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Imperial Library
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Index
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Epigraph
Contents
Introduction The Princess and the Peeved: A Fairly Telling Fairy Tale
PART IThe Biggies(If you learn just seventeen things about language before losing interest in the subject altogether, make it these!)
1 I feel bad.
2 I feel good.
3 I feel well.
4 This is between you and I.
5 I could care less.
6 I could of turned out worse.
7 Learning grammar is so fun.
8 But learning this is even funner.
9 Will everyone who’s annoyed by this sentence please raise their hand?
10 I have got in trouble over “got.”
11 I wish I was taller.
12 Resources are spread thinly.
13 I feel sick, so I’m going to lay down.
14 The media is biased.
15 It’s an historic moment.
16 I get paid biweekly, so I get two paychecks a week.
17 I did it on accident.
PART II Adverb Adversity
18 That horse runs real slow.
19Therefore, those Lolly’s people are going to pay.
20Hopefully, this guy will get a life.
21More importantly, never work in a place called Melons.
22Firstly, they’re wrong.
23However, lies live longer than liars.
24Anyways, I’ll see you later.
25 I am continuously watching Simpsons reruns.
26 Stay for awhile.
27 I like Tom Cruise, irregardless of what the critics, the Academy, or the mental health community might say.
28 I’m way too cool to accost a celebrity (unless it’s Rob Corddry).
PART III Verbal Abuse
29 It is you who is the smart one.
30 I rifle through my desk.
31 Here’s how to gift everyone on your list.
32Loan me some money.
33 What, exactly, are you inferring about my mother?
34 The woods were decimated by the fire.
35 If your nose itches, itch it.
36 I like to mercilessly mock conspiracy theorists.
37 The man spit on the sidewalk.
38 I like to aggravate the easily irritated.
39 The tyrant lobbed off their heads.
40There’s taxes to pay.
41 Infighting among experts is a reoccurring phenomenon.
42Aren’t I right to use this contraction?
43 You have woken up the beast.
44 Instead of studying hard, I just perused my textbook.
45Bring this hood-mounted ray gun on your morning commute.
46 Johnny Damon shouldn’t have went to New York.
47 Bob likes to patronize minority-owned businesses.
48 What it is is people don’t like these constructions.
PART IV Noun Sequitur
49 The enormity of the Grand Canyon is overwhelming.
50 This term creates a myriad of problems.
51 What’s the dog’s gender?
52 A majority of the human race have better things to worry about.
53 Have a seat on this lovely chaise lounge.
54 Under the pretense of being helpful, AP decided how “pretense” is different from “pretext.”
PART V Pronoun Pains
55 Here’s the thing which still stings.
56 When it comes to talking apes, I like these ones.
57 He is smarter than me.
58 He is more experienced than myself.
59Whom shall I say is calling (the media biased)?
60 I listen to whoever’s music is on the radio.
61You can address readers in the second person.
62 Of all the sticklers out there, none are more rabid than the “none are” prohibitionists.
63 Was it Horton that heard the Who?
64 It’s companies like Horton Biosciences who make Whoburgers so popular.
PART VI Indecent Prepositions
65 It’s not too big of a deal.
66 All of my exes live in the greater Houston metropolitan area.
67 Look towards the future.
68 We divided the money between the four of us.
69 A preposition is something you can end a sentence with.
70 This letter is in regards to your advertisement.
71Where are you at?
72In behalf of the shareholders, I accept this big check.
73 Don’t listen to fuddy-duddies like this guy.
74 I’ve been a world-famous blogger for over two weeks.
75 I get bad editing advice for free.
PART VII Adjective Nauseam
76 How fortuitous that your Halliburton stock has skyrocketed.
77 I’m anxious to get started.
78 It was one of the only times a person responded to his e-mail.
79 Eat a healthy diet or you could become nauseous and have to seek medical attention in a less peaceful country.
80 K-Fed is the penultimate rapper!
81 That’s a whole nuther issue.
82 This lane is for ten items or less.
PART VIII Conjunction-itis
83 Tell me whether or not you’ll attend.
84 The snobs will nitpick whether or not it does any good.
85Since you’re reading this book, I might as well clear up this myth, too.
86 The reason is because I’m dense.
PART IX Figures of Screech
87 Her husband went missing.
88 That Principal Skinner is pure milktoast.
89 He was hoist with his own petard.
90 Bob is chomping at the bit to get that promotion.
91 For all intensive purposes, blogs are great sources of information.
92 He’s at her beck and call.
93 It remains to be seen whether people will ever get their priorities straight.
94 The baby ran down the beach butt naked.
95 She was like, “Hello?!?” So he goes, “Whatever!”
96 Happy holidays from the Smith’s.
PART X Lingo (The Words of Cops, Techs, and Ad Execs)
97 A store selling CDs had a sign “SALE ON CD’S.”
98 The perp is a male.
99 You’re pre-approved for a Gougybank Card!
100 Log on to the website and send me an e-mail.
101 The suspect robbed the bank.
The Princess and the Peeveless: An Epically Pollyanna-ish Epilogue
Acknowledgments
Sources
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