Not "Just Friends" · Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Glass, Shirley P. -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Acknowledgments Introduction PART I: THE SLIPPERY SLOPE

Quiz: Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair?

1: I’m Telling You, We’re Just Friends

Being Attracted Means You’re Still Breathing Being Jealous Could Mean That You’re Tuned In Approaching the Slippery Slope

To Have and to Hold … Step 1 : Platonic Friendship/Secure Marriage Step 2: Intimate Friendship/Insecure Marriage

Walls and Windows Opportunity Is Everywhere

Danger Zone: Men and Women at Work! In Your Own Backyard Old Flames Burn Honest The Intimacy of the Internet

Quiz: Is Your On-line Friendship Too Friendly? The Prevention Myth Avoiding Fatal Attractions

2: Crossing into a Double Life

Step 3: Emotionally Involved Affair/Emotionally Detached Marriage Beginning a Double Life

Three Red Flags at the Threshold Commitment versus Permission

Step 4: The Sexually Intimate Affair/ The Threatened Marriage

What’s Happening in the Affair? What’s Happening in the Marriage?

When Sex Enters an Emotional Affair Complications of the Double Life

Lying Compartmentalizing Other Ways of Dealing with Internal Conflict

PART II: THE TRAUMA 3: Reaching the Moment of Revelation

Loss of Innocence Before Revelation: Secrets, Lies, and Suspiciousness

Avoiding Confrontation Unsuspecting Partners Tracking the Clues Warning Signs of Infidelity Being a Detective Hiring a Detective Confronting Your Suspicions When Accusations Are Denied

The Many Pathways to Discovery

Confessions The Informant Accidental Discoveries

The Immediate Aftermath

4: In the Wake of Discovery

Traumatic Aftershock: The Emotional Roller Coaster

Reactions of Betrayed Partners Reactions of Unfaithful Partners Reactions of Unmarried Affair Partners

Why Some People Are More Traumatized Than Others

Shattered Assumptions Individual Vulnerabilities in the Betrayed Partner Pre-existing Stressful Life Events The Nature of the Betrayal The Threat Continues

Establishing Safety: Stop and Share

Step 1 : Stop All Contact with the Affair Partner Step 2: Share All Unavoidable Encounters Step 3: Be Accountable

Surviving Day by Day

Develop Support Networks Practice Damage Control Lift the Lid a Little Bit

First Steps of Trauma Recovery Is It Worth the Pain?

5: Should You Pick Up the Pieces or Throw In the Towel?

Ambivalence Barometer: Walls and Windows

Walls Windows

Two on a Seesaw

Ambivalence in the Involved Partner Ambivalence in the Betrayed Partner Damage Control for Both Partners

Getting Off the Fence

Think Things Through Before You Act Questions Betrayed Partners Can Ask Themselves Questions Involved Partners Can Ask Themselves Other Considerations

Constructive Separation Ambivalence Therapy Do You Have the Right vpouse but the Wrong Therapist? Picking Up the Pieces

6: How to Cope with Obsessing and Flashbacks

Intrusion

Obsessing How to Deal with Obsessive Thoughts Flashbacks

Constriction Hyperarousal

Physiological Hyperarousal Emotional Hyperarousal Hypervigilance

New Crises

Uncovering Previous Lies Surviving Special Occasions Handling the Affair Partner’s Intrusions

Relapses

Triggers for Relapses Coping with Relapses

How to Take Care of Yourself

Reactivate Fulfilling Activities Look Out for Your Physical Health Look Out for Your Mental Health

7: Repairing the Couple and Building Goodwill

Repair 1 : Getting Back to Normal

Take Time Out for Fun and Companionship Make Love, Not War Recall Your Past Together Dream about Your Future Together

Repair 2: Fostering Positive Exchanges

Ways of Caring Express Appreciation

Enhancing Mutual Appreciation and Bull’s-eye Caring

Exercise: What Pleases Me about Your Exercise: The Newlywed Game

Resistance to Caring

Signs of Resistance Overcoming Resistance

Repair 3: Learning Compassionate Communication

Tool 1: Inhibit, Inhibit, Inhibit Tool 2: Play Ping-Pong Tool 3: Use “I” Messages as the Speaker Tool 4: Be a Good Listener

Creating an Empathic Process

PART III. THE SEARCH FOR MEANING 8: The Story of the Affair

Why It’s Important to Tell

Telling the Truth Rebuilds Trust Telling Releases the Secret Ties That Bind Telling Increases Marital Intimacy

