Log In
Or create an account ->
Imperial Library
Home
About
News
Upload
Forum
Help
Login/SignUp
Index
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Contents
PREFACE
CHAPTER 1 INTRODUCTION: THE BURDEN
I. FIRST PERSON: GIVE ME SOME SKIN
II. AZTEC SACRIFICE: FOOD FOR THOUGHT
III. DEFINITION OF TABOO: SHUT UP
IV. SPITTING: DAYS OF PHLEGM
V. THE POINT: TABOOS = BAD
CHAPTER 2 NASAL MUCUS: STILL PICKING
I. FIRST PERSON: THE MUCUS IN ME
II. WHAT IT IS: BOOGER, M.D.
III. THE TABOO: GROW UP
IV. ITS ORIGIN: HANKY PANKY
V. REPERCUSSIONS: WHERE DID MY SEPTUM GO?
CHAPTER 3 EXCREMENT: AMERICA DOESN’T KNOW SHIT
I. FIRST PERSON: DOING IT WRONG
II. WHAT IT IS: GOOD SHIT
III. THE TABOO: POTTY HUMOR
IV. ITS ORIGIN: FILTHY FOREFATHERS
A. Ancient Times: Gods of Poo
B. The Middle Ages: Mountains of Poo
C. 1700–1900: Don’t Look at My Poo
D. Twentieth Century: Don’t Even Say Poo
V. REPERCUSSIONS: ANAL RETENTIVE
A. Facilities: Lazy Shits
B. Technique: Spread and Lift
C. Cleansing: Poo Butt
D. Holding It: Learn to Love Again
E. The Environment: Crapping on the Fish
F. Abroad: Crapping on Third-World Children
G. History: Hidden Turds
CHAPTER 4 SEX I: WHAT IT IS: SEX IS GOOD
I. FIRST PERSON: A SEX DRIVE TO NOWHERE
II. DEFINITION: VAGINA MEET PENIS
III. A BASIC HUMAN NEED: PURITY IS MISERY
IV. WOMEN AND MEN HAVE DIFFERENT SEX DRIVES: FUCKING TO LOVE AND LOVING TO FUCK
A. The Differences: Fake Boobs and Fake Rolexes
B. The Evidence: Slutty Men Are Everywhere
V. HOMOSEXUALITY IS BIOLOGICAL: GOING GAY IN THE UTERUS
A. The Evidence: Manatee Man Love
B. The Religious Argument: Stop Being Gay
VI. CHILDREN ARE SEXUAL: HELLO, PUBERTY STARTS BEFORE AGE EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER 5 SEX II: THE TABOO: SEX IS BAD
I. EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM: PREMARITAL SEX MAKES YOU CRAZY
A. Arguments for Ignorance: Keep ’Em Dumb
B. The Curriculum: Be Prepared to Die
II. CENSORSHIP: BE QUIET SO THEY DON’T FIGURE IT OUT
III. CRIMINALIZATION OF SEX: HAPPY HOOKERS, HAPPY JOHNS, AND MAD MORALISTS
CHAPTER 6 SEX III: ITS ORIGIN: DISTORTING JESUS
I. AMERICAN PRUDE
II. OUR GENETIC RELATIVES: SEX WAS FUN
III. EVOLUTION: HELP ME RAISE THIS THING
IV. AGRICULTURE: WIVES FOR SALE
V. ANCIENT ROME: HERE A PENIS, THERE A PENIS
VI. CHRISTIANITY: TURNING JESUS INTO A PRUDE
VII. THE MIDDLE AGES: SEX IS A SIN? WHO CARES?
A. Penitentials: Did You Come My Son?
B. Medieval Names: Starring John Fillecunt
C. The Priests: Stupid and Horny
VIII. THE INQUISITION: SEX IS A SIN. MEET THE RACK.
A. The Process: Torture Is Not Litigious
B. The Punishment: Burn or Go to Hell
C. The Effect: Wretched Slavery
IX. THE PROTESTANT REFORMATION: A MONK WANTS SEX
A. Catholic Hypocrisy: Hot Papal Orgies
B. Martin Luther: A Piece of Shit Says Jesus Screwed
C. John Calvin: Sourpuss
X. PURITAN AMERICA: GOD HATES YOU. DON’T HAVE SEX.
CHAPTER 7 SEX IV: ITS ORIGIN: DISTORTING SCIENCE
I. HUMANISM: HAPPINESS (SEX) ON EARTH
A. The Philosophy: Mind Your Business
B. Science: How Come This Wasn’t in the Bible?
II. VICTORIANISM: SEX IS LOW-CLASS
A. The New Middle Class: Rich and Lame
B. Women as Asexual Victims: Dumb but Not Slutty
C. Children as Asexual Victims: Little Johnny Would Never Want Vagina
III. THE MORAL CRUSADERS: THE SKY IS FALLING! LOCK UP THE SINNERS!
A. What It Is: A Freak-Out!
B. Victorian Prostitution: My Wife Doesn’t Suck
C. White Slavery: It’s 1910. Do You Know Where Your Daughter Is?
D. The Birth of the FBI: Fighting Interstate Adultery
E. The Saved Victims: Leave Us the Hell Alone
CHAPTER 8 SEX V: ITS END?: THE REVOLUTIONS
I. THE 1920S SEXUAL REVOLUTION: WOMEN GET THEIR SEXY BACK
II. 1930S-1950S: TOOTHBRUSHES AND COMMIES
III. THE 1960S SEXUAL REVOLUTION: SEXUAL HEALING
A. The Courts: Oh Yeah, That Constitution
B. Beats and Hippies: Getting a Peace
C. Helen Gurley Brown: Look Ma, I Had Sex and Didn’t Die
D. Masturbation: Manual Transmission
1. Philip Roth: The Firing Wad
2. Betty Dodson: All Hell Broke Loose in Her Pants
E. The Media: Spreading the Word for Gay Titty Bars
F. Openness: One Shining Moment
IV. THE BACKLASH: AIDS HYSTERIA IS A GREAT RALLYING CRY
A. The Empire Tries to Strike Back Against Facts
B. The Collapse of the Left: Killer Hippies
C. Skewed Stats: When I Was a Boy All We Did Was Chew Gum. Stop Lying.
D. AIDS: I Don’t Have It. Do You? [Laughter]
E. God Tells Bush to Stop Fishing and Run for President
CHAPTER 9 SEX VI: REPERCUSSIONS: THE GOVERNMENT WANTS YOUR SEX
I. GOVERNMENT: PRUDES GONE WILD
A. Hypocrisy: I Can Have Sexual Fun, But You Can’t So I Can Get Your Grandma’s Vote
B. Lies: Breaking a Commandment for Something Jesus Didn’t Care About
C. Distraction: Stopping Perverts Is the Most Important Issue in the Universe
D. Kill All Child Molesters: Why Civil Liberties Are Important
E. Monetary Cost: Jail ’Em All: Why Are My Taxes So High?
II. IGNORANCE: IS DUMB
A. Distortion of Sex Ed: No Birds and the Bees, More Abortions and STDs
B. Distortion of Scholarship: Men Really Are Assholes
C. Distortion of Art: Jesus’ Penis
D. Distortion of Teaching: G-Rated Learning Is Boring
E. Distortion of Reality: Maybe Our Culture Is the One That Sucks
III. UNHEALTHY SEXUAL ATTITUDES (USA)
A. Shame: My Tinky Is Dinky
B. Overemphasis: Relax, It’s Just Sex
IV. SEXUAL DEPRIVATION: THE RIGHT TO HAVE SEX WITH A HOT PERSON
A. High-T Males: Blue Balls and Violence
B. High-T Females: The Government Won’t Let You Make Money Lying Down
C. Bad Sex: You’re Missing Out
D. Bad Marriages: The Rules Committee
CHAPTER 10 DRUGS I: WHAT THEY ARE: UNDERRATED
I. FIRST PERSON: I WAS A SCHMUCK
II. WHAT THEY ARE: THEY ARE WHAT THE GOVERNMENT SAYS THEY ARE
III. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THEM: DRUGS ARE ADDICTIVE
A. Freebasing Caffeine: Administration vs. Substance
B. Avoiding Physical Addiction: Simple
C. Psychological Addiction: Outlaw the Big Mac
D. Instant Inslavement? Please
E. How Addiction Occurs: Not Randomly
1. The Drug: Stop Blaming It
2. Look Deeper: Underlying Issues
3. The Addict: Young and Impulsive
IV. YOU WILL DIE: DRUGS KILL
V. YOU WILL DIE SLOWLY: DRUGS ARE UNHEALTHY
A. Government Interference Is Dangerous: Criminalized Water Would Be Unhealthy
B. It’s Not What You Do, It’s How You Do It: Duh
C. Functional Alcoholic vs. Junkie: A Matter of Price
D. Drugs Cause Insanity: A Forest Fire of B.S.
E. Shiny Happy Drug Users: The Invisible Majority
VI. YOU WILL KILL ME: DRUGS MAKE YOU DO BAD THINGS
A. The Drug Made Me Do It: Stop Lying
B. Avoiding Withdrawal Hell: Avoiding the Flu
C. Bananas Cause Crime: The Banana Effect
VII. YOU ONLY THINK YOU ARE HAVING FUN: ILLEGAL DRUGS SERVE NO PURPOSE
A. Meeting God: Mind Expansion/Religious Reasons
B. I Like You: Social Reasons
C. Ow!: Pain Tolerance
D. Third Wind: Energy
E. Don’t Worry, Be Happy: Relaxation
F. A Whole New World: Creativity
G. F The Man: Rebel Cool
H. Custom: Culture
I. It Does the Body Good: Health Reasons
J. Drugs Make Life Fun: Pleasure
CHAPTER 11 DRUGS II: THE TABOO: YOU JUST DON’T KNOW, YOU ASSHOLE!
