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Imperial Library
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Index
Cover Page
Title Page
Dedication
Table of Contents
Babies Are a Pain in the Eardrum
There’ll Be No Stepping Up in My Absence. None.
Words Made of Churning Bubbles of Intestinal Gases Are Not Words. They’re Sewage.
The Missing Link Is Not So Missing Anymore
There Is No Excuse for Guys Named Thunder Who Stand on Windy Cliffs
Step Away from the Dinginess
Rules Were Made to Be Spoken. Out Loud.
Clear Your Head of Googly-Eyed Puppies
Amateur Orthodontia Is Not Permitted in the Cafeteria
Time to Panic
If You Must Cheat Death, Remember to Tell Your Boyfriend About It Later
Rule by Humiliation. You Know, in the Name of World Peace.
Sparkles Are for Good Witches of the North and LameWizard Lovers
Silence Is Genius
Backyards Full of Trees Are Poltergeist Movies Waiting to Happen
Storybook Cottages Belong in Storybooks
I ♡ Icktopia
Paddling Pools Can Hold a Guinea Pig’s Attention for Only So Long
Guinea Pigs Should NOT Smell Like Rabbits
“I’ll Be the Sandbar Beneath Your Feet” Is Not a Song
Frolicking Puppy Wallpaper Can Protect You from Exactly Nothing
Bad Jokes Come Before Boston Creams
Nothing Mops Up Brain Sweat Like a Good Book
Life Swapping Not Recommended
You Gotta Know When to Fold ’Em
Sometimes a Cigar Is Just a Cigar
If Your Father Loves You Enough to Paint You a Thundering Stallion, It’s Your Duty to Never Look Away
Don’t Judge a Book by Its Hot-Pink Cover
Acknowledgments
Copyright
About the Publisher
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