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Index
Title Copyright Contents Introduction 1 How the West Was Lost: Misadventures in Exploration
Worst Attempt to Make a Name as a Great Explorer Shortest Space Programme Least Successful Bonding Exercise Least Successful Hunting Party Least Successful Attempt to Cross Australia Least Successful Expedition by Camel Most People Lost While Searching for a Lost Expedition Least Successful Transatlantic Crossing by Aeroplane Worst Attempt to Found a Colonial Empire Least Successful Arctic Rescue Mission Fool’s Gold Least Observant Explorer Most Inaccurate Discovery of a Mountain Range Most Inaccurate Discovery of a Mountain Range: Runner-Up Least Successful Balloon Trip Least Successful Surveyor Most Futile Attempt to Find a Lost Tribe Least Convincing Denial over Eating One’s Crew Worst Survival Skills Most Predictable Outcome of Plucky British Amateurism Most People Lost While Looking for a Lost City Cosmic Martyrs Worst Attempt to Climb Mount Everest
2 Standing on the Shoulders of Midgets: Scientific Losers
Least Accurate Scientific Textbook Least Accurate Attempt to Date the Earth “Hard Luck” Scheele Most Accident-Prone Astronomer Least Successful Horoscope Least Comprehensible Scientific Paper The Wrong Chemistry Most Failed Attempts to be Named in a Scientific Textbook Least Convincing Attempt to Prove God’s Work in All Its Glory Most Pointless Lines of Research by Someone Who Should Have Known Better Second-Most Pointless Lines of Research by People Who Should Have Known Better The Man Who Discovered the N-Ray Least Successful Weatherman The Nearly Man of Computing The Evolutionist Who Wasn’t Darwin Worst Science Pundit Most Convincing Surrender to Newton’s Law of Gravity The Forgotten Man of Forensics Most Successful Attempt to Destroy a Reputation as a Great Scientist Most Prolific Inventor of Things that Should Never Have Got Off the Drawing Board
3 Who Dares Loses: Business Blunders, Bankrupts and Brand Disasters
Most Flawed Get-Rich-Quick Scheme Worst Follow-Up to a Great Idea Best Get-Poor-Quick Scheme Most Expensive Failure to Spot a Lemon Least Successful Celebrity Endorsement Least Successful Celebrity Endorsement: Runner-Up Least Credible Economic Growth Plan Biggest Business Boob Least Credible Self-Improvement Guide Worst Business Brain Behind a Global Brand Name Worst Business Brain Behind a Global Brand Name: Runner-Up Least Successful Trade Minister The Real Thing Quickest Route to Financial Suicide Least Consumer-Friendly Product Least Successful Branding: the Main Contenders You’re Never Alone in a Cancer Ward Least Convincing Tourist Campaigns Most Expensive Typo Most Failed Attempts to Turn a Great Idea into a Profitable Business
4 Defeat from the Jaws of Victory: Great Military Losers
Most Underachieving Invasion Force The (War) Elephant in the Room Bravest Attempt to Defeat an Enemy with a Tin of Biscuits King Harold: Runner-Up at Hastings Worst Military Decision Least Intimidating Declaration of War Most Underperforming Battleship Worst Military Aircraft Most Literal Taste of Defeat Least Convincing Excuse for a War Most Futile Display of Bravery Least Successful Espionage Mission Worst Expeditionary Force Unluckiest Invasion Fleet Least Successful Tactical Withdrawal Quickest Surrender Most Pointless Cavalry Charge Longest War Without Anyone Getting Hurt Most Clueless US Commander Most Embarrassing Friendly Fire Incident Most Disastrous Lack of Strategy Most Embarrassing Intelligence Failure Most Embarrassing Intelligence Failure: Runner-Up Most Useless British General Most Expensive Napoleonic Complex Most Expensive Napoleonic Complex: Runner-Up Most Desperate CIA Cold War Ploy: Part 1 Least Effective Attempt to Create a Good First Impression Most Desperate CIA Cold War Ploy: Part 2 Least Convincing Weapon of Mass Destruction Most Prolific Inventor of Completely Useless Military Gadgets Most Desperate CIA Cold War Ploy: Part 3 Most Flawed Use of Pets as Anti-Tank Devices
5 From Bard to Worse: Losers in Art and Entertainment
