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Imperial Library
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Index
Foreword
Pre-Prologue
Prologue
Chapter One
Where I Counsel Cthulhu, Procrastinate, and Entertain the Thought of Killing Dr. Phil
Chapter Two
Where I Endure Couples Therapy, Pick the Wrong Time to Drink Scotch, and Further the Plot
Chapter Three
Where I Re-Introduce Myself, Suffer SUV Trauma, and Juggle a Three-Way Conversation
Chapter Four
Where I Scold A Faded Beauty and Ponder the Aerodynamic Impracticality of Giant Wieners and Big Boobs
Chapter Four and a Half
Where My Naming Application Hits a Slight Hiccup
Chapter Five
Where I Restate My Code, Announce My Presence to the World, and Kill a Few Heroes
Chapter Five and a Half
Where I Make An Impression
Chapter Six
Where I Set Up Shop, Vomit Forth Some Good-Natured Misogyny, and Make a Bet
Chapter Seven
Where I Fume About App Functionality, Pitch a TV Cancellation, and Meet a Man Named Wendell
Chapter Eight
Where I Make a Deal and Stand Aside for Proper Parenting Lessons
Chapter Nine
Where I Break in My New Assistant and Ponder the Repercussions for Black Coffee Drinkers
Chapter Ten
Where I Address Supervillains, Mock Higher Education, and Bring People Together
Chapter Eleven
Where I Reminisce About Childhood Lessons, Assemble a Ruling Body, and Drop the Mic
Chapter Twelve
Where I Defeat a Caped Crusader Via Paperwork and Have an Argument
Chapter Thirteen
Where I Confront Rich Heroes, Toast My Success, and Exploit the Help
Chapter Fourteen
Where I Compare Combat to Sex, Mock White Guilt, and Perform a Callback
Chapter Fourteen and a Half
Where I Do So Love Being Me
Chapter Fifteen
Where I Nakedly Resurrect Disco, Confront My Assistant, and Pass Out
Chapter Sixteen
Where I Awake in a New Land, Empower Women, and Gain a New Disciple
Chapter Seventeen
Where I Search for my Missing Minions, Find My Least Favorite, and Mock NASCAR
Chapter Eighteen
Where I Am Rebooted, Explain Pegging, and Get into a Pissing Match
Chapter Nineteen
Where I Turn Down an Advance, People Watch, Shit on the Last Sixty Years of American History, and Appreciate Fine Art
Chapter Twenty
Where I Talk, Smoke, and Let Blue Balls Get the Best of Me
Chapter Twenty and a Half
Where I Do Not Care for Your Judgy Eyes
Chapter Twenty-One
Where I Joyfully Wallow In Post-Coital Fluids, Chat with Lydia, and End the World
Chapter Twenty-Two
Where I Snub Sophia, Interrupt Origins, and Scare an Elderly Couple
Chapter Twenty-Three
Where I Am Exhausted, Discover a LARPer Among Us, and Plan for a War
Chapter Twenty-Four
Where It Feels Like Deja Vu All Over Again
Chapter Twenty-Five
Where I Bring Villains to Heel, Do Something I’ve Wanted To Do Since 2008, and Equate Psychosis with the Muppets
Chapter Twenty-Six
Where I Serve Refreshments, Squash a Bug, Debate Architecture, and Throw Shade at Purple
Chapter Twenty-Six and a Half
Where the Joke’s on You
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Where I Teach You a Thing or Two
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Where I Anger a Djinn, Mock Counterculture, and Flick My Own Nutsack
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Where I Foil a Hit Squad, Reveal the Truth About James Bond, and Jump off a Building
Chapter Thirty
Where I am Rescued, Escape, and Offer Boston Back to the British
Chapter Thirty-One
Where the War is about to Begin, The Teams Arrive, and I Play More Killer 70’s Music
Chapter Thirty-One and a Half
Where I Reveal My Real Powers and Explain the Facts of Life
Chapter Thirty-Two
Where Reality Rules, Comedy Abounds, and Romance Blossoms
Chapter Thirty-Three
Where I Take a Victory Lap, Build a Throne, and Get Arrested
Chapter Thirty-Four
Where I Meet My Enemy and Things Do NOT Go My Way for Once
Chapter Thirty-Five
Where Randolph Blackwell Rises as the New Shadow Master . . . WTF???
Chapter Thirty-Six
Where I Am Alive and Well, Monologue to Randy, and Tell Him, Indirectly, to Eat a Dick
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Where I Discuss the Consequences of Gravity and an Ill-Timed Monologue
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Where I Reap the Rewards of Justice, Ponder the Reality that People May Not Like Me, and Receive a Message
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Where I Take the Plunge, Experience a Miracle, and Get Bamboozled
Epilogue
Where I Reveal Consequences and Surprises and Get My First Review
About the Author
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