Log In
Or create an account ->
Imperial Library
Home
About
News
Upload
Forum
Help
Login/SignUp
Index
The Third Rule of Villainy
Heroes are arrogant, predictable, and really, really dumb.
Prologue
Prologue pt. 2 - Electric Boogaloo
The Fourth Rule of Villainy
Villains are frequently as dumb, or dumber, than the heroes.
Chapter One
Where I Introduce Myself
Chapter Two
Where I Discuss Fantastical Beasts and How to Feed Them
Chapter Three
Where I Discuss Politics, Ex-Wives, and Have a Visit from my Sister
Chapter Four
Where I Entertain Bad People, Worse Ideas, and Give My Nephew a Job
The Fourteenth Rule of Villainy
Trust leads to relationships. Relationships lead to betrayal. Betrayal is your own damn fault.
Ergo, trust is dumb.
Chapter Five
Where I Contemplate the Evil Nature of Horses, the State of the Poor, and Waste Teachable Moments on the Young
Chapter Six
Where I Discuss Shoes and Orchestrate a Bar Brawl
Chapter Seven
Where I Ponder My Time with He-Man and Encounter a Secret Servant
Chapter Eight
Where I Eat the Contents of the Monster Manual and Get Betrayed
Chapter Nine
Where I Recover from a Concussion and Plot the Demise of Seven Assholes
Chapter Ten...sort of
Where I Gloat
Chapter Ten (The Real One)
Where I Exploit Fantasy Loopholes and Piss off a Sea Deity
The Ninth Rule of Villainy
A villain will use ANYTHING to win . . . even if it sucks.
Chapter Eleven
Where I Begin My Quest to Find Heroes and Expose Fantasy Realm Sexism
Chapter Twelve
Where I Enlist My Team by Putting Innocents at Risk and Kick a Little Ass
Chapter Thirteen
Where I Weave a Web of Lies into Half-Truths and Ensnare a Few Heroes
Chapter Fourteen
Where I Meet Two Gods and Wish for a Better Cell Phone Provider
Chapter Fifteen
Where I Find Myself Poisoned, Robbed, and Planning on Going After a Pack of Bastards
The Sixth Rule of Villainy
A villain will always pay attention.
You never know what you can learn and turn to your advantage later.
Chapter Sixteen
Where I Fantasize About Equestricide and Forced to Listen to Back Stories While Sleepy
Chapter Seventeen
Where I Prove Discretion in the Better Part of Valor and Enjoy a Final Show
Chapter Seventeen-and-a-Half
Where I Don’t Feel I Need to Explain Myself to You
Chapter Eighteen
Where I Point Out the Obvious and Plan an Escape
The Eight Rule of Villainy
A villain will plan for any contingency.
Should that plan fail, a true villain will not only improvise, but they will also claim any success as a well-constructed backup plan.
Chapter Nineteen
Where I Discover Horrible Smells and Use the C-Word (If you find this offensive, imagine it said by a British comedian)
Chapter Twenty
Where I Make False Promises, Strike a Blow Against Sexism, and Get Kicked in the Balls
Chapter Twenty-One
Where I Ladle Out Copious Amounts of Bullshit and My Companions Ask for a Second Helping
Chapter Twenty-Two
Where I Go from One Prison to Another and Detail Why Elves are Assholes
The Nineteenth Rule of Villainy
A villain knows the legal system of every location he is in and is prepared to use that system toward his advantage . . .
preferably in a way that inspires shock and awe.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Where I Stand Trial and Drop Knowledge Bombs
Chapter Twenty-Four
Where I Reacquaint Myself with an Old Ally and Perform Certain Necessary Acts
Chapter Twenty-Five
Where I Negotiate Villainous Plots During a Funeral
Chapter Twenty-Six
Where I Try to Move This Along, but Certain People Refuse to Let Me
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Where I Shine a Light on Fantasy Tropes and Go Swimming
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Where I Devise a Plan, Watch a Fight, and Listen to Barry White
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Where I Nakedly Deal with a Deity and Have a Talk with My Sexual Partner
Chapter Thirty
Where I Lead Us on to the Next Leg of the Adventure, Have a Cold Awkwardness with Lydia, and Find a Job for My Dead Employee
The Tenth Rule of Villainy
Villains make mistakes. A successful one learns from them.
Chapter Thirty-One
Where Intelligence and Toilets are Key
Chapter Thirty-Two
Where We Climb Through Human Shit and Wren Tries to Burn Us Alive
Chapter Thirty-Three
Where I Skulk, Learn About Giant Sex, and Contemplate Romance
Chapter Thirty-Four
Where I Get Healed, Get Robbed, Entertain an Offer, and Get Rescued
Chapter Thirty-Five
Where I Spy From Above, Give Sage Villain Advice, and Am Betrayed
Chapter Thirty-Six
Where I Am Forced To Listen to Two Traitors and Plan a Counterattack While Not Moving
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Where I Witness the Fury of a Half-Dwarf and Ponder Vaginal Relativity
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Where I Sacrifice a Life to Save a Life
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Where I Check on the Recently Deceased and Deal with Steve
The Fifteenth Rule of Villainy
A villain will always assess everything and everyone for a net gain.
Chapter Forty
Where We Question Carina, I Dodge a Bullet, and We Move on to Chaud
Chapter Forty-One
Where I Have Polite Villain-to-Villain Discourse and Enjoy a Glass of Wine
Chapter Forty-Two
Where I Have a Heart-to-Heart with Hawker and Consider My Grandmother’s Cryptic Adage
Chapter Forty-Three
Where I Put My Plan into Action and Receive a Threat
The Twenty-First Rule of Villainy
The enemies you make speak louder about you than your allies.
Chapter Forty-Four
Where Families Reunite and I Learn that Snitches Get Stitches
Chapter Forty-Five
Where I Explain Some Rules, Deal with Paige, and Suffer from a Gunshot Wound
Chapter Forty-Six
Where I Ponder Paige’s Fate, Compare Myself to Tolkien, and Consider Public Nudity
Chapter Forty-Seven
Where I Question Whether or Not I Possess Guilt
Chapter Forty-Eight
Where I Witness Grimskull’s Tantrum and I Learn a Bit More About My Conspirators
Chapter Forty-Nine
Where I Confront a God and I’m Forced to Do the Unspeakable
Chapter Fifty
Where I Receive Help, Say Goodbye to Bad Business Partners, and Pray
The Seventh Rule of Villainy
A villain will never claim victory. Victory only comes when all enemies have either perished or submit to you and they claim you victor.
Otherwise, you are bound to be beaten just when you think you have won.
Chapter Fifty-One
Where I Sell Lydia and Take Cover While the Avatars Battle
Chapter Fifty-Two
Where Hawker Gets His Revenge and Grimskull Gets a Visit
Chapter Fifty-Three
Where I Reconnect with an Old Ally and Discover a New Enemy
Chapter Fifty-Four
Where I Am Dumbstruck
Chapter Fifty-Five
Where I Witness Evil and Receive a Lecture
The Second Rule of Villainy
A villain will know every rule through and through. And when in doubt, a villain will always refer to rule #1.
Chapter Fifty-Six
Where I Am Forced to Listen to Randy and I Test a Theory
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Where the Heroes Unite and Randy Tells a Very Unfunny Joke
Chapter Fifty-Eight
Where I Have a Near-Death Experience
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Where I Take a Painful Walk and Accept My Fate
Chapter Sixty
Where I Reveal the First Rule of Villainy
Epilogue
About the Author
← Prev
Back
Next →
← Prev
Back
Next →