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For pity’s sake, Fritz, please stop fiddling MINI Countryman Cooper S ALL4 No nasty surprises in this gooey confection Audi A7 Sportback 3.0 TDI quattro SE Oh yes, take me now, Lady Marmalade Citroën DS3 Racing It’s hardly British but learn to haggle Mitsubishi Outlander 2.2 DI-D GX4, 7 seats Try this moose suit for size, Mr Top Gun Saab 9-3 SportWagon Aero TtiD 180PS Titter ye not, it’s built for the clown about town Nissan Juke 1.6 DIG-T Tekna Those yurt dwellers have got it right Land Rover Freelander 2 eD4 HSE 2WD Little Luigi’s turbo boost Fiat 500 0.9 TwinAir Lounge I don’t fancy Helga von Gargoyle … Can’t think why Porsche Panamera 3.6 V6 PDK Damn it, Spock, we can’t shake off Arthur Daley Jaguar XJ 5.0 Supercharged Supersport LWB 4dr Bruce’s bonzer duck-billed koala Ford Falcon FPV Boss 335 GT Botox and a bikini wax and I’m ready to roll Jensen Interceptor S Oh, barman, my pint of pitbull has gone all warm and fluffy Ford Focus Titanium 1.6 Ecoboost Pointless but fun – what a good wheeze Renault Wind Roadster GT Line 1.6 VVT Prepare your moobs for a workout Aston Martin Virage The old duffer trots out in boy-racer colours Skoda Faiba vRS1.4 TSI DSG What’s the Swedish-Chinese for I can’t see? Volvo V60 T5 R-Design I love you now I’m all grown up, Helga Porsche 911 GTS Oh, miss, you turn me into a raging despot Mercedes CLS 63 AMG From 0 to 40 winks in the blink of an eye BMW 640i SE convertible Oh, Shrek, squeeze me till it hurts Nissan GT-R A world first – the Ferrari 4 × what for? Ferrari FF Work harder, boy, or it will be you in here VW Jetta 2.0 TDI Sport Too tame for the special flair service Audi RS 3 An asthmatic accountant in lumberjack clothing Mazda CX-7 Someone please check I haven’t left my spleen back there BAC Mono I thought it looked humdrum. But wow! Honda Accord Type S You vill never handle zis torture Mercedes-Benz G 350 Bluetec Strip out all the tricks and it’s still a wizard Audi A6 SE 3.0 TDI Open up them pearly gates … Lamborghini Gallardo LP570-4 Spyder Performante Oh, grunting frump, you looked so fine on the catwalk Jaguar XF 2.2 Diesel Premium Luxury Now we’re flying Mercedes-Benz SLS Roadster The topless tease luring men to ridicule VW Golf Cabriolet GT I’m sold, Mrs Beckham – I want your baby Range Rover Evoque Prestige SD4 auto I say, chaps, who needs a fourth wheel? Morgan Three Wheeler Beach beauties love my bucking bronto Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4 Hop in, Charles, it’s a Luddite’s dream Mercedes C 63 AMG coupé Black Series It’s no cruiser but it can doggy-paddle Jeep Grand Cherokee 3.0 CRD V6 Overland Uh-oh, some fool’s hit the panic button Chevrolet Orlando 1.8 LTZ Simply no use for taking the kids to see Granny Audi R8 GT Amazing where bottle tops and string will get you Hyundai i40 1.7 CRDi 136PS Style Bong! I won’t let you go until you love me BMW M5 A heart transplant sexes up Wayne’s pet moose Bentley Continental GT V8 The arms race is over and Vera Lynn has won Aston Martin DBS Carbon Edition Good doggy – let’s give the bark plugs a workout Suzuki Swift Sport 1.6 Look what oi got, Farmer Giles: diamanté wellies Jeep Wrangler 2.8 CRD Sahara Auto 4-door Powered by beetroot, the hand-me-down that keeps Russia rolling Lada Riva The yummiest of ingredients but the soufflé’s gone flat Porsche 911 Carrera I ran into an EU busybody and didn’t feel a thing BMW 640d (with M Sport package) Blimey, you’ve got this mouse to roar, Fritz Volkswagen High Up! Styled for mercenaries. Driven by mummy Ford Kuga 2.0 TDCi Titanium X PowerShift Simply the best, but so bashful buying one is verboten BMW 328i Modern Click away, paparazzi, I’ve got nice clean Y-fronts Audi A8 3.0 TFSI Get a grip – it’s only a Roller Rolls-Royce Phantom II I know about your frilly knickers, Butch Mercedes SLK 55 AMG Fritz calls it a soft-roader. I call him soft in the head Audi Q3 2.0 TDI quattro SE S tronic Cheer up – Napoleon got shorty shrift too Mini Cooper S roadster That funny noise is just Einstein hiding under the bonnet Ford Focus 1.0 EcoBoost 125PS Titanium Gosh, never thought I’d dump Kate Moss so fast Citroën DS5 DSport HDi 160 automatic Squeeze in, Queenie, there’s space next to Tom Cruise Kia Cee-d ‘2’ 1.6 GDI The wife’s away, so come check out my electric extremity Mercedes-Benz ML 350 BlueTec 4Matic Sport If I go back to Africa, will you take it away again? Porsche 911 Carrera S cabriolet Oh, Miss Ennis, let’s sprint to seventh heaven Ferrari 458 Spider Yikes! The plumber’s van has put a leak in my wallet Citroën Berlingo