Hot Doggerel: the World’s Worst Poet Rubbish by Royal Appointment: Worst Poet Laureate Worst Poetic Tribute to a Root Vegetable The Ode Less Travelled Least Successful Attempt to Spot a Great Writing Talent Worst Published Author of Pulp Fiction Least Perceptive Creator of Character with Superhuman Powers of Perception Most Pointless Literary Hoax Worst Published Author Most Pointless Work of Literature Worst Science-Fiction Writer Most Non-PC Travel Guide Worst Foreign Language Phrasebook Worst Stage Actor “Is This a Banana Skin I See Before Me?” Most Accident-Prone Show Least Successful One-Man Show Least Successful Opening Least Successful Audience Participation Least Successful Animal Act Most Disappointing Magic Act Worst Broadway Play Biggest West End Flop Least Convincing Psychic Act Least Convincing Psychic Act: Runner-Up Least Successful Eulogy Least Talented Opera Singer Most Accident-Prone Opera Singer Least Successful Stage Introduction Least Dignified Stage Exit Most Self-Deluded Artist Rags to Riches . . . to Rags Most Embarrassing Oscar Nomination Biggest Box-Office Bomb Least Successful TV Show Worst Film Director
6 Disorder in Court: Criminal Losers
Most Inept Executioner The Defence Rests . . . in Peace Least Accurate Sentencing by a Judge Most Inappropriate Summing Up Most Inept Wild West Outlaw Least Successful Display of Impartiality by a Juror Most Incompetent Assassin Least Successful Courtroom Defence Least Successful Courtroom Defence: Runner-Up Most Accommodating Assassination Target Least Successful Invocation of God’s Word to Avoid a Motoring Fine Least Perceptive Prison Guards Least Successful Prison Breakout Most Failed Attempts to Kill a Political Leader Most Clueless Burglar Most Badly Planned Robbery Most Badly Planned Robbery: Runner-Up Least Profitable Till Raid Least Successful Counterfeit Operation Least Successful Unfair Dismissal Claim
7 Quacking Up: Medical Losers
The Forgotten Man of Medicine Least Successful Amputation of a Limb Worst Contribution to Medical Science Least Credible ’Ology Least Successful Attempt to Find a Cure for VD Worst Royal Doctor Briefest Career in Dentistry
8 Slower, Lower, Weaker: Great Sporting Losers
The Phantom of the Open Least Successful Attempt to Play a Water Hazard Most Expensive Caddie Error Worst Choke in Open Golf Worst Golf Jinx Least Successful Attempt to Organize a Title Fight Unluckiest Boxer Most Controversial Boxing Defeat Least Successful Professional Boxer Most Successful Attempt to Shorten a Test Career Most Easily Dismissed Batsman Worst Bowling Figures Most Boring Batsman Worst Loss of an Unassailable Lead Slowest Racehorse Least Successful Race Fix Least Successful Horse Race Worst Jockey Least Successful Racehorse Owner/Breeder Least Successful Investment in a Racehorse Worst Tennis Player Least Successful Interpretation of “Non-Contact Sport” Slowest Out of the Blocks Chariots of Dire: Worst Olympic Marathons Longest Time Taken to Complete an Olympic Marathon Worst Olympic Team Performance Worst Olympic Track-and-Field Team Least Harmonious Display of Sporting Unity Least Harmonious Display of Sporting Unity: Runner-Up Most Generous Use of the Term “Sprinter” Worst Professional Football Team Least Successful Attempt to Treat an Injured Player Worst Goalkeeping Début Most Embarrassing Tournament Exit We’re Kicking Which Way? Least Successful Attempt to Organize a Fixture List Most Sensitive Referee Five Most Pathetic Excuses for Losing a Game of Football Worst Losing Streak as a Football Manager Most Expensive Own Goal Least Successful Attempt at Keeping Discipline Least Successful Impact Substitution Sore Losers: Football’s Top Five Worst Bullfighter Briefest International Rugby Career Worst Sailor Worst Chess Player Worst Wrestler When Fighting Nicknames Go Bad Least Successful Medal Ceremony Worst Olympic Swimmer Least Successful Channel Swimmers Where Eagles Daren’t Ten Gambling Losers Ten Most Creative Excuses for Failing a Dope Test
9 Close, but No Cigar: a Litany of Losers
Most Failed Election Candidate Least Perceptive Electorate Least Successful Diplomatic Mission Worst Inaugural Speech Least Successful Prediction of an Election Outcome Least Successful Election Campaign Least Dignified Exit from Office by a French President Least Dignified Exit from Office by a French President: Runner-Up Most Creative Excuse for Losing an Election Shortest Time in Office Dead as a “Didus Ineptus” Least Convincing Display of Supernatural Powers Least Successful Declaration of Independence Least Successful Cult Briefest Career as a Deity Least Successful Attempt to Spot a News Scoop Worst Call by an Academic Expert Least Successful Missionary Strangest Losing Bet Least Successful Picnic Least Successful Reward Claim Egrets, I’ve Had a Few: Shortest Career as a Celebrity Chef The End of the World Isn’t Nigh: Ten Failed Apocalyptic Predictions
Appendix I: Harry Stephen Keeler Bibliography Appendix II: Selected Poems of Amanda McKittrick Ros Appendix III: Selected Poems of William Topaz McGonagall Appendix IV: Extract from The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis Further Reading
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