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Index
Introduction About This Book Conventions Used in This Book Foolish Assumptions How This Book Is Organised Part I: The Basics of Anger Part II: Dealing with Past and Present Anger Part III: Preventing Future Anger Part IV: Lifestyle Changes That Improve Your Anger and Health Part V: Managing Anger in Relationships Part VI: The Part of Tens Icons Used in This Book Part I Chapter 1: Anger: A Natural Human Emotion Dispelling Common Anger Myths Understanding the Role of Emotions in Your Life Getting the Help You Need Knowing You're Getting There Chapter 2: When Is Anger a Problem? Assessing and Understanding Your Anger Assessing How Angry You Are Defining anger How often do you get angry? How intense is your anger? What triggers your anger? Working Out Whether Your Anger Is Harmful Episodic irritation Episodic anger Episodic rage Chronic irritation Chronic anger Chronic rage Calculating the Risks of Harmful Anger Are you male? Are you under 40 years of age? What's your temperament and personality style? Do you have too many triggers to anger? Are you looking at life the wrong way? Do you have an aggressive personality? Are you taking medicines or drugs? Do you stay irritable? Are you suffering from depression? Do you communicate poorly? Do you lack problem-solving skills? Are you too stressed? Are you too judgemental? Are you too much into blame? Are you constantly exhausted? Who's around to help and support you? Is your life seriously out of balance? Chapter 3: Is Anger Damaging Your Life? Draining Your Energy Making You Ill How anger indirectly affects your health How anger directly affects your health Reviewing the anger-health checklist Sabotaging Your Career Getting off-track early Heading in the wrong direction Asking the wrong question Engaging in unhelpful work behaviour Ruining Your Marriage Affecting Those You Care About Part II Chapter 4: Taking Immediate Action Drawing the Line - the Sooner the Better Settling for Just Being Irritated Understanding Why Your Fuse Is So Short Lengthening Your Fuse Walking away - but coming back Giving the other person the last word Knowing That Sometimes It Pays to Feel Guilty Seeing How Distraction Works Changing your situation - getting some distance Stopping the rumination Using imagery to transcend anger Chapter 5: Avoiding Speaking Out in Anger Stopping Ranting Expressing Your Anger Effectively Talking versus hitting Writing versus speaking Leaving out the four-letter words Staying focused Keeping it short - and breathing It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It Chapter 6: Keeping Your Cool Choosing to Respond Rather Than React Breaking your lifelong habits of reacting to anger Avoiding the company of other angerholics Assessing Your Anger Being Patient Controlling Your Body Using the relaxation response Harnessing the power of quiet Lightening up Talking to yourself Asking Yourself Four Crucial Questions Who am I really angry at? Is this where I want to be angry? Why am I angry? Is the intensity of my anger at this moment consistent with why I'm angry? Weighing Up Your Options Always giving yourself three ways to go Considering the consequences of each response Choosing not to always exercise your right to be angry Taking action: responding Rewarding Yourself Chapter 7: Letting Go of Past Anger Digging Yourself Out of Anger Knowing that resistance equals persistence Identifying the fears that hold you back Being nice doesn't mean being powerless Hiding your anger but making others suffer Seeing who hangs on and who lets go Trying the ten-minute rant Living without Resolution Time's Up: Knowing When to Let Go Chapter 8: Moving Forward: The Power of Forgiveness Knowing that Forgiveness Is Never Easy You need time You need support You need to sacrifice Choosing to Forgive You have to be safe You have to acknowledge the frailty of human nature Doing a Cost-Benefit Analysis Who are you letting off the hook? Do you deserve to be happy? Accepting the Finality of Being Wronged You don't have to forget the past Choosing pain over anger Part III Chapter 9: Adopting a New Outlook Seeing that Anger Is In the Interpretation Understanding why it's called 'blind' rage Choosing the lesser of two evils Accepting Life for What It Is, Not What It Should Be Becoming More Tolerant Re-thinking your approach Seeking diversity in all things Considering the media's effect on you Figuring Out Where Hostility and Resentment Come From Being Assertive Chapter 10: Saying What You Mean Seeing Why Hiding Your Emotions Isn't Healthy Realising there's no such thing as hidden anger Noting that dissatisfaction can be lethal Being Civil Doesn't Always Mean Being Nice Stop saying 'I'm fine' when you're not Stop saying 'I never get angry' Stop apologising for what others do Expressing your anger without worrying that you're being stroppy Having Feelings Rather Than Issues Walking Away and Still Having Your Say Chapter 11: Owning Up to Your Anger Owning Up: It's Good for You Seeing Who Can Benefit from Owning Up Men in general Women who cry a lot People who are prone to guilt People who are too empathic People who are hostile Introverts People who've suffered a lot of trauma People who are chronically ill Young people Understanding the Difference Between a Diary and a Journal Telling Your Story Your Way Making yourself the audience Using the first person Relaxing about grammar Focusing