The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children by Smith, Annie -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover Title Page Copyright Notice Contents Why We Wrote This Book All about Conceiving Your Child

Hauling Your Newborn Home Recording the Birth Fixing Up the Nursery

Breast-Feeding Directions

Bottle Feeding Weaning the Baby

Changing Rug Rats’ Diapers

Choosing a Baby-sitter Redneck Nannies “Whut Air Ya Gonna Name the Kid?” Middle Names Hollywood in the Backwoods The Significance of Bubba Dolls’ Real Purpose

Dating outside the Family Explaining Eviction to Your Kids Farting: Will You Go to Hell?

Passing Gas for Fun and Profit

Grime and Punishment

When Grandpa’s in Prison Just Say “Hell, No!” to Drugs Stranger in a Strange Land Surefire Cussin’ Remedies

Huntin’ and Fishin’

When Nature Calls Collect Guns and Gun Racks

In-laws and Other Household Pests

Debugging Your Home

Junkyards as Vacation Sites

Other Family Outings

Keeping Your Kids Safe Lip-Smackin’ Snacks for Kids

The Real Dirt on Eatin’ Right This Is Your Brain on Fried Eggs Outside Dinin’

Moonshine and Other Medications

Home First Aid for Kids Stuttering

Nine Greatest Redneck Tragedies Outhouse Dos and Don’ts

Entertaining in the Outhouse

Putting the X Back in Christmas

The Redneck Stock Portfolio Hardheaded Hillbillies in a Software World

Quaint Redneck Superstitions

Elvis: Dead or Alive? Bedtime Stories and Lullabies

Redneck Toys

All Their Rowdy Friends Sixteen Uses for an Old Commode A Boy’s First Truck A Boy’s First DUI

School Days, Rule Days

The Birds, the Bees, and the Backseat Sex, Lies, and Duck Tape

Twins: Should You Keep Just One? Use and Care of Snot Rags Vaseline’s Role in Rearin’

Sideburns for Young’uns under Ten More Grooming Tips The Little Redneck Instruction Book

Weighing Kids on Store Scales

Child Rearing for Peanuts The Britches of Mayhew County Night of the Living T-shirt Buying Brand-New Duds Manners Courtesy

X Marks the Pot

Redneck Home Furnishings

Young’uns Gotta Work

The Man with the Goal ’n’ Gun Callus Behavior Picking the Right Job Shorty’s Rise to Riches Dumb and Dumber

Zero Tolerance for Misbehavin’

Passing Out Chores Passing Out in Front of the Kids The Boogeyman: Parents’ Best Friend The Haunted Pillow Caper Give ’Em That Old-Time Religion Picking the Right Church Give Us This Day Our Daily Cornbread Skinny-dipping during Baptism Speaking in Unknown Tongues Say Hello to Hell Honky-tonk Survival Skills Entering the Outside World How to Act like a Redneck Beer: It’s Not Just for Breakfast Anymore How to Beat Procrastination