The title of this book couldn’t be any other than It’s Not You, It’s Me – please let me explain why…
I’ve heard those five little words more times than I can remember – so many of my clients and friends have been on the receiving end of them, as have I, and some have said them too. They have become such clichéd words and their sincerity is often doubted. People assume they’re only said when someone is trying to find an easy way out of a relationship, but let’s just consider that there might be some truth in them…
When my friend told me that her partner had said, “It’s not you, it’s me” to end their relationship, I said to her “Maybe it really was about him.” She looked at me as if to say “What? Are you serious?” And I was. When I see clients in my coaching and hypnosis practice, it often becomes clear that the problem does lie with them, and that it is only by looking inward that they are able to heal their current relationship or build stronger relationships in the future. The biggest bonus, which I’ve had the joy of witnessing so many times, is seeing how the hurt, disappointment and frustration of relationship difficulties gave my clients the opportunity to go on an inward journey that resulted in them having a better relationship with themselves – finding respect, acceptance and, most importantly, a self-love that they’d never known before. And that’s exactly what we are going to explore here.
What if I told you a challenging relationship – be it with a partner, friend, relative, colleague, or with your job, your diet, your body – is a challenge sent your way for you to find your way home to YOU. YEP, crazy, right? But hear me out. If you feel pushed to the limit, not good enough, frustrated or angry, then I trust that you are ready to feel differently and rise up. “It’s not you, it’s me” is such a powerful statement because it acts as a reminder that if you want to change something in your outside world, you have to be willing to go on an inward journey too. We are going to take inspiration from the words rather than dismissing them, so that you can take control and get back in the driver’s seat of your life. You will discover how challenging relationships give you the chance to heal and improve the most important relationship of all – the one with yourself!
“Relationships are assignments.”
Marianne Williamson
Facing up to you
To get the most from this book, I want you to be honest with yourself throughout – to peel back the layers to your truest most authentic self. Only then can true spiritual healing take place. I know that you may feel challenged whilst reading this book and going on this inward journey (taking a long, hard look at yourself rather than blaming a person or situation in your life can be tough), but I want you to know that it is my goal to serve and to hold space for you through my words. You deserve to feel the kind of love I know is possible for all of us, the one that comes from deep within that no one can take away from you and which brings with it an inner peace that no one can disturb. Let me remind you, you were born to shine, and to feel whole and complete within. You may think that what is challenging you right now in life is happening to you but it is, as author and motivational speaker Tony Robbins would say, happening for you.
Finding yourself
When you have self-love, you’ll be more able to be true to yourself. I remember having a deep conversation with my husband when we first met and he said, “In life, you are really only truly yourself when you are by yourself.” At all other times you are playing the role of partner, brother, daughter, mother, boss. I agree with this, but I believe the more authentic, honest and open we are with ourselves, the more we have the courage to take our true selves into a relationship. To do so we have to be self-aware, accept ourselves as we are and definitely love ourselves enough – this will give us the courage to say, “This is me, take it or leave it.” Although it may take a lot of work to get to that point of self-belief and self-love, it means that we can be our true selves and not need to keep up a façade that eventually will crack. This is extremely powerful in any relationship. What I have seen in my clients who have successful relationships, and experienced myself, is that they are with people with whom they can be most themselves and people who love and accept them for who they are.
“You can’t heal what you never reveal.”
Jay Z
As you encounter the same negative experiences and feelings in relationships over and over, you may ask yourself, “How have I ended up here again?” It is common for people to find themselves repeatedly in the same situation, for example with a lover, a colleague or boss, or by constantly trying to stick to a diet to feel better about their body. If that’s where you are at, then please let me help you join the dots so that you can become aware of, and then change, the pattern that is blocking your divine flow – so you can start aligning yourself with what you really want to manifest into your life instead.
You may resist looking inward, perhaps thinking, “It’s not my fault that my boss is rude and arrogant,” but in any negative relationship there is something for you to explore. I believe that in this example a lesson has been sent to you in the form and shape of your boss, and if you want to evolve it’s your job to find out what unhealed part of you that person is reflecting back at you. If looking at relationships in this way is a new concept for you, please don’t worry – it will all become clearer as we work through the book together.
Let me warn you, though, to become self-aware and self-accepting, and make changes takes commitment to yourself and to doing the exercises daily, but the benefits are incredible. When you take full responsibility for where you focus your energy, life gets interesting. And it all starts with HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOURSELF. Because when we love ourselves, we tend to respect and validate ourselves too and lots of other positive stuff that I can’t wait to introduce you to. Sharing these tools that can support you in unlocking your power within is beyond exciting to me.
The only way you will truly reap the benefits of this book is by committing to doing the exercises and by starting to observe your thoughts, behaviours and patterns in the relationship areas you want to improve as you work through the chapters. I will help you to realize fully the power of your thoughts and how by disconnecting the energetic charge towards someone or something, you take control of the things you can change and allow healing to be initiated.
