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Index
Cover Title Page Copyright Dedication Table of Contents 1. Manny Bullpucky Gets His Sorry Butt Hurled Off the Marine Park Bridge 2. The Weird and Mostly Tragic History of the Schwa, Which Is Entirely True If You Trust My Sources 3. Quantizing the Schwa Effect Using the Scientific Method, and All That Garbage 4. Making Big Bucks off of Stealth Economics, Because Maybe I Got Some Business Sense 5. Which Is Worse: Getting Mauled by a Pack of Dogs, or Getting Your Brains Bashed Out by a Steel Poker? 6. As If I Didn’t Already Have Enough Annoying Things to Do Every Day, Now I Gotta Do This 7. The Lowest-Paid Male Escort on the Entire Eastern Seaboard, Except for Maybe the Bronx 8. Are Those Your Fingers in My Mouth, or Are You Just Happy to Not See Me? 9. Maybe They Had It Right in France Because Getting My Head Lopped Off by a Guillotine Would Have Been Easier 10. Earthquakes, Nuclear Winter, and the End of Life as We Know It, over Linguini 11. The Youngest Doctor in Sheepshead Bay Gets Held Hostage When He Least Expects It 12. A Horror Movie Blow-by-Blow, with the Undisputed Queen of the 3-B Club 13. A Russian Train, a Pulsing Vein, and My Mother’s Bag of Snails 14. More Than I Ever Wanted to Know About the Schwa’s Childhood 15. Vortex in Aisle Three—Can Someone Please Clean Up the Ectoplasmic Slime? 16. A Late-Night Trip to the Land of Beef That Could Turn a Person into a Vegetarian 17. A Traumatic Experience I’ll Live to Regret, Assuming I Live 18. Larger Than Life, in Your Face, Undeniable Schwa 19. The Schwa Gets Radiation Therapy in a Room That Doesn’t Smell Too Good No Matter How Much It’s Disinfected 20. The Weird Things Kids Do Don’t Even Come Close to the Weird Things Parents Do 21. Why I Started Vandalizing Brooklyn 22. My Anonymous Contribution to Popular Culture and to My Parents’ Phone Bill DISCUSSION QUESTIONS Special Excerpt from SHIP OUT OF LUCK
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