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Index
I Heart My Little A-Holes
Copyright
Dedication
Table of Contents
Introduction
Five Funny Stories about Vajayjays (say that five times quickly)
For the love of God, lady, it’s a locker room not a nudist colony
I’d like the Brazilian in the back please
Math-terbating and labia majoras
You can love your pagina, just don’t love your pagina
I’m gonna wash that gray right out of my pubes
Bundle of Joy My Ass, More Like Bundle of Hell
A lot of shit you don’t need when you’re having a baby
Oh Dear Lord, WTF is that?
Just connect A to B and N to J and L to R and V to F and K to G and J to Q and Q to B, and that’s how you put a breast pump together
Chugga chugga typhoid
Where the hell did the name Baby Sideburns come from?
The serious chapter, like seriously
Yo baby book, you can take your milestones and shove them up your you-know-what
I Heart My Little A-Holes
It’s all fun and games until someone shits a brick in the middle of the restaurant
The big bang theory
Going from one kid to two is uhhh, how do I say this, let me see, hell
1-800-KILL-ME-NOW
The other night I did something I swore I’d never do
Why traveling with kids sucks ass and totally isn’t worth it but I still insist on doing it
Don't Read This Chapter while You’re Eating Chocolate
This one doesn’t have any pictures.
Poop mobile
Just a random poop story that has nothing to do with my rug rats
Hells yeah I’m putting on my oxygen mask before my kid’s
Itty-bitty potty party
Five brown shit dots
Another Holiday? Are You F’ing Kidding Me?
New Years resolutions I plan on breaking the shit out of
Ten things that suck about Valentine’s Day (easiest list I’ve ever come up with)
Daylight Savings can kiss my ass
Ten things I really F’ing want for Mother’s Day
Twas the night before Mother’s Day
Ten things Dad really F’ing wants for Father’s Day
Halloween is to the Jews what Christmas is to the Christians
What NOT to F’ing buy my kids this holiday
The Truth, the Whole Truth, and None of the Bullshit You See on Pinterest
How to hold a Momlympics
Why I’m a worse mom than you
A letter to my daughter in the future, but none of that sappy crap you see on Huff Post
A letter to my son in the future, you know, if he hasn’t disowned me for this book
I don’t read no stinkin’ parenting magazines
Mom’s Serenity Prayer
This Is a Really Short Chapter about Girl Scout Cookies because Girl Scout Cookies Are So F’ing Awesome They Deserve Their Own Chapter
Disney and Caillou and Other Annoying Crap I Want to Crap on
If Caillou were a real person I’d gladly go to jail for killing him
Calling Dr. Snow White, DDS
Someday my gay prince will come
Annnnnd This Is What My Life Has Turned into. Awesome.
Babies R’n’t Us
Sometimes I think living in hell would be better than the suburbs
Minivans are the awesomest!(No that whole title is not a typo)
Yo Rug Rats, You Owe Me $26,000 for Plastic Surgery
Allllllll the ways my body is different (aka sucks balls) after carrying two poop machines
Crotch and other words that make me uncomfortable
40 is the new “I want to kill myself”
An open letter to my vajayjay
The End
Acknowledgements
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