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Index
Cover
Title
Warning
Contents
Introduction
1 Defensive Dating
How to Determine If Your Date Is an Axe Murderer
How to Determine If Your Date Is Married
How to Determine the Gender of Your Date
How to Determine If Your Date Is a Con Artist
How to Fend Off an Obsessive Ex
How to Fend Off a Pickup Artist
How to Deal with a Date That Moves Too Fast
How to Stop Unwanted PDA
How to Escape from a Bad Date
Fake an Emergency
Slip Away Unnoticed
Slip Out the Window
Get Your Date to Leave
How to Survive if You have No One to Kiss on New Year’s Eve
If You Are with Others
If You Are Alone
How to Fend off an Unwanted Holiday Kiss
On Arrival
Underneath the Mistletoe
How to Survive a Workplace Romance
The Break-Up
How to Date a Vampire If You Are a “Morning Person”
How to Survive a Love Triangle with a Werewolf and a Vampire
How to Break Up With a Vampire
How to Get Over a Vampire
2 First Impressions
How to Spot a Fake
Breast Implants
Toupees
How to Survive a Fashion Emergency
Shirt Caught in Zipper
Splashed by a Taxi
Wine Stain
Lipstick Stain
Ripped Stocking
How to Treat a Pimple
How to Treat a Shaving Wound
Minor Cut
Major Laceration
How to Deal with Body Odor
How to Deal with Bad Breath
How to Prevent Bad Breath
How to Open a Bottle Without an Opener
Another Bottle
Lighter
Table Edge
Screwdriver, Spoon, Fork, or Knife
Belt Buckle
Deadbolt Lock
Fire Hydrant
In-Line Skate
Metal Pool Bridge
Vending Machine
How to Get Your Dog to Like Your Significant Other
How to Disguise Yourself As a Member of the Opposite Sex
How to Disguise Yourself As a Man
How to Disguise Yourself As a Woman
3 On The Date
How to Get an Emergency Reservation
Bribe
Sob Story
How to Save Your Date from Choking
How to Survive If You Have Excessive Gas
Gassy Foods to Avoid
How to Survive If Your Credit Card Is Declined
Talk with the Manager
Dine and Dash
Wash Dishes
How to Fend Off Competitors for Your Date
How to Treat a Black Eye
How to Treat a Broken Nose
How to Deal with a Drunken Date
How to Deal with “The Spins”
How to Vomit Correctly
How to Sober Up Fast
How to Prevent a Hangover
How to Carry a Date Who Is Passed Out
How to Survive If You Are Stopped by the Police
If You Are Arrested
How to Win a Bar Bet
Brandy Snifter and Cherry
A Race to the Finish
How to Get Into an Exclusive Night Club
4 Getting It On
How to Deal with a Bad Kisser
Too Aggressive
Too Passive
Too Wet
How to Deliver the Perfect Kiss
How to Remove Difficult Clothing
Back-Clasping Bra (with One Hand)
Front-Clasping Bra
Tight Boots
How to Fake an Orgasm
How to Detect a Real Orgasm
How to Create Privacy If Your Door Does Not Lock
Blockade a Door That Opens Inward
Blockade a Door That Opens Outward
Entry Alarm
Alternate Method
How to Deal with a Promiscuous Roommate
How to Silence Squeaky Bedsprings
Inappropriate Music for Sex
How to Survive If You Wake Up Next to Someone Whose Name You Don’t Remember
At Their Place
At Your Place
How to Survive the Walk of Shame
How to Avoid a Nightmare Hook-Up
How to Date Three People at Once
How to Hook Up in the Library
How to Disguise a Fart During Sex
How to Survive Calling Out the Wrong Name
How to Hide Unattractive Features
How to Treat Passion Injuries
Scratches
Bite Marks
Sprains and Strains
How to Survive a “Misfire”
How to Avoid a Misfire
Antiaphrodesiacs
Strange Animal Mating Habits
How to Survive Getting Stuck in a Position
How to Shush a Screamer
Appropriate vs. Inappropriate Things to Shout Out During Sex
How to Bring up Your Kink or Fetish
Unusual Sexual Fetishes
How to Survive Getting the Giggles
How to Avoid the Giggles
How to Have Sex in a Small Space
