Fork on the Left, Knife in the Back by Musto, Michael -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover Page Title Page Dedication CONTENTS INTRODUCTION PART 1: CELEBS IN NEED OF CRISIS COUNSELING

Everyone Shut Up about Ellen DeGeneres Can Singing Siamese Twins Outshine George Michael’s Bathroom Stunt? Another Bad Actor Tries to Carry California Gigli Gives Brain Damage a Bad Name Why I Needed Brad and Jennifer The Year in Pop Culture Shame! The State of the Celebrity Closet The OutMusic Awards Were a Big Gay Mess! 2010 in Review: Googoo for Gaga

PART 2: CHEAP THRILL-SEEKING AND OTHER PERSONAL JOURNEYS

The Psychic Friends Hotline Ain’t So Hot Vacation from Hell in the Uppity Hamptons Regrets Only: When Bad Parties Attack Pee Prepared: Kinky Sex is a Pisser Experiment in Power: Manning the Door for One Night Only Mama, I’m a Big Slut Now! Point Me toward a Camera and Let the Whoring Begin I’m Ready for My Messup, I Mean Closeup Me as Lindsay as Marilyn: The Ultimate Re-Vamp I’ve Entered the Blogosphere

PART 3: STARRY, STARRY NIGHTS AND AN OCCASIONAL LUNCH

Sad Sade And Other Singular Sensations There’s a Big Fan of Faye Dunaway—And She’s Carrying It Patti Davis Puts the Pube Back in Republican Closet Cases, Homophobes, and Chloe Sevigney Old Faithfull Still Kicking, Judy Garland Still Dead Chris Rock’s Motor Mouth Draws The Line In a Prada Da Vida Screaming Babies and Screaming Queens Hit Broadway Has Lindsay Lohan Already Peaked? Forecast Bad For New Disaster Movie Hollywood or Some Busts Trophy Boys in Jerseys and Jersey Boys with Trophies Getting an Erection for Madonna’s Resurrection Usher’s Debut and All That Jazz Fill it to The Rim with Wacky Movies The Oscar Race Decoded Wynonna’s Backwoods Backstory Parties Crashing: The Recession Has Me Home Alone with Altoids Madonna’s Uncut Boy Toy and Other Short-Attention-Span Delights Everyone’s a Star in Our Brave New-Media World Cruising For Surreal NYC Housewives Addams Family Turns Ghoulish Into Goulash

PART 4: WEIRDOS ARE MY HEROES

Sandra Bernhard Seeks Sperm Donor with Sense of Humor Crispin Glover Won’t Stop Calling Me RuPaul Spreads it for Arsenio Madonna’s Ex-’Ho Boyfriend is a Movie Star In Praise of Jerry Springer Kiki & Herb on Ice Quentin Crisp, 1908-1999 Cutting Off Her Balls, but Not to Spite Her Face Dame Edna: Gladdie Handler from Down Under The Aristocrats: Two Thumbs Waay Up! Clay Aiken’s Brazen Beau Won’t Stay “Invisible” Straight People With Crabs? Shocking! Sarah Silverman is My Kind of Expletive The Arquettes Have a New Baby Sister and She’s Smoking Hot Wear Oven Mitts For The “La Dolce” Hot List The Ultimate Paris Hilton Interview Inside Gay Porn Czar Michael Lucas Mr. Beane’s Holiday–And Roasting Tips from Jeffrey Ross

PART 5: LEGALLY BLIND

Why Blind Items Are Everyone’s Guiltless Pleasure Who-Did-What-To-Whom-A-Go-Go Slutty Slutty Bo Butty Riddle of the Sphincters

PART 6: AFTER DARK, MY SWEET

The Death of Downtown Mars to Club Kids: Kindly Return to Earth Amazing Grace Jones Pulls Up to Our Bumper Tom Jones Still Merits Our Underwear The View from Clubland A Glitterary Salon for Downtown Gays The 10 Ickiest People in New York The Worst Club, Party, and Restaurant in Town

FINAL THOUGHTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS About the Author Copyright Page