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Imperial Library
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Index
Blurb
Dedication
Epigraph
Prologue
Chapter 1: A Dick for You and a Dick for Me
Chapter 2: How to Present Yourself like a Cat in Heat
Chapter 3: I Feel as Fresh as a Summer Zeeve
Chapter 4: Inviting One-Night Stands to Brunch
Chapter 5: Seriously the Most Awkward Brunch Ever
Chapter 6: Nick Carter Is Jamaican Me Crazy
Chapter 7: Hey, Republicans! Suck My Balls!
Chapter 8: Dirty Dr. Seussing: Putting My Spunk in Your Trunk
Chapter 9: It’s Best to Have Group Text with Your Family
Chapter 10: Return of the He-Bitch
Chapter 11: A Completely Made-up True Story of Love and Stuff
Chapter 12: Hitting Girl Scouts in the Face with Dildos
Chapter 13: Helena Van Der Beek of the Dawson’s Creek Van Der Beeks
Chapter 14: Raising Holy Homo Hell
Chapter 15: Super Gays and Running Away to Bismarck, North Dakota
Chapter 16: The Dark Twink Rises
Chapter 17: We Decimated the Native Americans. Happy Thanksgiving!
Chapter 18: Continental Airport Breakfasts and Piss-Pigs
Chapter 19: With Heartfelt Apologies to Britney Spears
Chapter 20: Good Cop, Bad Cop, Corrupt Cop
Chapter 21: Slim Trim and the Mystery of the Public Rimjob
Chapter 22: The Queen & the Homo Jock King
Chapter 23: Freddie Prinze Juniored
Epilogue: A Raging Case of Sequelitis
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