The Becket List · an A-Z of First World Problems by Becket, Henry -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover Half Title Title Copyright Contents Introduction A

Absurd beards Acronyms Agony aunts and astrologers Air conditioning in hotel rooms Aircrew safety demos Airport security Allen keys All French workers Alliteration, tedious and/or contrived All-purpose oriental restaurants All ticket machines Amateur fellow travellers Anaglypta Any TV or radio show with audience participation Art, modern Atonal music Audience participation

Back to school Backwards baseball caps Bad tans Bagged salads Bagpipes Bankers Barbeques Beards Bicycle wheels Blatant regifting Boiled eggs Botox Bumbags Business jargon Bus stations

Cafetières Call centres Cats who refuse expensive cat food that was their favourite until you bought in bulk Ceiling light fittings Celebrities Chewing gum packets that disintegrate Christmas commercialities Chuggers Clichés Clingfilm Cocktails Coffee, instant Combative clothes hangers Concertgoers who start conducting Conspiracy theorists Constant changes to dietary advice Consultants Continually-being-reinvented mobile phone chargers Corporate slogans Cosmetic surgery Cruet sets in Indian restaurants Cushions

Daytime TV Dim light bulbs Dishwashers DJs Doormen Drizzle Dropped buttered toast Dry January Dumbing down

‘Early doors’ Elastoplast Email strings Energy saving light bulbs Estuary English Everyone winning on sports day Excruciating rustling

F1 Fake candles Fanny packs Fashion Fellow passengers Film sequels and overexposed TV series Flashing images Flossing Formula One French workers Fruit with meat Fusion food

Gatwick Airport Generalisations Glue that sticks to everything but what you want it to Go large’ Golf, golfers, golfing clothes, golf clubs Guessing the wrong platform when arriving at a station

Hairdressing salon names that try to be amusing but aren’t Half-in/half-out Rawlplugs Hand dryers Hashtags Health & Safety Hen parties High-waisted trousers ‘Holds knife like pen’ (HKLP) Holding patterns (esp. Gatwick on a Monday morning) Hospitality industry Hospitality suite(s) Hotel room doors Hotel rooms with incomprehensible light switches Hyper-parenting

Ice in whisky Inappropriate spending by government, national, regional and local bodies Inappropriate/out-of-context tat Incompetent cocktail barmen Instant coffee Intrusive noise

Jet skis

‘Keep calm and…’ Kid-centric Kidults

Lampshades that don’t sit right Lazy dog owners Listicles Loo rolls Loo rolls in public conveniences Loud eating Loud keyboard usage Loud mobile phone calls Loud/unamusing ringtones on mobile phones

Malls Man flu Merlot Middle managers Midges (and other pointless insects) Ministry of Defence Misplaced apostrophe’s Missed opportunities for amusing ‘twinning Mobile phones Mosquito repellent Motorhomes Movember Musty-smelling hotels

Name changes Nannying Neck supports on planes New loo rolls with the end stuck down New Yorkers who loudly announce themselves and carry on talking at the tops of their voices No dogs in pubs Noise (offensive) No phone signal No smoking in pubs Not refilling ale glasses but starting afresh Not washing after weeing, or worse

Officiousness ‘On a journey’ Onesies Openly displayed bakery products Optics Option to tip offered when service charge already added Ostentatious physical exercises Out of season food Over-engineering Over-packaging Overtaking on the inside Overused/over-hyped descriptions Oxford Street Oysters that refuse to open

Pampering Paris Passport control Patronising policemen People who confuse the concepts of ‘working’ and ‘being at work’ People who don’t watch where they’re going when they’re looking at their mobile phone People who engage in longwinded conversations at check-ins People who get into an Underground carriage before those on board alight People who get to the front of checkout queue then find to their astonishment that they have to pay for what they’ve put into their trolley People who pretend not to realise that there is a queue Personnel Pesky pool inflatables Pet shops with appalling names Photocopiers that devour paper and refuse to disgorge it Photographs of food outside eating establishments Piercings Piped music Piss-taking cab drivers Poetry that isn’t Pointless sports Policemen Policemen pretending to be helpful Politically correct Positive vetting/stereotyping Potholes PowerPoint Predictive text Premature promotions Pretend working class Prolonged poppy-wearing Pub barmen who are crap at their job Public displays of affection (PDA) Public transport announcements Pubs Puns Pushy parents

Quasi-famous ‘lifestyle’ bloggers Questionable children’s names

Radio announcers Raising the pitch of your voice towards the end of a sentence as if asking a question when you’re actually making a statement Rawlplugs Ready meals Reality TV Red Nose Day Red ropes outside wannabe in-demand venues Reloading the dishwasher for no good reason Reply to all Restaurants that can’t cook as well as I can Restrooms Revolving doors that are way more complicated than they need to be Ridiculously closely targeted advertising Room fresheners Rubber mats in playgrounds Rucksacks Rules Rustling

Safe spaces Sagging trousers on youths St Patrick’s Day Sales Sales conferences Sarcastic policemen Saturday night TV Sausages Scented candles Scottish football news Scrambled eggs Screw caps on wine bottles Selfies Sellotape Shouty dads at school sports occasions Shovel action by people eating Showers that are impossible to work Simpering Sleeping policemen Sleepy suits Sleet Slush Snowflakes So Sober for October Sourdough bread South Kensington Split infinitives Sponsorship ‘bumpers’ at the end of a commercial break Stag weekends Station stop Sticky labels that refuse to unstick Strategy

Tans Taps/plugs that don’t work Tattoos Tautology Team-building Teapots/kettles/jugs that refuse to pour accurately The easily offended The fashion industry The M1 The National Anthem The National Trust The Proms The Royal Family The wrong kind of snow/rain/leaves/sun etc. Theme parks ‘There’s a good service on all Underground lines’ Things that were once effective but no longer are Ticket machines Toilet flushes Too frequent firework displays Tourists T-shirts with desperately unfunny slogans Trunki Twitter

Uggs Unnecessary cushions Unnecessary signs Unnecessary streetlights Unwanted participating in the listening experience of others USBs

Vaping Velour tracksuits Very white trainers VIP areas Virtue-signalling Visitor centres Visual clichés

Waiting staff who won’t catch your eye W*nkers Warning labels Weather forecasts that contain nothing of any use ‘We must do lunch sometime’ ‘We will shortly be landing into…’ Wet wipes What the critics say Wheelie luggage that hasn’t mastered the master-slave relationship ‘Where’s the bathroom?’ ‘Will you do this for me please?’ Wine descriptions Wobbly tables in restaurants Woke

X-rays

Young people who can only communicate by shouting

Zeitgeist

Acknowledgements

← Prev
Back
Next →

← Prev
Back
Next →