You Are Not Here by Schutz, Samantha -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover Title Page Dedication Contents I walk down my block Part One

If I do not sleep Morning light streams in my window This is how I found out Idiopathic hypertrophic subaortic stenosis I wonder Brian and I met Our first date At home, I can’t stop We had our first kiss I’ve never been to a funeral It’s getting late Brian is the only person After my shower Marissa is waiting for me Marissa and I Marissa slips her arm in mine Marissa only met Brian twice All eyes are on Brian I want to see Brian Marissa’s arm is linked with mine Throughout the service I put my head on Marissa’s shoulder The one time People are standing When Marissa and I walk out of the church When the priest is done There are ghosts in this house Marissa gets up to go to the bathroom Brian’s dad is sitting on the deck I want to get away from all these strangers I had been waiting Not including the day Brian died It bothers me that I can’t remember I can’t The last time Marissa and I talked Marissa comes back from the bathroom On the way upstairs to my bedroom Every day at Sacred Heart Hospital This time I wake up a little while later I look down at the postcard At home The last time I talked to Joy I’ve been trying to sleep for hours It doesn’t make sense “Hey. It’s Marissa I leave the house The second night after Brian’s funeral

Part Two

I had a dream last night It takes a lot of harassing texts IHSS is caused by abnormal growth It’s been six days I’m trying to decide what is worse On the seventh day The dirt on Brian’s grave is pretty uneven As I walk home I realize In bed, I cannot sleep I visit Brian again the next day After talking to Brian I have so much tension in my face Parker texts me A while ago The “death book” I finally dreamed of Brian I feel It’s 3:47 a.m. and I can’t sleep After sitting with Brian this afternoon I don’t It’s not always easy I’m not sure I understand the point I wonder if I can somehow Things feel different Sitting and talking to Brian Joy calls At 6:30 p.m., my mom comes downstairs The next week The death book wants me I wonder how it would look Marissa stops by unannounced I wear my favorite sundress In bed, I cannot sleep There is a pain The death book taught me Sitting with Brian is too quiet “You can’t just lie here all day” I am thankful that Brian I’m telling Brian I have cornflakes What would it be like if I had died I walk down my block I had a dream Sitting on the bench The death book wants me Fireflies blink All this thinking about death As I am walking past the church I don’t have to wait In bed, I cannot sleep Lewis Armin The death book wants me I’m getting sick At home I am as furious

Part Three

I walk through the door at Renzo’s The next morning On the way to Renzo’s Pizza Boy is behind the counter again “So I went to Renzo’s” Ethan is behind the counter The answer to the question I am sweeping I sit with Brian and tell him about work I’m wiping down table six Seeing Marissa’s shock Joy texts back immediately On the way to work I dream “Who’s that guy?” Joy asks “I wonder The death book wants me Here we go again Somewhere in between “Whoa. Look at you” I am too tired Sometimes I catch myself The death book wants me Ethan and I are last to leave work “So that was Ethan I don’t know why Was Peter telling me about Sarah I shut my eyes At work the next day I say In bed, I cannot sleep It’s hard not to speak to someone Before, I didn’t have anything to say I decide to call Marissa and I agree The movie is perfect As a kid, there were a few times As we are paying the check Instead of going home “Back so soon?” Brian’s grandmother asks I cannot control I slide a napkin across the counter The death book wants me “Do you want it to be more?” Sitting next to Ethan There is this one page in the death book Ethan and I both have the afternoon off My body buzzes At the party, I find Ethan After hanging out for a little while The death book wants me It feels a little ridiculous I had to be ready I need to remind myself

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