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Index
Back Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Contents
Publisher’s Note
Chapter 1: Did You Ever
Chapter 2: I’m Not Exactly Sure
Chapter 3: See, the Library
Chapter 4: I Met Her My Freshman Year
Chapter 5: Fantasy Segued into Darker Dimensions
Chapter 6: I Began
Chapter 7: I Also Began to Journal
Chapter 8: Ms. Rose Had Other Ideas
Chapter 9: I Wasn’t Sure What She Meant
Chapter 10: Justin Proud
Chapter 11: I Suppose That’s the Kind of Thing
Chapter 12: Seven Girls
Chapter 13: One Time, One Day
Chapter 14: In My View, Having Babies
Chapter 15: Regardless
Chapter 16: Silly Me
Chapter 17: Somehow, I Couldn’t Reconcile
Chapter 18: Oh Yes
Chapter 19: But Neither Becca
Chapter 20: Did They Know
Chapter 21: Later, However
Chapter 22: Maybe It Was the “Shall”
Chapter 23: Journal Entry, March 23
Chapter 24: The Next Day in Chemistry Lab
Chapter 25: Justin Sauntered Over
Chapter 26: Zap!
Chapter 27: Daydreams Bite
Chapter 28: Timing Was Poor
Chapter 29: As I Approached the Shed
Chapter 30: The Long Pause
Chapter 31: I Sort of Remember
Chapter 32: I Wasn’t Sure Which Dad
Chapter 33: Not Dad’s Fault
Chapter 34: But It Only Takes One Leg
Chapter 35: One Thing Already Decided
Chapter 36: I Started to Sing
Chapter 37: Even Without Dad
Chapter 38: But on That Night
Chapter 39: When the House Fell Quiet
Chapter 40: After a While, She Asked
Chapter 41: That Made Me Think
Chapter 42: Which Brought Me Up Short
Chapter 43: I Tried Asking Him Once
Chapter 44: I Slithered Out of Bed
Chapter 45: He Made Me Carry My Own Gun
Chapter 46: After That
Chapter 47: Killing Bunnies
Chapter 48: If You’ve Never Shot a Gun
Chapter 49: By the Time
Chapter 50: On That Saturday
Chapter 51: I Thought About That
Chapter 52: Justin Took Off His Helmet
Chapter 53: He Was Making Tiffany Nervous
Chapter 54: We Had Fun
Chapter 55: I Barely Flinched
Chapter 56: Derek Wasn’t Exactly Justin
Chapter 57: We Laughed at the Old Joke
Chapter 58: After a While
Chapter 59: With His Arm Around Me
Chapter 60: Almost Four!
Chapter 61: No Spare Helmet
Chapter 62: He Dropped Me Off
Chapter 63: When I Got Home
Chapter 64: Later On
Chapter 65: I Pondered That
Chapter 66: Journal Entry, March 26
Chapter 67: I Didn’t Dare
Chapter 68: Not Sure
Chapter 69: He Kissed Me
Chapter 70: He Held My Hand
Chapter 71: But I Told Her
Chapter 72: It Worked Great
Chapter 73: Journal Entry, April 1
Chapter 74: I’d Done It
Chapter 75: I’d Like to Tell You
Chapter 76: Love or Lust
Chapter 77: But Everything Came Harder
Chapter 78: One Problem with Alcohol
Chapter 79: He Almost Got His Chance
Chapter 80: My Friends Were Spies
Chapter 81: I Thought Dad’s Rant Was Bad
Chapter 82: Censored
Chapter 83: Journal Entry, May 7
Chapter 84: Turned Out
Chapter 85: Dismissed
Chapter 86: I Wasn’t in Love with Derek
Chapter 87: I’d Never Been to the Office
Chapter 88: Communication
Chapter 89: A Week Went By
Chapter 90: I Followed Carmen and Derek
Chapter 91: What I Did Was…
Chapter 92: It Was Just a Hairline Fracture
Chapter 93: For Once
Chapter 94: She Screamed
Chapter 95: If I’d Have Known Then
Chapter 96: Later, Bishop Crandall Dropped By
Chapter 97: Journal Entry, May 18
Chapter 98: Dad Dropped the Bomb
Chapter 99: I Didn’t Want to Go
Chapter 100: East from Carson City
Chapter 101: So I Ventured
Chapter 102: So I Argued
Chapter 103: Halfway
Chapter 104: That Was the Closest to Human
Chapter 105: We Hit Caliente Around Four
Chapter 106: Aunt Jeanette Lived
Chapter 107: I’m Not Sure Why
Chapter 108: I’m Not Sure Why
Chapter 109: Aunt Jeanette’s Ranch
Chapter 110: We Followed Her Inside
Chapter 111: At Dinner
Chapter 112: Journal Entry, May 27
Chapter 113: Dad Motored Off
Chapter 114: The First Week or So
Chapter 115: I Did—and I Didn’t
Chapter 116: Next Day, I Found Out
Chapter 117: Aunt J Figured
Chapter 118: Journal Entry, June 6
Chapter 119: The Next Morning
Chapter 120: What Had Happened to Me
Chapter 121: After Breakfast
Chapter 122: The Look on Her Face
Chapter 123: We Started Down
Chapter 124: We Drove Off in Opposite Directions
Chapter 125: Journal Entry, June 7
Chapter 126: On Saturday
Chapter 127: At the Feed Store
Chapter 128: He Trailed Aunt J
Chapter 129: See Me Soon?
