual issue, not a marriage issue. You are the one to get help through counseling.
Why doesn’t she love me the way I think she should?
Most men see their role of love in a marriage relationship as performance or sex. Performance, to a man, means, “I pay the rent, I buy the groceries, I furnish the house,” and so on. Sex means, “She takes care of my physical needs, cleans the house, takes care of the kids in return for my performance.” This is not necessarily a man’s conscious thought process but more of a subtle assumption driven by society, learned behavior, and wounds of childhood. No one has ever taught us what “real” love, intimacy, and bonding are. The Scriptures tell us that we should learn these things from the elders. But in our society the family has been so wounded and torn apart that we grow up trying to reinvent what we think is love.
Why doesn’t she want to make love anymore?
There are distinct emotional differences between male and female. Sexuality to the male is a physical event. It can be focused on and played out in a very short time. A man can detach from conflict, outside distractions, commitments, communication, and so on and have sex for the sake of sex or self-gratification. To a woman, sex is part of her whole life, her very being. In her mind it is a much bigger picture. This picture includes trust, commitment, bonding, intimacy, responsibility, accountability, communication, promises kept, respect, tenderness, and concern for her and the children. When a man abuses his spouse, he gives her the message that she is good for only one thing—sex. When she gets this message, she shuts down sexually, and then he has to start the wooing process all over again.
Her sexual response in a marriage begins in the dating stage by developing an intimate, nonsexual friendship, which develops a foundation of trust. As the courting process continues, he develops his nonsexual intimacy, that is, getting to know her, hearing about her childhood experiences, getting to know about her family background. He gives her respect, and love builds, creating a validation that lets her know that she is loved for who she is, not for what she does. A nonsexual courtship to the marriage altar establishes her honor and validates her identity. At Life Skills we have an exercise for married couples that involves beginning a nonsexual dating process to reestablish the wife’s honor and value.
Shouldn’t she be the one to leave?
This ties in to the “king of the castle” question we covered earlier. In the last 25 years of the domestic violence movement it has usually been the woman who has had to leave the home. Again, this is medieval thinking. The man who controls the family also controls the finances and then expects the woman to leave and make it on her own. He has abused, intimidated, controlled, and hurt her, yet she has to take the children, disrupt their lives, and flee from the home to a shelter. She then experiences very little privacy and very little, if any, financial benefits. Generally she is in the shelter for one to three weeks and returns to a home where every dish has been used, the trash is piled up, the laundry has not been done, and he is angry, demanding that she perform her duties around the house, including having sex. We feel that since the man has more access to resources and that the children are the other innocent victims, he should be the one to leave the home and leave the wife and children in their familiar surroundings and continue financial support.
If she is going to act like a child, shouldn’t I treat her like one?
A marriage consists of two adults who may be wounded and many times have a tendency to respond childishly. That does not give the spouse the right to move to the parent role and punish or treat the partner like a child. If one is hurting, the other should support and encourage during that time. If this happens often, then counseling should be considered. The mind recognizes actions more than verbalization. If a man treats his wife like a child, her sexual drive for him will diminish very quickly. Our minds are programmed not to have sex with a parent. A husband acts like a rigid disciplinarian parent, and she shuts down. Again, actions speak louder than words.
After all I have done for her, how can she do this to me?
Too many marriages are based on “I’ll do for you if you do for me.” This is self-centered, childish thinking. A child is motivated only by reward or “what’s in it for me.” An adult is supposed to see the greater picture, which is the long-term bonding process, which builds relationships and intimacy. Abuse shatters this bond. Unconditional love is giving of yourself, expecting nothing in return (1 Cor. 13).
Why does she always act like my mother?
The model the parents exhibit in front of their children sets the expectation of the children for their own marriages. Whether we like it or not, men have the tendency to marry women like their moms. They may have had ambivalent (love-hate) relationship with their mothers, but they learned to cope. They then date, and many times think they’ve chosen dating partners not like their mothers. They may think they have picked someone completely the opposite of their parent, but there are underlying familiarities they are not aware of. Subconsciously it is familiar territory, making it easier to cope. We do have an ability to cope with what is familiar to us, because it’s comfortable and doesn’t require new thinking. If we are arrested in development, we will subconsciously put our spouse in a mothering role, including calling her “Mother,” to take care of us, then resent the fact that she is doing what we have forced her to do.
