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Imperial Library
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Index
Foreword by Abraham Lincoln
What I Would Be Thinking If I Were Billy Joel Driving to a Holiday Party Where I Knew There Was Going to Be a Piano
One Day, I’m Going to Open a Scented Candle Shoppe
Maximus Beer
Why I’ve Decided to Go Blonde
A Series of Letters to a Squirrel
Join Our Club!
Hey, David Sedaris—Why Don’t You Just Go Ahead and Suck It?
Erotic Fiction: The Elevator
A College Application Essay to Harvard That Might Have Been Written by a High School Senior Who Has Absolutely No Chance of Getting Accepted
Taco Party
Vampires—Good for the Economy?
Grasshopper
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Meeting People More Famous Than You
My Custom Van
A Meditation on Salami
Now We Will Join Forces, You and I
Mordeena
Using the Socratic Method to Determine What It Would Take for Me to Voluntarily Eat Dog Shit for the Rest of My Life
Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow
Announcing the Imminent Arrival of the Handlebar Mustache Certain People Said I’d Never Be Able to Grow
Erotic Fiction: The Beach
When I Finally Get Around to Building My Robot, This Is What It Will Be Like
A Description of Myself for a Dating Service If I Were a Chicken
A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered
How I Might Address My Players at Halftime If I Were a Self-Loathing High School Football Coach in a Game Where We Were Losing 49–3
How I Might Address My Players at Halftime If I Were a Self-Loathing High School Football Coach in a Game Where We Were Winning 49–3
Testing the Infinite Monkey Probability Theorem
Job Orientation
This Is How I Party
A Suicide Note
Stan the Oracle
Lewis Black Hates Candy Corn: A Rebuttal
I No Longer Love You, Magic Unicorn
Some DJ Names I’ve Been Considering
I Have an Indomitable Spirit
Incident at the Torpedo
Good Skiing Form
An Open Letter to the Hairstylist Who Somehow Convinced Me to Get a Perm When I Was in Sixth Grade
Instructions for the Cleaning Lady
How to Approach the Sensitive Question: Anal?
Do Not Buy Tundra from a Door-to-Door Salesman
DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!!!
Erotic Fiction: The Mad Scientist
A Series of Letters to Celine Dion’s Husband, René Angélil
Icky
A Few Words About My Jug Band
Chapter 19 of My Science Fiction Epic, The Pirates of Dagganon 6, Which I Am Only Able to Write Because of a Generous Grant from the Makers of Barq’s Root Beer
My Top 50 New Year’s Resolutions
In Conclusion: A First Draft of the Acceptance Speech I Plan to Give Upon Receiving Some Kind of Important Literary Prize for Writing This Book
Acknowledgments
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