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Imperial Library
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Contents
News: Sales Manager Gets A Little Crazy At Office Party
News in Photos: Pet Winterized
Statshot: Most Popular Christmas TV Specials
Family: Emotionally Distant Family Spends Holidays Watching Touching Family Dramas Together
News in Brief: Company To Get Head Start On Christmas Layoffs This Year
Opinion: It’ll Be A Blue Christmas Without Stuff
News in Brief: Not Snowing Over Here, Man On Phone Reports
News: Jesus ‘Really Dreading’ This Next Birthday
News in Photos: Cardboard Snowflake Half-Heartedly Masking-Taped To Break-Room Door
News in Brief: Christmas Pageant Enters Pre-Production
Family: Marital Frustrations Channeled Through Thermostat
Tips: Winterizing Tips
Statshot: Top Temporary Holiday Stores
Family: Rising Home-Heating Costs Hitting Reptile Families Hardest
News in Brief: Parent Mad 6-Year-Old Didn’t Like Peanuts Special
Statshot: Most Popular Winter Holiday Decorations
Statshot: Preparing for Winter
News: Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!
Magazine
Hot Holiday Toys
News in Brief: Broke Dad Makes Son PlayStation 2 For Christmas
News: Activist Judge Cancels Christmas
News in Brief: Cretinous Reprobate Home For The Holidays
Statshot: The Online Shopping Boom
News: 95 Percent Of Opinions Withheld On Visit To Family
News in Brief: Coal Now Too Expensive To Put In Christmas Stockings
News in Brief: Santa Claus Killed In Electric-Razor Crash
Opinion: Another Lousy Christ-mas
News in Brief: MIT Think-Tank Develops 20 Great Gift Ideas
Local: Man Braves Freezing Weather To Cross Parking Lot
News in Brief: Vatican Employees Unable To Relax At Holiday Party With Pope Around
Infographic: Furby Fever
American Voices: Congress’ Pre-Christmas Cuts
News: Out-Of-Control Revelers Deck Shit Out Of Area Halls
Magazine
News: Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
News in Brief: World Inspired By First Snowman To Win Luge
American Voices: Christmas Trees More Expensive
Opinion: Secret Santas Are For Shit
News in Brief: McCain Stares at Screen, Attempts To Write Family Christmas Letter
Tips: Toy-Buying Tips for Parents
News in Brief: World’s Jews Celebrate Christmas With Ceremonial Re-Murdering Of Christ
News: Chicago Rolls Out Cold-Weather Prostitutes
News in Photos: Rommel, Hummel Dominate Parents’ Christmas List
News in Brief: Biden Winks After Offering To Buy Eggnog For White House Christmas Party
Opinion: Holiday Time Means Time For The Holiday Movies Time
News in Brief: Hanukkah Decorations Being Defaced Earlier Every Year
News: Rove Implicated In Santa Identity Leak
News in Brief: Attempt To Buy Gift For Boyfriend Results In Hatred Of Boyfriend
Statshot: How Are We Losing Holiday Weight?
News: Non-Widescreen Version Of DVD Received As Hanukkah Gift
News in Brief: Santa Signs Legislation To Help Special-Wants Children
Opinion: Wah, Wah, I Have Seasonal Affective Disorder
News in Brief: Quick, Painless Death Tops Holiday Wish List Of Local Veal Calf
News: Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors’ Treatment of Colds
News in Brief: Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time
News: Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5
Tips: Cold And Flu Prevention Tips
News in Brief: Department-Store Santa Told To Push Chinaware
News: Feds Uncover Secret Santa Ring
News in Brief: Fall Internship Pays Off With Coveted Winter Internship
Family: Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count
News: 2007 Holiday Cheer Brought To You By Toyota
News in Brief: Only Positive Statistic Of Year Announced
News: Christmas Brought To Iraq By Force
Statshot: Recalled Holiday Toys
News in Brief: Real-Life Grinch Celebrates ‘Hanukkah’
Opinion: The Pagan Deviltry Of The Christ’s Mass Holiday And How We Must Resist Its Temptation
News: Area Stores Stock Up On Shit
Statshot: Top Corporate Holiday Gifts
News in Photos: 44 Suspicious Packages Detonated Under White House Christmas Tree
News: Holiday Advertisers Seek Coveted Dicktard Demographic
News in Brief: Pony-Wanting Ron Artest To Be On Best Behavior Till Christmas
Opinion: How Very Special
Tips: Drinking Responsibly During The Holidays
News: Area Man Can Actually Feel The Advanced Vapor Action Working
Tips: Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies
Commentary: Why Can’t We Have A Nice Igloo Like The Meekitjuks Next Door?
News: Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
News in Photos: Nobody Touching Punch At CIA Christmas Party
Opinion: The Times That Try Jean’s Soul
American Voices: Holiday Travel Plans
News: Vacationing Woman Thinks Cats Miss Her
Horoscope: Your Horoscope
Family: Religious Cousin Ruins Family’s Christmas
News in Brief: Poor Kwanzaa Sales Disappoint Retailers
News: Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas
News in Brief: Dad’s Marine Corps Training Evident During Christmas-Present Opening
Opinion: It’s Christmas Time—And I’m In A Holi-Daze!
News: Important Christmas Lessons Already Forgotten
News in Brief: Natalee Holloway Makes New Year’s Resolution To Become Famous
News in Photos: Prescription Put In 2009 New Year’s Eve Glasses
News: Nation Struggles To Understand Why Area Pie Didn’t Come Out Right
Opinion: Ho! Ho! Ho! I Am God
News in Photos: Baby New Year Abandoned In Street
Family: Mom Brought To Tears By Thing Picked Up At Airport
News in Brief: Book Given As Gift Actually Read
News: Survival of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle
Opinion: It Is Not A Wonderful Life
Tips: Beating The Post-Holiday Blahs
American Voices: New Year’s Resolutions
News: Accountants Pack Times Square For Fiscal New Year
News in Brief: Leftover Christmas Billboard Stirs Seasonally Inappropriate Emotion
News in Brief: Child Bored With Christmas Puppy
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