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Index
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Introduction
1 - “JUST IN CASE”
2 - HOW TO PURCHASE, MAKE, AND SERVE TOO MUCH FOOD
3 - HOW TO CHANGE YOUR NAME
4 - THE TEMPLES
5 - HOW TO OBTAIN AND MOUNT A MEZUZAH
6 - LEARN TO EMBRACE FIDDLER
7 - HOW TO ORDER CANTONESE FOOD
8 - USE THE JEWISH CALENDAR!
9 - USE THE BIBLE TO TELL IF YOUR WIFE IS UNFAITHFUL
10 - HOW AND WHY TO MAKE CHOPPED LIVER
11 - HOW TO WRITE AND SPEAK LIKE A RABBI IN 1953
12 - HOW TO PUT YOUR YARMULKE ON SO IT STAYS ON
13 - HOW TO BE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU INSIST ON CALLING IT
14 - THE MAJOR HOLIDAYS
15 - THE OTHER HOLIDAYS
16 - HOW TO NOT ACCEPT THE FIRST TABLE YOU’RE SHOWN TO AT A RESTAURANT
17 - CIRCUMCISION: TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE TIP
18 - DIG THAT MESHUGGE KLEZMER!
19 - HOW AND WHY TO DEFLECT A COMPLIMENT
20 - SO YOU WANT TO HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT . . . ISLAM
21 - LET’S GET A TRADITIONAL DIVORCE
22 - WORRYING I How to Worry
23 - WORRYING II What to Worry About
24 - HOW TO GIVE A BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT
25 - CHILLIN’ AND ILLIN’ WITH TEFILLIN
26 - THE ORIGINAL BAM! The Basics of Mah-Jongg
27 - REASONS, IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING, TO STILL HAVE A BAR MITZVAH
28 - INTRODUCTION TO HONDLING
29 - LEARN TO WHISPER SO THAT EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU (AND THEN DENY THAT YOU ...
30 - HOW TO BUILD A SUKKAH
31 - SO YOU WANT TO HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT . . . ANTI-SEMITISM AND HOLOCAUST DENIAL
32 - LET’S KEEP KOSHER, FINALLY!
33 - DISCIPLINE YOUR SON THE OLD TESTAMENT WAY
34 - HOW TO RECOGNIZE A NO-GOODNIK
35 - FRINGE BENEFITS: THE TALLIT
36 - HOW TO SACRIFICE A LAMB UNTO THE LORD
37 - SO YOU WANT TO HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT . . . CHRISTIANITY
38 - WHAT ARE THOSE ICKY JEWISH DISHES AND DO I HAVE TO EAT THEM?
39 - THE MITZVOT
40 - HONOR THE SABBATH. IT WOULDN’T KILL YOU.
41 - USE A SLING TO INCAPACITATE YOUR ENEMIES!
42 - LET’S SUMMER IN THE CATSKILLS IF THEY’RE STILL THERE
43 - BEYOND HIP, ALREADY: YIDDISH
44 - HOW TO BUILD AN ARK (Just in Case)
45 - LEARN THE KABBALA (OR MAKE YOUR OWN!)
46 - HOW TO PACK FOR A WEEK IN FLORIDA
47 - RAISE YOUR DAUGHTERS THE OLD TESTAMENT WAY
48 - THE MIKVAH: COME ON IN! THE WATER’S PURE.
49 - INTRODUCTION TO THE SHOFAR
50 - FIVE PICKLES EVERY JEW SHOULD KNOW FROM
51 - FLAUNT CONTRADICTORY OPINIONS ABOUT THE AFTERLIFE!
52 - A (JEWISH) STAR IS BORN The Magen David
53 - HUMILITY NOW!
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