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Index
Cover
Also by JESSE EISENBERG
Title Page
Copyright page
Contents
Bream Gives Me Hiccups
I. Bream Gives Me Hiccups
Sushi Nozawa
Masgouf
The Whiskey Blue Bar at the W Hotel
TCBY
Robert Frost Elementary School Cafeteria
Organix vs. The san Gennaro Street Festival
Thanksgiving with Vegans
Matthew’s House
Fuddruckers and an Unreliable New Friend
A Crawfish Boil and Dad’s New Family
Museum of Natural History
The Ashram and Mom
II. Family
My Little Sister Texts Me with Her Problems
Separation Anxiety Sleepaway Camp
My Mother Explains the Ballet to Me
An Email Exchange with My First Girlfriend, Which at a Certain Point Is Taken Over by My Older Sister, a College Student Studying the Bosnian Genocide
My Prescription Information Pamphlets as Written by My Father
My Nephew Has Some Questions
III. History
Men and Dancing
Final Conversations at Pompeii
Alexander Graham Bell’s First Five Phone Calls
Marxist-Socialist Jokes
IV. My Roommate Stole My Ramen
September 16
September 29
October 5
October 18
November 7
November 23
V. Dating
A Post-Gender-Normative Man Tries to Pick Up a Woman at a Bar
A Post-Gender-Normative Woman Tries to Pick Up a Man at a Bar
A Guy on Acid Tries to Pick Up a Woman at a Bar
A Lifelong Teetotaler, Embarrassed by His Own Sobriety, Tries to Pick Up a Woman at a Bar
VI. Sports
Marv Albert Is My Therapist
Carmelo Anthony and I Debrief Our Friends after a Pickup Game at the YMCA
A Marriage Counselor Tries to Heckle at a Knicks Game
VII. Self-Help
Smiling Tricks Your Brain into Thinking It’s Happy
If She Ran into Me Now…
A Bully Does His Research
VIII. Language
Nick Garrett’s Review of Rachel Lowenstein’s New Book, Getting Away
A Short Story Written with Thought-to-Text Technology
If I Was Fluent In…
My Spam Plays Hard to Get
Manageable Tongue Twisters
IX. We Only Have Time for One More…
We Only Have Time for One More
Acknowledgments
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