Gary the ram raider cracks Fermat’s last theorem Vauxhall Astra VXR 2.0i Turbo Kiss goodbye to your no-claims – Mr Fender-bender has a new toy Peugeot 208 1.2 VTi Allure The nip and tuck doesn’t fool anyone, Grandma Jaguar XKR-S Wuthering werewolves, a beast made for the moors Lexus LFA It’s certainly cheap … but I can’t find cheerful Skoda Octavia vRS Ooh, it feels good to wear my superhero outfit again Toyota GT86 OK, Sister Maria, try tailgating me now Audi S6 4.0 TFSI quattro It’s Sunday, the sun is out – let’s go commando Ferrari California 30 Yo, bruv, check out da Poundland Bentley Chrysler 300C Executive Out with the flower power, in with the toothbrush moustache VW Beetle 1.4 TSI Sport You can keep your schnapps, Heidi – I’ll have cider with Rosie Mercedes A 250 AMG A real stinker from Silvio, the lav attendant Chrysler Ypsilon Ask nicely and it’ll probably cook you dinner underwater BMW M135i The pretty panzer parks on Jurgen’s golf links Volvo V40 D4 SE Nav I ordered a full English but ended up with bubble and squeak Aston Martin Vanquish The cocaine chintz has been kept in check Range Rover Vogue SDV8 4.4L V8 Vogue Thanks, guys, from the heart of my bottom Audi RS 4 Avant 4.2 FSI quattro Just like Anne Boleyn, there’s no magic with the head off Volkswagen Golf GTI cabriolet 2.0 TSi Come on, caravanners, see if it will tackle the quicksand Hyundai Santa-Fe Premium 7-seat No one can reinvent the wheel quite like you, Fritz VW Golf 1.4 TSI ACT GT Great at a shooting party – for gangsters Mercedes CLS63 AMG Shooting Brake Yippee! It’s OK to be a Bentley boy again Bentley Continental GT Speed Thrusters on, Iron Man, this’ll cut through the congestion Audi R8 5.2 FSI quattro S tronic They’ll be flying off the shelves at Poundland Porsche 911 Carrera 4S So awful I wouldn’t even give it to my son Alfa Romeo MiTo 875cc TwinAir Distinctive Off to save the planet with my African queen BMW528i Touring SE (1999, T-reg) Oh, I hate the noise you make in ‘wounded cow’ mode Toyota Corolla GX (aka the Auris but GX model not sold in UK) That puts paid to my theory on the ascent of manual Aston Martin Vantage V12 roadster Oh, how you’ll giggle while strangling that polar bear Ford Fiesta ST 1.6T EcoBoost Another bad dream in a caravan of horrors Honda CR-V 2.2 I-D TEC EX Ooh, you make me go weak at the knees … and the hips and the spine Jaguar F-Type S Mirror, signal, skedaddle – Mr Bump’s been turbocharged Peugeot 208 GTi Not now, Cato – keep turning the egg whisk while I push MG6 Magnette 1.9 DTi-Tech No grid girls, no red trousers – it’s formula school run Mazda CX-5 2WD SE-L Where does Farmer Giles eat his pork pie? Range Rover Sport SDV6 Autobiography They only make one car. But it’s a nice colour Porsche Cayman S with PDK Say the magic word and the howling banshee turns sultry sorceress McLaren 12C Spider Take the doors off and put them back on? That’ll be £24,000, sir BMW M6 Gran Coupé Thunderbird and Mustang have gone, so what’ll we call it, chaps? Vauxhall Adam Ha! They’ll never catch me now I’m the invisible man VW Golf GTI 2.0 TSI Performance Pack Coo! A baby thunderclap from Merc’s OMG division Mercedes-Benz A45 AMG From the nation that brought you Le Mans … A tent with wheels Citroën DS3 cabrio DSport The fun begins once you’ve arm-wrestled Mary Poppins for control Audi RS 5 cabriolet quattro 4.2 FSI Gliding gently into the parking slot reserved for losers Peugeot 2008 Where the hell did they hide the ‘keeping up with Italians’ button? Jaguar F-type Go and play with your flow chart, Comrade Killjoy, while I floor it Audi RS 6 Avant Who lent Scrooge the ninja costume? Lexus IS 300h F Sport Crikey, the Terminator has joined the Carry On team Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG Black Series Grab her lead and forget all about the mess on the floor Alfa Romeo 4C Goodbye, Dino. It’s the age of the mosquito McLaren P1 Watch out, pedestrians, I’m packing lasers Mercedes-Benz S 500 L AMG Line I can see the mankini peeking out over your waistband BMW 435i M Sport coupé The crisp-baked crust hides a splodge of soggy dough Kia Pro_Cee’d GT Tech A menace to cyclists, cars, even low-flying aircraft Audi SQ5 3.0 BiTDI quattro I’m sorry, Comrade. No Iron Curtain, no deal Dacia Sandero Access 1.2 You’re off by a country mile with this soggy pudding, Subaru Subaru Forester 2.0 Lineartronic XT You can’t play bumper cars, but the bouncy castle’s brilliant Volvo V40 T5 R-Design Lux Drives on water and raises Lazarus in 4.1 seconds Aston Martin Vanquish Volante
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