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Imperial Library
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Index
Contents
Foreword: Harville Hendrix, PhD and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD
Introduction
Chapter 1: Before You Date
Your Starting Point
Pair Bonding
Biological and Cultural Imperatives
The Psychobiological Bottom Line
The Lures and Perils of Online Dating
Dispelling Some Love Relationship Myths
Myth 1: Love Is All You Need to Make a Relationship Succeed
Myth 2: You Have to Love Yourself Before You Can Love Someone Else
Myth 3: You Have to Learn to Take Care of Yourself Before You Can Start Dating
Myth 4: You Shouldn’t Rely on Only One Person for Your Well-being
Myth 5: I Need to Find My Soul Mate
Myth 6: Dating Is for the Young—I’m Too Old
Final Thoughts
Chapter 2: Seeing Clearly Through the Fog of Infatuation
A Walk in the Park
Love’s Neurochemical Cocktail
Vision Matters
Familiarity Matters
Vetting Your Partner
Your Social Network
Final Thoughts
Chapter 3: Dealing with the Dating Jitters
Performance Anxiety on a Date
Staying in the Safety Zone
Calming Your Own Nerves
Preparing for a Date
A Mindful Dinner
Final Thoughts
Chapter 4: Uncovering the Clues to a Good Match
Become a Sherlock
Observing the Nonverbal Clues
Interviewing a Potential Partner
Gleaning from the Clues
Final Thoughts
Chapter 5: Know Yourself, Know Your Partner
Things to Know Before You Buy
The Three Attachment Types
Anchor, Island, and Wave
The Styles of Relating in Action
What You Are Selling
What You Are Buying
The Couple Bubble
Dispelling More Myths
Myth 7: The Best Partner Is Low Maintenance
Myth 8: Our Love Is the Real Deal, So It Won’t Fade
Myth 9: If My Potential Partner Has Flaws, We Can Fix That
Final Thoughts
Chapter 6: Anchors: Two Are Better than One
Are You an Anchor?
Anchors as Children
Anchors as Adults
Dating an Anchor
If You Are an Anchor Dating an Anchor
If You Are an Anchor Dating an Island
If You Are an Anchor Dating a Wave
Final Thoughts
Chapter 7: Islands: I Can Do It Myself
Are You an Island?
Islands as Children
Islands as Adults
Dating an Island
What Went Wrong
A Do-over Date: The Island’s Options
A Do-over Date: The Partner’s Options
If You Are an Island Dating an Island
If You Are an Island Dating an Anchor
If You Are an Island Dating a Wave
Final Thoughts
Chapter 8: Waves: I Can’t Do It Without You
Are You a Wave?
Waves as Children
Waves as Adults
Dating a Wave
What Went Wrong
A Do-over Date: The Wave’s Options
A Do-over Date: The Partner’s Options
If You Are a Wave Dating a Wave
If You Are a Wave Dating an Anchor
If You Are a Wave Dating an Island
Final Thoughts
Chapter 9: Do Your Nervous Systems Play Well?
Your Primitives and Ambassadors at Work
Soothing Each Other
Understand the Cues
Quick Repair
Quiet Love
Taking Responsibility for Each Other
Exciting Each Other
The Art of Fighting with Each Other
Lead with Relief
Co-regulate Conflict Playfully
Final Thoughts
Chapter 10: Breaking Up
Why Some Relationships Don’t Last
Should You Say Good-Bye?
How to Say Good-Bye
How to Take a Good-Bye
Final Thoughts
Chapter 11: Making It Last
Why Commit
Making the Agreement
Your Mutual Commandments
Pact Examples
Living Together
Breach of Contract
Final Thoughts
Chapter 12: Dating Is Forever
Acknowlegments
References
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