How to Be a Person · The Stranger's Guide to College, Sex, Intoxicants, Tacos, and Life Itself by West, Lindy -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover Title Page Copyright PREFACE INTRODUCTION Just Calm Down, Don’t Freak Out, All Kinds of Things Are About to Happen to You 1. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT COLLEGE

How to Get Along With People Who Are Different from You How to Get Along With Roommates Who Are Different from You On Making Friends A Few Majors That You Should Not Major In Everything There Is to Know About Whatever Major You Choose (Or, Who Needs Classes?)

Physics Art Psychology Computer Science Theater Biology Chemistry Classical Music Literature Economics Journalism History Philosophy

What No One Else Will Tell You About Dropping Out

2. A GUIDE TO AMERICA

The Pacific Northwest The Midwest California The Southwest The South The Northeast The Mountains Alaska Hawaii

3. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT SEX AND DATING

How to Get With a Girl If You Are a Boy How to Get With a Boy If You Are a Girl How to Get With a Gay/Lesbian If You Are a Gay/Lesbian How to Get With a Bi/Trans/Differently Sexual Person If You Are a Bi/Trans/Differently Sexual Person How to Turn a Crush Into Something More How to Ask Someone Out How to Take Someone on a Romantic Date How to Kiss How to Successfully Put Your Parts in or on Another Person Different Sexual Positions You Need to Try in College How to Have a One-Night Stand How to Have Casual Sex How to Be in a Relationship Honesty Actually Is the Best Policy Cover Your Junk! How to Not Impregnate an Individual or Get Impregnated Yourself, and, Also Very Importantly, Not Get a Sexually Transmitted Infection (Because You Really Don’t Want That) A Little More About STIs How to Break Up With Someone How to Get an Abortion A Note on Polyamory

4. HOW TO BE GAY

What to Do If All Your Life You Have Secretly Wanted to Have Sex With Someone With the Same Private Parts as You A Note About Anti-Gay Bigots How to Come Out of the Closet Where to Go to College If You’re Gay The History of Gay People in a Few Paragraphs On Gay People Sleeping With Straight People How to Have Sex With a Man If You’re a Man

How to Have Oral Sex How to Have Anal Sex

How to Have Sex With a Woman If You’re a Woman

5. HOW TO SLEEP WITH YOUR PROFESSOR 6. SAVAGE LOVE, COLLEGE EDITION

So I Have This Roommate So I Have This Religion So I Just Discovered Anal Sex So I’ve Been Thinking About Polyamory So I Have These Parents So I Have This Kink So I’m in This Relationship and Something About the Sex Just Isn’t Right So I Think I Just Cheated So I Think I Just Got Raped So I Think I’m Pregnant So I Think I’m Trans So I’m a Virgin—Or My Partner Is

7. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT DRINKING

How to Deal With a Hangover How to Binge Drink Handy Synonyms for Being Drunk On Vomiting Handy Synonyms for Vomiting How to Get Roofied and Still Have a Good Time How to Drink Like an Adult On Drinking and Driving Beer: It’s All Good Wine: What the Hell’s the Deal? Why Do the Drinks at This Bar Cost So Goddamn Much?

8. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT DRUGS

Don’t Do Drugs! Okay? Seriously! Ever Marijuana Cocaine Methamphetamine Ecstasy LSD Mushrooms Heroin A Note That Could Save Your or a Friend’s Life A Final Word About Drugs

9. A FEW WORDS ABOUT MANNERS

A Few of the Basics How to Have a Conversation How to Take a Compliment How to Be a Guest at a Party How to Host a Party On Toilets

10. HOW TO DO LAUNDRY

How to Actually Do Laundry

11. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT FOOD

How to (Not) Be a Foodie So You’re a Vegetarian! A Really Easy, Really Pretty, Really Good Soup You Can Make With a Butternut Squash How to Make Tacos How to Make Very Tasty Pasta How to Make the World’s Best Macaroni and Cheese (With a Monogram on It!) How to Make an Impressive Entire Roasted Chicken Make Your Own Coffee! Organic Food: WTF?

12. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT MUSIC, BOOKS, AND ART

How to Be Into Music Without Annoying Everyone What the Albums in Your Dorm Room Say About You What the Art Posters in Your Dorm Room Say About You Everything You Need to Know to Successfully Flirt With a Film Nerd Spoiler Alerts for the Big Novels So You Can Flirt With English Nerds as If You’ve Already Read Them Books You Should Avoid

13. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT POLITICS

Getting Started How to Know If You’re a Republican or a Democrat Take It Easy on Tattooing Yourself in Your Beliefs When It’s Okay to Yell at Someone About Politics What No One Else Will Tell You About Feminism

Guess What? You Are a Feminist First-Wave Feminism: Maybe We Could Be Citizens Now? Second-Wave Feminism: Maybe You Could Stop Raping Us, Please? Third-Wave Feminism: Maybe I Like Rape! Shut Up! Maybe I Don’t! Shut Up! Postfeminism: Sexism Is Dead! Long Live Sexism! Stop Victim-Blaming! Stop Slut-Shaming! Gender Is a Social Construct: What ARE You!? Women Do Not Exist for the Purposes of Your Boner Male Privilege: It Is Real, and It Is Totally Bogus A Final Note: Yes, Indeed!

14. SOME FINANCIAL ADVICE COURTESY OF THE BIBLE

Eschew Credit Cards Get Thee Unto a Credit Union The Bible Further Suggests That You Get a Job Jesus Christ on a Bicycle, Don’t Buy a Car The Golden Rule and Beer

15. HOW TO USE A COMPUTER

Things the Internet Is Good For (Now) Things the Internet Is Not Good For (Yet) Trolls Be Trollin’ How to Twitter How NOT to Facebook Sexy, Sexy Pornos!!! SHOW ME YER BOOBZ How to Un-Spam Thyself How to Date People Inside Your Computer and Not Get Murdered

16. HOW TO WRITE GOOD

Three Great Sentences and What Makes Them Great What Not to Do

Don’t Use Clichés Don’t Waste Time Don’t Overwrite Don’t Use First Person Unless You Have To

How to Write a College Paper How to Write a Cover Letter How to Write Poetry

17. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT HEARTBREAK AND DEATH

How to Get Over a Broken Heart When Someone You Love Dies On Suicide

APPENDIX A. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT WORKING IN RESTAURANTS

What It’s Like Working for a Mom-and-Pop Bakery What It’s Like Working for a Chain Restaurant What It’s Like Working for a High-End Restaurant in London What It’s Like Working as a Restaurant Janitor What It’s Like Working as a Barista, an Incompetent Waitress, a Barely Competent Cook, and at a Shady Café

APPENDIX B. THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE THAT THERE ARE

People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of “Hobo” People Who Are Mean to Hoboes People Who Still Have Jobs People Who Are Quietly Less Than $100 Away from Complete Destitution People Who Secretly Have Vast Family Fortunes/Trust Funds to Keep Them from Ever Knowing Complete Destitution, or Even Mild Hardship People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns People Who Don’t Watch TV People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You’re Having People Who Studied Abroad in a Third-World Country People Who Are into Whimsy People Who Are White Who Call Black People “Brothas” When Talking to Other White People, as in, “A Lot of My Friends Are Brothas” People Who Are Old Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends Babies People Who Are Secret Hookers Recession Hookers People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice People Who Are Hot Greek Waiters People Who Smile at You on the Street People Who Don’t Know How to Drink People Who Are Only Interesting When They’re Drunk People Who Believe in Sasquatch People Who Don’t Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics Wizards Russians Russian Wizards People Who Let Their Cat Walk Across Their Kitchen Cutting Board, Even Though Those Are the Same Fucking Paws That Have Been Tramping Around That Shit-Filled Cat Box and I Don’t See a Kitty Foot-Washing Station Around Here, Do You? People Who Don’t Know How to Navigate a Four-Way Stop or an Uncontrolled Intersection Animals That Are Really People Who Got Transformed by a Witch People Who Think “Hipsters” Are a Thing People Who Are Just a Down-to-Earth Guy, Who Enjoys the Little Things in Life Like Going for Walks, Lifting Weights, or Just Doing Whatever (LOL), Whose Friends Would Probably Describe Him as Honest, Truthful, Loyal, Affectionate, Compassionate, and Romanceful, and Is Looking for a Woman Who Is That Rare Combination of Stunning on the Outside and Beautiful on the Inside, and Most Importantly Down-to-Earth, Enjoys the Little Things in Life, Loves Children, Animals, Has a Passion, Laughter. I Especially Like Asians People Who Try to Pretend Like They Already Knew the Story About Jimmy Stewart Smuggling a Yeti Hand out of Nepal in His Wife’s Underpants People Who Say, “Whole Foods? More Like Whole Paycheck!” People Who Just Threw Up in Their Mouth a Little Women American People of Irish Descent People Who Are Bill Paxton People Who Miss the Point People Who Don’t Miss the Point

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

About the Authors

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