How to Tell

Pitfalls to Avoid The Three Stages of Disclosure

What to Tell

Reconciling Different Perspectives and Mistaken Beliefs Questions to Answer

Search for Meaning

9: The Story of Your Marriage

Quiz: Relationship Vulnerability Map The State of the Union

Sexual Compatibility Inequity Power Struggles

From Niagara to Viagra

The Family Life Cycle The Marital Lifeline: A Unique History

Relationship Dances

Parent and Child Saint and Sinner Bully and Sneak Demand-Withdrawal Patterns How to Begin a New Dance

The Myth of the Low-Maintenance Marriage

10: Your Individual Stories

Quiz: Individual Vulnerability Map Individual Attitudes about Infidelity

Justifications and Excuses Premarital Sexual Permissiveness Entitlement Personal Deterrents Conflict between Values and Behavior

Running on Empty

The Need to Escape The Starving Ego The Need for Excitement

Echoes from the Past

Old Family Tapes Emotional Allergies Survivors of Childhood Abuse Attachment Styles

Passages and Growing Pains

New Roles Reluctant Grown-ups Midlife Reckonings Never Too Old

The Exception or the Rule?

Narcissism Antisocial Behavior Chronic Lying Hope for Change

11: The Story of Outside Influences

Quiz: Social Vulnerability Map Birds of a Feather Frolic Together

Occupational Vulnerability Faithless Friends The Family Tree

The World We Live In

The Double Standard Is Alive and Well Trends Sin Cities

12: The Story of the Affair Partner

Quiz: Single Woman’s Vulnerability Map The Story through the Lens of the Other Woman

Sophie’s Lost Friendship Peggy’s Lost Years

Power Balance: Who’s on Top?

Dependent Women Independent Women

The Guilt-Free Affair Getting to the Root of It

Family Triangles A Sexy Veneer A Heart of Gold

Lessons for the Affair Partner Lessons for the Couple

PART IV: THE HEALING JOURNEY 13: Healing Together

How Long Is It Supposed to Take?

Four Steps Forward and One Step Back Patience Is Essential

Completing Unfinished Business

Getting Rid of Reminders The Final Farewell The Unanswered Questions

Repairing the Damage

Mending the Trauma Wounds Reversing Walls and Windows Restoring Broken Trust Reclaiming Lost Territories

Cleaning Up the Fallout

Weaving Broken Threads with Family and Friends What to Tell the Children Life-altering Consequences

Reconstructing a Stronger Marriage

Addressing Relationship Vulnerabilities Learning New Dances

Forming a United Front

Shared Responsibility Shared Intimacy Shared Meaning Shared Vision of Monogamy

14: Forgiving and Moving Forward

What Is Forgiveness?

Clarifying What Forgiveness Is Not Defining What Forgiveness Is The Personal Benefits of Forgiveness Are Some Things Unforgivable?

Is There a Right Time to Forgive?

Forgiving Too Soon Beware of Pseudo-forgiveness

Why Can’t You Forgive Me?

Lingering Suspicion Reverberating Pain from the Past Accusatory Suffering Self-absorbed Unforgiving

Rituals of Forgiveness

Seeking Forgiveness Granting Forgiveness

Rituals of Recommitment

Courtship Renewing Vows

Forgive the Pain but Remember the Lesson

How Do We Know You Won’t Betray Again? What Choices Does the Betrayed Partner Have?

15: Healing Alone

I Never Intended to Be Just Another Statistic The Hard Adjustment

The Unfairness of It All The Financial Nightmare The Loneliness New Scenarios with Old Friends

Starting Over

Wallowing Never Gets You Anywhere The New Learning Curve The Dating Game

The Matter of Children

Breaking the Bad News Protecting Your Children from the Fallout

Survivors of Infidelity

Nancy: Always on Guard Kimberly: Bridge to a New Life Evan: Better the Second Time Around Heather: Becoming Whole Again

Living Well Is the Best Revenge Afterword: Mini-Guide to Safe Friendships and a Secure Marriage

Seven Facts You Need to Know about Infidelity What You Need to Know about Love Seven Tips for Preventing, Infidelity Critical Elements for Healing the Trauma of Infidelity Vulnerability Maps

Appendix: Resources Chapter Notes References

← Prev
Back
Next →

← Prev
Back
Next →