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Imperial Library
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Index
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Contents
Dedication
Chapter 1: Pretty Much Everything I Do Is Inappropriate.
Chapter 2: It Means “Go Poop in the Ocean.”
Chapter 3: I Am a Genius. Earlier in the Day I Was an Idiot. That’s How It Is with Me.
Chapter 4: To Drew and Me, Mike Is That Red Swollen Thing on a Baboon’s Butt.
Chapter 5: That’s the Problem with Unmentionables. I Always Mention Them.
Chapter 6: I Hate Him Infinity.
Chapter 7: You Have, Like, the Worst Luck Ever.
Chapter 8: We Are in Deep, Serious Doody.
Chapter 9: It Is Beyond Unfair.
Chapter 10: Where Are the Delinquents?
Chapter 11: Performers Like Me Are Always Misunderstood.
Chapter 12: I Should Be the Bagel.
Chapter 13: When She Sneezes, Does It Ever Shoot Out Like a Ball at a Batting Cage?
Chapter 14: Abby Cadabra. (See How I Turned My Name into a Magic Reference? You’re Welcome.)
Chapter 15: Just Out of Curiosity, Is the Dalai Lama an Actual Llama?
Chapter 16: A Grown‑Up Has Never Apologized to Me. Never.
Chapter 17: Spoiler Alert.
Chapter 18: This Could Be a Disaster.
Chapter 19: I Am a Jerk.
Chapter 20: You’re a Star, Not a Meteor.
Chapter 21: No, What’s Crazy Is That You Lost a Whole Human Being and a Wheelchair.
Chapter 22: I’m in a Nutshell.
Chapter 23: Don’t Pretend You Didn’t Like Hannah Montana, Once Upon a Time.
Chapter 24: Has Tony Gone Beyond the Cliffs of Insanity?
Chapter 25: How Did I Not Notice This Hideous Deformity Before Now?
Chapter 26: Let’s Never Speak of This Again, and If You’ll Excuse Me, I Have to Go Fake My Own Death.
Chapter 27: Hyper as a Squirrel, That’s You.
Chapter 28: I Stink, Remember?
Chapter 29: Pretty? I’ve Seen Better Heads on Lettuce.
Chapter 30: At Least If I Fail, Most of These People Won’t Remember Me Tomorrow Morning. Some Won’t Remember Me in Ten Minutes.
Chapter 31: Keep Dreaming. My Grandpa Gives Me That for Scratching His Back.
Chapter 32: Something in His Voice Turns My Knees into Marshmallows.
Chapter 33: Is There a Psycho Killer Leaving You Threats on Your Closet Door?
Chapter 34: For the Most Part, However, It’s Pretty Much Mass Hysteria.
Chapter 35: It’s Not the Abby Show. It’s School.
Chapter 36: Your Hair, Your Life, Abby.
Chapter 37: I Knew You’d Be Upset, but I Didn’t Expect to Be Shot At with Grapes.
Chapter 38: Our Family Is More of an Onion Than Most.
Chapter 39: I Literally Have to Plan My Funeral, Because You’re Killing Me.
Chapter 40: What If One Crawls Inside My Mouth?
Chapter 41: I Have a Choice. I Always Did.
Chapter 42: How Could You Do This to Me?!
Chapter 43: He’s Done with Me. Forever.
Chapter 44: Three Words for Them. They. Are. Wrong.
Chapter 45: Mom, Most Teenagers Don’t Choose a Miniskirt Based on Whether It Hides Stretch Marks. You’re Not Fooling Anybody.
Chapter 46: I’m Dead.
Chapter 47: A Fruitarian. So She’s Not Jewish?
Chapter 48: I, Uh . . . I Like You. Like, Really Like You.
Author’s Note
Acknowledgments
About the Author
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