If I Tell You the Truth by Kaur, Jasmin -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover Title Page Dedication trigger warnings foreword contents kiran: august 2001–march 2002

i wasn’t exactly sure when i landed the earth did not immediately shatter like morning sickness choices felt foreign to my body the phone call home so i simply spit out the two words she needed to know the reason lost and found the morning after in the kitchen biology major freshie funland hey, kiran? a lovely family dinner sometimes i wondered the talk it’s not a terrible thing another universe searching for my spine joti told me weighing my options a cup of cha and light conversation spilled milk an ultimatum dear mom, this isn’t a poem. the vaginal exam three months six months nine months ਸਹਾਰਾ / sahaara (n) the social worker on the perfect mom our paths diverged and so i stayed there

kiran: january 2005–september 2005

a very long day how i survived august 4, 2005 the tragedy of september

sahaara: august 2012–june 2019

being a kid sucked. grade five grade six grade seven then came my anger my heart crashed into the rocks google search a confession another confession jeevan welcome to eighth grade the anxiety came heaviest at night sahaara, can we talk? grade nine the wounded deer grade ten learner’s permit grade eleven

sahaara: august 2019–january 2020

an introduction just before i left the party grade twelve halloween the house party ਪੰਗਾ / panga / trouble trigger so how was your night? by the end of november i’d already told him too much an honest self-portrait flirting with temptation things to do when the boy you liked couldn’t make it (again) all the reasons why i am enough selfie it was an unspoken rule january 1, 2020 revelations why didn’t you tell me?

sahaara: march 2020–august 2020

the unexpected blooms of spring my grandmother’s smile for a child to sponsor their parent’s immigration choosing one half of my heart the doe just look at me coping my random-point-in-the-year resolution a thread of joy, severed prom grad caps & feels we didn’t go to dry grad this summer the last days of august were slipping through our fingers the fight at the restaurant the butterflies in my stomach an impossible woman financial planning dead prez bumped my mind was a whirlpool a series of collisions in the parking lot desperate measures

kiran: midnight, september 1, 2020

beneath a moonless sky behind the veil the veil tears

sahaara: september 2020–february 2021

if i tell you the truth the unspeakable hari ahluwalia tonight the next morning waking from a bad dream i google his name again we mail the pr application

sahaara: february 2021–june 2021

i have never known a rage like this the letter i didn’t mean to find the letter conflicted nervousness flutters in mom’s voice speaking sach to power helpless before i get into my bed on sunday, the world will know my truth perspectives at the gurdwara of course, the aunties weigh in hope despair depression feels like at four in the morning i am unraveling questions for an absent mother we knock on the door project (re)proposal the water in his eyes how do you know it’s real? what would lisbeth do? after all this running the night before the flight mom’s rules for mumbai departures the plane builds speed my daughter sleeps in my lap mom is drifting off against my shoulder customs arrivals the taj hotel i suppose it’s beautiful please miss dhanjal motherhood is just before sleep steals her away the silence is haunting sleepless, i check whatsapp a rough start wrong move aasra shelter the interviews portrait ii: khushi portrait iii: saima portrait iv: radhika an afterthought friendship sahaara is getting her makeup done now or never that which is etched into my bones you are not your dna dear universe hardeep closure lotus & bee café amid darkness, a glistening moment the city is in motion the physics of my honesty checkmate on the napkin breaking free dear body while mom sleeps him jeevan i’ve been poring over priyanka’s book the rest of the painting election day to be read aloud

Notes Acknowledgments About the Author Praise Books by Jasmin Kaur Back Ad Copyright About the Publisher