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Introduction: How Are You Going to Die?
Section One: Just Another Fat Fuck
One-Third the Size of a Cow Dressed as an Elephant
Disco Doc and English Voltage Blood Pressure
Official Permission to Go Crazy
Enter CrayRay—Fucking His Brains Out at the Swing Club While the Celibate Titter
Joining the Cult
Maybe I’ve Eaten Enough Great Food
Section Two: Losing It! 74.5 Pounds In 83 Days (0.9 Pounds a Day, 24.4% of Body Weight)
It’s Just a Goddamn Potato
Exercise—Climb Mount Everest for Butter
Potatoes Are Really Good
Piss and Spit
Corn Is Candy
From Potatoes to the New Year
From New Year’s Day to Halfway
You Say “Protein,” I Say “Fuck You!”
A Trip to the Doctor—About Halfway Through Cold and Hungry
From Halfway to All the Way
Rare and Appropriate—My Trick for Dieting Without Tricks
From Target to Birthday
You Say It’s Your Birthday? Well, It’s My Skinny Birthday, Too, Yeah
My New Favorite Foods Birthday Menu
Section Three: Eating Pizza Is Voting For Hillary
The Disappearing Magician
Don’t Excercise (Lose Weight ‘and’ Friends)
Tough Guys Don’t Dance
Higher than a Kite and Sicker than a Dog: Not Genetics—Just a Fat Fuck
Fuhrburger
Unethical Vegan? Plant Hole?
And, Oh Yeah, By the Way—My Hair Fell Out
So, What the Funk ‘Do’ You Eat?
“I Like Food Too Much to Eat Like You”
Time Travel
Food Is God
TV Cooking
Salt—More Proof That There’s No God
Half-Fasts
That’s Not Funny and It Doesn’t Taste Good
Finally Eating Like a Fucking Hippie
The Healing Power of Prayer
We Ate Like Idiots. We Need To Diet Like Idiots.
Potato Anniversary
Dear Penn
Withings Blood Pressure Cuff—Happy Valentine’s Day
Letter To the ‘Globe’ After Their Lying Article About My Weight Loss
No, Really, What the Fuck Do You Eat Like Normally?
About the Author
Copyright
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