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Index
Cover Page
Praise for Leanne Shirtliffe and Don’t Lick the Minivan
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Contents
Introduction: A Rambling Preamble, or How This Came to Be
A word to the reader, or more precisely, 452 words to the reader
Get that train off your penis
Part One: Pregnancy and Birth, or Is This Really Happening?
So the accountant got her aunt to do some woo-woo on our unborn babies?
We’re in trouble if our doctor doesn’t know how women do it
You thought telling me I have good stats for a football player would be funny?
Do you think it’s heretical if I refer to myself as the Trinity?
Why do so many people say stupid things to pregnant women?
Can you imagine if Tarantino made a film about pregnancy and birth?
The Sappy Files, Part 1 (or Why My Kids’ Future Therapists Should Be Kind)
Part Two: The First Twelve Months, or The I-Barely-Remember Year
Please take these crying things away
Follow that car. My babies are in there
Can you stop selling boob-show passes to our guests?
Do you think they dropped our babies into a big vat of soup?
You spit at the taxi driver while pushing the stroller?
How long were those drunken women holding our babies?
We travel with our own dual airbags
I’m screwing up our kids
We’re scarring them for life
The Sappy Files, Part 2 (or Why My Kids’ Future Therapists Should Believe I’m Somewhat Sane)
Part Three: The Toddler Years, or Reasons to Start a Therapy Fund
We need to outwit, outlast, outnumber our kids
I’m swearing my way to cleanliness
Would you put your penis away?
Mommy will sneeze like Donald Duck if you pick up your toys
You don’t need clothes to be a dancer
The Sappy Files, Part 3 (or Why My Son’s Future Therapists Should Adore Him)
Part Four: Preschool, or Who Taught You That?
Eating kids’ Halloween candy is a community service
We can use the money from the kids’ account to pay the credit card bill
Did you pee on Minnie Mouse on purpose?
You can buy a baby at the hospital
It’s not an ice cream truck, it’s a vegetable truck
Hop on Pop, if you know what I mean
Who told you that you should breathe through your mouth when daddies poo?
The Sappy Files, Part 4 (or Why My Kids’ Future Therapists Should Believe I Don’t Need to Be Committed. Yet.)
Part Five: Kindergarten, or Why I Had a Breakdown
I put the mental in environmental
A homeless princess and a lion preparing for a flood, excellent choice of costumes
Her puke ruined the new car smell
Did you actually lick the tire?
Do you want to come to Stripper Barbie’s funeral?
If you can’t stop laughing, think of something sad, like dead puppies
I can’t cope anymore
The Sappy Files, Part 5 (or Why My Daughter’s Future Therapists Should Adore Her)
Part Six: Beyond Kindergarten, or Putting the Fun in Dysfunction
Stop using your straw to suck up spaghetti
You can’t shoot people in church
He put the hose down the vent and turned on the water
The next time you come out of that room, you’d better be bleeding
I love the sound of vacuuming up LEGO in the morning
I’ll smuggle some Pinot Grigio in the kids’ water bottles
The Sappy Files, Part 6 (or Why My Kids’ Therapists Should Have a Drink, Unless They’re Alcoholics, in Which Case Don’t. Blame. Me.)
The Post-Amble, or The Sappy-File Finale
The Final Sappy File (or Why I Need to Laugh)
Acknowledgments, or People I Didn’t Forget to Thank
Resources, or High Tech-y Stuff
Index, or A Completely Unhelpful but Accurate Classification
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