Chapter 130: Aunt J Knew, Too
Chapter 131: It Seemed Like Forever
Chapter 132: I Was Stunned
Chapter 133: We Went Inside
Chapter 134: Journal Entry, June 10
Chapter 135: I Thought About Ethan a Lot
Chapter 136: Tuesday Evening
Chapter 137: After He Left
Chapter 138: I Didn’t Know
Chapter 139: The Morning After
Chapter 140: By Friday Afternoon
Chapter 141: No Way Off That Horse
Chapter 142: Ethan Helped Me
Chapter 143: If He Thought I Was Nuts
Chapter 144: Half of Me Said Yes
Chapter 145: Journal Entry, June 16
Chapter 146: I Tend to Overanalyze
Chapter 147: Another Ugly Story
Chapter 148: I Didn’t Even Know
Chapter 149: One Question Wouldn’t Go Away
Chapter 150: Sleep Came Hard
Chapter 151: The Next Morning Before Dawn
Chapter 152: We Saddled Up
Chapter 153: Personally, I Took Notice of Ethan
Chapter 154: But Aunt J Had Other Plans
Chapter 155: We Stoked the Campfire
Chapter 156: Ethan Propped Himself
Chapter 157: It Was the Kiss You Dream About
Chapter 158: But He Didn’t Try to Escalate
Chapter 159: I Awoke
Chapter 160: Shorter Because Aunt J
Chapter 161: Without Cattle to Keep Track Of
Chapter 162: Closing In on Home
Chapter 163: Back at the Ranch
Chapter 164: As If Reading My Mind
Chapter 165: Journal Entry, June 19
Chapter 166: Ethan Started Stopping By
Chapter 167: Thursday, June 29
Chapter 168: Back to My Birthday
Chapter 169: We Spent More Than a Little
Chapter 170: They Say the World Sees You
Chapter 171: Aunt J Surprised Me Again
Chapter 172: Perfect Hands, Actually
Chapter 173: We Went to a Movie
Chapter 174: I Also Remember the Drive Home
Chapter 175: Even If There Were
Chapter 176: Three Magic Words
Chapter 177: We Agreed Not to Worry
Chapter 178: Aunt J Had Come Out
Chapter 179: The Idea of a Trail Ride
Chapter 180: We Stopped for Lunch
Chapter 181: His Body Settled
Chapter 182: All Hell Broke Loose
Chapter 183: Then He Laughed
Chapter 184: Either Way, We Had No Choice
Chapter 185: We Started for Home Again
Chapter 186: Never Say Never
Chapter 187: Journal Entry, July 1
Chapter 188: After Paprika
Chapter 189: Ethan Agreed
Chapter 190: I Had to Admit
Chapter 191: It Wasn’t Hard
Chapter 192: We Took the 4x4s
Chapter 193: I Didn’t Want to Shout
Chapter 194: Ethan Sprinted Toward Me
Chapter 195: Ethan Didn’t Stay
Chapter 196: The Questions Ran Deeper
Chapter 197: I Lay on the Bed
Chapter 198: Journal Entry, July 2
Chapter 199: Having Decided That
Chapter 200: Ethan Was Right
Chapter 201: So When Ethan Suggested Swimming
Chapter 202: No, We Didn’t Make Love
Chapter 203: People Walked By
Chapter 204: I Cried
Chapter 205: In the Aftermath
Chapter 206: A Couple More Beers
Chapter 207: Journal Entry, July 3
Chapter 208: The Fourth of July
Chapter 209: Eventually
Chapter 210: It Was a Stunning Admission
Chapter 211: Once the Chicken Was Fried