I didn’t hurt her that badly. Why is she overreacting? I said I’m sorry—isn’t that good enough?
Many times an abusive spouse feels his wife is overreacting because he doesn’t want to be accountable for his responses and his behaviors. Very seldom when a man has created the wound does he want to listen to her, take responsibility, and live with the consequences of his behavior. A woman generally does not overreact to the first offense. In the beginning the man will say he is sorry, and she wants to believe him. As time goes on and the events continue to escalate, the “I’m sorry” comes to mean nothing. After some time he uses “I’m sorry” as a manipulative tool to keep her off his back. “I’m sorry” begins to mean “I said I’m sorry—what do you want me to do, bleed for you, lie down and die, or what? You’re supposed to forgive me and go on with life. After all, doesn’t it say in the Bible to forgive and forget?” This is nothing more than spiritual abuse and an excuse to avoid responsibility and consequences for his actions. The consequences that he wants to avoid are her feelings and the resolution of the issue at hand. He now has shifted the responsibility of his actions over to her for not forgiving and not responding. Many times after a cycle of violence, escalation, abuse, and the honeymoon stage, he wants sex and wants it immediately. This is not love or restoration; it’s only conquest and another form of abuse. He knows that to abuse is to break the marriage covenant (Eph. 5:28-30). Family violence is breaking the law. It is a crime.
I’m afraid I might hurt her really badly. Could I?
Anytime we do not deal with our anger and emotions we have the potential to lash out emotionally and physically. Much of our anger and rage goes back to childhood, and those issues that have never been resolved keep festering. As we grow older, we stack on top of that festering wound new unresolved issues. After awhile, anger becomes our second nature. We trigger easily, react without thinking, and set a course toward destruction. This is the foundation for lashing out and badly hurting the ones we love. Songs have been written about this syndrome, stressing the observation that we hurt only those we love. To even think of this question of possibly hurting one’s wife means we need help. Let’s take the first step.
This was a personal problem. Why did she call the police?
She was afraid. She wonders if this will be the time when she may be permanently injured or killed. A living being—man, woman, or child—was never created to be abused. The Bible is very clear on the issue of violence (see Ps. 55). Domestic violence is a crime. When a person has been abused, a crime has been committed, and intervention is a proper procedure. Too many “personal problems” cost the lives of women who guarded the secret. Abuse deserves a consequence. Most men who are abusive do not acknowledge that they are responsible for their behavior.
Why can’t she keep her mouth shut?
This is a protection of the abuser’s dual personality. He thinks he has everyone else conned, that nobody else suspects that he could do such a thing. If she tells, it may ruin his reputation, job, ministry, social standing, friendships, relationship to his parents, and so on. Many times the victim will share with a friend what is happening, and the friend will not believe her because he or she has never seen that side of the abuser’s personality. She begins to isolate herself and thinks something’s wrong with her. The abuse continues until she can’t take it anymore, so she takes a chance and speaks out; the abuser then feels betrayed. She should have asked for help earlier. She has no obligation to keep the secret any longer and keep the abuse going.
WHAT CAN MY CHURCH DO?
1. Be prepared to get involved.
Plan ahead. Do not get caught off guard. If the church is really committed to ministering to families, it must be prepared to provide the structural support. Consult with the professionals in your area to find out how to implement intervention with an abuser and how to provide protection for a victim and her children. Contact your local shelter.
2. Maintain follow-through.
Be persistent. It is easy to get discouraged when working with family violence. Progress is usually slow. Many times the abuser is in denial and does not want to change. Many times the victim is paralyzed by great fear. Expect the unexpected. Even setbacks can happen. Be faithful. It can be emotionally and physically draining, so don’t allow just a few people to carry the load. An extensive prayer ministry is a must to support this outreach.
3. Establish a referral network for helping both the victim and the abuser.
A referral network should include housing, food, clothing, protective services, professional counseling, the criminal justice system, and employment referral services. Get acquainted, and use reputable agencies. The church should be a focal point for coordinating the network, but it should not be expected to do it all alone.