I am going to share from my heart the wisdom and tools that have helped me, and my clients, to navigate through life like a seasoned skipper through rough waters. Everything I explore and teach in this book is based on the magical transformation I witness in my practice every single day. Clients who start out despairing at the state of their relationships and end up repairing them or, if not, parting or making changes from a place of clarity. They do all this by improving their relationship with themselves and how they perceive everything around them.
There may be some tools you want to disregard as perhaps too spiritual for you, and there may be some you will love forever. I want you to know I appreciate you either way and I know that you will take from this book exactly what is right for you. I have written it with the truest intention of putting what I see working every day in my practice, all in one place, for you to know that you are not alone and there are tools out there for you. No matter how enlightened we are, there is always room to grow some more – we are forever evolving and learning, and that’s the beauty of human life.
How to get the best from this book
To help you find your way home to your most fabulous self, I’ve broken the journey down into what I believe to be four vital parts: Self-Awareness, Self-Acceptance, Self-Love and Self-Care. Most people will benefit from reading the book from start to finish as each exercise moves on from the next, gently guiding you through the different stages from acknowledging to solving and healing those issues that are affecting the relationships you want to work on. However, if you want to just dive in and read snippets or try out particular exercises which appeal to you, that’s fine too. Some of the exercises may seem repetitive, but this is intentional – it will help you to narrow down exactly what you need to work on and for the changes to sink into your subconscious mind.
Where an exercise requires you to write down answers and reflect, you’ll see a 
symbol. You can use a notepad, your phone or even scraps of paper, but by writing in a journal you can keep a record and track your progress. You may find it helpful to look back at some of your answers and reflections as you work your way through the exercises.
There are also meditations throughout the book, which you can do whenever you need them and which I hope will become an invaluable self-help tool in your day-to-day life. Look out for the links to the meditations online too.
1. Self-awareness. When we are self-aware, we are able to observe our own feelings, emotions and behaviours. Once we are tuned in, we will become aware of the patterns and behaviours we are repeating and what we would like to change and improve on. I always tell my clients that being aware of an issue is the first step to healing it. The tricky part is when you are not aware. I like to think of becoming self-aware as waking up. Once you are wide awake to what is working in your life and what isn’t, and who you are surrounding yourself with and what you truly want to surround yourself with, you will start to make better choices for yourself with a newfound awareness.
2. Self-acceptance. We can’t change a situation we are in or something about ourselves until we acknowledge it and then accept it. When you accept a relationship is over, for example, or that you are in the wrong career, that is the moment you can start the healing journey and make positive changes. Or when you accept that a behaviour or habit is not really working in your favour, you can get to work on how to change it or improve it.
3. Self-love. Once you’re fully self-aware and self-accepting, you can truly love yourself, warts and all! And believe me no one is perfect! The love you have or don’t have for yourself will be reflected in the relationships around you. You will learn how to meet your own needs before you look for someone or something to meet them for you. I’ve watched so many of my clients fall in love with themselves and it’s the best thing ever – truly life-changing – and I can’t wait for you to experience it too!
4. Self-care. This is last but definitely not least. Taking the time to care for yourself says a lot about how much you actually value yourself and your self-worth. I’m going to share all of my favourite tools with you in my 7-Day Self-Care Plan, so that you can rise and shine and be your best awesome self.
“If you don’t love yourself, it’s impossible for you to love others. You can’t give away what you don’t have.”
Joyce Meyer
Your toolbox
Look out for the ‘Your toolbox’ sections in each chapter. These are the exercises I mentioned on page 6, created to help you move closer to and fall in love with your true self.
Now let’s look at some of the techniques used, and some of the inspiration behind them, in more detail so they provide a useful reference point for you as you do the exercises:
Reframing: This is such a great tool for retraining the mind so that you can feel, think or see something differently. It’s a technique often used in therapy or coaching allowing the client to perceive the situation from a different perspective. Later on I will share the “how to” so you can become a master of reframing in your own life and know you have a mind tool up your sleeve you can rely on whenever you are trying to work out an issue.
NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming): NLP is a tool that helps you to better understand words that you use and how they support you or hinder you – you are basically learning the language of your own mind. NLP includes different types of communication techniques that can help you change a behaviour or thought. An NLP tool I use a lot, and which I’m going to show you, is “Perception is projection”, which helps us look at relationships as our mirrors.
Meditation: Everyone can meditate and it really is one of the most effective self-help tools. Research is continually proving more of the amazing benefits of meditation, including that it helps to lower blood pressure, improve concentration and decrease stress and anxiety. I am passionate about teaching meditation and sharing my passion for it, both as a teacher and as a student, because I have felt the benefits in my own life and seen how it has helped to improve the lives of my clients.
I am going to share some of my favourite guided meditations with you, some of which I have recorded especially for this book for you to listen to for free – just head to www.zenme.tv/mindtools.
