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Index
Title
Copyright
Contents
Introduction
1 How the West Was Lost: Misadventures in Exploration
Worst Attempt to Make a Name as a Great Explorer
Shortest Space Programme
Least Successful Bonding Exercise
Least Successful Hunting Party
Least Successful Attempt to Cross Australia
Least Successful Expedition by Camel
Most People Lost While Searching for a Lost Expedition
Least Successful Transatlantic Crossing by Aeroplane
Worst Attempt to Found a Colonial Empire
Least Successful Arctic Rescue Mission
Fool’s Gold
Least Observant Explorer
Most Inaccurate Discovery of a Mountain Range
Most Inaccurate Discovery of a Mountain Range: Runner-Up
Least Successful Balloon Trip
Least Successful Surveyor
Most Futile Attempt to Find a Lost Tribe
Least Convincing Denial over Eating One’s Crew
Worst Survival Skills
Most Predictable Outcome of Plucky British Amateurism
Most People Lost While Looking for a Lost City
Cosmic Martyrs
Worst Attempt to Climb Mount Everest
2 Standing on the Shoulders of Midgets: Scientific Losers
Least Accurate Scientific Textbook
Least Accurate Attempt to Date the Earth
“Hard Luck” Scheele
Most Accident-Prone Astronomer
Least Successful Horoscope
Least Comprehensible Scientific Paper
The Wrong Chemistry
Most Failed Attempts to be Named in a Scientific Textbook
Least Convincing Attempt to Prove God’s Work in All Its Glory
Most Pointless Lines of Research by Someone Who Should Have Known Better
Second-Most Pointless Lines of Research by People Who Should Have Known Better
The Man Who Discovered the N-Ray
Least Successful Weatherman
The Nearly Man of Computing
The Evolutionist Who Wasn’t Darwin
Worst Science Pundit
Most Convincing Surrender to Newton’s Law of Gravity
The Forgotten Man of Forensics
Most Successful Attempt to Destroy a Reputation as a Great Scientist
Most Prolific Inventor of Things that Should Never Have Got Off the Drawing Board
3 Who Dares Loses: Business Blunders, Bankrupts and Brand Disasters
Most Flawed Get-Rich-Quick Scheme
Worst Follow-Up to a Great Idea
Best Get-Poor-Quick Scheme
Most Expensive Failure to Spot a Lemon
Least Successful Celebrity Endorsement
Least Successful Celebrity Endorsement: Runner-Up
Least Credible Economic Growth Plan
Biggest Business Boob
Least Credible Self-Improvement Guide
Worst Business Brain Behind a Global Brand Name
Worst Business Brain Behind a Global Brand Name: Runner-Up
Least Successful Trade Minister
The Real Thing
Quickest Route to Financial Suicide
Least Consumer-Friendly Product
Least Successful Branding: the Main Contenders
You’re Never Alone in a Cancer Ward
Least Convincing Tourist Campaigns
Most Expensive Typo
Most Failed Attempts to Turn a Great Idea into a Profitable Business
4 Defeat from the Jaws of Victory: Great Military Losers
Most Underachieving Invasion Force
The (War) Elephant in the Room
Bravest Attempt to Defeat an Enemy with a Tin of Biscuits
King Harold: Runner-Up at Hastings
Worst Military Decision
Least Intimidating Declaration of War
Most Underperforming Battleship
Worst Military Aircraft
Most Literal Taste of Defeat
Least Convincing Excuse for a War
Most Futile Display of Bravery
Least Successful Espionage Mission
Worst Expeditionary Force
Unluckiest Invasion Fleet
Least Successful Tactical Withdrawal
Quickest Surrender
Most Pointless Cavalry Charge
Longest War Without Anyone Getting Hurt
Most Clueless US Commander
Most Embarrassing Friendly Fire Incident
Most Disastrous Lack of Strategy
Most Embarrassing Intelligence Failure
Most Embarrassing Intelligence Failure: Runner-Up
Most Useless British General
Most Expensive Napoleonic Complex
Most Expensive Napoleonic Complex: Runner-Up
Most Desperate CIA Cold War Ploy: Part 1
Least Effective Attempt to Create a Good First Impression
Most Desperate CIA Cold War Ploy: Part 2
Least Convincing Weapon of Mass Destruction
Most Prolific Inventor of Completely Useless Military Gadgets
Most Desperate CIA Cold War Ploy: Part 3
Most Flawed Use of Pets as Anti-Tank Devices
5 From Bard to Worse: Losers in Art and Entertainment
Hot Doggerel: the World’s Worst Poet
Rubbish by Royal Appointment: Worst Poet Laureate
Worst Poetic Tribute to a Root Vegetable
The Ode Less Travelled
Least Successful Attempt to Spot a Great Writing Talent
Worst Published Author of Pulp Fiction
Least Perceptive Creator of Character with Superhuman Powers of Perception
Most Pointless Literary Hoax
Worst Published Author
Most Pointless Work of Literature
Worst Science-Fiction Writer
Most Non-PC Travel Guide
Worst Foreign Language Phrasebook
Worst Stage Actor
“Is This a Banana Skin I See Before Me?” Most Accident-Prone Show