I. THE UNSETTLING NATURE: NO, YOU DON’T KNOW, YOU GOVERNMENT TOOL!
II. THE IGNORANCE: NO, HONESTLY, YOU DON’T KNOW
A. They Just Wouldn’t Do Such a Thing: The Historians
B. Give Me More Tax Money: The Government
C. Brain Shrinkage: The Scientists
D. “Flowers of Destruction”: The Objective Media
E. They Must Suffer: The Subjective Media
CHAPTER 12 DRUGS III: ITS ORIGIN: RACISM, LIES, AND CRUEL SELFISH BUREAUCRATS
I. FROM THE BEGINNING: GETTING HIGH IN THE CAVE
II. LYING ABOUT THE BIBLE AGAIN: THE WAR ON JOHN BARLEYCORN
III. THE FIRST DRUG WAR: PROHIBITION
IV. WRIGHT WAS WRONG: A DRUNK PLAYS THE U.S. AND THE WORLD
V. THE HOOVER OF DRUGS: A BALD SNAKE DISREGARDS THE CONSTITUTION FOR THIRTY YEARS
A. Criminalizing Stuff is Fun: Marijuana
B. Anslinger Has No Clothes but He Is Still Emperor
VI. LOCK UP THE DISRESPECTFUL BRATS: NIXON WAS A TOUGH GUY
VII. CARTER TRIES
VIII. REAGAN AND CRACK INCITE PANIC
A. You Look Suspicious, Give Me All Your Money: Forfeiture
B. Prohibition Creates Crack: The Media Creates a Monster
IX. REAGAN AND BUSH GET THEIR WAR ON AND LOSE
A. Declaring a War on the Coca Plant
B. Daily 9/11s: Colombia
C. A Boxed Head and a Cardinal Dead: Mexico
X. THE LAND OF THE FREE PISSES ON OTHER COUNTRIES
XI. THE WAR CONTINUES: STAY THE STUPID COURSE
CHAPTER 13 DRUGS IV: REPERCUSSIONS: MAYBE WHEN IT’S YOUR DAUGHTER YOU’LL GIVE A SHIT
I. DO THE CRIME, DO THE TIME . . . BITCH!: THE LAND OF LIBERTY?
II. WHAT CONSTITUTION?: CIVIL RIGHTS
A. Chip, Chip, Chip, Gone: Judicial Interpretation
B. Snitch Justice
C. But the Good Guys Play by the Rules: Please
III. IT’S NOT MY RICH WHITE ASS: CLASSISM AND RACISM
IV. FAT WHITE SENATORS DO NOT SCARE THEM: GENERATION G (FOR GANGSTER)
V. THE DRUG DIDN’T DO THIS TO LITTLE SUZIE: THE GOVERNMENT DID
A. Don’t Put Me in Jail Because Prohibition Killed Suzie
B. Don’t Put Me in Jail Because Prohibition Ruined Suzie’s Life
VI. MY GOVERNMENT HAS FALLEN AND CAN’T GET UP
A. Bush Got High. Why Can’t I?: Hypocrisy
B. Why They Hate Us: The DEA Pisses on the Whole World
C. Tax Addiction Is a Moral Issue: Bloated Bureaucracy
D. Corruption Is a Third-World Thing: Wrong
VII. SLANDERING THE REAL LANDS OF THE FREE
VIII. ORGANIZED CRIME’S LIFELINE
IX. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: FINE, DON’T CUT AND RUN, YOU IDIOT
A. If They Say We Are Winning, They Are Talking Out of Their Asses
B. Economics 101
C. Common Sense
D. What If We Stop Being Pussies?
X. DRUGS ARE FUN: WHY MUST EVERYONE BE SQUARE?
CHAPTER 14 THE END: DEATH
I. DEATH IN AMERICA: SANITIZED AND DISTORTED
II. YOU WILL DIE: THINK ABOUT IT
III. SUPERFICIAL SEIZURE: THE EGO
IV. SEIZE THE DAY: AUTHENTICITY
V. ECSTASY DENIED
APPENDICES
APPENDIX ONE GREAT PHILANDERERS: TWENTIETH-CENTURY WORLD LEADERS
APPENDIX TWO GREAT PHILANDERERS: AMERICAN PRESIDENTS
← Prev
Back
Next →
← Prev
Back
Next →