Chapter 212: Independence Day
Chapter 213: I Finally Spotted Ethan
Chapter 214: Ethan’s Dad Gave Me a Hug
Chapter 215: I Wasn’t Sure
Chapter 216: After Stuffing Ourselves
Chapter 217: I Was Dying to Know
Chapter 218: Fireworks
Chapter 219: Ethan Drove Me Home
Chapter 220: Vibrant Singing
Chapter 221: I Wasn’t Quite Ready to Quit
Chapter 222: July Took on a Rhythm
Chapter 223: On Weekends
Chapter 224: So with Ethan’s Blessing
Chapter 225: Toward the End of the Month
Chapter 226: It Was My First Real Tinge
Chapter 227: Of Course, When Ethan Stopped By
Chapter 228: August Rumbled In
Chapter 229: Both Ethan and His Dad
Chapter 230: The Old Pattyn
Chapter 231: The Rest of the Story
Chapter 232: Anger Sweated
Chapter 233: The Letter Ate at Me for Days
Chapter 234: Between That
Chapter 235: Ethan Opened His Arms
Chapter 236: I Thought He’d
Chapter 237: I Made Ethan Promise
Chapter 238: I Didn’t Smile
Chapter 239: Journal Entry, August 14
Chapter 240: Part of That Feeling of Dread
Chapter 241: Time Became the Enemy
Chapter 242: One of Those Times
Chapter 243: One More Thing
Chapter 244: Aunt J Summoned Me Inside
Chapter 245: That Same Day
Chapter 246: Dad Wanted to Come Get Me
Chapter 247: Our Last Night Together
Chapter 248: The Old Pattyn Resurfaced
Chapter 249: I Thought I Knew “Sad”
Chapter 250: We Made the Long Drive
Chapter 251: About Fifteen Minutes
Chapter 252: He Dropped Me Off
Chapter 253: I Got Dad His Ice Cream
Chapter 254: We Both Held Back a Little
Chapter 255: She Respected That Secret
Chapter 256: For Everyone Else
Chapter 257: And Then School Started
Chapter 258: For One Thing
Chapter 259: I Tried to Talk to Ethan
Chapter 260: The First Couple of Weeks
Chapter 261: At Home
Chapter 262: But Then Things Got Tough at Work
Chapter 263: Dumb Idea, Oh Yeah
Chapter 264: Journal Entry, Sep 15
Chapter 265: Dad Took Off Hunting
Chapter 266: Easy Enough
Chapter 267: My Earthly Father
Chapter 268: By the Time I Got Up
Chapter 269: Dad Fired the Next Volley
Chapter 270: The Cougar Pounced
Chapter 271: When He Was Finished
Chapter 272: Jackie Tried to Comfort Me
Chapter 273: I Couldn’t Go to School
Chapter 274: Driving Home
Chapter 275: Now Dad Believed
Chapter 276: Pounding on the Door
Chapter 277: Journal Entry, Oct 7
Chapter 278: On Monday
Chapter 279: By Lunch My Fingernails Were History
Chapter 280: Carmen and Tiffany
Chapter 281: He Wanted Me to Tell
Chapter 282: That Night I Prayed
Chapter 283: I Knew He Was Hurt
Chapter 284: Somehow I Made It
Chapter 285: It Was the Last Thing
Chapter 286: But He Was
Chapter 287: I Was in the Hospital
Chapter 288: When I Finally
Chapter 289: See, as Far as I’m concerned
Chapter 290: Plans Made
Author’s Note
About the Author
Reading Group Guide
‘Perfect’ Teaser
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