Reinventing Your Life · the Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again by Young, Jeffrey E. -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Acknowledgments FOREWORD BY AARON BECK, M.D. PREFACE 1 LIFETRAPS

THE IRONY OF REPETITION THE COGNITIVE THERAPY REVOLUTION

2 WHICH LIFETRAPS DO YOU HAVE?

THE LIFETRAP QUESTIONNAIRE USING THE SCORE SHEET INTERPRETING YOUR SCORES THE ELEVEN LIFETRAPS, BRIEFLY

• ABANDONMENT • • MISTRUST AND ABUSE • • DEPENDENCE • • VULNERABILITY • • EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION • • SOCIAL EXCLUSION • • DEFECTIVENESS • • FAILURE • • SUBJUGATION • • UNRELENTING STANDARDS • • ENTITLEMENT •

3 UNDERSTANDING LIFETRAPS

HOW LIFETRAPS DEVELOP WHAT A CHILD NEEDS TO THRIVE

• Basic Safety (Lifetraps: Abandonment and Mistrust and Abuse) • • Connection to Others (Lifetraps: Emotional Deprivation and Social Exclusion) • • Autonomy: Independent Functioning (Lifetraps: Dependence and Vulnerability) • • Self-Esteem (Lifetraps: Defectiveness and Failure) • • Self-Expression (Lifetraps: Subjugation and Unrelenting Standards) • • Realistic Limits (Lifetrap: Entitlement) •

SUMMARY

4 SURRENDER, ESCAPE, AND COUNTERATTACK

THREE LIFETRAP COPING STYLES: SURRENDER, ESCAPE, ANDCOUNTERATTACK1

5 HOW LIFETRAPS CHANGE

GENERAL STEPS IN LIFETRAP CHANGE

• 1. Label and Identify Your Lifetraps. • • 2. Understand the Childhood Origins of Your Lifetrap. Feel the Wounded Child Inside You. • • 3. The Third Step is to Build a Case Against Your Lifetrap. Disprove its Validity at a Rational Level. • • 4. Write Letters to the Parent, Sibling, or Peer Who Helped Cause Your Lifetrap. • • 5. Examine Your Lifetrap Pattern in Careful Detail. • • 6. The Next Step is Pattern-breaking. • • 7. Keep Trying. • • 8. Forgiving Your Parents. •

OBSTACLES TO CHANGE

• Obstacle #1: You are Counterattacking Instead of Acknowledging and Taking Responsibility for the Lifetrap. • • Obstacle #2: You Escape from Experiencing Your Lifetrap. • • Obstacle #3: You Have Not Disproved the Lifetrap to Yourself. You Still Accept It on a Rational Level. • • Obstacle #4: You Started with a Lifetrap or Task That Was Too Difficult. • • Obstacle #5: You Realize Your Lifetrap Is Wrong on a Rational Level, but Emotionally You Still Feel It Is Valid. • Obstacle #6: You Have Not Been Systematic and Disciplined About Changing. • • Obstacle #7: Your Plan Is Missing an Important Element. • • Obstacle #8: Your Problem Is Too Entrenched or Deep-rooted to Correct on Your Own. •

6 „PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!“ THE ABANDONMENT LIFETRAP

THE ABANDONMENT QUESTIONNAIRE THE FEELING OF ABANDONMENT THE CYCLE OF ABANDONMENT

• Two Types of Abandonment •

THE ORIGINS OF THE ABANDONMENT LIFETRAP ABANDONMENT AND INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS DANGER SIGNALS IN THE EARLY STAGES OF DATING UNDERMINING GOOD RELATIONSHIPS FRIENDS CHANGING YOUR ABANDONMENT LIFETRAP

7 „I CAN’T TRUST YOU“ THE MISTRUST AND ABUSE LIFETRAP

THE MISTRUST AND ABUSE QUESTIONNAIRE THE EXPERIENCE OF ABUSE ORIGINS OF THE MISTRUST AND ABUSE LIFETRAP DANGER SIGNALS IN RELATIONSHIPS CHANGING YOUR MISTRUST AND ABUSE LIFETRAP SOME FINAL WORDS

8 „I’LL NEVER GET THE LOVE I NEED“ THE EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION LIFETRAP

THE EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION QUESTIONNAIRE THE EXPERIENCE OF EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION THE ORIGINS OF EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS DEMANDINGNESS IN RELATIONSHIPS THE OUTLOOK FOR CHANGE

9 „I DON’T FIT IN“ THE SOCIAL EXCLUSION LIFETRAP

THE SOCIAL EXCLUSION QUESTIONNAIRE THE EXPERIENCE OF SOCIAL EXCLUSION LIFETRAPS IN WORK AND LOVE SOME FINAL WORDS

10 „I CAN’T MAKE IT ON MY OWN“ THE DEPENDENCE LIFETRAP

THE DEPENDENCE QUESTIONNAIRE THE EXPERIENCE OF DEPENDENCE DEPENDENCE AND ANGER DEPENDENCE AND ANXIETY COUNTERDEPENDENCE THE ORIGINS OF THE DEPENDENCE LIFETRAP ORIGINS IN OVERPROTECTIVENESS ORIGINS IN UNDERPROTECTIVENESS DEPENDENCE AND INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS DANGER SIGNALS IN THE EARLY STAGES OF DATING SURRENDERING TO YOUR DEPENDENCE LIFETRAP CHANGING YOUR DEPENDENCE LIFETRAP SOME FINAL WORDS

11 „CATASTROPHE IS ABOUT TO STRIKE“ THE VULNERABILITY LIFETRAP

THE VULNERABILITY QUESTIONNAIRE THE EXPERIENCE OF VULNERABILITY DANGER SIGNALS IN RELATIONSHIPS SOME FINAL WORDS

12 „I’M WORTHLESS“ THE DEFECTIVENESS LIFETRAP

THE EXPERIENCE OF DEFECTIVENESS SOME FINAL WORDS

13 „I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FAILURE“ THE FAILURE LIFETRAP

THE FAILURE QUESTIONNAIRE THE EXPERIENCE OF FAILURE SOME FINAL WORDS

14 „I ALWAYS DO IT YOUR WAY!“ THE SUBJUGATION LIFETRAP

THE SUBJUGATION QUESTIONNAIRE THE EXPERIENCE OF SUBJUGATION THE ROLE OF ANGER „I’LL NEVER GIVE IN“: THE REBEL WORK THE REBEL AT WORK SOME FINAL WORDS

15 „IT’S NEVER QUITE GOOD ENOUGH“ THE UNRELENTING STANDARDS LIFETRAP

THE UNRELENTING STANDARDS QUESTIONNAIRE THE EXPERIENCE OF UNRELENTING STANDARDS

• Compulsivity • • Achievement Orientation • • Status Orientation •

16 „I CAN HAVE WHATEVER I WANT“ THE ENTITLEMENT LIFETRAP

THE ENTITLEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE THE EXPERIENCE OF ENTITLEMENT

• Spoiled Entitlement • • Dependent Entitlement • • Impulsivity •

ORIGINS OF ENTITLEMENT DANGER SIGNALS IN PARTNERS CHANGING ENTITLEMENT HELPING YOURSELF OVERCOME ENTITLEMENT PROBLEMS SOME FINAL WORDS

17 A PHILOSOPHY OF CHANGE

SEVEN BASIC ASSUMPTIONS CREATING A PERSONAL VISION EMPATHIC SELF-CONFRONTATION ENLISTING THE HELP OF OTHERS SELECTING A THERAPIST

References Notes

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