[Uncle John's Facts and Trivia 01] • Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 by Scalzi, John -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover Title Page Copyright Dedication Contents Acknowledgments Preface Introduction CHAPTER 1: BIG DUMMY ON CAMPUS

The Greatest Scavenger Hunt in the Universe Stupidity Is Alive and Well and Wearing Greek Letters If Nothing Else, He Has a Degree in Chutzpah How to Become the Most Hated Man in College Park A Double-Entendre That Has Absolutely Nothing to Do with Sex The Really Stupid Quiz Dumb and Dumber

CHAPTER 2: BLAME IT ON THE FAME

Not Exactly a “Smooth Criminal” Rub & Roll The Camera Has Stopped. Please Don’t Act Anymore A Step Down from “Clapton Is God,” to Be Sure To Tell the Truth A Jewel of a Concert Slappin’ to the Oldies The Really Stupid Quiz Emeril

CHAPTER 3: CHUG-A-LUG!

Mmmm . . . Felonious Beer Chug-A, Chug-A, Choo-Choo! Bulldozing Berlin Blasphemy, Australian Style Fence Frustrates Sloshed Swede Oh, It Was Hazardous Material, All Right Blessed Aren’t the Dumb Those Weren’t the Suds They Were Looking For The Drunk Need Not Apply The Really Stupid Quiz This Is Spinal Tap

CHAPTER 4: DUMBING IN THE FAMILY

So Happy Together . . . They’re Always in the Last Place You Look But You Can Get the Lithograph for Just $25K! Long-Term Storage? Does the Duffel Bag Cost Extra? Someone Left the Rake out in the Rain The Really Stupid Quiz The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer

CHAPTER 5: EDU-MA-CATION

The Class Ended with a Bang Death by Peanut Butter! To the Showers, Coach It Tasted Just Like Stupidity Not What They Meant by Sex Ed Everest Is Not in the Cards The Really Stupid Quiz Fast Times at Ridgemont High

CHAPTER 6: GOVERNMENT GOOFS

Uncle Sam Charges It Cyprus? It’s Near Crete. Really Near. No Straight Edge Required Are You There, Vishwakarma? It’s Me, Yadav Downgrading from the Sixth Circle of Hell to the Fifth Can’t Blame Them for Taking It Britain, Austria, Luvania? Pink Lady . . . and Jeff

CHAPTER 7: HI-TECH HALF-WITS

And Yet, Almost Nothing of Any Value Ever Gets Said That Way GPS Also Stands for “Generally Pretty Stupid” The Ultimate in Poor Service Wireless Yet Stupid Insert “Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti” Joke Here The Perils of Being “Leet” Bidding on Jail Time No Such Thing As a Free Fill-Up Cell Phone Craziness Sleep On Your Own Time, Bub Being There

CHAPTER 8: A HUNK, A HUNK OF BURNIN’ DUMB

Talk About Char-Broiled Crispy Critters, Crispy Commerce From the Do-As-We-Say-Not-As-We-Do Department Pants on Fire He’ll Be the Butt of Jokes for Years Keep the Home Fires Burning Some Life Left in Them The Really Stupid Quiz You’re in the Picture

CHAPTER 9: THE LAW IS BLIND, NOT DUMB

Undercover Idiocy Someone Who Wouldn’t Benefit From Tips for Stupid Criminals You’re Not an Emergency! A One Way Ticket to Stupidville, First Class Attention, Wal-Mart Shoppers She Should Have Seen It Coming Seriously Out of Uniform That’s the Ticket What Would You Do for Vanilla Roast? Oh Deer Flashy Stupidity Zoolander

CHAPTER 10: MORONS AND MOTOR VEHICLES

On the Road, Don’t Look at These Curves Vehicular Stupidity, Canadian Style Driving Toward Trouble I Wasn’t Speeding. The Earth Just Rotated Slower The Wrong Fake ID A Short Cut, Or a Long Way Down? A Crushing Loss She Can Park There for 17 Years The Case of the Too Clever License Plate My Mother the Car