Airplane Lavatory
Elevator
Dressing Room
How to Have Sex Outdoors
While Hiking
At the Beach
How to Survive Falling Out of a Swing
If You Have Fallen Out
If You Are Falling Out
How to Survive Losing a Handcuff Key
How to Perform CPR
5 Relationship Survival Skills
How to Survive If You Run into Your Ex
How to Survive Meeting the Parents
How to Survive If You Forget a Birthday
How to Apologize When You Don’t Know What You’ve Done Wrong
Emergency Phrases for When You’re in the Doghouse
How to Survive Snoring
How to Find a Partner Who Is Less Likely to Snore
How to Prevent Snoring
How to Deal with a Cheating Lover
How to Have an Affair and Not Get Caught
If You Are Caught
How to Survive a Sex Scandal
How to Deal with a Child Walking in on You
How to End a Relationship
How to Stop a Wedding
6 It’s Over (Let’s Be Friends)
How to Confront a Cheating Partner
How to Respond When Your Girlfriend Cheats with Your Best Friend
Spot Check for Cheaters
How to Live with an Ex Until One of You Moves Out
How to Deal with Being Left at the Altar
Worst Breakup Lines
Signs You’re Having Breakup Sex
How to Break up with Your Boss
Breakup Texts
Signs You’re Not over Your Ex
Things Bachelors Don’t Have to Do
Spot a Liar
The 6 Ingredients of a Breakup E-mail
How to Steal Your Stuff Back
Checklist for Getting Her to Break up with You
7 Wallowing
How to Treat Red, Puffy Eyes
How to Cry in Public
Breakup Food Servings
Signs Your New Partner is on the Rebound
Things You Can Do with a Tattoo of Your Ex’s Name
How Not to Drink Alone
Hangover Remedies
How to Sabotage Your Ex’s New Relationship
Who to Talk to if You Are Lonely
How to Camouflage Yourself Outside of Your Ex’s Home
In Plain View
Out of Sight
Make a Voodoo Doll
Most Common, But Useless, Breakup Advice
8 Moving On
Personality Types to Avoid
How to Dance on a Bar
Places NOT to Dance on a Bar
Make Your Bed Feel Fuller
How to Make Your Online Profile More Alluring
Personal Ad Photo Decoder
How to Deal with Seeing Your Ex for the First Time After the Breakup
Turn Your Apartment Back Into a Bachelor Pad
Eating Out Alone
How to Treat Gym Addiction
Restock the Fridge
Divorce Rates by Country
How to Regain Your Confidence
9 Tying The Knot
How to Raise Money For the Wedding
How to Make Your Betrothed’s Parents Like You
How to Survive the Bachelor Party
How to Smoke a Cigar
How to Survive a Night in Jail
How to Survive the Bridal Shower
How to Make a Toilet Paper Dress
How to Make a Bow Bouquet
How to Fix the Bride’s Wedding Attire
Stained Dress
Dress Wet from Rain
Broken Strand of Pearls
Broken Heel
Emergency Up-Do Hairstyle
How to Fix the Groom’s Wedding Attire
Tux Too Small
Split Seam
Lost Bow Tie
Emergency Cuff Links
Emergency Cummerbund
Prevent Perspiration Stains from Showing
How to Treat a Panic Attack
How to Avoid a Nervous Breakdown During the Wedding
How to Maintain Composure During the Ceremony
Crying Jag
Laughing Fit
Hiccups
Flatulance
How to Survive if Someone Objects
How to Break Up an Argument
How to Deal with Lost Rings
How to Make an Emergency Ring
How to Deal with Wedding Night Jitters
How to Revive Your New Spouse
How to Survive a Honeymoon Disaster
Extreme Sunburn
Migraine Headache
Acute Tongue Injury
Food Poisoning
How to Deliver a Baby in a Taxicab
If the Feet Come First
How to Survive if You Forget Your Anniversary
How to Sleep on the Couch
Wedding Survival Checklists
Appendix
The “It’s Not You, It’s Me” Letter
Useful Excuses
Pickup Lines to Avoid (or Use)
Guide to Body Language
Good Signs
Bad Signs
“Birds-and-Bees” Speech
Acknowledgments
About the Authors
Copyright
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