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500 OF THE BEST COCKNEY WAR STORIES
EDITOR'S FOREWORD
CONTENTS
SIR IAN HAMILTON'S STORY
1. ACTION
The Outside Fare
"Barbed Wire's Dangerous!"
Tale of an Egg
"No Earfkwikes"
A "Bow Bells" Heroine
Samson, but Shorn
"What's Bred in the Bone——!"
A Very Human Concertina
A One-Man Army
"Nah, Mate! Soufend!"
"I Got 'Ole Nelson Beat!"
Two Kinds of Fatalist
Double up, Beauty Chorus!
The Theatre of War
"It's the Skivvy's 'Arf Day Orf"
Cricket on the Somme
M'Lord, of Hoxton
The Tall Man's War
Germany Didn't Know This
Better than the Crystal Palace
A Short Week-end
Simultaneous Chess
Fire-step Philosophy
"Teddie" Gets the Last Word
"Nobbler's" Grouse
Dust in 'Indenburg's Sauerkraut!
A Valiant Son of London
A Hint to the Brigadier
"Salvage? Yus, Me!"
Almost Self-inflicted
Nobby's 1,000 to 1 Chance
That Derby Scheme
"Shoo-Shoo-Shooting"
Ancient Britons?—No!
Desert Island—Near Bullecourt
"Tiger's" Little Trick
Raffle Draw To-night!
Exit the General's Dessert
"Try on this Coat, Sir"
On the Kaiser's Birthday
"Chuck us yer Name Plate!"
To Hold His Hand
The New Landlord
"Out of Bounds" in the Line
Epic of the Whistling Nine
Tale of a Cook and a "Crump"
"—— Returns the Penny"
"In Time for the Workman's?"
A Lovely Record
Logic in No Man's Land
Fousands ... and Millions
Lost: A Front Line
"If Our Typist Could See Me Nah"
Q! Q! Queue!
"Fine 'eads er Salery!"
The Old Soldier Falls
Not Meant For Him
An Extra Fast Bowler
"I'll Call a Taxi, Sir"
Attack in "Birthday Clothes"
His Good-bye to the Q.M.
From Bow and Harrow
Piccadilly in the Front Line
"Wag's" Exhortation
Making a King of Him
"Peace? Not wiv you 'ere!"
An Expert on Shells
A Camel "on the Waggon"
Parting Presents
Bluebottles and Wopses
The Cheerful "Card"
Great Stuff This Shrapnel
Wot a War!
The Umpire
"Don't Tell 'Aig"
"... In Love and War"
"Afraid of Yer Own Shells"
The Leader of the Blind
Pity the Poor Ducks
Waiting Room Only
Not Yet Blasé
Paid with a Mills
The Guns' Obligato
In the Garden of Eden
Santa Claus in a Hurry
What Paderewski was Missing
A Target, but No Offers
Their own Lord Mayor's Show
Pill-Box Crown and Anchor
"C.O.'s Paid 'is Phone Bill"
The "Garden Party Crasher"
Those Big Wasps
Why he Looked for Help
The Winkle Shell
Forgot his Dancing Pumps
Lift Out of Order
Change at Wapping
"The Canary's Flowed Away!"
"Go it, Applegarf! I'll time yer!"
That Other Sort of Rain
Better Job for Him
Sentry's Sudden Relief
The World Kept Turnin'
That Blinkin' "Money-box"
"Oo, You Naughty Boy!"
Cool as a Cucumber
The Sergeant's Tears
"But yer carn't 'elp Laughin'"
"Only an Orphan"
Joking at the Last
Everybody's War
Orders is Orders
Leaving the Picture
Ginger's Gun Stopped
A Careless Fellow
Standing Up to the Turk
Lodging with the Bombs
In Fine Feather
All the Fun of the Fair
Teacup in a Storm
Jack's Unwelcome Present
Goalie Lets One Through
A Good Samaritan Foiled
Proof of Marksmanship
"Well, He Ain't Done In, See!"
"Baby's Fell Aht er Bed!"
Stamp Edging Wanted
"Oo's 'It—You or Me?"
The Stocking Bomb
Not an Acrobat
Story Without an Ending
Cause and Effect
The Cockney and the Cop
In the Drorin' Room
Getting His Goat
Jennie the Flier
A Mission Fulfilled
He Saved the Tea
Old Dutch Unlucky
A Long Streak of Misery
"Smudger's" Tattoo
Importance of a "Miss"
"In the Midst of War——"
A Case for the Ordnance
Dismal Jimmy's Prisoner
That Creepy Feeling
"Toot-Sweet," the Runner
Applying the Moral
Spelling v. Shelling
"Ducks and Drakes! Ducks and Drakes!"
You Must have Discipline
L.B.W. in Mespot
Trench-er Work
"The Best Man—Goes Fust"
When Clemenceau Kissed the Sergeant
Poet and—Prophet
Pub that Opened Punctually
That Precious Tiny Tot
Cigs and Cough Drops
"Smiler" to the End
"The Bishop" and the Bright Side
"Chuck yer Blinkin' 'Aggis at 'im!"