CHAPTER 11: OUTSMARTED BY ANIMALS

Cette Panthére Est Trés Petite, Non? The Great Immobile Owl Meow, Baby Pssst . . . Dogs Don’t Get Representational Art And Then the Entire Town Imploded from the Weight of All the Puns Please, Think of the St. Bernards A Boner of a Regulation If You Give a Polar Bear a Cookie The Really Stupid Quiz Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

CHAPTER 12: POLITICAL PINHEADS

Spelling Lesson Not Clear On the “Have to Win People’s Votes” Thing Put Down That Comic Book! Well, Then, Stop Printing Them with Flavored Ink Vice Presidential Misprint The Chevy Chase Show

CHAPTER 13: ROMANCING THE STONED

When Not to Call the Police What If You Gave a Party and Nobody Came, Dude? Not Too Subtle Smuggler’s Blues Everybody Must Get Paranoid? Crack Is Wack A Case of Bad Crack She Flipped the Bird, He Flipped the Cuffs The Map to Idiotville When You’re Sniffing This Stuff, It’s Time for Rehab Dad, That’s My Coke! Another Meaning for Getting High Dude, Where’s My Car?

CHAPTER 14: SEX AND OTHER NAKED ACTIVITIES

When Lust Goes Overboard That Greasy Freak From the “Probably Too Dumb to Be True” File Old School Nudity A Hardcore Benefit Like Romeo and Juliet, with Ductwork A Little Bit of Road Rage The Really Stupid Quiz Coupling

CHAPTER 15: STUPIDITY IS MY BUSINESS, AND BUSINESS IS GOOD

Some Things You Just Can’t Give Away Trimming Justice A Bad Time to Be Out of Gas No Water for Me? Then No Tip for You “Nobody Asked” It’s Never Too Early to Develop Soul-Crushing Debt An Important Tip For Funeral Directors He Must Really Love His Staplers A Refreshing Moment of Honest, Corporate Greed Rabid Lawyer Put Down Malpractice or Monkey Business? You Must Be This Thin to Get Your Fish and Chips Forrest Gump

CHAPTER 16: THE THRILL OF VICTORY, THE AGONY OF STUPIDITY

Nothing Technical About This Knockout When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go Beer! Hockey Fans! What Could Possibly Go Wrong? The Rocket’s Red Wheeze Rumors of My Death Something, Something, Something A Promotion That’s Just Criminal The Really Stupid Quiz XFL

CHAPTER 17: TILL DUMB DO US PART

Goin’ to the Chapel and We’re Gonna Steal the Candleholders A Hot Time in the Old Car Inappropriate Use of Limos Abounds! He’ll Be Shopping for a Radiator Grille What? No Kid Named After Colonel Tom Parker? Maybe Catering Next Time? A New Spin on the “Shotgun Wedding” A Fishy Domestic Dispute Wayne’s World

CHAPTER 18: TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

Don’t Leave a Paper Trail Don’t Forget About the Dye Pack Don’t Be Early to Your Robbery Air Vents and Criminals Don’t Mix Know Your Technology Know the Law in Your Jurisdiction Pssst . . . They Can See You on the Internet Make Sure Your Fake Badge Doesn’t Say Something Stupid Just Take the Wallet and Run Hey Big Spender, Try Laying Low for a While Don’t Moon Over Your Sentence The Police Hang Out at the Courthouse Try Knocking First Thou Shalt Not Steal—Especially from God Keep It Down Cop Rock

CHAPTER 19: TRAVEL TRAVAILS

Naptime at 36,000 Feet Things Not to Leave in Your Rental Car Airport Insecurity In Man vs. Train, Bet on the Train Step Outside, Then Free Fall Empty Vessels Report the News, Don’t Make It We’re Sorry, This Is a No-Slapping Flight Don’t Rush Me The Really Stupid Quiz Supertrain

Answers The Last Page