The Adventures of Isabel by Candas Jane Dorsey -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Isabel met an enormous bear,

1. Postmodern dilemmas 2. Changes in attitudes, changes in latitudes 3. Underwear my baby is tonight? 4. With the Bentfin Boomer Boys . . . 5. Getting tight with Katharine Hepburn 6. Delirium tremendous 7. Prozac tomorrow? 8. Love of money is the root of all evil 9. Fish sticks 10. Had a cat once — tasted like chicken

Isabel, Isabel didn’t care.

11. The sound of money and circumstance 12. I’ll have it in fifties and threes 13. Roger 14. She should have died hereafter 15. A white sports coat and a pink carnation 16. Vicki’s story 17. Long distance truck driver seeks companion on long trips; will teach to drive 18. Little ship of dreams

The bear was hungry, the bear was ravenous,

19. The stories of the street are mine 20. Enter, a murderer? 21. Regular price, five bucks, five bucks, five bucks 22. Hen hao mao

The bear’s big mouth was cruel and cavernous.

23. The subplot? 24. The subplot, really 25. Meanwhile, in another part of the forest 26. Oh yeah, a subplot 27. What the postman . . . er, letter carrier . . . saw 28. I received your postcard today from Waikiki . . . 29. Who called Roger Rabbit? 30. Chicken or fish . . . ?

The bear said, Isabel, glad to meet you,

31. Sensible footwear 32. Kissing cousins 33. Surprise party 34. Okay 35. Hands across the water, hands across the sky 36. The subplot?

How do, Isabel, now I’ll eat you!

37. Not a cat thing 38. Saatana perkele 39. Later? Come on 40. Just the facts, ma’am 41. Sign right here on the dotted line

Isabel, Isabel, didn’t worry,

42. Not a virgin . . . 43. Looking at the list 44. The double shuffle 45. Somewhere over the rainbow

Isabel didn’t scream or scurry.

46. Little boxes made of ticky-tacky 47. “YMCA, I wanna hear it for the YMCA . . .” 48. Tabernac 49. Into the jaws of death, into the mouth of hell, rode the six hundred 50. Lost, up in no-man’s land . . .

She washed her hands and she straightened her hair up,

7951. Does it hurt when I do this? 52. Set the controls for the heart of the sun 53. Better living through chemistry 54. “I’m a soul man . . .” 8555. “It’s me, it’s me, O lord, standing in the need of prayer” 56. “Then I got thrown out of chu’ch fo’ talkin’ ’bout ditty-wah-dittie too much . . .” 57. Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Then Isabel quietly ate the bear up.

58. Don’t make promises you can’t keep 59. Ears pierced while you wait 60. A great lord’s kitchen without fire in’t . . . 61. Every silver lining has a cloud

Isabel met a hideous giant,

62. Galactic hero or not, somebody has to feed the cat 63. Once more Unto the breach, dear friends . . . 64. Epiphany: not a holiday in December 65. Mr. Big & Tall 66. Beau lad

Isabel continued self-reliant.

67. A truly Canadian fight

The giant was hairy, the giant was horrid,

68. Pieces of sky 69. You were waiting for this number, weren’t you? 70. I’m the snail with the mail . . .

He had one eye in the middle of his forehead.

71. Silence in the court 72. An aside 73. Lance’s story 74. Now, does that make sense to you? 75. À nos moutons 76. Gravity switchback railway (69 redux)

Good morning, Isabel, the giant said,

77. What the postman saw, redux 78. . . . although . . . 79. “You . . . turn me upside down . . .” 80. Soul searching 81. Soul on Patrol

I’ll grind your bones to make my bread.

82. Breaking the fourth wall: a meditation 83. And again, with feeling 84. Fourth wall redux 85. What happened was . . . 86. Finding Mendelson Joe isn’t easy 87. How did you find Miss Vikki? Hey, I walked in and there she sat . . . 88. Goin’ downtown with my hat in my hand /. . . might as well be lookin’ for a needle in the sand . . . 89. Vikki’s story 90. Translation 91. Shocking neglect of the subjunctive

Isabel, Isabel, didn’t worry, Isabel didn’t scream or scurry.

92. Lance a lot 93. Is that anything like going home in a huff?

She nibbled the zwieback that she always fed off,

94. Betty Crocker is dead 95. Flow my (charts), the (amateur) police(wo)men said 96. Schrödinger’s cops

And when it was gone, she cut the giant’s head off.

97. Kissing cousins redux 98. When we returned home . . .

Once in a night as black as pitch Isabel met a wicked old witch.

99. Strange bedfellows 100. Dick-equivalent 101. The Soul Patrol so far 102. “Oh boy, oh joy, where do we go from here . . .” 103. “Over to you, Ray Bellew . . .”

The witch’s face was cross and wrinkled,

104. Cherchez la flim-flam femme

The witch’s gums with teeth were sprinkled.

105. eware of all enterprises that require new clothes 106. Something in the way she moves . . . 107. An Essay on Man (“which includes Woman, of course”)

Ho ho, Isabel! the old witch crowed, I’ll turn you into an ugly toad!

108. And another thing . . . 109. Lies and consequences

Isabel, Isabel, didn’t worry, Isabel didn’t scream or scurry,

110. “Who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?” 111. “When I regained consciousness . . .” 112. When I regained consciousness, redux 113. “The arm-bone is connected to the shoulder-bone . . .”

She showed no rage and she showed no rancor,

114. Full disclosure 1: Boring

But she turned the witch into milk and drank her.

115. Full disclosure 2: No comment 116. Full disclosure 3: Happy happy happy all the time 117. Full disclosure 4: Truth and reconciliation 118. Full disclosure 5: Thelma goes back to church 119. Full disclosure final: are you crazy? 120. “Goodbye, Hank Williams, my friend / I didn’t know you, but I’ve been places you’ve been”

Isabel met a troublesome doctor,

121. 231It ain’t over ’til it’s over 122. The devil’s body parts 123. My Mendelson Joe 124. Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, redux

He punched and he poked till he really shocked her.

125. “Bad habits are hard to break . . .” 126. “Calling all angels: walk me through this one; don’t leave me alone . . .”

The doctor’s talk was of coughs and chills, and the doctor’s satchel bulged with pills.

127. . . he punched and he poked . . . 128. Give me all your money in a brown paper bag

The doctor said unto Isabel, Swallow this, it will make you well.

129. Sightseeing in the clinic of Dr. Doom 130. I love it when a plan comes together

Isabel, Isabel, didn’t worry, Isabel didn’t scream or scurry. She took those pills from the pill concocter, and Isabel calmly cured the doctor.

257131. “Chain chain chain, chain of fools . . .” or, at least, evidence 132. You don’t shear the sables to get the hair for the brushes, you kill them. 133. “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” 134. The future, not long after 135. Meanwhile, back in the present 136. As expected . . . 137. A toast to Maddy 138. Going in opposite directions, redux 139. The last word in mysteries 140. Courage, dear reader, we near . . .

Acknowledgements T275he Adventures of Isabel About the Author Copyright

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