Least Successful One-Man Show
Least Successful Opening
Least Successful Audience Participation
Least Successful Animal Act
Most Disappointing Magic Act
Worst Broadway Play
Biggest West End Flop
Least Convincing Psychic Act
Least Convincing Psychic Act: Runner-Up
Least Successful Eulogy
Least Talented Opera Singer
Most Accident-Prone Opera Singer
Least Successful Stage Introduction
Least Dignified Stage Exit
Most Self-Deluded Artist
Rags to Riches . . . to Rags
Most Embarrassing Oscar Nomination
Biggest Box-Office Bomb
Least Successful TV Show
Worst Film Director
6 Disorder in Court: Criminal Losers
Most Inept Executioner
The Defence Rests . . . in Peace
Least Accurate Sentencing by a Judge
Most Inappropriate Summing Up
Most Inept Wild West Outlaw
Least Successful Display of Impartiality by a Juror
Most Incompetent Assassin
Least Successful Courtroom Defence
Least Successful Courtroom Defence: Runner-Up
Most Accommodating Assassination Target
Least Successful Invocation of God’s Word to Avoid a Motoring Fine
Least Perceptive Prison Guards
Least Successful Prison Breakout
Most Failed Attempts to Kill a Political Leader
Most Clueless Burglar
Most Badly Planned Robbery
Most Badly Planned Robbery: Runner-Up
Least Profitable Till Raid
Least Successful Counterfeit Operation
Least Successful Unfair Dismissal Claim
7 Quacking Up: Medical Losers
The Forgotten Man of Medicine
Least Successful Amputation of a Limb
Worst Contribution to Medical Science
Least Credible ’Ology
Least Successful Attempt to Find a Cure for VD
Worst Royal Doctor
Briefest Career in Dentistry
8 Slower, Lower, Weaker: Great Sporting Losers
The Phantom of the Open
Least Successful Attempt to Play a Water Hazard
Most Expensive Caddie Error
Worst Choke in Open Golf
Worst Golf Jinx
Least Successful Attempt to Organize a Title Fight
Unluckiest Boxer
Most Controversial Boxing Defeat
Least Successful Professional Boxer
Most Successful Attempt to Shorten a Test Career
Most Easily Dismissed Batsman
Worst Bowling Figures
Most Boring Batsman
Worst Loss of an Unassailable Lead
Slowest Racehorse
Least Successful Race Fix
Least Successful Horse Race
Worst Jockey
Least Successful Racehorse Owner/Breeder
Least Successful Investment in a Racehorse
Worst Tennis Player
Least Successful Interpretation of “Non-Contact Sport”
Slowest Out of the Blocks
Chariots of Dire: Worst Olympic Marathons
Longest Time Taken to Complete an Olympic Marathon
Worst Olympic Team Performance
Worst Olympic Track-and-Field Team
Least Harmonious Display of Sporting Unity
Least Harmonious Display of Sporting Unity: Runner-Up
Most Generous Use of the Term “Sprinter”
Worst Professional Football Team
Least Successful Attempt to Treat an Injured Player
Worst Goalkeeping Début
Most Embarrassing Tournament Exit
We’re Kicking Which Way?
Least Successful Attempt to Organize a Fixture List
Most Sensitive Referee
Five Most Pathetic Excuses for Losing a Game of Football
Worst Losing Streak as a Football Manager
Most Expensive Own Goal
Least Successful Attempt at Keeping Discipline
Least Successful Impact Substitution
Sore Losers: Football’s Top Five
Worst Bullfighter
Briefest International Rugby Career
Worst Sailor
Worst Chess Player
Worst Wrestler
When Fighting Nicknames Go Bad
Least Successful Medal Ceremony
Worst Olympic Swimmer
Least Successful Channel Swimmers
Where Eagles Daren’t
Ten Gambling Losers
Ten Most Creative Excuses for Failing a Dope Test
9 Close, but No Cigar: a Litany of Losers
Most Failed Election Candidate
Least Perceptive Electorate
Least Successful Diplomatic Mission
Worst Inaugural Speech
Least Successful Prediction of an Election Outcome
Least Successful Election Campaign
Least Dignified Exit from Office by a French President
Least Dignified Exit from Office by a French President: Runner-Up
Most Creative Excuse for Losing an Election
Shortest Time in Office
Dead as a “Didus Ineptus”
Least Convincing Display of Supernatural Powers
Least Successful Declaration of Independence
Least Successful Cult
Briefest Career as a Deity
Least Successful Attempt to Spot a News Scoop
Worst Call by an Academic Expert
Least Successful Missionary
Strangest Losing Bet
Least Successful Picnic
Least Successful Reward Claim
Egrets, I’ve Had a Few: Shortest Career as a Celebrity Chef
The End of the World Isn’t Nigh: Ten Failed Apocalyptic Predictions
Appendix I: Harry Stephen Keeler Bibliography
Appendix II: Selected Poems of Amanda McKittrick Ros
Appendix III: Selected Poems of William Topaz McGonagall
Appendix IV: Extract from The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis
Further Reading
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