Back to Childhood
The Altruist
"Minnie's Stepped on my Toe!"
In the Dim Dawn
Beau Brummell's Puttees
Plenty of Room on Top
Nearly Lost His Washing-Bowl
Bath Night
Back to the Shack
His Last Gamble
That Infernal Drip-Drip-Drip!
"A Blinkin' Vanity Box"
Playing at Statues
Bo Peep—1915 Version
Jerry's Dip in the Fat
Carried Unanimously
A Very Hot Bath
In Lieu of ——
Putting the Hatt on It
Tangible Evidence
What the Cornwalls' Motto Meant
Atlas—On the Somme
Putting the Lid on It
Taffy was a—German!
A Tea-time Story
A Tip to a Prisoner
Cockney Logic
"Penalty, Ref!"
An Appointment with his Medical Adviser
One Up, and Two to Go
On the Parados
Not Croquet
Sausages and Mashed
Cheery to the End
Souvenirs First
Seven Shies a Tanner!
Bill Hawkins Fights Them All
Hide and Seek with Jerry
Too Much for his Imagination
"Currants" for Bunn
The Driver to his Horse
Two Kinds of "Shorts"
Mespot—On 99 Years' Lease
"Fro Something at Them!"
Missed his Mouth-organ
Water-cooled
Top-hatted Piper of Mons
Two Heads and a Bullet
Spoiling the Story
Afraid of Dogs
The Song of Battle
Stalls at "Richthofen's Circus"
"Butter-Fingers!"
Getting into Hot Water
2. LULL
Rate of Exchange—on Berlin
A Hen Coup
A "Baa-Lamb" in the Trenches
He Coloured
Why the Fat Man Laughed
He Met Shackleton!
Domestic Scene: Scene, Béthune
Getting Their Bearings
High Tea
Lots in a Name
Gunga Din the Second
A Fag fer an 'Orse
Put to Graze
Smith's Feather Pillow
Bombs and Arithmetic
Help from Hindenburg
Raised his Voice—And the Dust
Mademoiselle from—Palestine
"Ally Toot Sweet"
Luckier than the Prince
A Jerry he Couldn't Kill
"Q" for Quinine
Blinkin' Descendant of Nebuchadnezzar
Well-Cut Tailoring
Evacuating "Darby and Joan"
"Why ain't the Band Playing?"
His Deduction
Peter in the Pool
Where "Movie" Shows Cost Soap
Sherlock Holmes in the Desert
The Army "Loops the Loop"
Repartee on the Ridge
A New Kind of "Missing"
And it Started with a Hen Raid!
"I'm a Water-Lily"
Not Knowin' the Language
Churning in the Skies
Larnin' the Mule
"Dr. Livingstone, I Presoom"
The Veteran Scored
Old Moore Was Right
He Wouldn't Insult the Mule
"Don't Touch 'em, Sonny!"
"Ze English—Zey are all Mad!"
Mixed History
Got His Goat!
A Difficult Top Note
Home by Underground
A Job for Samson
Jerry Wins a Bet
Lucky he was Born British
You Never Can Tell
The Window Gazer
"I Don't Fink"
Why the Attack Must Fail
The "Shovers"
Rehearsal—Without the Villain
Poetry Before the Push
'Erb's Consolation Prize
Rum for Sore Feet
Two Guineas' Worth
The Four-footed Spy
Not Every Dog has his Night
The Brigadier's Glass Eye
The Chaplain-General's Story
A Thirst Worth Saving
Points of View
Not the British Museum
Jerry Would Not Smile
"Birdie" Had to Smile
Their Very Own Secret
Window Cleaners Coming!
First Blow
M.M. (Mounted Marine)
His German 'Arp
Jack went a-Riding
Bitter Memories
Tommy "Surrounded" Them
Shell-holes and Southend
"Make Me a Good 'Orse"
The Lost Gumboot
"Compree 'Sloshy'?"
Looking-Glass Luck
Mine that was His
"Geography" Hour
To the General, About the Colonel
Bow Bells—1917 Style
"The Awfentic Gramerphone!"
The Muffin Man
The Holiday Resort
The "Tich" Touch
Smart Men All
"You'd Pay a Tanner at the Zoo!"
Smoking Without Cigarettes
An Expensive Light
Modern Conveniences
The Trench Fleet
The Necessary Stimulant
A Traffic Problem
Scots, Read This!
Met His Match
Why Jerry was "Clinked"
Stick-in-the-Mud
"If That can stick it, I can!"
Wheeling a Mule
Three Brace of Braces
"Bow Bells" Warning
"'Ave a Sniff"
The Dirt Track
Babylon and Bully
Twice Nightly
In Shining Armour
"A Blinkin' Paper-Chase?"
