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Index
Book Jacket I’m a nobody, my jet-set credit card tells me so Oops: how I dropped the US air force right in it Sorry, Hans, brassy Brits rule the beaches now Learn to kill a chicken, or you’ll get no supper To win a war, first you need a location scout Fear of fat can seriously damage your health Scotch – stop skiing and return to your sheds My son thinks I’m gay, and it can only get worse Sorry, but the public apology is a Big Lie Calling your kid Noah or Coke – how wet is that? Put Piers on a plinth, he deserves immortality Hurricane Hank pulls a fast one on the scramjet Health and safety and the death of television Getting totally wrecked at sea isn’t a crime We used to work to live, then we gave up living You’re all on probation, this is the British nation Comrade Clipboard won’t let me crash the car Noises off can turn a man into a murderer The lusty lads have left me feeling exposed Mobile phones that do everything – except work We really have to draw a line under tattoos Life itself is offensive, so stop complaining Put the panic button down now and walk away quietly Yes, it used to be grim up north – now it’s grimmer Stars staying alive is really killing rock’n’roll Hoon’s thinned red line is facing the wrong way Whee, there’s a golden apple in my family tree Blame your airport wait on dim Darren and Julie Proper writing is like so overr8ed, innit kids I have now discovered the highest form of life: wasps The doctors are out to get me Let’s brand our man’s army Go to school, see the world Space virgins need chutes Call that a list of best films? Two fingers to the pension This is how the world ends… Fight terror and look good, too The Cheshire charity rip-off Now I’m an artificial hipster Bullies were the making of me 100 things not to do before you die Let’s break all Tony’s laws Sharks, you’re dead meat The ghost of wife’s present Who’s afraid of the nice wolf? Bowling for the beautiful people Wild weather warnings Jumbo, a brilliant white elephant Jackboots rule the countryside Found: a cure for binge drinking Custard, my wife’s worst swearword Go ahead, lad, be a gay astronaut Sticking one on the gum summit It’s freezing, so go get your sun cream Good riddance to green rubbish Bury me with my anecdotes on A screen queen ate my pork pie Save me from my mobile phone Ecologists can kill a landscape What we need is a parliament of 12 Why won’t shops sell me anything? Fun: the true sign of a good school Nuts and dolts of an eco-boycott Small BBC strike, not many stirred Twin your town to save Africa Rock is dead, long live rock’n’roll You are about to be devoured Death by 1,000 autographs Oops, £25,000 went overboard Annoying: I like David Beckham My burning hate for patio heaters Multicultural? I just don’t see it Children really don’t want toys The Catch 22 of taking exercise A shady person’s holiday guide It’s a very fishy world, angling The message in a litter lout’s bottle Great no-shows of our time I’ve been seduced by Beardy Airways We are a nation in rude health Four eyes aren’t better than two Naughty nights in heartbreak hotel When the fame game goes funny Cornered by the green lynch mob What happened? I’m not grumpy
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