4. Hold the abuser accountable.
The church is responsible to show truth and mercy. If there has been a separation due to physical violence, regular accountability must be maintained. If charges have been filed and the male partner is in jail, he should not be abandoned. Indeed, he needs to know that what he has done is a crime and that God hates family violence. This is where the church can take a stand against spousal or partner abuse yet offer support with structure and accountability. This gives hope of healing for the abuser. Remember: he needs specialized counseling. Make this a part of your networking.
QUESTIONS FROM PASTORS AND COUNSELORS
What are the classic signs of an abusive man?
Lenore Walker in her book The Battered Woman has researched the common characteristics of a batterer. The abusive man exhibits many of the following characteristics:
1. Has low self-esteem.
2. Believes all the myths about battering relationships.
3. Is a traditionalist, believing in male supremacy.
4. Blames others for his actions.
5. Exhibits exaggerated jealousy. In order for him to feel secure, he must become overly involved in the woman’s life. He is suspicious of her relationships with others.
6. Presents a dual personality.
7. Has severe stress reactions during which he uses drinking and wife-beating to cope.
8. Frequently uses sex as an aggressive act.
9. Does not believe his violent behavior should have negative consequences. Typically denies the problems; becomes enraged if woman reveals the true situation. Element of overkill/overdoing.
10. Batterers generally come from violent homes, or where a general lack of respect for women and children is evident. Relationships with mothers were often ambivalent [love/hate].
11. Personality distortion is frequent. Social loner or involved only superficially. Extremely sensitive to differences in others’ behavior.
12. Is found in all socioeconomic levels, all educational, racial, and age-groups.
13. Exhibits poor impulse control, explosive temper, and limited tolerance of frustration.
14. Has insatiable ego needs [a quality of childlike narcissism not generally detectable to people outside family group].
15. Exhibits qualities that suggest great potential for change and improvement, that is, frequent “promises” for the future.
16. Believes he has poor social skills; describes relationship with his mate as the closest he has ever known; remains in contact with family.1
Some questions to ask about someone you suspect may be an abuser:
1. Did he grow up in a violent family?
2. Does he tend to use force or violence to “solve” his problems?
3. Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs?
4. Does he think poorly of himself?
5. Does he have strong traditional ideas about what a man should be and what a woman’s role should be?
6. Is he jealous of other men in her life, of her girlfriends, her family, or her job?
7. Does he “keep tabs” on her?
8. Does he want to know where she is at all times?
Why can’t I do couples counseling?
The victim and the abuser should always be counseled separately to deal with individual issues that were existing before either came together. Research has shown that over 90 percent of the issues a couple needs to deal with are rooted before the age of puberty. In couples counseling the victim does not have the freedom to talk about the abuse in the relationship. This also places the victim at risk for retaliation in the form of severe abuse, which creates a lethal factor. Counselors need to be aware that the abuser will virtually always deny the abuse. Out of shame and fear, the battered woman will be reluctant to talk about the violence. Remember: safety first, counseling second.
Whom do I believe?
The structure of counseling for the abusive family is to bring the woman in separately and interview her before interviewing the husband. As stated before, if a woman feels she is safe with her counselor and is sure she won’t be betrayed, she will be truthful about the abuse within the family unit. Over 80 percent of women who reach out for help for the first time go to clergy or a Christian counselor. Many times the abused woman has tried to share her pain and has not been believed, so she goes back into isolation and feels there is no hope. Listen carefully; let her express herself, and believe her.
When do I need to separate them?
Ask if there is physical violence. “Does he hit you?” “Are you in danger?” “How does he express his temper?” Always try to separate them if you find that there is physical violence. Many times the emotional abuse is so great that there needs to be a separation, but this has to be dealt with case by case. Very seldom will the court systems recognize or prosecute emotional abuse charges, as they are hard to prove. Bruises can be photographed, but emotional abuse cannot be seen with the eye. To a trained counselor the body language displays the emotional abuse. Emotional abuse hurts worse and can last a lifetime. Life Skills has developed a structured separation flow chart that gives the counselor and the clients direction for the separation.
“The prudent see danger and take refuge” (Prov. 27:12).
How do I tap the resources in my community?