Biscuits—Another Point of View
His Bird Bath
Ducking 'em—-then Nursing 'em
Salonika Rhapsody
A Ticklin' Tiddler
Biscuits and Geometry
All that was Wrong with the War
Not a Single Cockney
Sanger's Circus on the Marne!
"Contemptible" Stuff
A Cockney on Horseback—-Just
A Too Sociable Horse
General Salute!
Wipers-on-Sea
He Rescued His Shirt
A Smile from the Prince
"Just to Make Us Laugh"
No Use Arguing with a Mule
Kissing Time
"Playin' Soldiers"
Per Carrier
"Enemy" in the Wire
Straight from the Heart
Smile! Smile! SMILE!!
War's Lost Charm
Taking It Lying Down
The First Twenty Years
Shell as a Hammer
Sore Feet
My Sword Dance—by the C.O.
A Big Bone in the Soup
"I Shall have to Change Yer!"
Scots Reveille
In the Negative
"An' That's All that 'Appened"
Watching them "Fly Past"
High Necks and Low
Too Light—by One Rissole
Psyche—"at the Barf!"
A Juggler's Struggles
Almost a Wireless Story
When the S.M. Got Loose
Mons, 1914—Not Moscow, 1812!
The S.M. knew "Mulese"
Lost: One Star
Simpler than Sounding It
Under the Cart
The Lion Laughed up his Sleeve
The Carman's Sarcasm
Burying a Lorry
Striking a Bargain
Bugling in 'Indoostanee
"For 'eaven's sake, stop sniffin'!"
Babes in the Salonika Wood
Bringing it Home to Him
After the Feast
Wait for the "Two Pennies, Please"
The General Goes Skating
"To Top Things Up"
Luck in the Family
"I'm Drownded"
Not a New World's Wonder
Lads of the Village
Before 1914, When Men Worked
Their Fatigue
Teaching Bulgars the Three-card Trick
3. HOSPITAL
"Tich" Meets the King
Putting the Lid on It
Riddled in the Sands
Season!
Where's the Milk and Honey?
"Lunnon"
Sparing the M.O.
"Robbery with Violence"
Seven His Lucky Number
Blind Man's Buff
Self-Supporting
In the Butterfly Division
An Unfair Leg-Pull
He Saw It Through
As Good as the Pictures
Room for the Comforter
"War Worn and Tonsillitis"
"... Fort I was in 'Ell"
Pity the Poor Fly!
Temperature by the Inch
"'Arf Price at the Pickshers!"
Twenty-four Stitches in Time
His Second Thoughts
Hats Off to Private Tanner
The Markis o' Granby
A One-Legged Turn
4. HIGH SEAS
The Skipper's Cigar
Breaking the Spell
A V.C.'s Story of Friendship
The Stoker Sums it Up
Channel Swimming his Next Job
It Was a Collapsible Boat
Luck in Odd Numbers
"Your Barf, Sir!"
"Mind My Coat"
"Wot's the Game—Musical Chairs?"
A Voice in the Dark
Why the Stoker Washed
Accounts Rendered
An Ocean Greyhound
Margate In Mespot.
Urgent and Personal!
Victoria! (Very Cross)
He Saw the Force of It
New Skin—Brand New!
A Zeebrugge Memory
Another Perch in the Roost
Uncomfortable Cargo
Good Old "Vernon"
Any Time's Kissing Time!
The Fag End
"Spotty" the Jonah
He Just Caught the Bus!
Dinner before Mines!
A Philosopher at Sea
Extra Heavyweight
Three Varieties
He was a Bigger Fish
The "Arethusa" Touch
His Chance to Dive
Wot Abaht Wot?
Water on the Watch
A Gallant Tar
A Cap for Jerry
Give 'im 'is Trumpet Back
Getting the Range
Coco-nut Shies
"Any more for the 'Skylark'?"
Still High and Dry
Trunkey Turk's Sarcasm
Running Down the Market
Five to One against the "Tinfish"
A Queer Porpoise
"Hoctopus" with One Arm
Interrupted Duel
Enter Dr. Crippen
The All-seeing Eye
The Submarine's Gamps
Polishing up his German
5. HERE AND THERE
Answered
A Prisoner has the Last Laugh
Not Yet Introduced
On the Art of Conversation
Down Hornsey Way
"... Wouldn't Come Off"
When In Greece...?
The Chef Drops a Brick
His "Read" Letter Day
Dan, the Dandy Detective
The Apology
Too Scraggy
So Why Worry?
Commended by the Kaiser
Only Fog Signals
An American's Hustle
Truth about Parachutes
The Linguist
Billiards isn't all Cannons
Run?—Not Likely
At "The Bow Bells" Concert
A Bomb and a Pillow
Athletics in the Khyber Pass
Jack and his Jack Johnsons
Even Davy Jones Protested
"Parti? Don't blame 'im!"
Transcriber's Notes
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