A common question I get asked by people starting out in meditation is, “How do I switch my thoughts off?” So let’s just clarify something here – you can’t switch off your thoughts, even when you meditate. You have about 60,000–80,000 thoughts a day, so when your mind feels busy and like it’s racing at 100 miles an hour it’s because it pretty much is! However, what we learn through meditation is that we can choose what we focus on and practise over and over again, bringing our focus back to one thing. That might be your breath, a mantra, an affirmation or even a colour. For example, while meditating you might think, “I forgot to do xyz today” or a specific relationship issue may be going around in your head on repeat. You might want to dive into each thought that appears, allowing worry to set in, and start speculating on the future or worrying about things that have happened in the past. Instead when each thought arrives, acknowledge it, but then instead of diving into it, bring your focus straight back to your breath or whatever is your chosen focus point. When the next thought comes, because it will, again bring your focus back to your breath and so it continues.
You will slowly start to become the observer of your thoughts and adopt a non-judgemental approach, just allowing the thoughts to pass by like clouds in the sky. This practice for the mind is very similar to working your muscles at the gym – the more you do it, the easier it will become. And the most wonderful thing is that the more you practise, the more you will be able to use this skill in everything you do, becoming more present in every moment and able to give each thing you do your full attention.
Meditation will also help you to become less reactive in situations where a considered response is more helpful – it allows you time to assess. So as you meditate, invite thoughts and noises around you to come and go and know that they are a reminder for you to bring your focus and awareness back to your breath. I want to make something very clear here, allow for your practice to be whatever it needs to be for you, even the days where the mind feels super busy and you are less relaxed, it’s still working. Every time you redirect your thoughts in meditation back to you practising focusing on one thing, it will serve you long after your meditation is finished. Sometimes it’s the most relaxing thing you have ever done and sometimes it’s not – it is whatever it is and that’s okay. As author and Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön said, “We don’t sit in meditation to become good meditators. We sit in meditation so that we’ll be more awake in our lives.”
Mindfulness: Like meditation, mindfulness teaches us to allow thoughts to arise and for us to observe what is present in the moment without judgement. Mindfulness, however, can be practised throughout the day not only when you decide to sit down and meditate. You can have a mindful cuppa, a mindful walk or even a mindful bath as you give that one thing your full attention. You are present in the moment, simply sensing what is there right now – not needing to change anything or worrying about the past or the future. There is such solace when practising mindfulness because you know you can be with and feel however you are feeling at the time, negative or positive, and honour what is there – give it space and allow anything that needs to clear through you to do so as you simply observe and stay present to what is happening in each moment. Thoughts, feelings, sounds – there is space for it all.
Visualize: I learnt to visualize as part of my sports training when I was 13 years old and this tool has followed me through life like a dear friend. Visualization is more of an active meditation in that you are intentionally imagining something. When thoughts come and go, you can still go back to your breath to bring your focus back to what you are visualizing. I truly believe that visualizing a goal, dream or relationship as successfully accomplished or healed helps you to achieve it in reality. When you go within and get still in both meditation and visualization you allow for your breath and thoughts to slow down a little and for a certain amount of space to appear between each thought. In this space, clarity, inspiration, intuition, peace and calm can appear. You allow yourself to connect with your true self and to feel connected to your deepest desires and as Bob Proctor, motivational speaker, bestselling author, and contributor to the world-renowned book The Secret, famously said, “Thoughts become things. If you see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand.”
Affirmations: An affirmation is basically a positive or negative statement we repeat over and over again. We create these statements for ourselves and as we repeat them they seep into our subconscious mind and become what we believe to be true, our reality if you like. Throughout the book we will explore the importance of making sure the affirmations you use are positive rather than negative and help you create some powerful ones for yourself. It’s important when creating the affirmation to remember to make it in the first person ie “I”, and present tense not future tense. For example, “I am strong”, not “I’m going to be strong.” “I am full of energy and focused.” Writing these positive statements on your phone or mirror or in your diary, and repeating them in your mind or out loud to yourself in the mirror, can really help you to achieve your goals.
Personal stories: I have asked friends and clients to share their stories of how they healed challenging situations and relationships by healing nothing but themselves. I hope you’ll be inspired by what you read.
My wish is for YOU to create a loving relationship with yourself, which I believe is the most beautiful kind of relationship. The kind we dream of, filled with deep love, understanding, forgiveness, compassion and respect. Imagine entering into any situation and relationship with that in your toolbox. I know, pretty awesome, right? It’s possible and you deserve it as much as anyone else in this world. And just in case you doubted it, it is as possible for you as it is for anyone else. All you have to do is to be willing to invest in yourself by committing to doing the work within. Align yourself internally with what you want to attract externally. It’s time. Are you ready to explore the possibility of falling madly in love with yourself? Let’s begin.
“We’re all just walking each other home.”
Ram Dass