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Index
Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
1. WE DIDN’T KNOW JAZZ CAMP WOULD BE THIS MANY DUDES
2. TRYOUTS DIDN’T GO GREAT
3. FINALLY A GIRL IS SIGHTED
4. NOPE, STILL AS COMPLICATED
5. YES CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO THE GIRL NOW
6. THE MEDIOCRE GENE KRUPA BAND PLAYS A BLUES IN F
7. THE THREE OF US BOND OVER DICK HARM AND THEN PLAY ACTUAL MUSIC
8. COREY LITERALLY EATS HIS TONGUE AND ASH LEARNS THE TRUE MEANING OF GARFUNKEL
9. RETURN TO THE JAZZ GULAG
10. AIR HORSE
11. MY PARENTS VERSUS COREY’S PARENTS
12. ASH BRIBES A RECEPTIONIST
13. THE ASH RAMOS THREE BOOKS THE PERFECT TASTE
14. A TURBULENT MORNING AT THE KNOXVILLE CLINTON
15. HOW TO TRADE YOUR REALLY NICE BUT POLICE-SUSPICION-AROUSING CAR FOR AN INFINITELY LESS NICE AND COME TO THINK OF IT PROBABLY ALSO POLICE-SUSPICION-AROUSING CAR IN THREE EASY STEPS
16. WE DRIVE INTO ALABAMA AND ALMOST GET MURDERED IMMEDIATELY
17. YEAH THERE WERE SHARDS OF GLASS IN THERE STILL
18. WE WERE THIS CLOSE TO DOING A MAROON FIVE COVER THAT WE HADN’T EVEN PRACTICED
19. SOMETHING REAL
20. HOW TO ESCAPE FROM A FAMILY THAT YOU THOUGHT WAS COOL WITH YOUR FREE-SPIRITED ADVENTUROUS LACK OF PARENTAL CONSENT BUT IS ACTUALLY CONTACTING THE POLICE IN FIVE EASY-TO-FOLLOW STEPS
21. WE MAKE A RUN FOR THE BORDER
22. THE BAND CHANGES ITS NAME TO “CAMPIG” AND THEN LOCATES THE MOST HURTING BAR IN A HUNDRED-MILE RADIUS
23. COREY ELEVATES HIS BEING-AN-UNSTABLE-MESS GAME TO A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL
24. YEAH BECAUSE MEANWHILE BACK AT ELLIE’S COOKIE HAS SOMEHOW JOINED OUR BAND
25. ALTHOUGH I WAS ABLE TO GET SOME SLEEP AFTER MASTURBATING INTO THE SINK AGAIN
26. MEET THE PRITCHARDS
27. I GUESS YOU WOULD CALL IT A DRUG EXPERIENCE GONE WRONG, EXCEPT WHAT WOULD IT MEAN FOR A DRUG EXPERIENCE TO GO RIGHT, LIKE WOULD THAT JUST MEAN SITTING AROUND KIND OF INERTLY BLISSING OUT TO THINGS, LIKE A HAPPY VEGETABLE, BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW, THAT SOUNDS EVEN WORSE, LIKE IT’S SORT OF LIKE PREPARING TO DIE AS HAPPILY AS POSSIBLE
28. THEN I HOISTED MYSELF OUT OF THE HOT TUB AND WALKED INTO THE HOUSE DRIPPING WET IN MY UNDERWEAR AND NO ONE EVEN BATTED AN EYE
29. MAYBE IT WASN’T A HUNDRED PERCENT BUT THERE WAS A GOODLY NUMBER OF GIRLS IN THERE
30. OBLIVION
31. DEEBO
32. AND I HEARD HIM MAKE A NOISE LIKE HAAARRRM,
33. DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS
34. SOMEHOW WE NO LONGER EVEN WORRIED ABOUT GETTING PULLED OVER EVEN THOUGH WE HAD VISIBLY BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT AND HAD NO RIGHT SIDE MIRROR
35. WE AWOKE TO A MONKLIKE, SHAVEN-HEADED MAN TAPPING THE DRIVER’S-SIDE WINDOW
36. THE HATERS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
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