on the negative Finding the cause of your feelings Writing until time is up Preventing emotions from getting in the way of writing Suspending judgement Sticking to pen and pencil Finding a quiet place Chapter 12: Balancing the Effects of Your Temperament Recognising Your Style: Temperament and Anger Aggressive styles Passive styles Moving Beyond Your Temperament Becoming assertive Not excusing yourself ('It's just the way I am') Focusing on who you are, rather than what you do Looking at your own competitive streak Taking off your watch Acquiring Wisdom Seeking diversity in relationships Developing better social skills Letting yourself be curious Chapter 13: Using Anger Constructively Making Anger Your Friend Anger is a built-in capacity Anger is invigorating Anger serves as a starting point for new behaviour Anger communicates Anger protects you from harm Anger is an antidote to impotence Exploring the Motives Behind Your Anger Bringing about a positive change Seeking revenge Letting off steam Using Anger to Understand Yourself Moving Towards Constructive Anger Step 1: Decide how you want to feel after you get angry Step 2: Acknowledge your anger Step 3: Focus your anger on the problem, not the person Step 4: Identify the source of the problem Step 5: Accept that you can solve the problem Step 6: Try to see things from the other person's perspective Step 7: Get the other person involved Step 8: Keep a civil tone throughout Step 9: Avoid disrespectful behaviour Step 10: Don't be afraid to take time out and resume the discussion later Step 11: Make it a two-way conversation Step 12: Acknowledge that you've made progress What Goes Around Comes Around Part IV Chapter 14: Managing Daily Stresses Distinguishing Stress from Strain Staying Away from Stress Carriers Identifying the Sources of Your Stress Knowing Which Types of Stress Are Toxic Cumulative stress Chronic stress Catastrophic stress Control stress Avoiding Burnout Discovering How to Be Hardy Being the master of your own destiny Being a player, not a spectator Transforming catastrophes into challenges Coping with Stress: What Works and What Doesn't Chapter 15: Managing Your Body Chemistry Just Because It's Legal Doesn't Make It Healthy Keeping Track of Your Substance Use Counting Your Caffeine Eliminating Your Favourite Cigarette Adopting a New Drinking Style Letting the Impulse Pass Chapter 16: Getting a Good Night's Sleep Understanding What Sleep Does for You Knowing How Much Is Enough Rating the Quality of Your Sleep Improving the Quality of Your Sleep Listening to your body Getting physical Avoiding stimulants Setting up a pre-sleep routine Creating a positive sleep environment Eliminating competing cues Distancing yourself from work Uncluttering your mind Getting into a good rhythm Considering sleeping pills Coping with sleepless children Chapter 17: Looking After Your Spiritual Health Reaching Up Rather than Out Seeing How Anger Can Choke Faith Using Faith to Help You Fight On Praying Prayers of Gratitude Practising Compassion Being Humble - It Helps Having a Blessed Day Chapter 18: Staying in a Good Mood Eliminating the Negative: Maintaining a Positive Mood Laughter really is the best medicine Hanging around with optimists Finding the good in the bad Calculating your positivity ratio Realising When Your Mood Becomes a Problem Exploring the Anger-Depression Link Seeing how depression can make you angry Separating depression and grief Fixing the Problem Taking antidepressants Talking as a cure: Psychotherapy Healing through exercise Finding hope Part V Chapter 19: At Work Recognising Unhelpful Work Behaviour Avoidance versus aggression Person versus organisation Knowing Who's Likely to Have Problems with Anger at Work The fed-up employee The self-centred employee Improving Your Negotiating Skills Creating a Positive Work Climate Making Politeness the Norm Speaking Up, Not Out Chapter 20: At Home and In Intimate Relationships It Takes Two: Avoiding Angry Dialogues Managing Anger From the Top Down Choosing the Unfamiliar: Changing Your Family's Patterns Looking at Your Parenting Style The Power of One Small Step One meal a day One evening a week One day a month One week a year Making it work Part VI Chapter 21: Ten Ways to Raise a Child to Have Healthy Anger Control Being an Emotional Coach Starting Early and Talking Back Creating Educating Moments Being a Positive Role Model Putting the 'I' in Emotion Labelling Feelings Appropriately Identifying Causes Teaching Problem Solving Choosing the Third Alternative Understanding the Difference Between Wanting and Getting Chapter 22: Ten Anger-Freeing Thoughts No One - Absolutely No One - Can Make You Angry Without Your Consent Anger Comes Back to You - And So Does Love It's Only Money Other People Are Not the Enemy Life Isn't Fair - Not Even at the Top Energy Is a Terrible Thing to Waste We're Only Human This Isn't the Time for War There's Nothing You Can Achieve With Anger That You Can't Achieve Without It When You're Dealing With People, You're Not Entitled to Anything! Chapter 23: Ten Anger-Freeing Actions Counting to Ten Coming Down from Anger, Fast Letting Anger Evaporate Treating Others As You Want to Be Treated Controlling Your Voice Minding Your Body Language Getting the Right Kind of Attention Putting the Brakes on Boozing Accepting Apologies - And Making Them Keeping Control for As Long As It Takes
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