Shelters: Call the victim/witness program in your local court system and express your desire to be educated and get acquainted with the resources in the community. Many times a shelter number is not published, but the court system, law enforcement personnel, or State Coalition against Domestic Violence can give you numbers for the shelters. Call the shelter director and explain who you are. Tell her that you’re wanting to get involved in the community and want to be part of the solution to this problem. As a counselor or pastor, never show up at a shelter without calling first. They do have strict policies for the safety and confidentiality of their clients. Offer a church room to the shelter for community support groups free of charge and offer baby-sitting. Coordinate a church response team who can provide rides to doctor appointments, court dates, and so on. Perhaps the team can solicit donations for deposits on utilities or apartments for the victim and offer baby-sitting for her children.
Legal Aid Services: Find out what legal services are available. Are there attorneys who will do pro bono work for women who are in crisis? Find out which lawyers are informed about the issues of wife assault.
Hospitals and Emergency Rooms: Doctors and nurses do have a network to support the battered woman and to serve her and get her to safety. They also will welcome a pastor/counselor who will take interest in procedures, victim support, and safety.
Law Enforcement Personnel: A pastor/counselor should meet and work with law enforcement personnel. Find out the law enforcement policies such as whether the arrest is made at the officer’s discretion; the no-drop policy; jail time; and so on. Most agencies now have a domestic violence department. They also welcome those who want to learn about the problem and may allow a pastor to ride along on a shift and be involved with domestic violence calls, especially if the pastor has any training in the domestic violence area. A woman from the church may volunteer as an advocate in the courts or shelter systems.
Court Systems: The pastor or staff should connect with prosecutors, probation officers, judges, and victim/witness programs, acquainting themselves with how the courts are structured. Advocate programs are a good entry level for pastors to start their networking. Advocates can also help get temporary restraining orders, no contact orders, or full restraining orders. This knowledge will be a great help in securing safety for the victim.
Batterers’ Treatment/Counseling Programs: Look for a Family Life Skills group in your city or region. Check out men’s treatment programs and get acquainted with the directors.
What is my role/responsibility as a pastor toward the victim?
A pastor needs understanding before he or she gets involved with the victim. Listen empathetically. Help the woman and children find safety and support.
What about submission?
Let me share this scenario. A woman who is a member of the church has been in an abusive relationship for years. She confronts her husband and tells him that she’s going to talk to the pastor about the abuse. The husband threatens her and curses the pastor, yet she goes to the counseling appointment anyway. As she shares her heart with the pastor, the pastor wonders what she does to cause her husband to act like this. She feels as though she is to blame for her own abuse as the pastor continues to talk to her about submission. If she would cook better meals, keep a cleaner house, be more attractive, be more seductive, pray harder, and try to meet his needs, maybe the abuse would stop. She goes home feeling defeated and hopeless. This is dangerous and puts the woman and children at great risk. As she walks through the door the husband screams, “What did that [expletive] pastor have to say?” She tells her husband that the pastor told her to cook better meals, keep a cleaner house, be more attractive, be more seductive, and try to meet his needs—then maybe the abuse would stop. The husband responds with excitement that the pastor is on his side. He’s even thinking about maybe going to church and possibly becoming friends with the pastor. Once again she has been victimized by spiritual phrases and terminology. As we shared earlier, submission is for both, on an equal basis according to Eph. 5:22, 28–30.
If we cannot find trust in the church with supposedly godly people, then how can we possibly find trust in God for healing of these problems? Most of the time the victim feels so alone in a church filled with people. Please reach out and believe her, along with making her feel welcome and that God cares, and so do you. Do not make her responsible for the problem.
But he’s a deacon, board member, Sunday School teacher—it’s me.
Men who are abusive come from all walks of life, all nationalities, all socioeconomic levels, and all religious groups. They know no boundaries relative to class, income, or background. It is very disturbing to realize that violence is part of life of many faithful churchgoing families. This is one problem the church should be addressing, but it’s probably the problem that we ignore the most. “My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge,” Hos. 4:6 reads. It has been the passion of Life Skills International to educate the Body of Christ to deal with this issue rather than sweep it under the carpet or pretend “It doesn’t exist in our congregation.” There is hope and help for hurting families, but as Jer. 6:14 says, “You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there!” (TLB).
It’s time that we in the Body of Christ recognize our problems, that we become accountable and mature. It is also proper to address these issues from the pulpit. When a pastor understands the issues that others face, then those in the congregation who are hurting will respond.